Friends expect me drive over 50 miles--am I being unreasonable or are they?

[Cam1]

Maybe I'm just turning into scrooge in my old age, or grad school has gotten to me mentally.

 

I'm one of those people who sees a trend that I typically end up getting taken advantage of in a friendship, or I say *no* reluctantly and put my foot down and feel bad.

 

I lived in a very small rural town that was 100 plus miles each way from the nearest big city. I moved away for graduate school in August.

 

I'm going home for Thanksgiving. I have a friend who lives in the big city mentioned above, and she wants to meet up. I know from past experiences this will mean the expectation is I get in the car and drive either a. to a halfway point, which will be at least 50 miles each way, or b. I'll be expected to drive all the way there, since her car allegedly broke yesterday.

 

I'm not trying to be the world's biggest a$%$$, but I won't have my car home at thanksgiving, so I'd have to borrow my family's and even if I did have my car, putting 200 miles of wear and tear on it and spending a bunch on gas on a really tight grad student budget isn't something I want to do. Additionally, this is the FIRST TIME I haven't had classes in months, and I'm only home for 4 days--I want to spend those days doing the things I love at home--spending time with my family, hiking, playing with the animals, and eating more food than I usually have means to in school. This roadtrip she's asking for will take up the better part of half a day to do, most of it in the car.

 

Am I the one being scrooge, or is this a lot to ask of a person and I should feel fine putting my foot down?

 

Second part of driving questions since they seem to be a popular expectation of me these days: My BEST friend since college is a photographer in addition to having a full time job. She recently mentioned to me she might get to shoot a wedding in a town 80 miles from where I go to school, next semester. I was like "cool, you probably won't see me much because it's my most intense semester yet, and I have clinicals, but you are welcome to stay with me if you want!" She then sends me this big text the next morning with the drive time, and implies she would drive my car to the wedding and back. That's 160 miles, her first time driving in this state (which is known for it's bad drivers and high density traffic--I'm pretty sure all of you can guess what american state im talking about) ever, on a winding mountain road to get there and back. Gas is almost $4 a gallon here as well, and I wouldn't call my car the road warrior at 15mpg. i'm protective of my car because if something happened, i don't have the means to get another one right now, i've had it since it was new, and I need it to get to my clinical rotation sites or I would be SOL. Also, I will HAVE those clinical rotations while she's here in the spring, so i need it every day. I read the text and it actually made me angry--she could get a rental car literally for $15.

Do I have a right to be upset?

Edited November 21, 2018 by Cam1

[SunnyWeather]

Do I have a right to be upset?

 

You have the 'right' to be upset about whatever you want, but in OP examples being upset is counterproductive. What you're upset about is not being able to say 'no'. The question you should be asking is: Should I let myself continuously feel like a victim because I perceive others to be taking advantage of me or am I going to stand up for myself?

 

If you don't want to drive or not lend someone your car, then say "NO". You can do it politely but firmly. Prioritizing your life according to your goals/needs does not make you a bad person. It demonstrates your ability to set boundaries that reflect your intentions.

 

You can suggest your friend drive out to see you. As for the other who thinks your car is hers at her beck and call, 'hell no'!

 

You are in school at a critical point, from what I gather. Taking care of yourself to support your goals should be your first priority. If your friends don't get that, then you might have to re consider if they truly are your friends.

[Garcon1986]

Please don't label me as a guy who just doesn't get it but I will give you the lad's perspective. I don't intend to come off as the guy who doesn't get it, but mark my words I am improving and absorbing feedback.

My proposal would be to simply contemplate - genuine friends will not give each other up just because of car issues. You both would like to see each other - I get it. You aren't prepared to drive the long distance. You can either compromise, do some facebook video, skip holidays for now until your situation is more settled, or get annoyed about it. I have never had a genuine friend in my life abandon me due to car issues.

Maybe take it as a test of friendship? If she really likes you, it won't be a problem to facetime.

[preraph]

Look, this is easy. Just say no, not this year. Tell her you just want to relax and not spend money or travel. There's nothing wrong with saying no to people.

[d0nnivain]

Do what makes you happy. If you don't want to drive, don't. If you want to see her, ask if she wants to come to you. I get that she doesn't have a car at the moment but where there is a will, there is a way.

[basil67]

this is the FIRST TIME I haven't had classes in months, and I'm only home for 4 days--I want to spend those days doing the things I love at home--spending time with my family, hiking, playing with the animals, and eating more food than I usually have means to in school.

 

Take away all the issues about distance and gas and borrowing a car and you're left with the above. The simple fact is that you would prefer to spend those precious four days with your family. And that's OK.

 

Just tell her you would love to meet up but you're exhausted and need some down time at home. No need to feel guilty about looking after yourself.

[RecentChange]

You simply have to learn how to be more assertive.

 

“I would love to see you, but I am spending 4 days back at home and won’t be driving into the city”

 

As for borrowing your car - no one borrows my car, perhaps you need to employ the same rule. Like you, I just can’t afford something to happen to it.

 

I feel like you could be writing about where I was from - small town in the mountains, an arduous drive to anywhere. Been there, done that, and quickly got sick of being a chauffeur.

 

So you need to tell your other friend, sorry, I can’t lend out my car. Perhaps her folks have one, or if she is old enough she can rent one. The fact that she is accepting jobs she has no way of getting to is not your problem.