Unfriending My Best Friend

[MetallicHue]

I’m not sure if this is the right topic to put it in. Frankly I’m not even sure if I should post this given the catastrophic things people go through on this forum.

 

So basically there is this former friend of mine Z. She’s married and I’m married. She was a coworker who reported to me. I befriended her and was very emotionally attracted to her. She and I would im/joke all day at work. We really connected but just as friends. The communication was at some insane level - hundred of texts back and forth a day. Anyway I’m OCD and it became like an addiction for me. Short of it was I was able to maintain some balance eventually. But then she told me about how her husband did something that upset her. It wasn’t super serious but then eventually extended to some comments about how she was generally unhappy with stuff. I transferred jobs and said things like she was the best thing I left behind and she agreed with me. I was confused. I couldn’tdeal with it and eventually said let’s not be friends anymore.

 

I still find myself thinking about her from time to time. Keep in mind we were heavily communicating for nearly 6 months so this wasn’t an entirely short term OCD / addiction thing.

 

I think I’m generally unhappy in certain parts of my life. I wouldn’t say my marriage is bad. My wife i know is truly in love with me. However my job is very blasé and my mother in law has created tremendous tension in my house as she can be verbally abusive. I would say she seems to have turned over a new leaf the past couple months.

 

I guess nothing really happened per se. However I treated this person better than my wife and still think about her occasionally. I really feel little to no guilt. I still definitely agree what I did was wrong. I don’t know why I feel little guilt.

 

I don’t know where I should go from here. I think there are lessons to be learned out of this but I don’t know what. Sometimes it’s very hard to be introspective. It seems like some people are pretty insightful here so I was looking for input.

Edited January 7, 2019 by MetallicHue

[AriesDude]

yea all i see is "my wife is in love with me" and "i am unhappy"

where is the "I love my wife too"?

So you can see why there is little guilt. You had so much fun talking to the coworker about so many things in that 6 months that you probably passed the point of "emotional cheating".

It is unfortunately your fault as you allowed yourself to get so attached to her and tell her a lot about your personal life as much as she probably told you.

 

Sounds like you killed it when you told her you cant be friends anymore though which is good, if you never contact her again. My only advice... if you contact her again and you really believe you might want to see her again, please divorce your wife before you even 1 time try to go out with her and not tell your wife about it otherwise you're just gonna put yourself in a spot where you lose contact with both women. Good luck

[MetallicHue]

yea all i see is "my wife is in love with me" and "i am unhappy"

where is the "I love my wife too"?

So you can see why there is little guilt. You had so much fun talking to the coworker about so many things in that 6 months that you probably passed the point of "emotional cheating".

It is unfortunately your fault as you allowed yourself to get so attached to her and tell her a lot about your personal life as much as she probably told you.

 

Sounds like you killed it when you told her you cant be friends anymore though which is good, if you never contact her again. My only advice... if you contact her again and you really believe you might want to see her again, please divorce your wife before you even 1 time try to go out with her and not tell your wife about it otherwise you're just gonna put yourself in a spot where you lose contact with both women. Good luck

 

Thank you for your honesty. I purposely left out I love my wife because it’s complicated. I’m over 10 years in marriage but kinda of feel dead in side a lot. I would say I definitely feel like I made the right decision and am glad I’m no longer in touch with this person. How do people who’ve been in marriage here feel like after they’ve been married awhile? I believe I love my wife but some of the mundaness of day in/day out in my life has made me partially numb.

 

I don’t in anyway feel I deserved to do what I did - like I had a legitimate reason. I also feel like whatever I felt to Z wasn’t real and mostly one sided. I partially came on here because I feel empty and wanted to do something more meaningful in life than my desk job. I also just want to point out that if I hadn’t gone through 10 years of verbal abuse from my mother I don’t think I would have seemed as numb/emotionally damaged.

Edited January 7, 2019 by MetallicHue

[Malin889]

Well, you didn't really do anything wrong so why should you feel guilt? But seriously, you should get some therapy. Is your mother in law and mother both verbally abusive?

[MetallicHue]

Sorry just my MIL who lives with me was abusive - it was a mistype about my mother. My parents are both quite self absorbed people who always put themselves first. But therapy ah not sure - maybe to learn how to deal with them. Idk I’ve just kind of accepted it but probably can handle it better.

[preraph]

I think you just got caught up in an emotional affair, but it doesn't sound like it went further, and it's good you transferred. I think in time, you'll put it behind you. Marriage is never easy. Having an MIL around would be out of the question for me unless she was so special as to be like a best friend, but even then, it's too much.

 

If you don't like the situation at home, talk to your wife about it. Do one subject at a time. Do NOT tell her you fell for someone at work. It's over. Don't unload your guilt on her. Carry it and get over it. It was just an emotion.

 

Whatever is worst at home, address that when you're calm and you two are alone and getting along well.

[maxi105]

hi m/h...I ve only really got a few minutes left here, but one thing ive picked up is an excess of explanation that isn't making things too clear for me on this one.....maybe you can start by just talking to whoever it is you need to but in a more simplistic way...all this unfriending a friend and heavily communicating etc.....maybe if you forget all the daft jargon and just get to the point kindly and honestly and speak to whoever with your heart it might help.

 

 

its one of those posts whre you have to keep wondering what everything means, maybe get away from it all mentally or physically for a while do other stuff and come back to it fresh and talk to let others involved know.

 

 

I hope you work it out and im sure you will, im sorry I haven't had a chance to look at it properly but time has got me this time, i'll have another look at the weekend and if anything new comes or it hasn't already been said by others then il give you my thoughts on it.

 

 

best of luck anyway. just be you and just keep it simple sometimes so folks can follow whats goin on and it might help your dialemma. take care, maxi

[MetallicHue]

Do NOT tell her you fell for someone at work. It's over. Don't unload your guilt on her. Carry it and get over it. It was just an emotion.

 

I didn’t tell her that per se but she was aware of the person and knew I thought highly of her. Once in a while if I piss my wife off this person gets brought up. I have probably for the most part let it go and definitely avoid any discussion of this person. I do think moving on to a new job was good for that situation.

[whichwayisup]

I didn’t tell her that per se but she was aware of the person and knew I thought highly of her. Once in a while if I piss my wife off this person gets brought up. I have probably for the most part let it go and definitely avoid any discussion of this person. I do think moving on to a new job was good for that situation.

 

Just FYI, this 'best friend' isn't a best friend. It's a cancer to your marriage. Your wife or a guy is your best friend, not another woman.

 

Do find another job and focus on moving on, affair proof yourself (you let yourself get way too attached to another woman and that probably made you detach from your wife mentally and physically! Give that some thought..) and reconnect with your wife.

[maxi105]

hi again, Met/Hu...ive read your post again and I am still a bit baffled by bits of it. I think there are bits in it that are confusing the issues here, but im sure there are others that get what is going on better than me, and I appreciate you have written all you can to try to get some ideas on things.

 

im not sure my ideas are really any more at the moment, but maybe I can put a few questions for you so you can think about or let us know a bit more, it might help get some of the clouded stuff out of the way a bit.

 

ok, first up, how do you feel about this person even though time has moved on a bit, if you had to chose your man or this other person (and you knew the other person really wanted you too!) who would you "honestly" want to be with now?

 

 

you say you treated this other person better than your husband? how come? did you love this other person that much, if you did, then maybe there is unfinished emotional issues still floating around unsaid (because you cant say or are not wishing to talk about them to your husband, and i understand that) but actually you may probably need to resolve them with this other person so you can get clarity and it might help to kill the guilt, or it could bring up old feelings...but if old feelings come back up then maybe that is a more honest sign that you are not really as in love with your husband as you may be trying to convince yourself or wish for or may just need to test.

 

 

I think these feelings right or wrong are coming up and are still going on in your head, ocd or no ocd, because you haven't really dealt with this, it sounds like you really need to talk to this other person to get it all out of your system or evaluate what you really want and need from a relationship.

 

 

marriage doesn't always mean that that person is for you for the rest of your life if circumstances or one person feels things have changed or they are or you are questioning the love etc, for many though that isnt the case and that's great I guess because that is how it should be and idealistically to, so when it is working it just feels great. but what I am really saying also is that by looking for this person you are putting your whole marriage at a real risk - so it goes back to the question what do you want! is your husband enough?

 

it sounds like he loves you and you know he does, but you have to honestly ask if you love him and he is enough for you for the rest of your life/lives together. only you know that.

 

 

how did you feel when you ended it with the other person (or stopped things turning into something more)? did you talk to that person at the time to let them know what was going on or did you just decide what you wanted and just walk away without giving them a chance to talk or deal with how they felt? because if you did that then it wasn't the best way to cut a line in this situation for either of you.

 

 

if it were me still thinking of someone I really crushed on I would at least want to talk to them and apologise if I knew I didn't want more, and jus to let them know what I did and why I did it and show them respect and offer remorse and if they need it it might help them get closure as if you haven't spoken you cant know what their feelings truly were.

 

 

seeing them for a brief meet up would also let me know for sure if I was really committed to move away from this past situation and would make me feel more committed to my real relationship, not something that might or might not be real anymore, or might not be going anywhere, or might make my heart pound and make me want to separate etc...

 

 

I think its all about communication and honesty, I think there are going to have to be apologies given by you to your husband whether you stay with him or don't, and to this other person whether you discover you actually do have feelings and they keep surfacing for a reason and you are doing your best to deny it because you are married and were guilty then and still feel it.

 

 

have you seen this person to talk to around casually and if so how did it go?

 

 

I think one thing I that seems to be in your post is you are thinking and guessing rather than dealing with or talking too so you can clear this thing up for good and cut out the uncertainty.

 

you said that you've been in a marriage for 10 years but feel dead inside a lot....that doesnt sound like someone who knows 100% that they are really happy (regardless of all the other issues with relatives). if you have someone by your side then you can deal with relatives and other things!!!!! I wonder whether you felt such a conncetion with this other person because there was something in them that enabled you to talk honestly with them, they had a kindness and a fun that maybe your own marriage didn't always give you.

 

I think if you loved your husband without question you might be more content and not questioning things so much or be in the parts of confusion you are in. I feel that this other person had a way that made things feel clearer and simpler.

 

 

well ive told you what I would do if I were in your shoes, maybe think of the questions and clear your conscious with those concerned and your own true heart, intentions and feelings and then communicate what you feel when you've had time to reflect properly and honestly.

 

 

if you stay with your man great, but still apologise to both of them

 

if you discover that you feel more for this person and actually they still want you (if you haven't already found out) then you need to do the honest thing and apologise etc...

 

 

I can t help feeling that although you ended things emotionally, that you wanted more or would have been very tempted had situations allowed for more!

 

 

only you know what the real situation is here, and only your heart can know if you are being honest to what you feel and want regarding who makes you feel really happy, content and who you can talk to without effort, who you feel sparks with etc...

 

 

I think although this is not catastrophic as you say for the forum, its a valid post that you are concerned about, but what it does have in common with a lot of posts on the forum, is that it is something that you need to deal with

honestly and once and for all, otherwise it is going to keep going round and round.

 

that isn't fair to go round and round for your husband even if you are going to work things out and you realise you do still love him and want him for the rest of your life and it is real true love worth strengthening, it also isnt fair if you realise you love him, but are not still truly in love with him as you need to be, 10 year marriage or not.

 

 

if you love him you can meet this person and get it out of your system and then focus him. but if you need time separate for a while to think it properly about what you need to do. then do that, whether this other person features or not.

 

 

its about, apologies, communication and being honest to your heart and wanting to commit to who you are and who will come into your life if it cant be that other person.

 

 

a lot to think about, but if you are serious about sorting this out or stopping the guilt or thoughts about what could have been, what is or isn't good for you

, then you need to really think and then do the right thing to show respect to those that have been taken in one way or another.

 

 

see ya. and good luck with dealing with this. it doesn't have to be all sad or bad, but I think the other issues are clouding things, and I also think they are not helping your emotional health whether you want your marriage someone new, to be alone for a while or this other person, if that is possible.

 

 

once you ask your questions and deal with things you haven't fully dealt with then I think you will find your real answers and secure a lot more happiness, fun and security, and that in itself will empower you against the attitudes and negative behaviours of your relatives.

 

 

maybe also ask people you trust around you what they think of this other person if they know about them and you can trust them not to betray you in this, or if you cant do that, what ask what they think of your marriage from an outside but honest perspective. you might learn something that can help you.

 

 

ok, that's me done on this one. promise me you will do the right thing on this one and talk to deal with the people you need to.it will make you and them feel easier.

 

plus, its also about respecting those folks that have given you their time on the shack to offer genuine help and thoughts in not posing the same dialemma 6 months, 12 months 2 years about the same people ect...because you havent acted to really help yourself out of the situation.

 

let us know how you get on.maxi.

[MetallicHue]

I occasionally miss the person though I would say . I think I exaggerated it in my head. I was obsessed/addicted to the other person not truly in love. I think now that I’ve had a break away and think rationally I’d want to stay in the relationship I’m in.

 

I’d say my biggest concern is how to deal with feeling dead inside and avoid having something like this happening again to escape that. I suffer from depression and this was an “out” for me. My job feels incredibly unfulfilling and the spark in marriage is very much long gone. However I feel comfort and trust in my wife (not husband lol). Being told I wasn’t good enough by mother in law for the past 12 years has contributed to the dead feeling even tbough the emotional abuse mostly stopped.

 

I think you hit it home with the kindness and fun part not at home. At home everything is frequently battle with my older son and until recently fight with MIL. Maybe I need to try to do things to make more fun but it’s hard with spoiled brat downright nasty son who should be sent to boarding school. Had him calling me a lazy bum tonight. If he said that out in public to someone he’d be lucky not to get in a bar fight.

[maxi105]

mh/ my time is nearly up. seconds only left! my last thoughts are you cannot have your cake and eat it!

 

 

if you don't want this other person (and you kinda made it sound like there might be more there), then apologise, explain what craziness went on to them and move on.

 

 

EVERYONE WILL FEEL BETTER FOR IT.

 

 

good luck with it. but do say your sorry, you cant know what the other person may have gone through, especially if you cut them dead.

 

 

ok, times up. cya. maxi.