Is it ok to be friends with my students

[loveisgrand]

I am a professor at Uni (early 30s) and I teach first year students. Most of them are around 19 and most of them are male (it is a technical Uni). Some are older than me as well. My question is, it it ok to add them on FB, Instagram and maybe go for a coffee with some of them ONCE I stop teaching them. (they asked me - not the other way around) (I only have them for one semester). Some of them asked me to help them out with projects, some just feel like my baby brothers, I am very protective of them. Is that weird? I am not married and dont have any kids. I am a female. Thanks in advance.

[Orokotikki]

If I was in your place, I may be inclined to help with projects, group settings, maybe some 1 on 1 mentoring (but only with same gender students if 1 on 1).

 

I would not add any on social media, and if I did I would not respond to any private messages from them that were in any way personal or not subject focused.

 

But I'm married.

If you knew they were NOT married, and they were DONE with all classes with you or that they might have with you, then maybe it would be OK. But really safeer if they were done with their degree...

 

YMMV

[d0nnivain]

No it is not OK to add them to your social media while they are your students. After they graduate, add them to any platform you like.

 

Your university most likely has guidelines about this. Follow them. If your school doesn't have guidelines look at the suggested guidelines governing your institution

[Arieswoman]

Q Is it ok to be friends with my students?

 

A. No.

 

 

Maintain a professional distance or you could end up in all sorts of hot water.

 

Do NOT add them on FB, snapchat, instogram, twitter or anything else. Do not go for coffee with them. If they need coaching/help make sure it is in the uni, within 9-5.

 

You may have a PhD or whatever, but when it comes to boundaries you have really flunked it.Get a grip and start behaving like a professional educator not a broody mother hen.

[loveisgrand]

Q Is it ok to be friends with my students?

 

A. No.

 

 

Maintain a professional distance or you could end up in all sorts of hot water.

 

Do NOT add them on FB, snapchat, instogram, twitter or anything else. Do not go for coffee with them. If they need coaching/help make sure it is in the uni, within 9-5.

 

You may have a PhD or whatever, but when it comes to boundaries you have really flunked it.Get a grip and start behaving like a professional educator not a broody mother hen.

 

Whoa whoa whoa. How have I flunked it? I haven't done anything. I haven't added anyone on my personal accounts nor have I accepted any coffee invites. Hence me asking. Other professors have their students on Instagram and are working on projects with them. I was just asking.

[d0nnivain]

It's a really slippery slope but keeping them at arm's length is best.

 

I used to give students my personal cell phone & would text with them if necessary. the schools where I taught had on line platforms so many times if the message wasn't personal (I'm sick today & won't be in class) I would repeat the Q or inquiry on the class platform, without identifying who asked, & answer it publicly.

 

You don't want to give any student the mistaken impression that your interest is more then professional nor do you want to look like you favor one over the others.

 

Too many things can go wrong when somebody with power over their grades gets too close.

 

Many times my students would ask me to go to a bar with them all after class. Even though they were all going or mostly all going it still felt wrong to me since I was their professor. I would always thank them, tell them that I was saying no based on decorum & invite them to "friend me" or whatever next semester when they weren't in my class any more. Most didn't.

[loveisgrand]

It's a really slippery slope but keeping them at arm's length is best.

 

I used to give students my personal cell phone & would text with them if necessary. the schools where I taught had on line platforms so many times if the message wasn't personal (I'm sick today & won't be in class) I would repeat the Q or inquiry on the class platform, without identifying who asked, & answer it publicly.

 

You don't want to give any student the mistaken impression that your interest is more then professional nor do you want to look like you favor one over the others.

 

Too many things can go wrong when somebody with power over their grades gets too close.

 

Many times my students would ask me to go to a bar with them all after class. Even though they were all going or mostly all going it still felt wrong to me since I was their professor. I would always thank them, tell them that I was saying no based on decorum & invite them to "friend me" or whatever next semester when they weren't in my class any more. Most didn't.

 

I completely agree which is why I have turned down every single coffee/beer invite over the last semester. However, I do not teach them anymore after Feb. They cannot have me as their professor anymore. I offered to help them out with their projects they can send via official email but I also wondered if going out with a few of them in a group for coffee would be unacceptable. ONCE the semester is over. Some of them asked me to help with their projects and I said yes. I will not be their professor anymore at this time.

[Orokotikki]

Glad I don't teach! Feeling a little peevish about my wishy washy answer as the others sound much more solid in this case.

[preraph]

You absolutely can't be friends with them while they are students or any danger of them ending up students again. Don't add any of them to social media. If they then post something heinous and you don't report it, or even if you do, you will be in a negative spotlight. Certainly can't be having them over. Even after they are no longer in your class, you cannot invite them over. One will show up with a six pack and a friend who either is in your class or will be next semester. Just don't. They will talk, talk, talk to all students they know about you. Don't get that started. Once they are graduated, different story.

[d0nnivain]

I will not be their professor anymore at this time.

 

Are you sure? I was only an adjunct. I was hired to teach one class & one class only. Once that class was over, I didn't teach anything else. If you are on the faculty & there is a possibility that you could ever teach an upper level class, I'd still steer clear of the social media. I would also avoid one on ones with students while they are still enrolled. It's a better safe then sorry thing.

 

Think about yourself & your career. What if a student lied about the nature of your interactions? Colleges default to protecting the accuser in this age of #MeToo. What if somebody else misconstrued something innocent they saw & called it tawdry to your boss? You really don't want to give the rumor mill any fodder.

 

You can still help with projects; just use conventional ways to stay in touch that don't give either side unfettered access to things they are better off not seeing.

[preraph]

Having one who is no longer in your class tell another student all about you is just as damaging to your career as interacting personally while a student is in your class. You know how people gossip. They will exaggerate and before long, it will get back to the college and hurt your reputation and make you very unprofessional. You will end up with people in class who already know or think they know personal things about you from someone else. You are playing with fire. It's just inappropriate and really stupid professionally.

[loveisgrand]

Having one who is no longer in your class tell another student all about you is just as damaging to your career as interacting personally while a student is in your class. You know how people gossip. They will exaggerate and before long, it will get back to the college and hurt your reputation and make you very unprofessional. You will end up with people in class who already know or think they know personal things about you from someone else. You are playing with fire. It's just inappropriate and really stupid professionally.

 

What is personal though? I would never discuss my love life or personal issues with them, but I talked to them about my time spent studying abroad, and when a student asked me about a musician I mentioned my father was a huge fan. But yeah, just because my intentions are pure - doesn't mean theirs are. I see what you mean. Just to make it clear, I have maintained a strictly professional situation with them, I denied giving them my social network accounts and have declined invites for coffees and beers. I just wondered if a farewell coffee or future cooperations on projects was ok. Even my colleagues told me I was a bit too obsessed with keeping things proper. When I was at Uni our TAs would invite us for parties and would go clubbing with us - I never joined cause I thought it was unprofessional. I just didn't think that helping these kids out from time to time outside of class would be that risky.

[littleblackheart]

We have no hard and fast rule at my uni; it is assumed that staff act professionally at all times.

 

I have a couple of my old students on my professional social media; none current, though.

 

As PhD student, I went to one of my sup's and her husband for dinner and had coffee a couple of times with the other. No big deal.

 

Can your students not pop into your office during contact hours? Maybe you could extend your contact hours to fit with their timetable?

[Malin889]

I am a professor at Uni (early 30s) and I teach first year students. Most of them are around 19 and most of them are male (it is a technical Uni). Some are older than me as well. My question is, it it ok to add them on FB, Instagram and maybe go for a coffee with some of them ONCE I stop teaching them. (they asked me - not the other way around) (I only have them for one semester). Some of them asked me to help them out with projects, some just feel like my baby brothers, I am very protective of them. Is that weird? I am not married and dont have any kids. I am a female. Thanks in advance.

 

No do not add them to social media. If you have to ask, you know it’s wrong.

[anika99]

Having one who is no longer in your class tell another student all about you is just as damaging to your career as interacting personally while a student is in your class. You know how people gossip. They will exaggerate and before long, it will get back to the college and hurt your reputation and make you very unprofessional. You will end up with people in class who already know or think they know personal things about you from someone else. You are playing with fire. It's just inappropriate and really stupid professionally.

 

The above would be my biggest worry. When l was around your age I worked as a supervisor and one night after a late shift an employee offered me a ride home. I accepted as I would normally have to take a cab at that time of night. As we were leaving he suggested that we go out to eat. Again I accepted as this wasn't unusual. We were all night owls due to working late every night and often went out for late dinners in groups.

 

So we arrive at this all night restaurant and over the period of dinner this male employee just gets creepier and creepier. Making sexually suggestive comments, looking me up and down, and even looking into my eyes and slowly licking his lips. I was not flirting with him at all and I kept trying to keep conversation to small talk but he was clearly had some other plan. I got so grossed out and uncomfortable I told him to forget the ride home and I called myself a cab from the restaurant. I didn't want this jerk giving me a ride home because l knew he was going to try something and I definitely didn't want him knowing where I lived.

 

So all that happened was that we went to a restaurant and ate and then I left alone in a cab. That is NOT the story he told the other employees the next night at work. He told everyone that he and I went back to my place and had hot monkey sex and he even made up graphic details. It was disgusting but I didn't even know he was telling this story. He got fired a couple of months later for unrelated reasons and during a discussion I was having with my boss this rumor was disclosed to me. So not only did all the employees hear this jerks completely fabricated story, my manager had caught wind of it too. I felt so angry and I felt so humiliated even though I hadn't done anything. I wanted to punch that jerk right in the face but he was no longer with the company. This guy was in his late twenties and yet he made up this juvenile story like a young teenage boy might and I had no idea because nobody told me for a long time.

 

If you want to protect your reputation and be seen as professional I would recommend that you never do anything one on one with a male student. Once the two of you are alone you never know what the boy will try or what he will say to others. Juicy stories are more fun than the boring truth so if one of your students ever makes up a false story about that time he was out alone with you people will be inclined to believe him and since there was nobody else to witness the interaction it just becomes a he said/she said situation and as I said, people will want to believe the sordid story over the truth.

[Fugu]

I am a professor at Uni (early 30s) and I teach first year students. Most of them are around 19 and most of them are male (it is a technical Uni). Some are older than me as well. My question is, it it ok to add them on FB, Instagram and maybe go for a coffee with some of them ONCE I stop teaching them. (they asked me - not the other way around) (I only have them for one semester). Some of them asked me to help them out with projects, some just feel like my baby brothers, I am very protective of them. Is that weird? I am not married and dont have any kids. I am a female. Thanks in advance.

 

Speaking as someone who's taught at the university level in the past, I think you're okay. When I was on FB I had students send me requests, and I never accepted while I was teaching them. But I befriended them once I knew they had finished my course. It's okay to befriend them once the semester is over and once you know you'll probably never teach them again. If you end up teaching a friend at some point in the future, you might want to disclose that to your faculty supervisor or dean in an email, just to be sure you're in the clear. Most university teaching contracts have sections that address conflicts of interest, so just be aware of that, but it doesn't seem like any lines have been crossed here.

[Fugu]

Having one who is no longer in your class tell another student all about you is just as damaging to your career as interacting personally while a student is in your class. You know how people gossip. They will exaggerate and before long, it will get back to the college and hurt your reputation and make you very unprofessional. You will end up with people in class who already know or think they know personal things about you from someone else. You are playing with fire. It's just inappropriate and really stupid professionally.

 

I think you (and others) are misreading the situation. We're not talking about high school; this is a technical school in which people are adults and capable of forming adult relationships with people. I personally never approach students about friendships and I doubt the OP does either, but students many times will naturally develop a sense of fondness for a teacher if they've enjoyed the course. It's not necessarily anything sexual, though attraction is certainly within the realm of the possible. I don't see where the OP is outright using bad judgment.

 

Having said that, OP, one thing I would do is to read your employment contract very carefully and also read whatever your institutional handbook says in the personal conduct section. Be sure to avoid anything that can be seen as "conflict of interest." I would probably not consider going much beyond being a mentor to these students. Coffee is fine, but I would avoid any kinds of one-on-one that could be construed as a "date" even if it's not a date.

[loveisgrand]

I think you (and others) are misreading the situation. We're not talking about high school; this is a technical school in which people are adults and capable of forming adult relationships with people. I personally never approach students about friendships and I doubt the OP does either, but students many times will naturally develop a sense of fondness for a teacher if they've enjoyed the course. It's not necessarily anything sexual, though attraction is certainly within the realm of the possible. I don't see where the OP is outright using bad judgment.

 

Having said that, OP, one thing I would do is to read your employment contract very carefully and also read whatever your institutional handbook says in the personal conduct section. Be sure to avoid anything that can be seen as "conflict of interest." I would probably not consider going much beyond being a mentor to these students. Coffee is fine, but I would avoid any kinds of one-on-one that could be construed as a "date" even if it's not a date.

 

The thing is my colleagues tell me I am being too careful. But I am the only younger professor who is female and I am very aware of that. I do however actually think some of these kids are cool and on their way to change the world and I would like to help them do it. There is nothing romantic about it. And again, my (albeit male) colleagues tell me I overthink it. They cooperate with the students outside of class all the time. But they are guys....

[d0nnivain]

You can cooperate with students, you can be friendly with students but you need to establish bright lines & staying off social media is one of them.

[whichwayisup]

I am a professor at Uni (early 30s) and I teach first year students. Most of them are around 19 and most of them are male (it is a technical Uni). Some are older than me as well. My question is, it it ok to add them on FB, Instagram and maybe go for a coffee with some of them ONCE I stop teaching them. (they asked me - not the other way around) (I only have them for one semester). Some of them asked me to help them out with projects, some just feel like my baby brothers, I am very protective of them. Is that weird? I am not married and dont have any kids. I am a female. Thanks in advance.

 

Do not add them on your social media, Or if you do, create a separate account with just students, and keep it professional. No coffees outside of school.

 

Boys get crushes and other things.... Don't be too affectionate, this day in age innocent things can be taken out of context, especially if the parents find out. You don't want to be on the news! You need to keep your professional reputation.

 

A male teacher would be majorly judged by this and probably others would find it wrong, so keep that in mind.

[Fugu]

The thing is my colleagues tell me I am being too careful. But I am the only younger professor who is female and I am very aware of that. I do however actually think some of these kids are cool and on their way to change the world and I would like to help them do it. There is nothing romantic about it. And again, my (albeit male) colleagues tell me I overthink it. They cooperate with the students outside of class all the time. But they are guys....

 

I think it's probably okay, as long as you remain in the role of being a mentor. I think that's the line that needs to be established. Mentors can be supportive and even friendly. A mentor can have a talk about a range of subjects over coffee at Starbucks, as long as you're doing this as a mentor and as long as you're aware that young minds might be in different places than yours.

 

I suspect that this is where the concerns others have expressed here might come from. Maybe people aren't worried about what you're doing as much as the fact that, as was said in a previous post, a 19-year-old guy is legally an adult, but his brain is still young. Be alert to the fact that your idea of mentorship might be something else in his mind.

 

But you can still be a mentor or adult figure, and I don't think you should avoid former students at all costs because of what could happen. Just be have boundaries and stick to them.

 

As for social media, that's your call. I've pretty much given up on Facebook, but I use others. I had several former students on my FB when I was on it, and I never felt like things were awkward. It was clear from the beginning that they were *former* students and that they were always going to be my 'students' in my eyes. But it was kinda cool to follow the progression of their lives after I had finished teaching them. I think that's one of the great things about being a teacher - finding out what your students become as they mature.

Edited February 2, 2019 by Fugu