LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Platonic > Friendship

My best guy friend is pulling away after his breakup with his girlfriend


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Like Tree9Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 26th February 2019, 3:25 AM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 13
Unhappy My best guy friend is pulling away after his breakup with his girlfriend

Hello! I’m new here so please bear with me.

I have a really close guy friend (26) (platonic?!) whom I met two years ago during volunteer program. Until this February we’ve been living in different countries (both of us are in Europe but he also had an exchange program in Japan) but we’ve always talked everyday and even made it to see each 4 times when we have holidays. This February has been a roller coaster for me because he moved to the same city where I live for an internship. I was over the moon and his presence was a total delight, until he mentioned he broke up with his girlfriend last Friday due to LDR. During our friendship I knew he had a girlfriend but he’s never mentioned about her but I never wanted to ask because it might feel awkward as he once stated he might have a crush on me. But I know that “crush” is not serious and both of us never brought it up again.

Now finally that we are living in the same city and have planned to visit a lot of places together...he’s pulling away from me all of a sudden. He mentioned last Friday that he regrets his split with his gf and if I think he might have hurt me, it’s up to me if I want to leave the friendship or not. I can never imagine losing him. And I told him that he’s important to me and leaving this friendship is the last thing I want to do. He also stated the same that I am important to him and he’s glad I’ve been there for him especially during his mom’s passing. Our heart to heart talk went a little bit inconclusive because all he did was blaming himself for losing his gf and for hurting me because all this time he never brought her up into the discussion.
As a close friend, I love him so much, of course I wanna cheer him up and make him feel at his the best again. But all he does now is pulling away from me. Chats are cold and whenever I say we should hang out he says he’s occupied with work. The first 2 weeks we spent together was great and even though both of us were busy we always made time for dinner or anything small. I wanna see and talk to him because I wanna assure him that I will not leave out friendship because he’s the greatest person I know and it’s breaking my heart to see him feeling miserable like this.
Whenever we had something to talk to we always came to each other and tried to make ourselves feel better. But now, why is he acting so cold and somehow cruel? All I do is assuring him I will never leave his side and that he shouldn’t feel miserable about himself.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 2nd March 2019 at 12:10 AM.. Reason: formatting
futsuki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th February 2019, 4:48 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: SE Australia
Posts: 846
Do you know if he's withdrawing from everyone (as in, all friends and family) or just you? People often withdraw immediately after a breakup - it's a common coping mechanism to process some pretty intense emotions. I wouldn't complicate things just yet by wondering whether he's into you or not, or the other way around - just make sure you offer your support and be a good friend. And keep an eye on him - if him withdrawing goes on for many weeks then I'd enlist the help of some of his other friends.
snowboy91 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th February 2019, 5:13 AM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by snowboy91 View Post
Do you know if he's withdrawing from everyone (as in, all friends and family) or just you? People often withdraw immediately after a breakup - it's a common coping mechanism to process some pretty intense emotions. I wouldn't complicate things just yet by wondering whether he's into you or not, or the other way around - just make sure you offer your support and be a good friend. And keep an eye on him - if him withdrawing goes on for many weeks then I'd enlist the help of some of his other friends.
Thank you for your response. He is new in this country/city so people he knows are basically only me, my siblings and his colleagues at his internship office. As I haven’t met his colleagues, I have no idea if he’s pulling away from them or not. I remember he tends to isolate himself whenever things don’t go well with him. But he has never been this cold and full of resentment towards me. Our last talk was fine as in both of us discussed how we should go to museum this week so he just doesn’t spend time alone in his room. He knows this and suddenly he’s pulling away. He also said last time he wants to know if I still wanna be friends with him and he wants to give me time. Now that I offer my time, it seems like he’s the one who wants to be out of this friendship. Am I overreacting?
futsuki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th February 2019, 7:40 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 17,187
I don't think he's being cruel he's just taking time to lick his wounds because he misses his girlfriend. Maybe he's working on getting her back and when he does he will open up again and be cheerful.
stillafool is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 26th February 2019, 8:23 AM   #5
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 16,679
Have you considered that you may be the reason he and his gf have split up.
Few gfs want their bf talking to another woman daily and him moving to your town may have been the last straw for their relationship...

If he regrets the split and is trying to get her back then hanging about with his "crush" is not going to help is it?
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th February 2019, 10:10 AM   #6
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Have you considered that you may be the reason he and his gf have split up.
Few gfs want their bf talking to another woman daily and him moving to your town may have been the last straw for their relationship...

If he regrets the split and is trying to get her back then hanging about with his "crush" is not going to help is it?
Thanks for your response. He made it clear last Friday that he had the crush on me during the volunteer program where we met 2 years ago. I don't think he continued having crush on me as he would most likely will make it clear again. According to him, I am his very important friend and I also think he's my rock. If I'm just his friend now, I don't get it why he would intentionally ignore my messages and invitations. It's hurtful to feel such resentment without any explanation like this.
futsuki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th February 2019, 10:16 AM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
I don't think he's being cruel he's just taking time to lick his wounds because he misses his girlfriend. Maybe he's working on getting her back and when he does he will open up again and be cheerful.
Thank you for your response. Is this a normal behaviour from guys? As an 26-year-old adult, I do think intentionally ignoring messages and invitations is kinda hurting because one could have made an excuse but he didn't. My biggest fear is to lose him and ruin the friendship.
Our last talk was closed by agreeing that we should go to museum this week so he just doesn’t spend time alone in his room and be blue. He knows this and suddenly ignoring my messages. He also said last time he wants to know if I still wanna be friends with him and he wants to give me time for my answer. Now that I offer my time, he doesn't respond nor acknowledge my intention of cheering him up.
futsuki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th February 2019, 12:55 PM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
I don't think he's being cruel he's just taking time to lick his wounds because he misses his girlfriend. Maybe he's working on getting her back and when he does he will open up again and be cheerful.
Also, if he doesn’t respond to my invitation it means that he’s starting to do the “ghosting” thing. ghosting equals to silence, not a “no” and it's definitely an act of cowardice in my opinion but maybe I’m being too harsh? I can’t judge this situation myself
futsuki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th February 2019, 4:12 PM   #9
Established Member
 
darkmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 4,077
"resents"? nobody resents somebody for nothing - you sure you gave us the full story? it doesn't add up. I can understand that he has become ambitious, and has little time for you/anybody. Why resent you?
darkmoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2019, 5:20 AM   #10
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by darkmoon View Post
"resents"? nobody resents somebody for nothing - you sure you gave us the full story? it doesn't add up. I can understand that he has become ambitious, and has little time for you/anybody. Why resent you?
Yes I wrote the whole story. Resent as in besides he regrets breaking up with her, he might also regret having a friendship with me (it has multiple times occured that things were physical; back rubs, massages, you name it). We discussed what we did was wrong. He never mentioned that he regrets meeting me of course... but time has probably allowed him to think that way. I finally got to talk yesterday but I think he’s not ready for meeting me yet. Would you guys try to keep him around if you were in my position?
futsuki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2019, 6:19 AM   #11
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 16,679
IMO you are far too emotionally involved with this "friend".
He is I guess backing off because he doesn't want what you want.
You see an opportunity to reel him in, to get him closer to you, but he doesn't want that, hence the introduction of distance by him.
I think you need to let go, there is nothing for you here.
Hanging around guys who do not want you, is futile, a complete waste of time.
Find some new friends to visit museums with and a more interested guy to give back rubs and massages to.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2019, 4:03 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Rockdad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 504
Guys tend to go into their caves to work through thoughts, get ourselves sorted out and yes when we are protecting ourselves. It could be as basic as that. Give him some time he most likely has a great deal on his mind.
__________________
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
Rockdad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2019, 4:08 PM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
IMO you are far too emotionally involved with this "friend".
He is I guess backing off because he doesn't want what you want.
You see an opportunity to reel him in, to get him closer to you, but he doesn't want that, hence the introduction of distance by him.
I think you need to let go, there is nothing for you here.
Hanging around guys who do not want you, is futile, a complete waste of time.
Find some new friends to visit museums with and a more interested guy to give back rubs and massages to.
Thank you for the respond. Yes, I might have emotional attachment too much but I stated and made it clear that he’s my very important “friend” and he’s aware of it.
I admit I miss him but I wouldn’t let him know either.. well that’s why I am here as I cannot think straight at the moment. I try to, but it’s hard.
futsuki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2019, 6:45 PM   #14
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockdad View Post
Guys tend to go into their caves to work through thoughts, get ourselves sorted out and yes when we are protecting ourselves. It could be as basic as that. Give him some time he most likely has a great deal on his mind.
I finally talked and had a proper conversation via text yesterday although it was only about his work. Today I haven’t but who am I to get worried. I’m just so used to talking to him everyday since we met that this seems very odd to me.
futsuki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2019, 7:27 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 11,865
It is completely inappropriate for a man to be having daily discussions with a girl other than his girlfriend. She should be the one he's sharing his stuff with, not some other girl. I think there's a fair chance that his closeness to you is what hurt his ex and he's trying to get her back by showing her that she is his number 1.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Guy pulling away or really just exhausted with work? HeBrokeMyHeart Dating 11 1st September 2015 8:37 PM
guy I like pulling away? guitarlover Dating 14 4th June 2015 10:23 PM
Japanese girlfriend pulling away... rich47 Breaks and Breaking Up 1 5th April 2015 6:33 AM
Pulling away after disagreement? sammyd Long-Distance Relationships 4 5th February 2011 2:22 PM
Why is he pulling away after 8 months? Grace Breaks and Breaking Up 8 26th September 2003 2:59 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:17 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.