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My best guy friend is pulling away after his breakup with his girlfriend


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 28th February 2019, 2:11 PM   #16
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He stated himself they broke up because LDR. If the closure with me was the problem, I think he wouldn’t have moved to the country/city where I live. I’m not saying that the only factor he moved here is because of me of course. Idk anymore... I guess i’ll Just wait.
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Old 28th February 2019, 2:37 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
It is completely inappropriate for a man to be having daily discussions with a girl other than his girlfriend. She should be the one he's sharing his stuff with, not some other girl. I think there's a fair chance that his closeness to you is what hurt his ex and he's trying to get her back by showing her that she is his number 1.
I completely agree with this and he is more than likely trying to make up to his girl. I would feel I was being inappropriate by talking to someone's bf every day.
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Old 4th March 2019, 5:00 AM   #18
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I completely agree with this and he is more than likely trying to make up to his girl. I would feel I was being inappropriate by talking to someone's bf every day.
I am aware that my actions could have been inappropriate and I am guilty. But in my defense, it takes two to be this result. It wasn't only my individual initiation to talk to him all this time. Now that he's being more distant from me, I don't initiate contact from myself although it saddens me because I lost what I've had. We're not completely cutting off contact as he still mentions "when we meet" for paperworks for his housing. Is there any possibility that he's now only using me as a "helper" because he's still new in this city?
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Old 8th March 2019, 5:01 AM   #19
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I finally met up with him yesterday and it was him who initiated the meet up. However I didn’t manage to tell him that our friendship is valuable that I wouldn’t be able to quit as his friend. He told me his life has been falling apart since the breakup and that his father has a new woman only after 9 months after the mom’s death. His dad also told him he’s not coming to his master graduation and this everything combined has been killing him.
Sure I want him to have some space and more time for himself but would it be wrong if I again remind him that I always stand by him? Hurts to see him like this.
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Old 8th March 2019, 6:11 AM   #20
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I have had a similar problem with friends in my life and it is largely due to the other relationships in their lives dragging us apart. Sometimes we are quite comfortable being friends with someone, but not comfortable being friends with their friends, or at least so close. If the balance changes then this can cause us to reassess our priorities with regards to putting ourselves first in a friendship, in other words the balance basically affects the give and take. Part of growing up is realising that you need to provide for yourself and not depend on others for your sustenance, be it spiritual, material or anything else, only then can you share the fruits of your labour. It may be that your friend just needed a bit of time to himself, now that he has had one boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, to reflect on the lessons he has learned and start to apply them to building his future. It is clear from your last post, he hasn't forgotten you and still values your friendship, he may just be finding it hard to negotiate the changing nature of life as it happens. Thank you.
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Old 8th March 2019, 6:49 AM   #21
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I have had a similar problem with friends in my life and it is largely due to the other relationships in their lives dragging us apart. Sometimes we are quite comfortable being friends with someone, but not comfortable being friends with their friends, or at least so close. If the balance changes then this can cause us to reassess our priorities with regards to putting ourselves first in a friendship, in other words the balance basically affects the give and take. Part of growing up is realising that you need to provide for yourself and not depend on others for your sustenance, be it spiritual, material or anything else, only then can you share the fruits of your labour. It may be that your friend just needed a bit of time to himself, now that he has had one boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, to reflect on the lessons he has learned and start to apply them to building his future. It is clear from your last post, he hasn't forgotten you and still values your friendship, he may just be finding it hard to negotiate the changing nature of life as it happens. Thank you.
Thank you Gagis for your heartfelt opinion. I am glad I found this page!
How did you cope with the change in your friendships?
I am sincerely hoping that this won't last forever... He's only staying in this city until July and then he will go back to his home country for a civil service. I really wanted to take advantage of his transition here to create memories together but sadly the breakup overlaps which caused us to be distant. I wish I could be that selfless person that lets him fix what he wanna fix by himself with time and patient enough to spend days without talking and seeing him. But I am trying my best.
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Old 8th March 2019, 7:17 AM   #22
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How did you cope with the change in your friendships?
I think I started to see my friends in a different light, that their priorities weren't the same as mine, I always knew we had differences, it is ok for friends to argue over trivial things and tastes, but I became aware that the other people in their lives were more important to them as they were moving into a different and to their minds more attractive position. I simply couldn't offer my friends anything comparable, and at the same time was demanding attention to my needs which seemed at odds with their new found fame. There is a limit to how much you can rely on your friend's understanding and sympathy, at the end of the day you have to deliver the goods. Thinking about it from my friend's perspective, I think I began to be seen as an obstacle to their development, demanding too much relative to what their other friend's demanded and not really providing the support with their careers. Give and take in a friendship can be very hard to get right when other people are involved. One of my friends became a very successful rock star, and I simply couldn't compete for attention with his new circle of acquaintances. Trying to compete was damaging to me as well because my situation was completely different. I think the best thing you can do is try to understand how your friends needs are different, that doesn't mean compromising your own needs, but it might mean providing your friend with more appropriate support where he needs it and not unburdening yourself on him with things that are un-appropriate. I know in my case, with my mental health, trying to be selfless cost me a lot of psychotic relapses, but I came to realise that part of that was my own sense of what was right and wrong, I started to move away from believing in ideals and started to develop a much more nuanced view of the world. Thank you.
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Old 8th March 2019, 12:30 PM   #23
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I think I started to see my friends in a different light, that their priorities weren't the same as mine, I always knew we had differences, it is ok for friends to argue over trivial things and tastes, but I became aware that the other people in their lives were more important to them as they were moving into a different and to their minds more attractive position. I simply couldn't offer my friends anything comparable, and at the same time was demanding attention to my needs which seemed at odds with their new found fame. There is a limit to how much you can rely on your friend's understanding and sympathy, at the end of the day you have to deliver the goods. Thinking about it from my friend's perspective, I think I began to be seen as an obstacle to their development, demanding too much relative to what their other friend's demanded and not really providing the support with their careers. Give and take in a friendship can be very hard to get right when other people are involved. One of my friends became a very successful rock star, and I simply couldn't compete for attention with his new circle of acquaintances. Trying to compete was damaging to me as well because my situation was completely different. I think the best thing you can do is try to understand how your friends needs are different, that doesn't mean compromising your own needs, but it might mean providing your friend with more appropriate support where he needs it and not unburdening yourself on him with things that are un-appropriate. I know in my case, with my mental health, trying to be selfless cost me a lot of psychotic relapses, but I came to realise that part of that was my own sense of what was right and wrong, I started to move away from believing in ideals and started to develop a much more nuanced view of the world. Thank you.
I think I just realised that I might have been dependent on him for my sustenance like you said in previous post. Because his presence simply made me happy. Whenever I had something to vent about he was willing to be there to ask and to listen. And now I just want to do the same, I somehow fail to be that friend. Either he's rejecting my offer or I am just clueless and reckless in my action in an attempt to make him feel better. I am completely aware that it's only him who can help himself getting over his girlfriend. But I wish he realized that his girlfriend easily gave up on him when he's still in process of healing from his mother's death and there's me who won't abandon him. I may look pathetic, I know that. I am wishing that this never leads to breaking our bonds and friendship. Finding someone like him is hard.. That's why I am stressing myself so much to keep this friendship.
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Old 27th March 2019, 5:45 AM   #24
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~ a small update ~
Not sure if anyone’s gonna read this but I’ll give it a go. Last Saturday he came to my place because my sister invited him to her birthday celebration. He seemed more cheerful and more talkative than the days I saw him before. It’s been only a month since he broke with his girlfriend but I could see he was more eager to smile on that day so it’s really a relief. Just something I find it odd is that he’s usually that kind of person who lets me know once he’s home and he would leave a word about what he felt on that day such as “the party was nice” or “really liked the food”. It’s not like I expect him to do so, but I feel like he’s going back to his “distant phase” as he hasn’t talked to me since Saturday and I’m panicking again... After the party I sent him two pictures of us on that day and he didn’t respond. Do you think it’s too much if I asked him how he is doing because I haven’t heard from him?
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Old 27th March 2019, 1:17 PM   #25
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Is this friendship you want with him or are you looking for him to be your boyfriend?

I think you have intimate feelings for him and putting *unknowingly* expectations on him.

You two are friends but you're investing way more into it than he is, hence his aloofness and not contacting you too often.

Either tell him how you feel, be honest and up front or distance yourself and get busy making other friends.

Don't rely on one person to complete you or make you happy.
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Old 27th March 2019, 1:59 PM   #26
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If he were remotely interested in being more than a casual acquaintance with you now would be his time to make a move on you. He hasn't asked you out, is limiting contact and continuing about his business. Him telling you that his life is falling apart since the breakup is also telling him that he was happiest when his girl was in his life. He misses her like hell and is more than likely trying to get her back.
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Old 27th March 2019, 2:01 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
Is this friendship you want with him or are you looking for him to be your boyfriend?

I think you have intimate feelings for him and putting *unknowingly* expectations on him.

You two are friends but you're investing way more into it than he is, hence his aloofness and not contacting you too often.

Either tell him how you feel, be honest and up front or distance yourself and get busy making other friends.

Don't rely on one person to complete you or make you happy.
We both agreed that we're close friends and I let him know that he's important to me (as a friend) and he said the same. I won't deny that I wish his feelings he had for me 2 years ago would reappear but I promised myself I won't push him into that direction for now. But how am I supposed to know how he's feeling if he doesn't talk to me?

I just can't help but feel odd not seeing him and not talking to him the way we used to. Am I that wrong to feel that way?
This country/city is new to him and basically I am the only one who he's close to. Of course I would like to hear about his days have been etc. It was natural to do so until he broke up with his girlfriend. After that we would just text 2-3 times a day, every other day.
When he was at my place last Saturday, he behaved and talked to me the way he used to.. so of course it made me so relieved and absolutely happy. And to be honest it made me think that things are slowly going back to the way they were but in reality, he hasn't talked to me since then. I know it's only been 4 days but I tend to overthink and now I could only try to remember if I did or said anything wrong when I saw him. How do I show him that I care in the most unselfish way? All I can think is asking how he is but even doing that scares me at the moment.
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Old 27th March 2019, 2:22 PM   #28
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I think you just have to take the hint and realise he is not really interested in being your "special" friend any more.
He doesn't want to talk to you and why would he want to do that?
He is grieving for his gf.
You are the last thing on his mind.
He doesn't want some love-struck woman hanging around who may complicate things for him.
Leave him alone for his sake and yours.
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Old 27th March 2019, 3:00 PM   #29
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As much as I am thankful for the unbiased opinions from you guys, I have to admit that the reality slaps really hard and I will try my best to liberate myself from this situation.
I just wanted to do what he did to me. Whenever I felt down or whenever he sensed I am feeling blue or low about something, he would always try to cheer me up and was initiative to do so. Why am I not allowed to do that? It's just the same thing. We never dated nor were lovers. We're not in a situation where we go for a couple of dates to see if we're compatible and then let the guy ghost you because he doesn't find you as the right partner. We were always comfortable to talk about anything to each other.
If I was just his close friend, then I think I deserve his last words or explanation that he's no longer interested in being my special friend. Then I'd know.

But I guess you guys are right. When it doesn't reciprocate, I'll just move on although it's not going to be easy. We've planned so many things because he finally moved to the place where I live and they just become broken promises. I don't talk about this to my friends because they know how close we were and I don't really wanna embarrass myself in front of them . That's why I am here to spill everything out.
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Old 27th March 2019, 3:02 PM   #30
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"it’s breaking my heart to see him feeling miserable like this" ... "it hurts"



this is the language of love, specially the first one! um...
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