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Am I being too hard on my friend?


MsFriendly

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Me and an opposite sex friend had planned to go to a weekend festival together this month. We live a very long way away from each other and see each other twice a year at most, the plans were made back in August.

 

 

 

The festival we are going to is about 2,000 miles travel for both of us. We'd booked the hotel and everything (platonic!). The other day he told me he had invited his girlfriend to come too, so they would stay in a different hotel together. I have never met his girlfiend, they have been together about 2 months now.

 

 

We have always been close friends. I told him I wanted to spend a couple of hours with him alone at least so we could talk about stuff you don't talk about with strangers. He brushed it off and made it sound like I would have been on my own in a strange town whilst they were doing couple stuff. Turns out he had planned to spend the entire weekend with her and have me just tag along to the shows with them in the evenings as a threesome.

 

 

I am so upset because I had been looking forward to spending time with him after not seeing him for 8 months. I could have easily bought a date along if he had told me he had planned to bring a date earlier but the tickets to the festival have all sold out now.

 

 

 

I am mad at him and waiting for him to apologise but I am wondering if I am being too hard on him. It is like he sees nothing wrong with what he's done. What do you think?

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but I am wondering if I am being too hard on him.

 

Yes you are too hard on him.

This is why male and female cannot be friends in the same way as men/men and women/women. Eventually the non-platonic gets in the way in one form or another, either by one of the two getting unwanted "feelings" for the other, or by a 3rd party entering the picture.

 

You approached it with unrealistic and unverified expectations.

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No you are not too hard on him. You had a trip planned & he changed the dynamic without consulting you. He planned to abandon you while he did couple stuff with his new GF. Yes, as the GF she is the priority but since he already had plans with you, he should not have planned to just drop you. All activities should have been re-designed for all 3 of you.

 

You are wrong in that now that the GF is in the picture, he & you will not have lots of alone time to talk. Anything you say to him has to be said in front of her but that is about all you get now that she's on the scene.

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Yes you are too hard on him.

This is why male and female cannot be friends in the same way as men/men and women/women. Eventually the non-platonic gets in the way in one form or another, either by one of the two getting unwanted "feelings" for the other, or by a 3rd party entering the picture.

 

You approached it with unrealistic and unverified expectations.

 

You have every right to be upset and this has nothing to with the gender of your friend. If your friend was a girl and suddenly decided to bring her new boyfriend you would still be in the same boat as the third wheel. His actions are selfish and inconsiderate. If you decide not to go can you get any of your money back?

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He definitely should have checked with you before inviting her. I’m sure it will be awkward now because you don’t know her and have to spend a whole weekend together. I’m assuming this is their first “holiday” together only being together two months and all, you’d think they would want to spend their first holiday alone. If everything is sold out, how did he get a ticket for her?

 

Did he tell you straight out that he was planning to spend the day times alone with her without you? That’s really ******. I would be upset too.

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Ok, I went back and re-read it again. I see you made reservations together or that is how you describe it, but I don't know what "together" means specifically. One person did the reservations for both? Same room? One paid for it all, the other pays them back later? Or did you each make reservations separately with separate rooms, but just agreed "together" that this would get done?

 

So if they are going to stay at a separate hotel then clearly he canceled his reservation and made one at another hotel for the two of them. This sounds like he originally made his own separate reservation distinct from yours otherwise he could not have changed it without you being involved. So something just doesn't add up here to me.

 

But in any case the non-platonic situation he has with her is just going to trump the platonic situation he has with you. That is just the way it is, as unpleasant as that might be. You live a long way apart and are not a normal daily part of each other's lives with only seeing each other twice a year. That means there is a huge amount of things that can happen in each other's lives without the other knowing it,...such as one finding a romantic mate. This is where the unrealistic expectation comes into play that I mentioned.

 

So I'll modify my conclusion a bit to say that he certainly could have communicated to you what he was doing and not to have surprised you out of the blue with his change of plans. So I think you are justified in being ticked off about that. But I stick with the rest of what I said. You just kind of set yourself up for disappointment.

 

Are you certain that this is really platonic from your side, or only platonic while you wish it was more than that? I guess it doesn't matter much in the end, but it would make the disappointment have a lot more sting.

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Ok, I went back and re-read it again. I see you made reservations together or that is how you describe it, but I don't know what "together" means specifically. One person did the reservations for both?

 

 

I always book the accommodation (twin) because its kinda what I do for a living. Hotel had been paid for by myself back in August and he was going to pay me back.

 

 

You have every right to be upset and this has nothing to with the gender of your friend. If your friend was a girl and suddenly decided to bring her new boyfriend you would still be in the same boat as the third wheel. His actions are selfish and inconsiderate. If you decide not to go can you get any of your money back?

 

 

For a big event like this then yes I would have been upset with a girl friend bringing her boyfriend and ditching me too. About getting my money back tho hoo yah oh dear. This is a story I will tell a bit down the way

 

Did he tell you straight out that he was planning to spend the day times alone with her without you? That’s really ******. I would be upset too.

 

 

Basically yeah. I tried not to be the needy friend but I asked enough questions so it got to the point where it became evident I was not part of his plan (his plan being to have as much sex as possible which under normal circumstances I would be happy for him to do so!)

 

 

I’m assuming this is their first “holiday” together only being together two months and all, you’d think they would want to spend their first holiday alone. If everything is sold out, how did he get a ticket for her?

 

 

 

Yes first holiday for them and basically they will be spending it alone due to his change of plans. As for how he got a ticket..... after offering to buy my tickets out (after I protested to him) he spent over $1K on getting the ticket just for one night from touts. Which is one sign I know he's serious about the girl but......

 

 

I got the tickets for us in the first place. 2 tickets. I paid face value for the tickets and the hotel because I knew I didn't have to worry about him paying me back.

 

 

 

And I think I just did something unbelievably cruel myself because I have now announced I am taking a date too (out of the blue a friend from Brazil can join me). And I have sold what was his ticket to my friend from Brazil at the face value I paid.

 

 

You want to take your girlfriend get your own damned ticket.

 

 

 

I feel like a bitch but uh well. All 4 of us going once he pays 3x the inflated value for his own ticket now....

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As for how he got a ticket..... after offering to buy my tickets out (after I protested to him) he spent over $1K on getting the ticket just for one night from touts. Which is one sign I know he's serious about the girl but......
...Or he is just trying to impress her.

In what I consider a well balanced well solidly founded relationship the two would just now only would be becoming exclusive around the 2 month period,...not doing heavy traveling,...spending boocoo bucks,...on sex filled weekends.

 

I have now announced I am taking a date too (out of the blue a friend from Brazil can join me). And I have sold what was his ticket to my friend from Brazil at the face value I paid.
Good.
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And I think I just did something unbelievably cruel myself because I have now announced I am taking a date too (out of the blue a friend from Brazil can join me). And I have sold what was his ticket to my friend from Brazil at the face value I paid.

 

 

You want to take your girlfriend get your own damned ticket.

 

 

 

I feel like a bitch but uh well. All 4 of us going once he pays 3x the inflated value for his own ticket now....

 

Yeah wow, ouch. I hope he can still get a ticket for himself at the inflated price.

 

 

While you have every right to be annoyed at him. For a move like this, don't be shocked if he's no longer your friend.

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Yeah wow, ouch. I hope he can still get a ticket for himself at the inflated price.

 

 

While you have every right to be annoyed at him. For a move like this, don't be shocked if he's no longer your friend.

 

 

Yeah I know! If he asks / apologises I plan to just give him my ticket to the second night. I am not that bothered about the bands that night, I was going there to hang out with him..... because I am a good friend....

 

 

 

Also Brazilian friend would not care who he went to the second night with (or if he went alone) provided he got to see the bands and Brazilian friend and me get to hang out together all Friday/ pre-show Saturday anyway.

 

 

My friend a soft-hearted guy when he is not being an idiot! He knows my feelings on this and gonna see how stubborn he is now.

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And I think I just did something unbelievably cruel myself because I have now announced I am taking a date too (out of the blue a friend from Brazil can join me). And I have sold what was his ticket to my friend from Brazil at the face value I paid.

 

 

You want to take your girlfriend get your own damned ticket.

 

 

I like it. He shouldn't have changed plans without asking you and he made you the third wheel. So nothing wrong with you changing plans without consulting him. Glad you had the tickets in your hands. Have fun at the show!

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Basically yeah. I tried not to be the needy friend but I asked enough questions so it got to the point where it became evident I was not part of his plan (his plan being to have as much sex as possible which under normal circumstances I would be happy for him to do so!)

 

Yes first holiday for them and basically they will be spending it alone due to his change of plans. As for how he got a ticket..... after offering to buy my tickets out (after I protested to him) he spent over $1K on getting the ticket just for one night from touts. Which is one sign I know he's serious about the girl but......

 

I'm sorry, but if he's totally serious and wants a nice forgettable vacation with his new girlfriend, he should have planned something on their own, not with a 3rd person! If a new guy I was seeing did this to his friend, I would think "red flag". You don't treat your friends like that.

 

Good for you for getting a date to travel 2000 miles with you! Wow - now THAT'S a good friend. :-) Have fun.

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And I think I just did something unbelievably cruel myself because I have now announced I am taking a date too (out of the blue a friend from Brazil can join me). And I have sold what was his ticket to my friend from Brazil at the face value I paid.

 

So by now, he should know that you sold his ticket. How did he react?

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