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Roommates don't like me

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Old 9th February 2019, 12:49 PM   #1
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Roommates don't like me

Having an awkward situation with flatmates...I live with 3 other girls who I thought were my friends, but lately I've started to question it. There was some tension between us a couple months ago when I spoke to them about being messy and needing to help more and take more initiative around the flat. Lately this has improved a lot since I've bought it up to them and I genuinely have no issues with their living habits.

However since then I've been questioning whether they really are my friends. All conversation feels fake and a bit forced. I experience subtle put-downs and get chastised for little things and they can be a bit rude to me at times. They also exclude me from things. I am quite different from them- I'm quite independent as a flatmate and they like to do things together in a group. To clarify, I do make an effort to socialise and catch up when I'm home, but for the most part I'm quite busy living my own life.

I also get a weird feeling they are jealous of me. I'm quite organised, I work out regularly and (not to sound conceited) I look good and get a fair bit of male attention. I am slimmer than them and more athletic. I don't ever put them down about this or mention it or anything, but it's just a really weird dynamic. I feel like I just don't fit into the 'pecking' order if that makes sense and as a result they've decided they don't like me.

We've already decided we aren't going to live together once the lease is up and we have to find a new place (which I'm half relieved about, but it did hurt me). Being at home is a bit awkward and I sometimes dread their company because they just clearly don't 'get me' or don't know what to make of me. No idea.

Any advice on how to deal and rise about their petty behaviour would be great!
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Old 9th February 2019, 1:39 PM   #2
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Living with roommates is tough, period. There is always going to be a competitive dynamic. A few times in my life I was forced to do the "roommate" thing and I dreaded it each time.

As far as cleaning, I found a "Chore Wheel" worked best. Each person's name on the inner wheel, the weekly chores on the outer wheel, then you turn it (clockwise, so there is no cheating, one position) each week, so each person gets a turn at doing each chore. I found that to be the "fairest" way of doing the cleaning chores.

I think your roommates may be jealous of you and there is nothing you can do about that.

I lived in one roommate situation with another guy and he was jealous of me to the point he called the owner of the house for every little thing and "tattled" on me. (the owner was an absent landlord). I only needed to stay there another two months before I was making a big move, so I stuck it out. Needless to say, when I came home from work, I went to my room, locked the door and refused to go to the common areas. A couple times my crappy roommate wanted to know what was my problem and I told him "No problem, I'm reading a really good book and can't put it down". That way he couldn't "tattle" to the landlord. It was just a bad situation.

Bide your time until your lease is up and try to find your own flat or studio apartment that you can afford.
All of my posts are my opinion based on my own experiences. Feel Free to disagree with me, this rodent has thick skin.
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Old 9th February 2019, 2:35 PM   #3
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You have a busy life, other friends and are more or less happy, right? Focus on that and not your roommates. You are different from them and that's NOT a negative. It just means they aren't your "tribe". And that's okay. Don't feel bad about it either.
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Old 9th February 2019, 3:10 PM   #4
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Get new flat mates.

Some of this may all be in your head or it may have started there but it made you defensive which reads like cold & superior to them so now they have started to pull back & their disdain is real.

In the short term be friendlier. See if your warmth can break the ice without addressing the situation head on. If that doesn't thaw the situation, move. Seriously. As a 3 v 1 situation, where you lobbed the first issue complaining about their habits, you are probably not going to be able to talk this through. But I really do think that it's one of those things that you can act like it never happened it can be resolved that way.
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Old 9th February 2019, 6:26 PM   #5
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You say they exclude you from invitations to join them. Do you ever suggest things that you could all do together? It's just that if you have this strongly independent life, they may not be aware that you'd like to be part of what they are doing. But if you initiate something which you'd all like to do, you could change the dynamic a bit.
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Old 9th February 2019, 7:46 PM   #6
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Did you ever mention to them that you are happy they started doing being less messy and doing more? It might help that you tell them you noticed and appreciate it. A compliment can go a long way. They may be just assuming you are always judging them or are critical of them like a parent...right or wrong...and formed a little band of you against them. If you let them know you see the effort they have made it might change their perception a bit.
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Old 9th February 2019, 7:50 PM   #7
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As someone who has had a lot of roommates in their time (urban living), I recommend you try and get a bit of emotional remove from the situation. They’re housemates, not lovers or best friends. Let them have their drama, it’s really not that important at the end of the day.

See the end of your lease as an opportunity to start over.

I’m finally at a place in my life where I’m earning enough to afford my own place, and I fully intend to move once I have some debt payed down in about a year. I’m already looking forward to it.
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Old 11th February 2019, 1:12 PM   #8
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hmmm...hi beet, its a tricky one (in a small way) in that you are all living in each others spaces!

however, it might be an idea to just talk with them if your lease is up within a shortish time, if its under 8 weeks or so just ask them if there is some way that everyone can come to some agreement to try to respect each other until the lease runs out (or your part in it anyway) and see what they say.

just be honest with them and let them know that your feeling the tension and dont like it. if it were me id also be open about the put downs and get that out into the open as it is clearly making you feel bad.

the fakeness sadly there isnt much you can do about that as they have already shown you that they are not that into you as their housemate!

but can you look around and see if there is a place you can rent for a while and once you have seen a few places, maybe put it to them that you are looking and ask if they know of anyone of their friends that might be willing to take your room?

it sounds a bit like a uni situation where people move in and its all lovely until you get to know them properly, and the small things you thought brought you into their little clique are making you feel even more isolated from them.

even if you row with them im sure you'll feel better for letting them know, and even if you row, again let them know that you dont want your last few months with them to be so difficult.

the fitness thing and looks isnt really going to change anything, so id recommend you taking your stress out in your fitness sessions and enjoy that, sleep well after your training and focus on living a clean and respectable life. no one has forced these girls to feel jelous. how do they treat you when they are not all together as a group? as i suspect they are not so childish, aggressive towards you or snide when they are on thier own!!! so they are cowards or just spiteful of things they dont really know much about, like your feelings for one thing!

maybe if you try to talk to the one that you feel is not so on your back or has a more decent streak and get her on her own and just tell her how this is making you feel, (but if you do speak to one of them alone, make sure you tell her that you plan to talk to the rest of the girls that night and then ACTUALLY DO TALK TO ALL OF THEM LATER!!!!) otherwise they will see you as devisive and trying to manipulate one of them, who'll probably tell the others anyway, and they will probably gossip and treat you worse, and you give them another opportunity to hold more against you!

when you do talk to them all; thank them for the effort theyve made already to try to keep things cleaner and tell them it means alot to you. admit that you are different in your way, but stress that its affecting you and you dont like the tension. remind them that you all have resolved the issue about the place not being clean, so you would appreciate it for a short time if you could come to some agreement where you are all more considerate to the shared space etc...

i hope it goes ok for you!!!! but ive got to ask, why get a lease?????? was it vital to your living there, couldnt you just have rented in a shared place with them?

anyway. if that doesnt work, pack your things....: you can come live with me. LOL ...."thats if you can find me!!!!!!!"
best wishes, maxi.
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Old 11th February 2019, 8:08 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by BeeT View Post
Any advice on how to deal and rise about their petty behaviour would be great!
There isn't any way that is going to please everybody AND ALSO make everything feel comfortable until the end of the lease.

The 'nitty-grittiest' way is to 'call a meeting' or just wait until everyone involved is in the same room, and then ask, with genuine humility and sincerity,
"What can *I* personally do, to make these next months, to the end of our lease, as least-awkward as possible?"

Their responses might surprise you, and might give you insight into how you've been doing 'the roommate-thing' that you haven't before considered.
"Good or benign intentions do not provide a defence." ~ Tony Wong, Reporter
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