Need concrete instructions on how to make friends (know how up to small talk part)

[sam123456]

Hello all,

 

 

Social behavior and especially speech do not occur naturally to me. I must observe what others do and mimic their behavior. I have only one friend and have never been on a date in my life (I am 35 and male). I have figured out how to make small talk and have been using it to make acquaintances. But I don't know how to make friends. If someone could help me that would be great. Thanks!

[Garcon1986]

High five on the small talk and acquaintances. I would hold off temporarily on impressing the ladies, but you will be there really soon. What I suggest is -

 

1. Spend four days peoplewatching at your local bar, pub, restaurant, or café. Sit close enough that you can hear what other people are saying, but not close enough to be intrusive (meaning at least 3 tables away). Observe people's body language (meaning smiles, frowns, turns, uncomfortable faces, etc etc). Then, go home and jot down what you observed. The key here is the next point - ask yourself why the observed behaviors happened. If you are that type of ultra-scientific person, who always wants a logical reason to something, then this may be a good exercise.

 

2. Then, spend four days striking up conversations with people anywhere. About any topic. Start by making observations about the environment around you. For example, if the hot girl in front of you in the shopping checkout has a new food you've not seen before, comment on how delicious it looks and how you would love some advice on how she knew about it.

 

3. Then, spend four days trying to make new male friends. Specifically start with small talk, and specifically ask them what they like to do for fun. Friends start with having things in common. Ask to go with them to shoot archery, or play soccer, or whatever. Then they will tell you everything they know about that topic. Everybody likes talking about themselves. If you are an intent listener, most people will think you are an excellent conversationalist, just by listening.

 

4. Read the book by Tucker Max, called Date, from cover to cover. It will give you huge amounts of insight into dating, that will let you catch up to what you missed. In Mississippi everybody starts dating when they are 13 something, when I was trying to pass my math courses. I've got a lot of catching up to do myself. Then read Coach Corey Wayne's 3% man - it will teach you more of how to date and be the alpha male.

 

5. Repeat step 3 with the ladies this time. This step should take you about 2 months. Try now, to join clubs that are frequented by women (yoga, painting, cooking, etc). At the same time join clubs that are natural to you, where you can be most in your element. Speak to every woman you can find, without the pressure of needing to snag a date. Most women you meet will not be interested or ready to reject you because of you looking awkward. Women are trained from a young age to reject men's advances quickly and kindly, otherwise they would have no time to do anything. It's a cruel reality, but women subconsciously evaluate a lot of stuff about you and make snap judgments, whether they are right or not. The point here is to make your social game the best it can be. You don't get a free ticket to talk to women in the same way women get to talk to women - you are on the spotlight when you make such attempts. Confidence and measured speech with a clear delivery are key.

 

 

6. If you have public speaking fears, please join such a club to work on those fears. Many of the same fears are transferred to dating (the pressure to snag the hot girl's attention).

 

 

7. If you now can consistently talk to women, now try to ask them out. Tell them specifically you want to ask them out to this or that event, so they can't tell you I didn't know it was a date. When you get to this point call us back and let us know how your first trials of dating goes. We're here to support you!

[d0nnivain]

Join a group then volunteer to do something for the group so you have a purpose.

 

For example if you join something like the Elks, the Moose, the Lions, the Masons etc. be the guy who sells the 50-50 tickets. You will have a reason to speak to everybody in the room. AS you get to know people through this task it will be easier to interact with them & make friends.

[LuckyM]

The oldest advice is to show active interest in someone else's life--their hobby, their job, anything positive about their interests. For example food or music or sports or dogs. Push yourself to ask questions without probing or nosy. Don't interview them either.

Most people like to talk about themselves, their interests. Some do not--so if they do not want to open up--move on.

Don't try this with ladies right away because they will think you are trying to date or have sex. Or you could ask a parent about his or her kid.

[suhbliem]

Join a group then volunteer to do something for the group so you have a purpose.

 

For example if you join something like the Elks, the Moose, the Lions, the Masons etc. be the guy who sells the 50-50 tickets. You will have a reason to speak to everybody in the room. AS you get to know people through this task it will be easier to interact with them & make friends.

 

This. It's a Win Win Win. The less fortunate benefit. You meet good people (you won't find *******s at volunteer gigs). Teaches you how to interact with people the right way. No offense to the other commenter but mimicing what you see in bars may not be a good idea, even restaurants, there are callous and rude people everywhere.

 

Go volunteer. I suggest starting at meetup.com look for groups in your area and start going. It will be terrifying going by yourself at first. But after a few times you will see the same people and they will talk to you or you will say hi to them becuase you recognize them. you will smile when you wave and they will do the same. small talk. get to know why they are there, where they are from, do they have kids, etc. Continue volunteering. continue talking to the regulars. Eventually you will start to gain their trust. Trust is key in any relationship. Maybe one day after volunteering suggest if they would like to get something to eat.

 

All the sudden you have made more friends. If I were you I would focus primarily on volunteer gigs. Going to a restaurant or bar by yourself to observe people will be kind of... not good. let's be real. sorry to the other commentator, you have good suggestions in your post, i just don't agree with the going to a restaurant/bar

[preraph]

I agree with volunteering and taking a role where you have a job and that job is to interact with people, whether it's serving drinks at a lodge or handing out towels at the lodge's pool or taking the admission to anything. A local lodge, like Donnivain says will introduce you to local people who may become friends. Or maybe you take a part-time job at the local Bingo place or just Saturdays at the hardware store helping people.

 

You can volunteer to help soup kitchens or anything the church is doing. You can volunteer to sort donated clothing at any one of the charities. It's endless. Google "volunteer" and your town name for more ideas. Sell concessions for your high school games. Just get a position where you interact with people and have a reason and basically a set job script so you don't have to strain to think what to say and can get used to it.

[Giraffe-A]

What is something you like doing? What is something you know a lot of? Visit places where you will find people with your interests. Conversation flows smoothly. Talking about the weather is a conversation starter. There was this one sales guy that just randomly walked up to me and started giving me a recipe for the perfect steak. I was brief- fire up the pan on high heat, cook your steak 3 minutes on each side, lower the heat and cook for 5 minutes on each side. Then he went straight to his name. I’m always blown away how people start conversations that way especially since I was buying a car, not cows.