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She is hiding me from her Boyfriend


Realy Confused

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Realy Confused

Hi Guys

 

First to say that English is not my native language so I apologize in advance if something is wrong written.

 

So I have a situation that really confuses me and I hope that you guys can give me your opinion about my situation.

 

8 months ago I became friends with a girl.We really connected well and spent a lot time together.When I say a lot I mean 70-80 % of the day.We did mostly everything together from eating together almost every meal,going out,watching movies,... and it always was on a friendly basis and I am behaving towards her as if she is a family member.

 

Last month she reconciled with her boyfriend of 4 years (they broke up because he was cheating on her,always fighting,he was /is using cocaine,heroin and so on) to give him a one last chance because she still loves him.

 

Last 3-4 weeks I was out of Town and didnt have the opporunity too meet him.Today while chating with her I found out that she is in a way hiding me from him.She is deleting our conversations and she said to him that I am just a work college who she sometimes sees when we are all from work going out together the whole work group.Then she said to me to behave in front of him just like a work friend/college who she practically only sees in the workplace.

 

Honestly our friendship was always friendly,never sexual and I am honestly confused.Why is she hiding the extent of our relationship ? I am an honest Person and I am feeling uncomfortable because I have to lie to this Guy when I meet him for the first time.Also all of our mutual friends know the extent of our friendship and its impossible for this Guy to never find out.

 

I also offered to her to distance myself from her because I dont want to cause unnecessary Problems for her but she doesnt want that either.

 

So my question are: why all the secrecy,why all the unnecessary lying when its only a friendship ? I really dont understand this Girls mind.

 

P.S. If anyone needs more details or has questions to understand the situation or her mindset feel free to ask.

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Because guys do not take it kindly when their girl friends have male "best friends".

 

Sounds like you spend more time with her than her BF. You may even know more about her than her BF does.

 

Personally, my husband has female friends, and I am okay with that. I would NOT be okay with him having a female friend that he spent "70-80 % of the day" with. Not when we started dating, not when we were getting serious.... just no, thats where *I* am supposed to fit in, not an opposite sex friend.

 

Now.... as for your friend, if you are close. Are you really cool with her being together with a cheating heavy drug user? He sounds TERRIBLE, and any good friend would probably discourage a relationship with someone so toxic.

 

So, there is that element too.... might have been fine if he was a great guy, and the three of you could be good friends - but do YOU want to be friends with a drug addict?

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Aww. Well, because they were always fighting, she just already knows he suspects every man in her life. And he's a cheater, and cheaters always think everyone else thinks like they do: That if they have an opportunity to cheat and get away with it, they will, which is not true.

 

So she knows he will just fight about her having a male friend. He probably resents her female friends too. You don't have to enable her, exactly, but hopefully, this is one last chance for them and then maybe it will be over. It's not fair when women cut their friends out because of a troubled relationship, but I'm female and it's happened to me more than once. They choose the easiest path and then find themselves with no friends, which is what their partner wanted. So she's enabling his behavior, but it's her choice.

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Realy Confused
Because guys do not take it kindly when their girl friends have male "best friends".

 

Sounds like you spend more time with her than her BF. You may even know more about her than her BF does.

 

Personally, my husband has female friends, and I am okay with that. I would NOT be okay with him having a female friend that he spent "70-80 % of the day" with. Not when we started dating, not when we were getting serious.... just no, thats where *I* am supposed to fit in, not an opposite sex friend.

 

Now.... as for your friend, if you are close. Are you really cool with her being together with a cheating heavy drug user? He sounds TERRIBLE, and any good friend would probably discourage a relationship with someone so toxic.

 

So, there is that element too.... might have been fine if he was a great guy, and the three of you could be good friends - but do YOU want to be friends with a drug addict?

 

Thanks for your answer I appreciate it.

Well they have an "on again - off again" Relationship since 2013 and when we became friends they where not Dating and I am generally not starting friendships with Girls that are Dating because I dont want to create drama or Problems between couples.

 

When we started our Friendship she told me a lot about her life with him and how he was Physicali Agressive towards her,how he used drugs and never supported her when she wanted to become better in her job,... that were all the reasons why she left him the last time.

 

Now a month ago he contacted her again and said to her that he is not using anymore and that he wants a life with her.I tried honestly to reason with her and we had numerous Arguments this past month.She was doing so great in work and was going towards a Promotion and I was helping her whenever

I could and was so happy that after a so sad story she was moving forward and doing something great for herself.Her Parents where also happy that he was Finally out of her life but unfortunately she made a choice to give him another chance because she still loves him (go figure :rolleyes: )

 

Today I said to her that I will only meet him briefly and be Polite and that I dont want such a Person in my life because I was always in sports,never even smoked a cigarette in my life and I honestly cant be around such a Person,we have nothing in common nothing to Talk about...

 

I also said today to her that I will always help her out if she needs help but I am going to distance myself from her too because I dont want Problems in My Life and such a Guy in her life can only cause Problems.Well Sche was angry about that :confused:

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Aww. Well, because they were always fighting, she just already knows he suspects every man in her life. And he's a cheater, and cheaters always think everyone else thinks like they do: That if they have an opportunity to cheat and get away with it, they will, which is not true.

 

So she knows he will just fight about her having a male friend. He probably resents her female friends too. You don't have to enable her, exactly, but hopefully, this is one last chance for them and then maybe it will be over. It's not fair when women cut their friends out because of a troubled relationship, but I'm female and it's happened to me more than once. They choose the easiest path and then find themselves with no friends, which is what their partner wanted. So she's enabling his behavior, but it's her choice.

 

Thanks for your answer.

 

Yes thats truth.She has curently only me and one Female friend...This last month all her Friends and Family turned their backs on her,many are not talking to her anymore because they all where helping her to go forward in life and yet again she choose to give him another,how she said it "one last chance"...

 

Well Today she said something like when I meet him and when he is around I should not hug her only shake her hand and that I should not talk with him about this last 8 months and not too tell him that we were so close friends...

 

With this huging thing I am okay and understand and Respect that but honestly I am feeling uncomfortable with lying acting and pretending that we are strangers and acting like we dont know each other so well.Because of that I also said that I will distance myself from her because I cant lie and dont see the reason for that.

 

I Forgot to say that she was Briefly in a one month long Romantic relationship with some Guy in those last 8 months and she told her current Boyfriend about that Relationship because she wants to start with honesty but is hiding the extent of our Friendship to him :confused::rolleyes:

Thats also one of the reasons why I dont get the secrecy thing .

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Hi Guys

 

First to say that English is not my native language so I apologize in advance if something is wrong written.

 

So I have a situation that really confuses me and I hope that you guys can give me your opinion about my situation.

 

8 months ago I became friends with a girl.We really connected well and spent a lot time together.When I say a lot I mean 70-80 % of the day.We did mostly everything together from eating together almost every meal,going out,watching movies,... and it always was on a friendly basis and I am behaving towards her as if she is a family member.

 

Last month she reconciled with her boyfriend of 4 years (they broke up because he was cheating on her,always fighting,he was /is using cocaine,heroin and so on) to give him a one last chance because she still loves him.

 

Last 3-4 weeks I was out of Town and didnt have the opporunity too meet him.Today while chating with her I found out that she is in a way hiding me from him.She is deleting our conversations and she said to him that I am just a work college who she sometimes sees when we are all from work going out together the whole work group.Then she said to me to behave in front of him just like a work friend/college who she practically only sees in the workplace.

 

Honestly our friendship was always friendly,never sexual and I am honestly confused.Why is she hiding the extent of our relationship ? I am an honest Person and I am feeling uncomfortable because I have to lie to this Guy when I meet him for the first time.Also all of our mutual friends know the extent of our friendship and its impossible for this Guy to never find out.

 

I also offered to her to distance myself from her because I dont want to cause unnecessary Problems for her but she doesnt want that either.

 

So my question are: why all the secrecy,why all the unnecessary lying when its only a friendship ? I really dont understand this Girls mind.

 

P.S. If anyone needs more details or has questions to understand the situation or her mindset feel free to ask.

 

 

Here's my opinion:

 

He is an abusive person and she is trapped in the "cycle of abuse" and may have codependent tendencies, etc. and is unable to untangle herself.

 

if you are truly her friend, you will suggest that she see a domestic violence counselor and a therapist.

 

She's "hiding" the level of connection the two of you share because she may very well be afraid he will physically harm her one day when he is drunk/high, etc. because of a fit of jealousy.

 

She needs to get rid of him and she will likely need a professional therapist to help her do it.

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