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Just can't be supportive....Widowed friend involved with married man


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Old 26th February 2019, 11:54 AM   #1
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Just can't be supportive....Widowed friend involved with married man

I guess affairs just continue to happen, at every age.

Widowed friend involved with married man (these people are in their SIXTIES). She is all bought into the "poor thing can't leave, wife would take him to cleaners... no one has ever cared for him like I do....... poor dear is simply stuck"

I want to SCREAM, seriously. If he is "big boy" enough to get involved in an EMR and profess his love, then man up, get a divorce, split your assets and move on. If not, then don't start an affair.

And why she does not see this? Ugh.... Sorry venting this here because she does not want to hear it.
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Old 26th February 2019, 8:01 PM   #2
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If she's a close enough friend, I'd tell her what I thought. If not, I'd leave it to someone who is.

I went through something similar with an old friend who has mental issues and narcissistic issues. Her husband has spinal cancer and been bedbound for a few years now. It's sad. She's a natural flirt and a true attention hog. She can't stand it if she's not the center of attention. That said, they had a pretty good marriage. He put up with her anyway.

Then she started having sex with like handymen I guess right under his nose and made noises about going after my old bf, still a friend, who is happily married and still has a child in school. I have pretty much held her at arm's length since them. I won't have her creating chaos on my circle and it's shameful to cheat on a dying husband.
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Old 26th February 2019, 8:17 PM   #3
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The more I read the more I feel that people do not really change that much. So thinking that 60+ yos are going to be ultra sensible and rational and will always do the "right" thing is being naive.

She is as giddy as a 20 yo lapping up the attention of that charming married coworker.
She seeks validation and love and attention just the same.
She is not going to listen to reason, as it just doesn't suit...
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Old 26th February 2019, 8:21 PM   #4
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He's probably the only man she's felt anything for in a long time and that can be addictive. So she doesn't WANT to see the lies. Right now she'd rather feel what she's feeling (being alive and passionate) than face the truth and give it up.

It's jacked up, but sadly common.
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Old 26th February 2019, 9:35 PM   #5
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She deserves a whole relationship, we all do.

Rather than feeling sorry for herself she’s directing her sympathy towards him. She sounds like she’s still broken. You owe it to her to point that out.

It sounds cruel but this relationship could end up devastating her. A true friend would be blunt.
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Old 27th February 2019, 3:01 AM   #6
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You're judging her and I see some anger in your post. You sure you're not angry at yourself from your past mistakes and decisions?

If you don't like her choices and the fact she's with a MM then don't spend as much time with her anymore.
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Old 27th February 2019, 9:01 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post

She is as giddy as a 20 yo lapping up the attention of that charming married coworker.
She seeks validation and love and attention just the same.
She is not going to listen to reason, as it just doesn't suit...
Yes all true.. and we don't really discuss it anymore at all because she does not want to hear it so I don't want to antagonize her. Just hard to sit back and watch.
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Old 27th February 2019, 9:02 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
He's probably the only man she's felt anything for in a long time and that can be addictive. So she doesn't WANT to see the lies. Right now she'd rather feel what she's feeling (being alive and passionate) than face the truth and give it up.

It's jacked up, but sadly common.
Yes, but her husband passing was not very long ago, so i think that compounds it. I totally get that she would rather be feeling what she is feeling rather than facing the truth. My fear is what is going to happen when this is all exposed.... I am afraid it is going to be WORSE than the death of her husband
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Old 27th February 2019, 9:07 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
You're judging her and I see some anger in your post. You sure you're not angry at yourself from your past mistakes and decisions?

If you don't like her choices and the fact she's with a MM then don't spend as much time with her anymore.
Interesting take... i AM judging, but not her. I am judging him. If you see anger, (which i actually do think i am feeling, because he is likely going to devastate someone who really can't handle any more hurt right now) it is certainly not towards her.

I think the only thing that my past has to do with is that I know that if a man loves a woman and wants a life with her, he will make it happen. It really is that simple. For this man to cake eat with someone so fragile is just not ok.
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Old 27th February 2019, 9:16 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by WasOtherWoman View Post
I think the only thing that my past has to do with is that I know that if a man loves a woman and wants a life with her, he will make it happen. It really is that simple. For this man to cake eat with someone so fragile is just not ok.

Agreed and the "Oh she is an adult she can make her own choices" doesn't really hold water when she is newly widowed and he should have left her alone. He saw an "opportunity" and took it.
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Old 27th February 2019, 9:26 AM   #11
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Agreed and the "Oh she is an adult she can make her own choices" doesn't really hold water when she is newly widowed and he should have left her alone. He saw an "opportunity" and took it.
Yep, I kinda of want to punch him . I am not suggesting he is a predator, or anything like that. I know him, he is a very nice man, a bit younger than she is. That said, I am sure this all started out with good intentions and a simple friendship, but.....

The fallout is not going to be pretty.
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Old 27th February 2019, 9:41 AM   #12
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Well, she’s your friend, so if you can’t be supportive, at least don’t be judgy. State your opinion once, and then let it go. She’ll come to you if she needs you, hopefully, and hopefully you can still find it in you to be there for her.
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Old 27th February 2019, 1:14 PM   #13
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Well, she’s your friend, so if you can’t be supportive, at least don’t be judgy. State your opinion once, and then let it go. She’ll come to you if she needs you, hopefully, and hopefully you can still find it in you to be there for her.
I think though that this is not about what is in MY heart... it is the complete devastation that her's will likely be, and there is not a darn thing i can do to prevent it. I judge HIM, not her.

All of the things that i would normally say to a person in her situation (one that had not just become a WIDOW) can't be said. For example... "Oh, really? He told you that his wife does not really care what he is doing, or with whom. OK, great, let's put that to the test then. There should be no reason he cannot spend the night then, right?" This is why i want to scream.... i can do nothing to prevent this.

Of course, no, it is not my job to prevent, but this is not a typical affair situation. She was already devastated at becoming a widow. Now again to be devastated to be potentially left again? That pain is just unfathomable to me.

Last edited by WasOtherWoman; 27th February 2019 at 1:15 PM.. Reason: edited: typo
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Old 27th February 2019, 4:27 PM   #14
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Nowhere in your posts do I see that she’s expecting him to leave his marriage.
Maybe the arrangement works for her, after losing her husband recently.
That wouldn’t surprise me at all. Maybe she sees it as a nice distraction, no commitment, some company and fun when they both have time. Not every ow wants a full time relationship.
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Old 27th February 2019, 4:34 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
The more I read the more I feel that people do not really change that much. So thinking that 60+ yos are going to be ultra sensible and rational and will always do the "right" thing is being naive.

She is as giddy as a 20 yo lapping up the attention of that charming married coworker.
She seeks validation and love and attention just the same.
She is not going to listen to reason, as it just doesn't suit...
Yeah. My friend I wrote about up there is in her 60s. All that happens --- they get more desperate and what they might have gotten away with when young, they look like an old fool who should know better, because that's what they are. See, with my attention-seeking narcissist friend, she juggled guys when young. No problem. She wasn't that picky and always had a flock of them. Very outgoing and flirtatious. Now she's old and can't just give a nod and a wink and draw them to her, so she's desperate enough to go after anyone she can find any connection to (like my old bf -- I'm sure she's use me as a reason to contact him) out of desperation. I warned him, but I figured if he was stupid enough to have an affair with her, and he might be, they both deserved what they got, but thing is -- neither of their spouses does.
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