friendship issue

[Foxhall]

I had a falling out with a good friend some years ago. We have since reconnected as it were and have a lot of phone contact now particularly regular texting,

However there is no meeting up for a drink or anything, and anytime I might suggest a meet-up, my mate politely declines.

This texting goes on as if we are great friends, but there is no social gathering despite living in the same town.

The chap I know does go out occasionally for a few pints, but I would never be invited. I am looking perhaps for a few helpful thoughts.

Should I continue with this text friendship or would it be better to cut contact also and get on with my life?

I do miss the old days I suppose, but feel I am confused and need advice!

[darkmoon]

the old days may be something he is not sure he wants back... or perhaps he has an awkward problem that prevents meeting

[preraph]

Sounds like you're not really friends anymore and that this friend doesn't want to just cut you off, but also doesn't want to really get mixed up with you. I am in a similar position with a very good old friend of mine who crossed boundaries. She, in fact, called this week, after breaching my trust as well as her husband's a couple of years ago. She's really trying hard to get back in my good graces. Before, she'd never plan ahead and just call when she was 60 miles away and expect me to drop everything and drive there, which I have never agreed to. This time, she called ahead, left a message with a day she'd be around and added "I don't know if you're still talking to me." I wrote her a brief email the next day saying I was too busy to meet. I'm not just going to forget what she's been up to. I no longer want her knowing anything about my life or asking about my friends' lives and meddling with them. At the same time, I'd come to her aid if she was really in trouble NOT of her own making.

 

I suggest you be satisfied that this person is still speaking to you at all and just keep in loose touch. Things may or may not loosen up. If my friend would stop lying and acknowledge what she's been up to and express deep remorse, I'd consider seeing her, but ONLY because she has mental health issues to blame maybe some of it on.

[FMW]

If you enjoy the texting friendship then there's no reason to end it. But if it makes you feel bad (I'm guessing it does since you posted) then it might be best to let it go.

 

You tried to initiate meeting up, they declined. You've done all you can.

[Foxhall]

ok thank you I appreciate the comments and all of them make sense.

Yes I guess the thing is that it not easy repair a broken friendship either, perhaps I take a naïve view of things that all can be forgiven and forgotten,

but as you allude to preraph, it may not be as easy for everyone to just forget about a past breach of trust.

[preraph]

It's hard to trust someone, and once they breach that out of self-centeredness, it never comes back. I don't know what happened between you, but the only thing I can suggest is if you are truly remorseful and your ethics are such that you would never do that or something similar again, you can try convincing her, but truth is ethics don't change much, though mine did change as I got more mature. My friend has genuine mental issues, diagnosed both narcissist and bipolar, so combine those and you have something of an excuse, but I know she knows better than to get up to what she does because I've known her 40 years and she knows better enough to LIE about it and conceal it.

[Ronni_W]

Yes I guess the thing is that it not easy repair a broken friendship either, perhaps I take a naïve view of things that all can be forgiven and forgotten,

If you are the one who caused the break-down, have you specifically offered an appropriate apology? It is the first step in receiving forgiveness.

 

Then, there needs to be a specific statement of understanding that, and how, you hurt him; and that you are sorry, and will not do it again.

 

As you say, the view that people should just 'forget' that certain people and/or environments are potentially mentally-emotionally risky, or ignore it or pretend it away, is naïve, and,

thus, you can safely update that view about receiving forgiveness, to a more accurate one.

 

(Of course, if it's your mate who hurt you, the same applies to him.)

[basil67]

ok thank you I appreciate the comments and all of them make sense.

Yes I guess the thing is that it not easy repair a broken friendship either, perhaps I take a naïve view of things that all can be forgiven and forgotten,

but as you allude to preraph, it may not be as easy for everyone to just forget about a past breach of trust.

 

It may be forgiven (as in letting go of anger and hurt), but it will never be forgotten.

[whichwayisup]

ok thank you I appreciate the comments and all of them make sense.

Yes I guess the thing is that it not easy repair a broken friendship either, perhaps I take a naïve view of things that all can be forgiven and forgotten,

but as you allude to preraph, it may not be as easy for everyone to just forget about a past breach of trust.

 

It isn't easy but it takes effort by both involved. How can you mend a friendship with him if he isn't willing to see you? Texting is fine once in a while but that's not going to help in the long run. It's effortless and easy to text.

 

Question is, are you okay with how things are now? If so, then continue on texting and accept that this is how it is. If not, then talk to your friend and be honest about your expectations and what you hope for the future.

[Foxhall]

First of all just to sat thank you for the comments, I am impressed with this forum, good to get the insightful insights.

Yes just coming back on two comments,

In terms of the actual falling out, well the background was a bit of tension had been brewing perhaps due to meeting too often in years gone by. It all came to a head one evening and we had a phone argument. My mate, we will call him John, said he was sick of us hanging out, that I needed to find other contacts etc and he wanted space.

At the time of the argument I reacted badly and said some abusive things to him, along the lines of criticising his behaviour towards his girlfriend.

Our falling out was pretty bitter and obviously I said much more than I should have.

I immediately regretted this in the aftermath and tried to apologise. However the outcome was John completely blanked me for a period of at least four years and if we met there was just complete hostility.

 

 

After a few years we met up again through a mutual contact and spoke to other and so on.

Then about one year later, John texted me and we did meet up on two occasions that year and things seemed reasonably ok again.

I would say about three years has passed since that and we have had a lot of text contact getting on well having the bit of banter and so on.

However we have met up maybe once in that time, by coincidence, and I am out of the circle I suppose really. I keep my thoughts to myself, I feel bitter about this, I take the view I have done nothing wrong in the last 10 years and am still being isolated for something that occurred over ten years ago.

there is a certain amount of walking on eggshells with him too, it would be just a no-go area to bring up our actual previous falling-out(I was told to never mention it when I did once try to bring it up)

to answer an other comment, the funny this is I do actually enjoy the texting, we always got on well and have the same thoughts and interests on a lot of topics. The other thing it is actually John who instigates much of this texting giving me the impression well he must still view me as a mate.

However, I also feel a bit depressed about the situation on occasion. Perhaps it is positive in terms of rebuilding the friendship, however I feel lousy at times, here this chap is pretending to be my best mate on texts and then if I want anyone to meet for golf or go for a social outing, I know he will not be there.

Another contact of mine feels I am degrading myself by persisting with the texting, to kop -on, ( we are aged late 30s now at this point)

however I keep going back to the idea well we do have the banter together still and perhaps long term things will turn around yet.

As commented above, I suppose there is very little else I can do, if not being met half-way.

Finding a different circle of friends is probably the answer, although that is surprisingly proving more difficult than I expected.

[Ronni_W]

, I take the view I have done nothing wrong in the last 10 years and am still being isolated for something that occurred over ten years ago.

Foxhall, thanks for filling in some of the details.

 

From what you've added, I'd say that it is more than likely that the current level of the relationship has very little, if anything at all, to do with the past incident...that is,

from his side of things. (I get that you are still holding onto it, but he may not be.)

 

Within a year of you two reconnecting, he was willing to meet with you on two separate occasions, strongly suggesting that he held no grudges at that point.

 

But, he may then have come to realize that each of you have simply gone onto two, too-different paths by that time.

This does happen all the time, even in long-standing friendships in which there has been no negativity, tension or conflict. People just drift apart, sometimes; and it's not always mutually felt or desired.

 

It sucks when it's the other person seemingly making a unilateral decision,

but his other option is to tell you something like, "Dude, I'm just not that into you anymore." . Much more awkward, for both of you.

[preraph]

He was tired of the friendship way back then before you crossed the line about his girlfriend. He was already wanting distance. You have to just accept that. Not all guys even want a close male friend. Obviously, he doesn't. Probably he just wants someone to say "How about dem Saints?" or something and that's as far as he goes, maybe.

 

He has set a boundary with you. He likely feels somewhat guilty for rejecting you, but he still doesn't want to give you any time. He probably wants to know you're okay and all. But he doesn't want to give you time, so you need to stop even trying for it.

 

What you need to do is look for a new friend.

[Foxhall]

Yes ok, I accept what you are saying.

Yes I agree in fairness he did meet up a couple of times back in 2015 and as you say Ronni, that probably indicates he holds no animosity.

 

 

Funnily enough it was better probably in 2015 than currently.

 

 

Yes I guess I am yearning for the days of the past, but as mentioned by a few he is certainly not anxious for the same!!

 

 

preraph, I guess what your saying is the simple truth- he does not want to give me any time

 

 

Yes I guess the thing I was confused about, is it a friendship or not currently,

 

 

and overall the reality probably is that is not. It is half a friendship another mutual contact does say,

 

 

anyway finding new acquaintances and so on is what I need to focus on.

Edited January 27, 2019 by Foxhall