Another friendship down the drain?

[daisy pooh]

I have always been the single friend and as one I was expected to be the flexible one. Which is fine - to a certain extent.

 

Last year I was a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding and failed to address a few of our issues because well...she was getting married and I guess her gentle bridal ego was not to be disturbed.

 

This year a similar story. Another friend, supposedly super close to me, guilt trips me into attending her bridal shower (I am the closest friends she has, bla, bla bla), but fails to invite me to the wedding or the dinner after the wedding (she said it was only family). Maybe I am unreasonable but I don't get it. If you are constantly insisting I am your closest friend, why do you not invite me for the wedding dinner at least?

 

That wasn't even the biggest issue. As I said, apparently when women get married they are allowed to become suer egocentric and care about nobody but themselves. After her bridal shower we ended up talking about some stuff in my life and I told her I was having a though time (only after she asked me what was going on because I was slightly anxious). I was in a super bad place at the time and needed someone to talk to. We talked for a bit and I left. No follow up to that, no invite for a cup of something hot, just the day before her wedding a message: can you believe I am getting married tomorrow??

 

So after the wedding I let her know when I am back in town so we could go for a cup of coffee. We live about two minutes away from each other. It's been a month. No call. She has no kids, she has a 9 to 5 job, she lives two minutes away from me. Yeah, grown ups get busy, but this? I feel neglected. Yes, I have been there through her hard times, and yes, she has been there for me too. But our friendship can live on things that happened two years ago. And this girl keeps insisting I am her closest friend. Am I being unreasonable?

 

Thank you.

[Zapbasket]

Nope. You're not at all unreasonable.

 

I get that getting married is a big life change, but you make time for your close friends. Period. YOU MAKE TIME FOR YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS.

 

I had a similar worry that I was being unreasonable to hope that someone with a bunch of family obligations (NOT small children or ill parents) would make time once in a while for a 1:1 coffee or hike, but then I found a list on the internet of things a good friend would NOT do. And guess what one of them was? "A good friend would not ignore you after they get into a relationship or get married."

 

I think there are a lot of women out there who live in terror that they won't get the husband, kids and picket fence they somehow have grown up feeling entitled to. For these women, basically their lives are not "real" until that perfect vision of a life begins to manifest. So as soon as it happens for them, their ENTIRE self-concept rides on it, and they have a sense of relief that they dodged the "sh*tty" life that would actually require them to figure out who they are without their various accoutrements, and with that relief they feel they must shun any emblems of that life they narrowly missed having to live, a.k.a., the life their single friends lead.

 

These women are insufferable to be around because they have no self. Everything is tied up in their husband and family and they wouldn't be able to survive a day without either, because then they'd actually have to look at themselves, perhaps for the first time in their lives. Because they have no self and their primary goal for themselves has been "fulfilled," they have nothing to talk about with you, and you can't talk about anything meaningful with them.

 

It sucks, and it makes little sense, but you just have to accept it for what it is, and let it go. There's a chance that once your friend has settled a bit in her new life, she'll once again give you more consideration. But there's also a chance she won't, and you need to be prepared for that. Just know you deserve friends who will make time for you no matter what their life circumstances...and who, if they really are swamped, will communicate with you about what's going on. these are friends who have you on their mind--that's how people treat people they consider "close."

 

Of course she wheedled for you to come to her shower: how could she pass up the free gift?

[healing light]

Green Cove, parts of your post had me laughing out loud.

 

Any friend who invites you to the bridal shower but not the rehearsal dinner or wedding/reception is someone that sounds to me like they are using you for your gift.

[Malin889]

I missed something - what does this mean? "But our friendship can live on things that happened two years ago."??? If you are her closest friend, just family or not, you should have been at the wedding. She can surely afford stuffed chicken for one more person.

[daisy pooh]

I missed something - what does this mean? "But our friendship can live on things that happened two years ago."??? If you are her closest friend, just family or not, you should have been at the wedding. She can surely afford stuffed chicken for one more person.

 

Oh, that was a typo. It should have been our friendship CAN'T live on things.....

 

Yeah I was really bothered by not being invited for the simple reason she keeps on insisting we are super close. Wtf?? People can be so strange sometimes. I didn't like it. This was our convo for the bridal shower:

 

She: Hey sweetieeeeee what are you doing in a week?

Me: I am going to Vegas for the weekend.

She: Oh noooooooo, I was going to have my bridal shower, you are the closest friend I have here, I need you here, it is important to me you are here.

 

I don't understand why oh why oh why would she insist on how close we are. She then moved her bridal shower up for one day and she said to me: see how I adapt to you. Excuse me??

[Zapbasket]

She then moved her bridal shower up for one day and she said to me: see how I adapt to you. Excuse me??

 

She sounds manipulative. A good friend does nice things because they want to and because they care about you. A good friend doesn't loudly pronounce their self-sacrifice on your behalf, as she has done here.

 

Have you had other instances with this friend where she was insensitive / manipulative?

 

Honestly, from what you've said of her so far she doesn't sound like a very good friend at all.

[daisy pooh]

She sounds manipulative. A good friend does nice things because they want to and because they care about you. A good friend doesn't loudly pronounce their self-sacrifice on your behalf, as she has done here.

 

Have you had other instances with this friend where she was insensitive / manipulative?

 

Honestly, from what you've said of her so far she doesn't sound like a very good friend at all.

 

I might have not been fair. I just read that sentence in my head. It was more like:friends do stuff for each other like I adapted to you.... ok still it was weird, if you give me a week's notice and I'm not even invited to the freakin' wedding, then why should I in any shape or form be expected to care about coming to your bridal shower. I don't think she is very manipulative, maybe she is becoming now that she wants her cake and to eat it too. She was always quite a good friend, with one exception. Once I asked her to hang out over the weekend and she said she was super ill and then I ran into her in town, she was going to the theatre. Why would you lie about that? She could have just said she was going out and had other plans.... She keeps pushing this notion we are super close. I don't understand why. If you have ditched me, yeah, it's not nice, but I have other friends and a good social life, lol. I don't need her if she doesn't want to be in it. I don't guilt trip people ever, I don't see the point it in. If I am irrelevant to you, good riddance. But why keep holding onto something just for the sake of holding onto it?? I am confused.

[daisy pooh]

She sounds manipulative. A good friend does nice things because they want to and because they care about you. A good friend doesn't loudly pronounce their self-sacrifice on your behalf, as she has done here.

 

Have you had other instances with this friend where she was insensitive / manipulative?

 

Honestly, from what you've said of her so far she doesn't sound like a very good friend at all.

 

Also, yeah she is married, but her life is pretty much the same. She lives in the same apartment she has lived for a few years with her now husband who was then her bf. She hadn't just moved in with him or anything and she lives virtually two minutes away. One if you run really fast. My theory is: I a am a darn good friend and she knows that. She is not stupid. So she doesn't want to loose me. But I am also not important enough to actually spend time with. So why not constantly reinforce this notion we are close (via an occasional text) so when she needs to moan about her life and feel like she does have some friends, I am there. That is my theory, it breaks my heart to think people are that calculative but hey....

[Ronni_W]

But why keep holding onto something just for the sake of holding onto it??

So why not constantly reinforce this notion we are close (via an occasional text) so when she needs to moan about her life and feel like she does have some friends, I am there.

 

(I assume you meant, "why constantly reinforce...", instead of, "why not...".)

 

People who act like this do it for selfish reasons -- their focus and interest is on what they need and on what you can do for them.

 

In my case, it was that I had been much too understanding, empathetic and forgiving...and, on the other hand, also self-sufficient and basically a 'low-maintenance' friend.

It was only when I ran into real life-problems of my own that their basic selfishness and 'high maintenance' attitudes and expectations came to light. Difficult lessons for me, but I did realize

that I had to distance myself from those who would not or could not put into the relationship the same qualities and benefits, in the same measure, that they hoped to receive from it.

[daisy pooh]

(I assume you meant, "why constantly reinforce...", instead of, "why not...".)

 

People who act like this do it for selfish reasons -- their focus and interest is on what they need and on what you can do for them.

 

In my case, it was that I had been much too understanding, empathetic and forgiving...and, on the other hand, also self-sufficient and basically a 'low-maintenance' friend.

It was only when I ran into real life-problems of my own that their basic selfishness and 'high maintenance' attitudes and expectations came to light. Difficult lessons for me, but I did realize

that I had to distance myself from those who would not or could not put into the relationship the same qualities and benefits, in the same measure, that they hoped to receive from it.

 

 

THIS. The second I start demanding more than what is expected of me to demand - I get nothing. A friend even told me I was high maintenance because I got upset after he ignored a text in which I wrote to him I almost had an accident. I never texted him back, and he never tried to find out why. The second I show any form of dissatisfaction or I am not happy with the treatment I am getting, I get called dramatic and demanding. But when they need me at midnight, crying on the phone, doing this and that - then it's fine. The second I feel I cannot be myself around them - I now leave. But my support and understanding goes with me.

[preraph]

If you have friends that don't care about what you're doing and your wellbeing, they might be okay for a fun night out, but they're not a good friend. And there certainly are friends who are only good for a fun time out and not personal things. Use them accordingly and weed them out if they cease being fun.

[Malin889]

Oh, that was a typo. It should have been our friendship CAN'T live on things.....

 

Yeah I was really bothered by not being invited for the simple reason she keeps on insisting we are super close. Wtf?? People can be so strange sometimes. I didn't like it. This was our convo for the bridal shower:

 

She: Hey sweetieeeeee what are you doing in a week?

Me: I am going to Vegas for the weekend.

She: Oh noooooooo, I was going to have my bridal shower, you are the closest friend I have here, I need you here, it is important to me you are here.

 

I don't understand why oh why oh why would she insist on how close we are. She then moved her bridal shower up for one day and she said to me: see how I adapt to you. Excuse me??

 

You didn't cancel your Vegas trip for the bridal shower, did you?

[daisy pooh]

You didn't cancel your Vegas trip for the bridal shower, did you?

 

no, I didn't. i was too annoyed by her noooooo, you need to be thereeeeee..... after not hanging out with me for weeks on end. but at the bridal shower (she moved it up one day) she made a point out of adapting to me. I thought to myself: I might be single, but my life still goes on during the times you conveniently have no time or will power for me. These types of girls, honestly, they feel like the rest of us are frozen in time and the second they need or want to see us - it's like: here we are.

 

Tbh, I am not so much bothered by her not even putting an effort into seeing me. What I do mind is the constant guilt tripping. A few days ago she finally texted me something and it took me a day to reply and she was like: finally!! It's like she's trying to make me tell her she is a good friend. Finally is the word I could use with her.

[stillafool]

Sounds like this friendship has run it's course. Next.

[daisy pooh]

Sounds like this friendship has run it's course. Next.

 

So in an attempt to reach out one more time, I called her and messaged her a few evenings ago (Sunday evening), I had an emergency and needed to borrow something. Another friend had it but I thought: Hey, let's see if she would come through. I first called her and then sent a message: Hi, it's an emergency, please call me asap. Thanks.

It took her 24 freakin' hours to respond. She said she was sick and home on sick leave. Do sick people don't go through their phones? Plus we live two minutes away from each other, plus she lives with her partner. Do you think her being sick justifies her not replying? Clearly I have no idea what is wrong with her, and I don't want to be heartless but I don't know.... what do you guys think? Thanks.

[Popeye_Jones]

She was always quite a good friend, with one exception. Once I asked her to hang out over the weekend and she said she was super ill and then I ran into her in town, she was going to the theatre.

 

Oh, I feel your pain on that one. To me, there is NO worse gut punch than when someone says "oh I can't make it I'm sick" or "so sorry, but an emergency came up" and then you run into them somewhere. It's like they didn't even think enough of you to simply just tell you the truth. Some people think that by lying to someone, they are helping, because it spares the other person's feelings. NO. That could not be farther from the truth. Being lied to hurts so much worse. Simply saying "I will be busy that day" would be a ton easier to hear.

[Zapbasket]

So in an attempt to reach out one more time, I called her and messaged her a few evenings ago (Sunday evening), I had an emergency and needed to borrow something. Another friend had it but I thought: Hey, let's see if she would come through. I first called her and then sent a message: Hi, it's an emergency, please call me asap. Thanks.

It took her 24 freakin' hours to respond. She said she was sick and home on sick leave. Do sick people don't go through their phones? Plus we live two minutes away from each other, plus she lives with her partner. Do you think her being sick justifies her not replying? Clearly I have no idea what is wrong with her, and I don't want to be heartless but I don't know.... what do you guys think? Thanks.

 

Sounds like you need to decide to let this friendship go, or to have an honest talk with this friend. It sounds like each of you is feeling that the other is remiss about the friendship in some way.

 

Yes, no doubt she saw your message if she was home sick. She may have honestly been too sick to respond, or she may have let you wait 24 hours the way you "made" her wait 24 hours to reply to her text.

 

I tend to feel you never should give up on a friendship until you at least try to find out the facts about what's going on with another person or what they're feeling. I think you need to insist the two of you meet for a coffee. Maybe on her end, she feels she needs reassurance that even though her circumstances have changed (marriage), you and she are still friends. Maybe she's just not a very good friend. You can't 100% know for sure until you try to get face to face and suss out what's going on and the status of your friendship. How she responds to that, might just tell you everything you need to know.

[daisy pooh]

Sounds like you need to decide to let this friendship go, or to have an honest talk with this friend. It sounds like each of you is feeling that the other is remiss about the friendship in some way.

 

Yes, no doubt she saw your message if she was home sick. She may have honestly been too sick to respond, or she may have let you wait 24 hours the way you "made" her wait 24 hours to reply to her text.

 

I tend to feel you never should give up on a friendship until you at least try to find out the facts about what's going on with another person or what they're feeling. I think you need to insist the two of you meet for a coffee. Maybe on her end, she feels she needs reassurance that even though her circumstances have changed (marriage), you and she are still friends. Maybe she's just not a very good friend. You can't 100% know for sure until you try to get face to face and suss out what's going on and the status of your friendship. How she responds to that, might just tell you everything you need to know.

 

Thank you for your reply. She is generally very bad at texting back, so I definitely had not started the trend of waiting 24 hours. I can tell when she just can't be bothered to respond or call back.... but if I write it's an emergency that means it's urgent. I wrote that so she knew if she looked at her phone it wasn't just a chit chat call but I really needed help. I could have been in serious trouble. I messaged her today to see just how sick she is and will act accordingly.

[Ronni_W]

, I had an emergency and needed to borrow something. Another friend had it but I thought: Hey, let's see if she would come through.

If you are going to use how somebody is acting and treating you to justify your own deceptive/manipulative behaviour, then it is definitely time to take a really hard look at all the dynamics in

the entire 'relationship', not just from her side but also - or especially(?) - from yours.

Do you think her being sick justifies her not replying?

Yes, of course it does. Especially if she knew that your entire 'emergency' centered around you wanting to borrow something...because that is not ever going to be a life-or-death,

actual-genuine 'emergency', is it? And, if she has an ounce of brains, she will know that. So, if you put in your messages that your 'emergency' was about borrowing something, then

she already knew that it was not a true emergency.

 

And, even if you didn't specifically mention about borrowing anything - yes, she still does have the right to put her own health and well-being as a priority over anything and everything else. Why not?

[daisy pooh]

If you are going to use how somebody is acting and treating you to justify your own deceptive/manipulative behaviour, then it is definitely time to take a really hard look at all the dynamics in

the entire 'relationship', not just from her side but also - or especially(?) - from yours.

 

Yes, of course it does. Especially if she knew that your entire 'emergency' centered around you wanting to borrow something...because that is not ever going to be a life-or-death,

actual-genuine 'emergency', is it? And, if she has an ounce of brains, she will know that. So, if you put in your messages that your 'emergency' was about borrowing something, then

she already knew that it was not a true emergency.

 

And, even if you didn't specifically mention about borrowing anything - yes, she still does have the right to put her own health and well-being as a priority over anything and everything else. Why not?

 

 

Excuse me, but how was me asking my friend for a favour deceptive? Sure, I wasn't dying, but it was an incredibly important situation and the only reason I hadn't reached out to her first is because after being blown off for so many times, I didn't think she would come through. I wasn't lying about it being super urgent. Dying is not the only emergency one could find oneself in. Or would dying be the only justifiable situation for one friend to help another? But I said to myself: ok, reach out one more time, this is the ideal situation where she could show you you are indeed her closest friend. I was afraid of the exact thing that happened: she ignored my text. I was by no means making the situation up or lying about the degree of urgency, so I don't agree with the whole deceptive/manipulative accusation.

 

Look at that - I hadn't mentioned it. So no, she didn't know if I was ill or scared or anything else. Again - it WAS an emergency, a genuine emergency. Not sure why you are being so black/white about this whole emergency thing.... I hate asking people for favours and if I do - it's because it's urgent. She knows this about me. And answering my text would have endangered her health how? She could have simply written: I am super sick, I am sorry but I can't help you. Are you ok? Can my husband walk for two minutes to your building and help?

It took her 24 hours to respond and she had no idea what kind of an emergency it was. I could have been having a panic attack, a health scare, a burglary scare, I could have been super unwell or sad. She didn't know. I live alone and million things could have been happening. So as far as me being her closest friend (her words, not mine) - it's pretty lame I would say). P.S. she is going to work tomorrow so I guess she wasn't on her deathbed after all, was she?

Edited October 10, 2018 by daisy pooh

[Ronni_W]

Excuse me, but how was me asking my friend for a favour deceptive?

You said that you knew that another friend had the thing that you wanted to borrow, but you decided to ask this friend for it, as a test.

 

To quote you verbatim, you said, "Another friend had it but I thought: Hey, let's see if she would come through."

 

If I misunderstood or misinterpreted what you were trying to convey with that, then my sincere apologies.

[BettyDraper]

You said that you knew that another friend had the thing that you wanted to borrow, but you decided to ask this friend for it, as a test.

 

To quote you verbatim, you said, "Another friend had it but I thought: Hey, let's see if she would come through."

 

If I misunderstood or misinterpreted what you were trying to convey with that, then my sincere apologies.

 

I interpreted the quote as testing as well.

 

OP, nobody is obligated to respond to your texts on the timeline which you prefer.

Illness is a very good reason to take a long time to reply to any attempts to contact someone. Remember that your friends have their own challenges which they are free to prioritize.

[stillafool]

But I said to myself: ok, reach out one more time, this is the ideal situation where she could show you you are indeed her closest friend. I was afraid of the exact thing that happened: she ignored my text.

 

I don't know why you would reach out one more time just to borrow something when she wasn't responding to you before. If you were having an emergency why didn't you call someone else since you knew she hadn't responded to you previously? I think she is ignoring your text to send a message that she will get back to you when and if she feels like it. Maybe she thinks this friendship has run it's course. It happens.

 

. P.S. she is going to work tomorrow so I guess she wasn't on her deathbed after all, was she?

 

How do you know she's going to work tomorrow if you haven't heard from her?

[stillafool]

You said that you knew that another friend had the thing that you wanted to borrow, but you decided to ask this friend for it, as a test.

 

To quote you verbatim, you said, "Another friend had it but I thought: Hey, let's see if she would come through."

 

If I misunderstood or misinterpreted what you were trying to convey with that, then my sincere apologies.

 

I guess OP's friend can see right through games.

[daisy pooh]

You said that you knew that another friend had the thing that you wanted to borrow, but you decided to ask this friend for it, as a test.

 

To quote you verbatim, you said, "Another friend had it but I thought: Hey, let's see if she would come through."

 

If I misunderstood or misinterpreted what you were trying to convey with that, then my sincere apologies.

 

No, your apologies are anything but sincere. At this point you are annoyed at me and would do anything to see me as the character you have constructed me to be. The friend who had what I needed was at least a half an hour bus ride away. My friend, the one who claims we are super close, lives two minutes away. So yes, I knew I could get on a bus, waste an hour going back and forth, or just ask this human who lives two minutes away from me and constantly insists we are super duper close - to do this little favour for me. Let's say I was testing her, how on Earth would she know that, and why is that bad? I have had doubts about our friendship and I wanted to see if she would come through. It was urgent, I did need it, and I thought I could rely on her.