How to deal with this

[ZA Dater]

Its true to say I don't have many friends or many people around me who I am close to but I do have a few close confidants. One of which is a friend of many years, she and I are friends and it works, she knows more about me than just about anyone.

 

 

There has never been romantic interest which is fine, she started dating this guy last year and from being close its like she is trying to cut me off completely I have also noticed her friendly spirit seems to have vanished, everything is stressed, her BF has not worked in months and while he and I get along ok I am starting to get the sense he doesn't want her around me.

 

 

We have lunch from time to time, just catch ups and so on, she was really eager to meet up for one of these now its a case she cant because "she needs her time", she can see me for ten min for coffee, do some stuff around town with him and try see me again when he goes out.

 

 

I am just sad because this great happy bubbly person is fading away, she makes a lot of excuses for him, she doesn't have much family and I just cant help but wonder how he treats her.

 

 

Do I sit back and say nothing, do I be the supportive shoulder, do I enquire gently, I am really torn about this because to me there is something pretty wrong with this, she can only seemingly communicate with me when she is at work.

 

 

I live a very lonely life so these sporadic catch ups and lunches are really nice, as I say there is no romantic interest but I value her as a friend.

[preraph]

You can't tell her how to live her life or what to prioritize. I'm certain her man doesn't want you around, just common sense. But that doesn't mean that isn't okay with her. Have you ever invited them both to do something? That's what's the best thing to do in these situations.

[ZA Dater]

You can't tell her how to live her life or what to prioritize. I'm certain her man doesn't want you around, just common sense. But that doesn't mean that isn't okay with her. Have you ever invited them both to do something? That's what's the best thing to do in these situations.

 

 

 

I have tried that before but he is much like a spare wheel, he doesn't try get involved in the conversation.

 

 

This is just someone I have known for a really long time and its a good friendship but I guess there is nothing I can do if he doesn't want me around.

[MidwestUSA]

I have tried that before but he is much like a spare wheel, he doesn't try get involved in the conversation.

 

 

This is just someone I have known for a really long time and its a good friendship but I guess there is nothing I can do if he doesn't want me around.

 

 

Don't take it personally. Despite your statement 'there has never been interest romantically', that's not the way he sees it, and it's a typical male (or female) reaction.

 

If her friendly spirit is dying because of her situation with him, it'll blow wide open soon enough. Then you'll be the shoulder to cry on. Just be careful to not end up as an emotional tampon or a rebound.

 

So sorry you lost a true friend; they're hard to come by.

[ZA Dater]

Don't take it personally. Despite your statement 'there has never been interest romantically', that's not the way he sees it, and it's a typical male (or female) reaction.

 

If her friendly spirit is dying because of her situation with him, it'll blow wide open soon enough. Then you'll be the shoulder to cry on. Just be careful to not end up as an emotional tampon or a rebound.

 

So sorry you lost a true friend; they're hard to come by.

 

 

 

I think I will just be there for her if she needs me or wants to talk, that's one of the things I am best at: supporting people and listening to them

 

 

She has also battled to date, in the time I have known here this was her second bf, the first one turned out to have a dark side to his life, we sometimes joke who is more useless at dating. I think she is pretty scared if she calls him out he will walk and in her mind she wont have anyone.

[MidwestUSA]

I think she is pretty scared if she calls him out he will walk and in her mind she wont have anyone.

 

That's sad. Better to be happy alone, than unhappy with someone.

 

What's up with her BF not working? A temporary setback is one thing, but chronic unemployment is not acceptable. Do you feel like she's being used?

[ZA Dater]

That's sad. Better to be happy alone, than unhappy with someone.

 

What's up with her BF not working? A temporary setback is one thing, but chronic unemployment is not acceptable. Do you feel like she's being used?

 

 

 

I do. She works incredibly long hours, he has all these ideas but doesn't do any work. He charged her rent to live with him, now she is paying the lease.

 

 

I like to help people but cannot think of anything that constitutes wise help in this situation barring saying "If you ever need to talk I am here" She has helped me out a lot with many things, vey close confidant.

[preraph]

I have tried that before but he is much like a spare wheel, he doesn't try get involved in the conversation.

 

 

This is just someone I have known for a really long time and its a good friendship but I guess there is nothing I can do if he doesn't want me around.

 

It might not be that he has ever even said something, but like you said, when he's around you, he feels left out some way, so she may just be being kind to him.

[JuneL]

It’s not surprising he doesn’t like her to be near you. It’s pretty clear you’re judging him big time.

[Nilfiry]

People come and go in life as life throws new things at you, and new things can mean new priorities. If she has a new BF now, then it is natural for her to prioritize her BF and neglect you. One can only do so many things and please so many people at once, after all, that is why having priorities is important. As her friend, you also need to understand this and let things flow according to its natural course, and if that means that she will drift away from you, then you can only give her a send off with your best regards, especially since you are not romantically interested (or so you think...). Of course, that also means that if it turns out that her BF is a dirt bag, then you should also be there as a support shoulder.

[Malin889]

I have tried that before but he is much like a spare wheel, he doesn't try get involved in the conversation.

 

 

This is just someone I have known for a really long time and its a good friendship but I guess there is nothing I can do if he doesn't want me around.

 

My take on it based on what you described:

 

1. Her mood has changed and she's not as bubbly as she used to be.

2. He doesn't try to get involved in the conversation, be your friend, or even want her to be your friend.

 

It sounds like he is bringing her down and it's not a healthy relationship. That's just my take on it. Hopefully she'll end it soon. Has she ever had other relationships since you've known her? I hope because she doesn't have family around, that she stays with this guy just for the sake of having someone. Maybe tell her that you'll always be there for her as a friend.

[elaine567]

Men in general do not want their girlfriends having cosy chats and lunches with co workers, especially single ones with no gf.

He is no mood to be your friend, why would he want that?

He, we and you know that if she gave you a teeny tiny bit of encouragement you would be all over her like a rash...

 

She will not be able to see you as she did in the past, that is how it often works. Opposite sex friends do not make it long past the coupling up stage as partners will not allow it.

Couples meet up with other couples, parents meet up with other parents, attached guys meet up with other guys and attached girls meet up with other girls.

Singles meet up with other singles.

Everyone is thus "safe...

[Malin889]

She will not be able to see you as she did in the past, that is how it often works. Opposite sex friends do not make it long past the coupling up stage as partners will not allow it.

Couples meet up with other couples, parents meet up with other parents, attached guys meet up with other guys and attached girls meet up with other girls.

Singles meet up with other singles.

Everyone is thus "safe...

 

I completely disagree. I think only insecure people don't want their person to be friends with the opposite sex. Secure, healthy relationships are fine with opposite sex friends. "Partners will not allow it" - maybe partners that are controlling and insecure. But a "partner" should not be "allowed" to tell you who and who not to be friends with.

[elaine567]

I completely disagree. I think only insecure people don't want their person to be friends with the opposite sex. Secure, healthy relationships are fine with opposite sex friends. "Partners will not allow it" - maybe partners that are controlling and insecure. But a "partner" should not be "allowed" to tell you who and who not to be friends with.

 

 

Whether with a secure or insecure partner, this friendship is on its way out, that is how it works.

Fine if you are in college or in your twenties but once things get "serious", then few will want their gf/bf, husband/wife hanging about with single BFFs on their own. They have too much invested to stand back and just let something happen, as the single BFF is usually interested romantically, that is why they are still there... waiting...

ZA Dater has been "waiting" for this girl for years, that fact will not have escaped her bf...

[WomenWubber]

You may not have romantic feelings towards her, but still would **** her given the chance.

 

You need some male friends. You know, bros before... and all that.

[ZA Dater]

Whether with a secure or insecure partner, this friendship is on its way out, that is how it works.

Fine if you are in college or in your twenties but once things get "serious", then few will want their gf/bf, husband/wife hanging about with single BFFs on their own. They have too much invested to stand back and just let something happen, as the single BFF is usually interested romantically, that is why they are still there... waiting...

ZA Dater has been "waiting" for this girl for years, that fact will not have escaped her bf...

 

 

 

This is someone else I have known for much longer and have no interest in whatsoever. Trust me she is far beyond what I could ever hope to get romantically so its a non starter from that point of view.

 

 

I just think his attitude is terrible and whatever reason she seems to think being controlled is ok.

 

 

But I think one of the other posters is right I can just be there or I can just walk way, I'd rather just be there for the odd chat if she wants to than to just walk away.

 

 

I have few enough people around as it is.

 

 

Quite why he would see me as a threat I have no idea, perhaps if he actually did a bit more and paid a bit more forward in terms of kindness I wouldn't have to do the things he should be doing. Her car breaks down, I get called, not him. Arranging the car to be fixed, he is too busy so I arrange it. Admittedly I do wield economic power he doesn't have and perhaps I know I look right through him.

 

 

I don't do those things for any other reason than I perceive it to the right thing to do.

[Malin889]

Whether with a secure or insecure partner, this friendship is on its way out, that is how it works.

Fine if you are in college or in your twenties but once things get "serious", then few will want their gf/bf, husband/wife hanging about with single BFFs on their own. They have too much invested to stand back and just let something happen, as the single BFF is usually interested romantically, that is why they are still there... waiting...

ZA Dater has been "waiting" for this girl for years, that fact will not have escaped her bf...

 

I disagree, I think the friendship will be back on track as soon as she breaks up with her controlling boyfriend. Keep the faith, ZA Dater. But in the meantime, don't wait around, but keep a full life, meet up with other friends, and eventually, she'll come around.