Complicated link to Damsel in Distress

[Shindig]

I was assaulted by a guy years ago and after pressing charges, he pleaded guilty and I was given a restraining order. A girl I knew in common with him (I understand they’d dated at one time) made the rounds and told everyone I knew in common with him to cut me out of their social circles and most of them did. This made it a little easier when I moved from the state and cut anyone remaining that I knew in common with him out of my life with wide margins to try and put a period at the end of that chapter of my life.

 

Another girl who was on the fringes of that social circle and who I wasn’t going to miss, elected to move to my municipality and started asking to hang out with me and mine. After weeks of pestering, I took her out once, and she immediately started dating a guy friend of mine who has a little bit of white knight syndrome and likes to rescue fragile women. She’s a classic damsel in distress - the instant she’s feeling insecure, the self deprecating comments start to flow and if that doesn’t garner attention and praise, often she becomes physically ill (I’m not sure how much is an act and how much is real). One time (prior to me moving states) I went on a car trip with her and she spent the entire 4 hours throwing up and when probed, she said, “Oh, I took my vitamins on an empty stomach and that probably made me nauseated.” The whole ride revolved around making her comfortable and it was exhausting. She refused medications that might help and wouldn’t stop to use toilets to vomit and insisted on doing it in the car because she didn’t want to “be a bother”... because everyone else in the car LOVES the smell of vomit. I have a handful of stories like these even thought I try to avoid her.

 

I’d decided to just keep things cordial and try to be polite when I realized that she keeps in much closer touch with the guy I have the restraining order against than she’d let on previously or I would have told her to **** off straight away (though I probably should have...). This guy stalked me for years (unbeknownst to me) before he finally assaulted me and this girl knows where I live. I’m worried if I upset her, that she’ll tell him where I live “accidentally” because she “has a bad memory”. The restraining order is in another state 2000 miles away and it ends when his probation does in another year or so, so renewing it is a huge headache on my budget.

 

Am I overreacting? I’m not sure how to broach this issue with her without making her feel like she can pull the damsel in distress BS and get sympathy from me and bringing her closer. I’m afraid if I let her dangle for my own sanity, she’ll do an ******* thing “accidentally” to feed on the drama. What would you do?

[d0nnivain]

I'd ghost her. Be polite if you end up in the company of your guy friend she is dating but other than that, keep her out of your life, no explanation needed.

[preraph]

You're not overreacting, but did you actually bring her to your home so she knows where you live? If so, she probably will tell him if he prods her after she says she saw you. A friend of mine was in a bad position similar once and we knew the stalker watched everything online at a couple of different forums. He knew where she lived. I went on and in the course of talking to someone else, I just casually mentioned she had recently moved, for his benefit. She hadn't moved. But it worked. So worse comes to work, fake a move. You can always tell her you're moving to some other town far away.

 

You need to break ties with her. You don't know if she can be trusted. People never take stalking seriously until it happens to them and think you're making too much of it, but stalkers are one of small group of criminals whose potential for violence is very high. So yes, ghost the whole lot of them if possible.

[Shindig]

That’s a great idea. I can certainly fake a move and you’re my hero. He already assaulted me once and moving 2000 miles away was not just for kicks; I believe he’ll kill me if he finds me again. That crazy of “I love you, WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME!?!?!” is really terrifying. Thanks so much.

[d0nnivain]

If you genuinely think he'd actually kill you, invest the money to keep the FRO in place. You may be able to testify by Skype or something, assuming you have a lawyer.

[preraph]

That’s a great idea. I can certainly fake a move and you’re my hero. He already assaulted me once and moving 2000 miles away was not just for kicks; I believe he’ll kill me if he finds me again. That crazy of “I love you, WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME!?!?!” is really terrifying. Thanks so much.

 

Just remember to do it in a format of internet where you can avoid answering any more questions like asking for your address. Or say you can't remember it or haven't signed the lease quite yet.

 

I feel bad for you. I know how dangerous and how overwhelming having a stalker is. The other thing you probably need to do is pay to keep your actual address private. It is nearly impossible with the internet. Within a year, google will probably have your address listed in search, and it's probably very difficult to keep all the address/background services from listing it. Might even be impossible. But if the problem continues, just keep "moving." And you could also "marry a boxer," I suppose. For real, you should get a couple of big dogs to protect you if at all possible. Dogs are naturally protective once they get to love you and the best thing is they can hear and smell things long, long before you can and this will alert you.

[Shindig]

I never had a lawyer since I was a witness for the state. It’s probably something I can ask my victim’s advocate about. She’s probably the best resource here.