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My best guy friend is pulling away after his breakup with his girlfriend


futsuki

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Hello! I’m new here so please bear with me.

 

I have a really close guy friend (26) (platonic?!) whom I met two years ago during volunteer program. Until this February we’ve been living in different countries (both of us are in Europe but he also had an exchange program in Japan) but we’ve always talked everyday and even made it to see each 4 times when we have holidays. This February has been a roller coaster for me because he moved to the same city where I live for an internship. I was over the moon and his presence was a total delight, until he mentioned he broke up with his girlfriend last Friday due to LDR. During our friendship I knew he had a girlfriend but he’s never mentioned about her but I never wanted to ask because it might feel awkward as he once stated he might have a crush on me. But I know that “crush” is not serious and both of us never brought it up again.

 

Now finally that we are living in the same city and have planned to visit a lot of places together...he’s pulling away from me all of a sudden. He mentioned last Friday that he regrets his split with his gf and if I think he might have hurt me, it’s up to me if I want to leave the friendship or not. I can never imagine losing him. And I told him that he’s important to me and leaving this friendship is the last thing I want to do. He also stated the same that I am important to him and he’s glad I’ve been there for him especially during his mom’s passing. Our heart to heart talk went a little bit inconclusive because all he did was blaming himself for losing his gf and for hurting me because all this time he never brought her up into the discussion.

As a close friend, I love him so much, of course I wanna cheer him up and make him feel at his the best again. But all he does now is pulling away from me. Chats are cold and whenever I say we should hang out he says he’s occupied with work. The first 2 weeks we spent together was great and even though both of us were busy we always made time for dinner or anything small. I wanna see and talk to him because I wanna assure him that I will not leave out friendship because he’s the greatest person I know and it’s breaking my heart to see him feeling miserable like this.

Whenever we had something to talk to we always came to each other and tried to make ourselves feel better. But now, why is he acting so cold and somehow cruel? All I do is assuring him I will never leave his side and that he shouldn’t feel miserable about himself.

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Do you know if he's withdrawing from everyone (as in, all friends and family) or just you? People often withdraw immediately after a breakup - it's a common coping mechanism to process some pretty intense emotions. I wouldn't complicate things just yet by wondering whether he's into you or not, or the other way around - just make sure you offer your support and be a good friend. And keep an eye on him - if him withdrawing goes on for many weeks then I'd enlist the help of some of his other friends.

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Do you know if he's withdrawing from everyone (as in, all friends and family) or just you? People often withdraw immediately after a breakup - it's a common coping mechanism to process some pretty intense emotions. I wouldn't complicate things just yet by wondering whether he's into you or not, or the other way around - just make sure you offer your support and be a good friend. And keep an eye on him - if him withdrawing goes on for many weeks then I'd enlist the help of some of his other friends.

Thank you for your response. He is new in this country/city so people he knows are basically only me, my siblings and his colleagues at his internship office. As I haven’t met his colleagues, I have no idea if he’s pulling away from them or not. I remember he tends to isolate himself whenever things don’t go well with him. But he has never been this cold and full of resentment towards me. Our last talk was fine as in both of us discussed how we should go to museum this week so he just doesn’t spend time alone in his room. He knows this and suddenly he’s pulling away. He also said last time he wants to know if I still wanna be friends with him and he wants to give me time. Now that I offer my time, it seems like he’s the one who wants to be out of this friendship. Am I overreacting?

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I don't think he's being cruel he's just taking time to lick his wounds because he misses his girlfriend. Maybe he's working on getting her back and when he does he will open up again and be cheerful.

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Have you considered that you may be the reason he and his gf have split up.

Few gfs want their bf talking to another woman daily and him moving to your town may have been the last straw for their relationship...

 

If he regrets the split and is trying to get her back then hanging about with his "crush" is not going to help is it?

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Have you considered that you may be the reason he and his gf have split up.

Few gfs want their bf talking to another woman daily and him moving to your town may have been the last straw for their relationship...

 

If he regrets the split and is trying to get her back then hanging about with his "crush" is not going to help is it?

Thanks for your response. He made it clear last Friday that he had the crush on me during the volunteer program where we met 2 years ago. I don't think he continued having crush on me as he would most likely will make it clear again. According to him, I am his very important friend and I also think he's my rock. If I'm just his friend now, I don't get it why he would intentionally ignore my messages and invitations. It's hurtful to feel such resentment without any explanation like this.

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I don't think he's being cruel he's just taking time to lick his wounds because he misses his girlfriend. Maybe he's working on getting her back and when he does he will open up again and be cheerful.

Thank you for your response. Is this a normal behaviour from guys? As an 26-year-old adult, I do think intentionally ignoring messages and invitations is kinda hurting because one could have made an excuse but he didn't. My biggest fear is to lose him and ruin the friendship.

Our last talk was closed by agreeing that we should go to museum this week so he just doesn’t spend time alone in his room and be blue. He knows this and suddenly ignoring my messages. He also said last time he wants to know if I still wanna be friends with him and he wants to give me time for my answer. Now that I offer my time, he doesn't respond nor acknowledge my intention of cheering him up.

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I don't think he's being cruel he's just taking time to lick his wounds because he misses his girlfriend. Maybe he's working on getting her back and when he does he will open up again and be cheerful.

Also, if he doesn’t respond to my invitation it means that he’s starting to do the “ghosting” thing. ghosting equals to silence, not a “no” and it's definitely an act of cowardice in my opinion but maybe I’m being too harsh? I can’t judge this situation myself :(

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"resents"? nobody resents somebody for nothing - you sure you gave us the full story? it doesn't add up. I can understand that he has become ambitious, and has little time for you/anybody. Why resent you?

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"resents"? nobody resents somebody for nothing - you sure you gave us the full story? it doesn't add up. I can understand that he has become ambitious, and has little time for you/anybody. Why resent you?

Yes I wrote the whole story. Resent as in besides he regrets breaking up with her, he might also regret having a friendship with me (it has multiple times occured that things were physical; back rubs, massages, you name it). We discussed what we did was wrong. He never mentioned that he regrets meeting me of course... but time has probably allowed him to think that way. I finally got to talk yesterday but I think he’s not ready for meeting me yet. Would you guys try to keep him around if you were in my position?

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IMO you are far too emotionally involved with this "friend".

He is I guess backing off because he doesn't want what you want.

You see an opportunity to reel him in, to get him closer to you, but he doesn't want that, hence the introduction of distance by him.

I think you need to let go, there is nothing for you here.

Hanging around guys who do not want you, is futile, a complete waste of time.

Find some new friends to visit museums with and a more interested guy to give back rubs and massages to.

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Guys tend to go into their caves to work through thoughts, get ourselves sorted out and yes when we are protecting ourselves. It could be as basic as that. Give him some time he most likely has a great deal on his mind.

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IMO you are far too emotionally involved with this "friend".

He is I guess backing off because he doesn't want what you want.

You see an opportunity to reel him in, to get him closer to you, but he doesn't want that, hence the introduction of distance by him.

I think you need to let go, there is nothing for you here.

Hanging around guys who do not want you, is futile, a complete waste of time.

Find some new friends to visit museums with and a more interested guy to give back rubs and massages to.

Thank you for the respond. Yes, I might have emotional attachment too much but I stated and made it clear that he’s my very important “friend” and he’s aware of it.

I admit I miss him but I wouldn’t let him know either.. well that’s why I am here as I cannot think straight at the moment. I try to, but it’s hard.

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Guys tend to go into their caves to work through thoughts, get ourselves sorted out and yes when we are protecting ourselves. It could be as basic as that. Give him some time he most likely has a great deal on his mind.

I finally talked and had a proper conversation via text yesterday although it was only about his work. Today I haven’t but who am I to get worried. I’m just so used to talking to him everyday since we met that this seems very odd to me.

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It is completely inappropriate for a man to be having daily discussions with a girl other than his girlfriend. She should be the one he's sharing his stuff with, not some other girl. I think there's a fair chance that his closeness to you is what hurt his ex and he's trying to get her back by showing her that she is his number 1.

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He stated himself they broke up because LDR. If the closure with me was the problem, I think he wouldn’t have moved to the country/city where I live. I’m not saying that the only factor he moved here is because of me of course. Idk anymore... I guess i’ll Just wait.

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It is completely inappropriate for a man to be having daily discussions with a girl other than his girlfriend. She should be the one he's sharing his stuff with, not some other girl. I think there's a fair chance that his closeness to you is what hurt his ex and he's trying to get her back by showing her that she is his number 1.

 

I completely agree with this and he is more than likely trying to make up to his girl. I would feel I was being inappropriate by talking to someone's bf every day.

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I completely agree with this and he is more than likely trying to make up to his girl. I would feel I was being inappropriate by talking to someone's bf every day.

I am aware that my actions could have been inappropriate and I am guilty. But in my defense, it takes two to be this result. It wasn't only my individual initiation to talk to him all this time. Now that he's being more distant from me, I don't initiate contact from myself although it saddens me because I lost what I've had. We're not completely cutting off contact as he still mentions "when we meet" for paperworks for his housing. Is there any possibility that he's now only using me as a "helper" because he's still new in this city?

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I finally met up with him yesterday and it was him who initiated the meet up. However I didn’t manage to tell him that our friendship is valuable that I wouldn’t be able to quit as his friend. He told me his life has been falling apart since the breakup and that his father has a new woman only after 9 months after the mom’s death. His dad also told him he’s not coming to his master graduation and this everything combined has been killing him.

Sure I want him to have some space and more time for himself but would it be wrong if I again remind him that I always stand by him? Hurts to see him like this.

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I have had a similar problem with friends in my life and it is largely due to the other relationships in their lives dragging us apart. Sometimes we are quite comfortable being friends with someone, but not comfortable being friends with their friends, or at least so close. If the balance changes then this can cause us to reassess our priorities with regards to putting ourselves first in a friendship, in other words the balance basically affects the give and take. Part of growing up is realising that you need to provide for yourself and not depend on others for your sustenance, be it spiritual, material or anything else, only then can you share the fruits of your labour. It may be that your friend just needed a bit of time to himself, now that he has had one boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, to reflect on the lessons he has learned and start to apply them to building his future. It is clear from your last post, he hasn't forgotten you and still values your friendship, he may just be finding it hard to negotiate the changing nature of life as it happens. Thank you.

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I have had a similar problem with friends in my life and it is largely due to the other relationships in their lives dragging us apart. Sometimes we are quite comfortable being friends with someone, but not comfortable being friends with their friends, or at least so close. If the balance changes then this can cause us to reassess our priorities with regards to putting ourselves first in a friendship, in other words the balance basically affects the give and take. Part of growing up is realising that you need to provide for yourself and not depend on others for your sustenance, be it spiritual, material or anything else, only then can you share the fruits of your labour. It may be that your friend just needed a bit of time to himself, now that he has had one boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, to reflect on the lessons he has learned and start to apply them to building his future. It is clear from your last post, he hasn't forgotten you and still values your friendship, he may just be finding it hard to negotiate the changing nature of life as it happens. Thank you.

Thank you Gagis for your heartfelt opinion. I am glad I found this page!

How did you cope with the change in your friendships?

I am sincerely hoping that this won't last forever... He's only staying in this city until July and then he will go back to his home country for a civil service. I really wanted to take advantage of his transition here to create memories together but sadly the breakup overlaps which caused us to be distant. I wish I could be that selfless person that lets him fix what he wanna fix by himself with time and patient enough to spend days without talking and seeing him. But I am trying my best.

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How did you cope with the change in your friendships?

I think I started to see my friends in a different light, that their priorities weren't the same as mine, I always knew we had differences, it is ok for friends to argue over trivial things and tastes, but I became aware that the other people in their lives were more important to them as they were moving into a different and to their minds more attractive position. I simply couldn't offer my friends anything comparable, and at the same time was demanding attention to my needs which seemed at odds with their new found fame. There is a limit to how much you can rely on your friend's understanding and sympathy, at the end of the day you have to deliver the goods. Thinking about it from my friend's perspective, I think I began to be seen as an obstacle to their development, demanding too much relative to what their other friend's demanded and not really providing the support with their careers. Give and take in a friendship can be very hard to get right when other people are involved. One of my friends became a very successful rock star, and I simply couldn't compete for attention with his new circle of acquaintances. Trying to compete was damaging to me as well because my situation was completely different. I think the best thing you can do is try to understand how your friends needs are different, that doesn't mean compromising your own needs, but it might mean providing your friend with more appropriate support where he needs it and not unburdening yourself on him with things that are un-appropriate. I know in my case, with my mental health, trying to be selfless cost me a lot of psychotic relapses, but I came to realise that part of that was my own sense of what was right and wrong, I started to move away from believing in ideals and started to develop a much more nuanced view of the world. Thank you.

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I think I started to see my friends in a different light, that their priorities weren't the same as mine, I always knew we had differences, it is ok for friends to argue over trivial things and tastes, but I became aware that the other people in their lives were more important to them as they were moving into a different and to their minds more attractive position. I simply couldn't offer my friends anything comparable, and at the same time was demanding attention to my needs which seemed at odds with their new found fame. There is a limit to how much you can rely on your friend's understanding and sympathy, at the end of the day you have to deliver the goods. Thinking about it from my friend's perspective, I think I began to be seen as an obstacle to their development, demanding too much relative to what their other friend's demanded and not really providing the support with their careers. Give and take in a friendship can be very hard to get right when other people are involved. One of my friends became a very successful rock star, and I simply couldn't compete for attention with his new circle of acquaintances. Trying to compete was damaging to me as well because my situation was completely different. I think the best thing you can do is try to understand how your friends needs are different, that doesn't mean compromising your own needs, but it might mean providing your friend with more appropriate support where he needs it and not unburdening yourself on him with things that are un-appropriate. I know in my case, with my mental health, trying to be selfless cost me a lot of psychotic relapses, but I came to realise that part of that was my own sense of what was right and wrong, I started to move away from believing in ideals and started to develop a much more nuanced view of the world. Thank you.

I think I just realised that I might have been dependent on him for my sustenance like you said in previous post. Because his presence simply made me happy. Whenever I had something to vent about he was willing to be there to ask and to listen. And now I just want to do the same, I somehow fail to be that friend. Either he's rejecting my offer or I am just clueless and reckless in my action in an attempt to make him feel better. I am completely aware that it's only him who can help himself getting over his girlfriend. But I wish he realized that his girlfriend easily gave up on him when he's still in process of healing from his mother's death and there's me who won't abandon him. I may look pathetic, I know that. I am wishing that this never leads to breaking our bonds and friendship. Finding someone like him is hard.. That's why I am stressing myself so much to keep this friendship.

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~ a small update ~

Not sure if anyone’s gonna read this but I’ll give it a go. Last Saturday he came to my place because my sister invited him to her birthday celebration. He seemed more cheerful and more talkative than the days I saw him before. It’s been only a month since he broke with his girlfriend but I could see he was more eager to smile on that day so it’s really a relief. Just something I find it odd is that he’s usually that kind of person who lets me know once he’s home and he would leave a word about what he felt on that day such as “the party was nice” or “really liked the food”. It’s not like I expect him to do so, but I feel like he’s going back to his “distant phase” as he hasn’t talked to me since Saturday and I’m panicking again... After the party I sent him two pictures of us on that day and he didn’t respond. Do you think it’s too much if I asked him how he is doing because I haven’t heard from him?

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whichwayisup

Is this friendship you want with him or are you looking for him to be your boyfriend?

 

I think you have intimate feelings for him and putting *unknowingly* expectations on him.

 

You two are friends but you're investing way more into it than he is, hence his aloofness and not contacting you too often.

 

Either tell him how you feel, be honest and up front or distance yourself and get busy making other friends.

 

Don't rely on one person to complete you or make you happy.

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