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Boyfriend's Ex hates me, do I reach out?


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Old 19th February 2019, 1:53 AM   #1
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Boyfriend's Ex hates me, do I reach out?

It's a long story, but my partner's ex and I used to be friends (not close or anything, I actually didn't adore her company, but we were friends nonetheless). When they broke up a few months ago she blamed it all on me, and I can see why, as I am the 'reason' they broke up or whatever. As far as I know, she still despises me. I keep telling myself that if I saw her in the street, I would smile. I have nothing against her, and I no longer blame myself for what happened, even though I am really sorry that it did. The other day we passed each other and I freaked out and just kinda... turned away. I still feel an abundance of stress and fear and anxiety when I see her and it's grown so now if I see anyone that looks like her, my heart races and I lose my breath. I know I caused her a lot of pain but she still scares the crap out of me when I even think of her. I know my partner has reached out and apologised to her because they go to school together and see each other often, and they are now acquaintances. Do I do the same? I don't think she ever understood how sorry I was/am for everything I've done, either

TL;DR Do I send her a message to say I hope we could be friends in the future and to apologise?
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Old 19th February 2019, 2:55 AM   #2
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So you are the reason your boyfriend and your friend broke up, meaning that you got involved with him while he was still with her?

If that's the case then you are no friend to her. Not then and not now. You betrayed that friendship in the worst possible way. Leave her alone and move on. When you make the choice to get involved with a friend's boyfriend you accept the consequence of losing that friend
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Old 19th February 2019, 2:59 AM   #3
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No, I didn't get 'involved' with him until after they broke up, but the reason they broke up was because he realised he had feelings for me. I definitely wouldn't do that to her.
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Old 19th February 2019, 10:13 AM   #4
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TL;DR: Don't. Block her and don't attempt to contact her any further, it will be better for you both.



In a way, you are still involved in their breakup somehow, and saying "I didn't mean to do it" is just rubbing salt in her wounds. That is not to say you actually are to blame or that you should feel guilty for being with her ex now, don't get me wrong, but you are one part of the situation.

That you are sorry and want her to understand you didn't mean to hurt her is what you want to tell her, and it would help you with your anxiety and your guilty feelings about her - but is that something will help her feel better? I don't think so, honestly.

From her perspective, she lost someone that she was attached to because you came along and it's easier to place all the blame on you. Whatever you actually did or what you meant does not matter to her right now, and you are probably the last person she wants to hear a "sorry" from. She might even feel insulted by it because she thinks you don't understand how much you hurt her.

And more important, contacting her will not help her heal from the breakup and move on with her life. No matter how things actually are - in her mind, your person is associated with a lot of negative feelings, and you are not in a position where you can do anything about that. It sucks, but accept that she does not want to be your friend and let that person go.



I hope I don't offend you by saying that, but your reaction to even seeing her seems to be very strong and that anxiety may get worse the more time you spend thinking about her. I don't know if she has done anything to harass or threaten you, but even if not, it's probably better to cut her out of your life completely. Block her, ask your bf not to bring her up all the time and not to mention you to her either, don't actively seek her out in any way.
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Old 19th February 2019, 11:15 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by applesandpears View Post
No, I didn't get 'involved' with him until after they broke up, but the reason they broke up was because he realised he had feelings for me. I definitely wouldn't do that to her.
Are you sure you're being honest with yourself about this? Maybe you were not physically involved with him but there must have been something going between the two of you in order for him to develop feelings and to believe that if he dumped his gf he could be with you. If l had a boyfriend who broke up with me in order to be with my friend because he had feelings for her and my friend reciprocated those feelings, I wouldn't for one second believe that there was NOTHING going on before we broke up and anyone who tried to tell me that would be insulting my intelligence.

In any case, I agree with the poster above. You want to apologize to make yourself feel better but apologies are for the person we are apologizing to, and in this situation I really don't think hearing from you is going to make her feel better.
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Old 19th February 2019, 11:26 AM   #6
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Don't reach out to her, leave her alone.

Also, I think your reactions to her are extreme and indicates to me you are feeling guilt because you weren't such an innocent bystander in his leaving her even if you want to portray it that way.
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Old 19th February 2019, 11:59 AM   #7
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apps/pears....if you did something that really hurt the person and it is something other than you just got together with your now partner in a fair, honest way then rather than reaching out verbally send a message to explain everything and why it happened.


I don't know what went on whether it was just some kind of silliness or whether stuff went on that was cruel, humiliating, bullying or whatever... if its on that level then say your thing and move on.


I think you are frightened of this person and the issues behind it, and unless you have your say and explain why then you aren't going to really deal with this and you may invite a lot more emotions and hostile feelings in this gal.


if you just got together with her ex...and this remember is someones EX!!!!! and you got him in a normal fair and honest way then don't reach out, if the person wants to be in with you they will reach out and see their bitterness as the problem in this.


you wont be helping anyone asking someone who doesn't like you to be part of something that she doesn't want to be part of. also, what happens if you reach out and they get back together!!!!!!


then you will be writing in to the shack in a sorry way telling us all about what a fool you've been trying to be kind...


im all for not blocking and being open to talk, but if someone is not open to talk then you wont get much (in a situation like this one at least) by forcing it. if there is worse stuff than you are saying, leave do the right thing, apologise and say why you hurt her. if she is just hurt that you are with her ex and you didn't treat someone badly or knowingly unkind or you tried to talk and apologise then you've done a lot more than some do for their partners,freinds or relationships thesedays, so be proud that you tried.


but what anikka is saying is the truth of this situation, you have to be honest with yourself and ask/look about what your part in the hurt of her breakup was. once you can deal with that then you can move on.


its easy to ask for forgiveness online, and especially if you are feeling guilty about a situation, but its much harder often and more decent if you are in the wrong to apologise and talk to the other person if you hurt them so they know what went on for you and why you chose to do something if they were so badly hurt by it.


all I can say is that you feel she doesn't understand how sorry you were...well if that is the situation then you ought to try once more to make her see it...whether she wants or accepts it is another thing, but you will feel better for it, and it might help her understand.


if you are still unsure....just think about how you would feel if it were her treating you in that way!


ok, that's me done. good luck and sort this out and you will be easier in the street!!!!!!!!!! without knowing what really went on, its not easy to say for sure and I don't want you to think its ok if you actually know deep down you owe an apology is due.


but I also don't want you to feel bad and screwed up over a simple case of someone was free and you dated them. one question in all of this though.


WHERE IS THE GUY IN ALL OF THIS!!!!!! DID HE HURT HER AS WELL, IS SHE MAD AT HIM TOO, WHAT IS HE DOING TO SUPPORT YOU IF YOU ARE INNOCENT, IF YOU ARE GUILTY THEN HAS HE REACHED OUT TO THIS GAL?


(OK, so its not quite one question!!!!!! haha....but its another thing to think about. don't fight over some guy who may be loving this whole thing. talk to him too and get his take on it, it might help, also maybe ask others you know who may not be so biased as the BF...ok. my time is over. best wishes. maxi.
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Old 20th February 2019, 6:50 PM   #8
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Well, like I told my old friend of 17 years after she had sex with the guy I was in love with as I was kicking her out of my life, We're toxic to each other. There's some things you can't fix. She'd betrayed me in a different way in high school and I'd actually cut her loose then, but then it turned out at the college dorm, she and her friend were the only people I knew, so fell back in with her. I should have resisted that impulse because that was one of the two single worst times in my entire life, and I'm 66.
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Old 20th February 2019, 7:00 PM   #9
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Maybe you fear her because you know you’re going to be in her shoes one day, and she will be in yours.

Acquaintances he says? Yea, okay.
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Old 20th February 2019, 8:14 PM   #10
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Acquaintances he says? Yea, okay.
Good point.

OP, she despises you, and he and she are now friends again...????
I guess she would love to get him back or simply sleep with him just to spite you...
Be careful, this is a messy situation. Do not assume you have "won", it may yet prove to be a lot more complicated than that.
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Old 20th February 2019, 8:16 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by applesandpears View Post
It's a long story, but my partner's ex and I used to be friends. When they broke up a few months ago she blamed it all on me, and I can see why, as I am the 'reason' they broke up or whatever.
I think you have burned that bridge...

As the others have said, don’t contact her. There is not really anything you can say that she will want to hear right now... Whatever friendship you have had in the past is over.

I do feel like there is some rewriting of history here, given your rather flippant “whatever” and the intense anxiety you feel when you think of her. It seems rather obvious that your attempt to smooth the water has less to do with helping her than it has to do with easing the guilt and anxiety that you are feeling.
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Old 21st February 2019, 4:11 PM   #12
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Do not stir the pot.

She doesn't care about you. You were the face of why her relationship ended & she chose to foist all the blame on you, deserved or not. It gave her an outlet for her anger.

If she's resumed her friendship with him, she has simmer down a bit & is probably apathetic toward you. Adopt a similar attitude about her -- she's irrelevant in your life. However, you still need to keep an eye on your BF's relationship with his EX. It sounds to me like there may be an undercurrent of lingering feelings there. If he cheated on her to be with you, you have every reason to be distrustful.
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Old 21st February 2019, 6:26 PM   #13
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If she's the least bit competitive, she'll be seeing if she can break you two up just for the satisfaction of it, even if she doesn't want him back. And if he's a guy like it sounds like he is, he'll just take advantage of that if it involves sex with her on the side even if it's only one time before she dumps him.
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Old 21st February 2019, 6:44 PM   #14
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If he told your friend he was breaking up with her because he likes you and then you got with him after they broke up you should feel guilty. I personally would not do that to a friend because there are just too many men out there. She probably will not respect your relationship with him and will take liberties if she feels it.
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Old 26th February 2019, 7:30 AM   #15
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apples and pears, did you reach out or decide not to in the end? hope your well. maxi.
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