Trying to reconcile with my best friend

[LauraXX]

I met my best friend in school and we were inseperable for almost 20 years. Her family was very conservative and extremely religious. I come from a very liberal family and my parents basically "adopted" her. She would spend weeks at our house when her own parents were giving her a hard time. We grew up together, knew everything about each other, she was the most important person in my life.

 

 

When I went abroad to study she met a guy from her parents congregation (I'd definitely call this community a cult, but I think officially they're not). She started to go to church again, founded a prayer group, reconciled with her family. She basically became a different person and I almost didn't recognize her when I returned two years later. We were still friends though, we just did different things together. No more going out to clubs, no more gossiping about guys etc., but we still got along quite well. She then married that church guy and the whole wedding was a bit traumatic for me. I'm an atheist myself, but I have no problem with people believing in whatever they want to believe. That wedding ceremony was spooky though. The minister mentioned her "shady past" and her false friends and I felt soooooo uncomfortable being there. We met a few times after the wedding, but I had the feeling that we were starting to get uncomfortable around each other. It's hard to explain...we never even had a fight...but I couldn't really talk about what was on my mind (my dating troubles, my surprise pregnancy, my political and religious beliefs) and she couldn't either. We were both beating around the bush and it just didn't feel right.

 

 

So I wrote her a letter. I think it was 10 pages long I told her that I loved her dearly and that she would always be my very best friend. I told her that it hurt to see that she was so uncomfortable around me and that I had the feeling that we had nothing in common anymore. I told her that I only wished her the best and was glad to see her happy, but that it might be better to not see each other for a while. I also wrote that I would always be there for her and help her if she ever wanted out of that church or that marriage.

She never replied and so we lost contact. I didn't worry too much in the beginning. I was still convinced she would get in touch eventually. I was also very busy with being a new mom, working full time etc. But then I started to miss her more and more.

 

A few months ago, after not being in touch with her for 10 full years, I finally decided to seek her out. She's not on any social media but I was able to google one of her brothers and he gave me her phone number. I was too scared to just call her, so I texted her something along the lines of "Hi, it's me. I miss you, I would like to get in touch again. Would you be willing to speak to me?" I didn't hear anything for 2 weeks after that and tried to make my peace with the fact that this friendship was effectively over. Then she finally replied. She told me that she was so happy to hear from me and that she had missed me as well. She apologized for the late reply, but said that she has small kids and a stressful job and had been waiting for a quiet moment to text me back. She then gave me her email address and told me to contact her via email instead because texting was so annoying. (I hate texting too and it was funny to see that we still had that in common ). I literally cried tears of joy. I was SOOOOO glad to have her back in my life.

 

 

So I wrote her an email briefly summing up the past 10 years of my life and asking her about her life. I also told her that I would love to meet her for a cup of coffee and was looking forward to hearing from her. That was two months ago and she never replied

Now I don't know how to proceed and I can't stop thinking about what might have happened here:

 

Did I write anything wrong? Maybe she has a problem with the fact that I'm a single mom now? It's surely nothing her church would approve of, but on the other hand... I mean.... it's 2018 after all. That's the only thing in my email that I think she might not have liked.

 

Did her husband delete the email? The email address she gave me seemed to be a shared family address (XYfamily@). He never really approved of us being friends.

Did it just end up in the spam folder?

Is she so busy that she didn't find a quiet minute to get back to me in the past two months?

Did she change her mind and just doesn't want to be in touch with me after all?

Did she just forget to reply?

Did she reply and the email got lost?

 

The waiting kills me, but I don't want to put too much pressure on her by texting her again. Seriously....it's worse than analyzing and overthinking a guy's behaviour when it comes to dating

What would you do? Or do you think it was stupid to reach out to her in the first place?

[Ronni_W]

Or do you think it was stupid to reach out to her in the first place?

Not stupid, no. But, IMO, it would be unwise to not accept all the signs that are there right now.

 

It doesn't even matter what happened to your email; she does have your contact info from when you texted her. If you look at it from her side,

it would seem that the relationship has run its proper and full course, for her.

 

Hugs.

[nospam99]

Not only do emails get deleted by other people who have access to the account, they also get lost i.e. never delivered. She said she was happy to hear from you. Phone her. But be prepared to CYA.

[preraph]

She probably didn't have time to read your long letter. Listen, I'm a long letter writer too, back before internet, and I think you fall so low on a mother's priority list that she probably didn't even read it all and told herself she would when she got the chance. You should have maybe kept it short and waded in instead of the full monte. Yes, if she's not really on internet, her husband probably saw that personal letter and probably doesn't approve of you. Totally possible.

 

I had a high school friend/later college who hung out with our little group of hippies in college. She was real squirrely, and I wasn't really very interested in her, but she was best friends with a close high school friend also there in college. So she was part of the group, though I often asked myself why. She was just so goody-goody seeming. She dated a biker for awhile, though, which surprised me. Then the next thing I knew (her living in the dorm room next door mind you), she was about to get married to a guy none of us had met or even heard about that her equally squirrely mother set her up with. He was just this super straight guy her mother liked at work, nothing like what this girl had as friends or had dated. She just left school and I never saw her again. Wasn't invited to the wedding or anything. She just lived this one lifestyle and then her mother told her to grab this guy, whose sole asset seemed to be he worked for Ma Bell, and I guess she lived happily ever after.

 

People are weird. Her younger sister was a missionary. Our community was dominated by a huge cultlike church, but as far as I know, they weren't part of it. I imagine even though he didn't fit in at all with her friends, he fit right in with her family.

 

Sounds kind of like what happened to your friend. I think you probably have personalities that kind of mesh but not really much foundation in common. I doubt she has any time for a friend now with a family, as is so often the sad case. It would be nice to find out if she works outside the home and has an "other" life or if she's just isolated and her family is her whole universe. That is what you might have put in your letter, finding out what her situation is. Because if she's just all about family, she's probably not going to make time for you anyway or have anything left in common with you.

 

She may write you back yet. Don't give up. She may be trying to find enough time to write her own letter without someone looking over her shoulder.

[LauraXX]

She probably didn't have time to read your long letter.

 

 

Oh, that long letter was the one I sent 10 years ago. This time it was just an email and it wasn't really that long. I summed up what had happened to me in the past 10 years but it was still just a few paragraphs. Definitely shorter than my original post here

 

 

 

But you're right. Not giving up just yet and I might give her a call in a few weeks if I don't hear from her until then.

[d0nnivain]

You're not a priority but that doesn't mean she wants nothing to do with you. She's just processing. Some of the indoctrination probably tells her to avoid you.

 

Do try calling. That may be easier for her. Not everybody has time for written words -- email, text etc

[Whodatdog]

Dont assume she received that email. Maybe text her back again, since she did answer that, and ask her if she got your email.

[stillafool]

I imagine your friend being a devout Christian and you being an Atheist makes you two unequally yoked as friends. She probably doesn't have much in common with you anymore as Christ is a major part of her and her family's life.

[preraph]

For what it's worth, one of my clients from the 90s became a friend of mine because we shared a love of animals and did some rescue. She was married from the time I met her and I often had lunch with both her and her husband, who works for Microsoft, so they were doing well financially. When they bought a new house in a fancy neighborhood, they also made some new friends. But the main thing that happened is, in anticipation of adopting a child, they began going to church. Well, she became a real religious fanatic. And when I attended their new child's shower, it was all church friends there, plus me and one veterinarian.

 

I'm not religious in a conventional sense, but am spiritual. So I did talk to her to ease her mind now that she'd gone so overboard and just told her I went to church when young and agreed with most of the 10 Commandments and philosophy and ethics, but just wasn't into "the church" for myself.

 

Still, we pretty much lost touch, no more lunching and all that, but part of that was just because she now had a child, but also because her new friends.

 

I still called her or e-mailed from time to time just to say hi and she was always and is, to this day, always touched when I get in touch with her. Now they live thousands of miles from me, though. Interestingly, before they left, she had a falling out with her church here -- and it was because SHE was more strict than they were about gays joining Boy Scouts and that sort of thing. It's weird because i never knew her in the old days to be judgy about that type thing, but she really got influenced/brainwashed by this church and then she went over the deep end to the point she was too judgy for her church friends.

 

So she was ready to move. I wonder if she got less judgy and churchy after the move or if she's still the same. I can't tell from just a brief phone call or e-mail, but thing is, I know at heart, she's a kind person who picked up a dog who had been hit by a car and spent thousands rehabilitating it and giving it a long life with her family and would do it again, and then worked in rescue, so we just connect where we can now.

 

If you have a strong point of connection with your friend, don't feel you have to connect on all levels, but it is true lifestyles and her with kids and being religious will narrow the level of involvement, but if it's a good connection on some level, I see no reason to throw it away unless that is what she finds the most convenient thing to do.

[LauraXX]

Interestingly, before they left, she had a falling out with her church here -- and it was because SHE was more strict than they were about gays joining Boy Scouts and that sort of thing. It's weird because i never knew her in the old days to be judgy about that type thing, but she really got influenced/brainwashed by this church and then she went over the deep end to the point she was too judgy for her church friends.

 

 

Yes, that sounds familiar. However, her church is so strict about these things that it would be hard for her to go over the deep end there Still...it's crazy how brainwashing can change a person so profoundly. She used to be so tolerant - one of our best friends in school was gay and she had no problem whatsoever with her sexuality. Also, people often thought that she was a lesbian and that we were actually a couple (because of her haircut, outfit choices etc.). We were most definitely not, but we didn't really mind that people would think that. Even ended up at a lesbian party once and had the best time there. Now she's a member of a church that is convinced that homosexuality is a sin. I just don't get it.

 

 

 

If you have a strong point of connection with your friend, don't feel you have to connect on all levels, but it is true lifestyles and her with kids and being religious will narrow the level of involvement, but if it's a good connection on some level, I see no reason to throw it away unless that is what she finds the most convenient thing to do.

 

 

Yeah, I agree. 10 years ago when we lost touch, we didn't really have that connection point anymore. But I think now we would easily find something to connect over. We both have kids, tons of shared memories, I'm still in touch with so many people from our old school... (she must be curious about what happened to them). We'll see. Didn't do anything yet.

[LauraXX]

Just digging up that ancient thread to let you know that she did finally write me back a few days ago. She apologized for not replying right away but that her emails always ended up sounding "wrong" and that she's just bad at putting her thoughts into words. So now she wants to meet in person and talk I'm really looking forward to that.

[Giraffe-A]

There is the possibility that she can’t hide anything from her hubby and they may be discussing this. She may be waiting for a chance to reply. The thing about friends is that time and space cannot seperate it. . I feel that if she or her entire congregation had a real problem with you, then you would not have been allowed at that wedding. Be patient and stay positive.

[Mrs._December]

Just digging up that ancient thread to let you know that she did finally write me back a few days ago. She apologized for not replying right away but that her emails always ended up sounding "wrong" and that she's just bad at putting her thoughts into words. So now she wants to meet in person and talk I'm really looking forward to that.

She sounds like a Jehovah's Witness. They tend to not want to associate with 'worldly' people (a/k/a those of us who are not Jehovah's Witnesses). And you being an atheist are the WORST kind of heathen.

 

I find it extremely ODD that it took two solid weeks to answer a simple text from you. Do you honestly believe this woman couldn't find 20 seconds to reply to your text just because she has kids and a busy job? Don't most women? And then it takes her 2 months to answer an email?????

 

Someone is seriously battling her conscience as to whether she should associate with the likes of a heathen or not. At this rate, you'll probably get that coffee date with her right around the time your kid graduates college.