Friendship with married man

[lasalsa]

My (married) coworker and (single) I get along really well. I would say we are a bit more than just coworkers, but we never meet outside work. However, our work appointments usually last well beyond the planned time (we can literally talk for hours) and we discuss all kinds of topics. We've been working together for a few years now. We've established that we like each other.

 

Over the past months he subtlety has let me know that his wife reads all his texts. He never explicitly said so, but he never answers my texts (so I hardly every text him, though he does often refer to my texts when we see each other in the office again) and he does sometimes casually mention that he had to explain his wife about texts he did receive from me (the content of texts were completely innocent, no ambiguity). For me that only makes sense if you want the other person to know your wife reads your texts. So it got me wondering why he would do that. I thought we were getting along quite well on a friendly base and I'm not sure what I need to do with this information.

It does make me feel more uncomfortable when I contact him and that makes me sad. However, I am hesitant to talk to him about this, as it might make things awkward.

[d0nnivain]

Do not talk to him about it. It was his way of telling you that he is not interested in anything other than a work acquaintanceship with you. He senses you are getting inappropriately attached & recognizes that it may be a slippery slope for him too so he's putting distance in here.

 

Stop the long after work talks. Only contact him outside of work about work matters & find a different single man to pour your heart out to.

[lasalsa]

Thank you for your reply. That could well be the case. However, we really hardly text and I certainly do not pour my heart out to him. I think in the past months I've sent him 5 texts or so. Mainly just interesting links for him. And the thing is that when we see each other he thanks me for the texts and we chat about it and he genuinely does not seem to mind receiving texts, on the contrary. That's what confuses me.

Edited October 4, 2018 by lasalsa
Spelling mistake.

[JuneL]

Thank you for your reply. That could well be the case. However, we really hardly text and I certainly do not pour my heart out to him. I think in the past months I've sent him 5 texts or so. Mainly just interesting links for him. And the thing is that when we see each other he thanks me for the texts and we chat about it and he genuinely does not seem to mind receiving texts, on the contrary. That's what confuses me.

 

I think he’s trying to explain why he never replied to your texts and perhaps trying to tell you to stop sending him more texts. He probably had to tell his wife this co-worker was annoying.

 

Do you think your relationship is getting a little too personal?

[lasalsa]

Do you think your relationship is getting a little too personal?

 

No, I don't think our relationship is getting too personal. We like to talk to each other, but I don't feel like we are crossing any lines. I do not wish to cross any lines.

 

A recent example is that I've been experimenting with 'stories' in Whatsapp to keep my friends up to date about certain stuff happening in my life. He read every single story and came up to me, telling me he really liked the updates and how it was a 'joy to read them'. But he did casually mention that he had to explain his wife how it worked, because she was asking him why this lady was sending him all those messages.

[elaine567]

As a single woman, you cannot be friends with a married man.

It doesn't work.

It is now causing ructions in his marriage and he is in effect telling you to back off.

Whether or not there are "feelings" involved, you are invading his wife's space and she will not like it one bit.

Best to find another best mate at work and leave this guy alone.

[d0nnivain]

While you know where the lines are drawn, he may fear that they are getting blurry. Respect that & you back off. You can't stop him from following you on social media but you do have control over how much you talk to him. Dial it back.

[Zapbasket]

The thing about being female and single, especially as you get older and especially if you are attractive, is that you have to be extremely careful around men and the women who love them. Texts, phone calls, late and long conversations outside the context of work or a group after-work outing, generally are a bad idea. It doesn't mean you can't be friends with a married man, but it does mean you have to do so within certain unspoken rules and it can get prickly no matter how careful you are, because people like to gossip, wives and girlfriends can be insecure beyond anything you could know about or having to do with you, and men can be less happy in their marriages than even they might admit to themselves. Those each are potential mine fields for you that you have to do your best to avoid.

 

If you want a friendship with this man, accept that it must be more of a colleague-ship. Include other co-workers in outings and after-work conversations. Don't confide much in this man, and always verbalize great respect for his relationship with his wife. Never be flirtatious, and generally, be warm and personable at work with this man, but put your energies elsewhere ESPECIALLY if you feel even remotely attracted to him.

 

Once there's even a reason for people to gossip about you possibly liking or even having a thing with this man, even if there is not a shred of truth to it, your reputation is tarnished. It sucks but it's how it is, and better to take every precaution and set firm limits than risk being seen as a threat. And if the wife or any woman does see you as a threat to her man, back down immediately, don't fight it, walk away.

[treehugger12]

His wife may keep him on a short leash, she may check the cell phone bills so maybe he's concerned about that. Texting can turn into sexting real quick, don't go down that rabbit hole. Trust me I know, been there done that.

[bathtub-row]

Imagine if you were married and your husband received random texts from a woman he works with. Your antenna would automatically go up.

 

One thing I had to learn as a single woman is that everyone thinks that if you befriend a man, you’re interested in him sexually. I’ve learned to watch my friendliness, if that makes sense. I remember once visiting with some people and I found the wife to be extremely silly and distracted. I got bored with her fast but, given the circumstances, I was stuck. She invited a relative of hers over and I began spending more time with him because I was sick to death of the woman. Since he was married and not very good looking, I figured it was a safe move on my part. Looking back on it now, I can see how it looked - that I steered away from the silly female and spent more time with her married relative. No one said anything but I thought about it later and realized what a misstep it was.

 

The truth is, whether you’re married or single, you need to be careful about friendships with men. Always take into consideration his circumstances and yours. In this case, you need to be mindful of his wife. If I were you, I’d never text the guy unless it pertained to business and couldn’t wait until the next day. You also need to be careful about getting too close to him. It’s sad but a fact - male and female friendships often lead to desire. You do not want to get involved with a married man.

[No_Go]

'Friendships' between coworkers of opposite sex are never innocent. The constant exposure makes prey-predator games extremely easy and convenient.

 

Since he mentioned another woman in his life, back off. He told you exactly what he thinks is important...

[preraph]

He was straightforward that your texts are causing him problems with his wife, so if I were you, I wouldn't text him at all. I mean, he works with you, so if they're about work, then he might feel he can't say "Stop texting me," but he said it as strongly as he could to make you understand why you shouldn't be doing it. Why not just save it for work hours and only contact when it's necessary and about work.

[pureinheart]

My (married) coworker and (single) I get along really well. I would say we are a bit more than just coworkers, but we never meet outside work. However, our work appointments usually last well beyond the planned time (we can literally talk for hours) and we discuss all kinds of topics. We've been working together for a few years now. We've established that we like each other.

 

Over the past months he subtlety has let me know that his wife reads all his texts. He never explicitly said so, but he never answers my texts (so I hardly every text him, though he does often refer to my texts when we see each other in the office again) and he does sometimes casually mention that he had to explain his wife about texts he did receive from me (the content of texts were completely innocent, no ambiguity). For me that only makes sense if you want the other person to know your wife reads your texts. So it got me wondering why he would do that. I thought we were getting along quite well on a friendly base and I'm not sure what I need to do with this information.

It does make me feel more uncomfortable when I contact him and that makes me sad. However, I am hesitant to talk to him about this, as it might make things awkward.

 

 

IDK girl, although my gut reaction in reading your post was, he's trying to let you know not to text him anything uncool... Hummm his wife checks his texts- this screams she is either very insecure or he has given reason not to trust him- both of these are not good.

[pureinheart]

'Friendships' between coworkers of opposite sex are never innocent. The constant exposure makes prey-predator games extremely easy and convenient.

 

Since he mentioned another woman in his life, back off. He told you exactly what he thinks is important...

 

Not always. I was friends with a lot of my male co-workers and there were never any problems. Their wives really liked me and I'm friends with all of them to this day.

[Malin889]

Agree with PureinHeart, I've had plenty of friendships with opposite sex co-workers that are completely innocent, that are completely just friendly. Most people know where to draw the line. It's only once in awhile that it goes further than it should.

[treehugger12]

Over the past months he subtlety has let me know that his wife reads all his texts.

 

^^^^^

 

He could easily delete any texts from you before he gets home. He chooses not to and let her read all his texts, that makes me think that she is really keeping him on a tight leash, like she is comparing them with the phone bill. I think there is a reason for that. She has seen you as a threat. He’s given her a reason to do so. Why not delete all texts before getting home?? Hes trying to let you know nicely to not let this go any further, he has already screwed up in the past and has been caught. As much as he likes you, he is treading in deep waters! You need to back off and keep it professional. I know, I have a male friend at work in this exact situation, just a little deeper then your situation.

Edited October 5, 2018 by treehugger12

[lana-banana]

Of course friendships among opposite sex co-workers is normal! Like all relationships, the key to keeping them healthy involves communication and clear boundaries. This guy is doing a great job of both. He is being as clear as possible that nothing inappropriate can happen between you and he's putting his wife first. No matter what you intended, I assume his wife isn't thrilled with a single woman texting her husband on the weekends. Since he hasn't responded and has repeatedly mentioned he shares all your texts with his wife, that's probably a clue to stop and keep your relationship fully circumscribed by the office. But that's all you need to do. You can still be friends, just be mindful of his boundaries.

Edited October 5, 2018 by lana-banana

[stillafool]

If he is just a work mate and you have a platonic relationship why would there be a problem with his wife reading your emails. If I contacted a married man friend I would have no problem with his wife reading my email because I would have nothing that needs to be hidden. I think the fact that this is bothering you means you need to find an available man to communicate with. This guy doesn't want to hide things from his wife as it should be. I can't believe you are questioning this.

[lasalsa]

If he is just a work mate and you have a platonic relationship why would there be a problem with his wife reading your emails. If I contacted a married man friend I would have no problem with his wife reading my email because I would have nothing that needs to be hidden. I think the fact that this is bothering you means you need to find an available man to communicate with. This guy doesn't want to hide things from his wife as it should be. I can't believe you are questioning this.

 

I never said I was bothered by his wife reading my TEXTS (not emails). I am CONFUSED by the mixed signals he’s giving. We are coworkers, yet he seems to want me to know his wife reads his emails, but at the same he also explicitly tells me he enjoys my texts. I don’t have anything to hide, why would I?

[preraph]

Because you work together, he feels he can't just block you or tell you to stop. And maybe he DOES enjoy it, but he also wishes he didn't have to deal with it. You need to stop texting him. If he goes to your social media without your prompting, that's his decision, but you should be staying off his and leaving him alone because like a prior poster said, he made a point of telling you. He could have just deleted the texts (and probably did after his wife saw it the first time), but he wanted to tell you so you'd stop sending them.

 

Even if he deletes them, they can be subpoenaed and obtained from the phone company. Leave this married man alone. You're being kind of self-indulgent. If you really cared anything about him, you'd respect his marriage.

[Malin889]

"It does make me feel more uncomfortable when I contact him and that makes me sad. However, I am hesitant to talk to him about this, as it might make things awkward."

 

What does this mean?