What response could she be expecting / hoping for from me?

[Zapbasket]

Back in mid-July, I finally called out a friend who had on several occasions been short and borderline-hostile with me, when there was no obvious context to produce such a reaction.

 

I was recovering from a knee surgery that left me pretty incapacitated for about 8 weeks, and she was busy with a new job and family obligations, and we hadn't been able to get together. So I decided to call her out via email, which I know is not ideal, but I tried to be as gentle as possible, referring to the stress I knew she must be under, and even said, "If there is something I have done to annoy or anger you, I hope you feel you can talk to me about it." I closed saying I didn't expect an immediate response as I knew she had a lot on her plate, but I hoped we could talk.

 

I heard not one thing from her for over a month and a half.

 

I was really surprised. When I'd said I didn't expect to hear from her right away, I thought maybe a week, tops. If she'd written a two-liner like, "Hey, I'm crazy busy right now but want to let you know I got your email and I want to talk but can't for a while. I promise I'll reach out as soon as things let up," I'd have understood.

 

But as time kept passing with nothing, I started to feel like maybe I should just let this friendship go. She'd not only been short with me, but I'd started to feel like everything was always on her terms--our get-togethers were always at her house, with her family, which was fine when we lived down the road from each other, but then I moved over thirty miles away. I felt she was bossy and lecture-y a lot, like she'd taken on a role of "mothering" me that I'd most certainly not asked for, and then I just thought that someone who would feel it was okay to be so rude as she was to me on multiple occasions, then not take the initiative to make it right, then wait over six weeks to to respond to me, maybe wasn't someone I wanted as a friend, anyway.

 

Anyway, finally I "heard" from her. I opened the door to my apartment on Friday and there were my dress pants I'd loaned her, dry-cleaned and still in the plastic. She did not knock or ring the bell or I'd have heard it. There was a card, and she'd put my name on the envelope with a heart around it, and so I got hopeful. But then this is what the card read:

 

Dearest GreenCove, I am so sorry that I hurt your feelings and made you feel unimportant. You have been a great friend and do not deserve that. I really you hope you are meeting all your goals and getting fulfillment doing so! I have no doubt that you will have a great success and find happiness. The summer is winding down but there is still plenty of time to hike and enjoy the fall. I hope your leg has healed and you can get into the mountains and enjoy. Lot's of love, ___

It seems perfectly nice on the surface, but it also reads to me a bit like an "it was nice knowing you" letter. My goals and dreams have nothing to do with anything, and she's not saying she wants to see me or talk to me. And why did she wait so, so long to reach out?

 

I'm not sure how or whether I should respond. My instinct says to just let it go but then I wonder: is that what my (ex?)-friend is expecting or hoping for? Could she be wanting me to respond asking to get together? I mean, if she feels I've been a "good friend," then why would you dump a good friend? Her husband liked me, her parents who live with her really loved me, and yes, I WAS a good friend. I thought she'd been a good friend to me, too, until it all started unraveling over the course of the summer and then ended up with her completely disappearing on me for six weeks.

 

I just would appreciate some perspective as to how, or whether, I best should respond.

Edited September 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

Given that she was bossy, lecture-y and mothery in recent times, I suspect that the two of you have been annoying each mutually and she's decided to let the friendship go.

 

No response required. Throw out the card and move on.

[Zapbasket]

Yeah, the card does sound like a write-off but I guess I'm just surprised.

 

I mean, sure, some things she was doing were frustrating to me, but I wasn't angry with her; I just thought we could have a conversation about it and gain better understanding of where we each were coming from, and maybe make a couple of concessions in our friendship. I knew she was stressed about a lot of things and in the past, if someone gets snippy with me I just excuse it away, but I've been working to uphold better boundaries and so I decided to call her out. I did so having no idea it would result in a complete dissolution of the friendship, with no discussion or even acknowledgement until this past Friday.

 

The things that were bothering me weren't enough for me to end the friendship over; I only began thinking I should let the friendship go when a month had passed and not one peep from her. I thought that was pretty sh*tty to do.

 

And honestly, though I've scoured my behaviors over the past months to see if I could uncover something I might have said or done that bothered her, I cannot find one thing. I didn't ask her for anything; I never imposed myself on her in any way; I helped her husband with a fundraiser he was organizing; I bought a whole bunch of gourmet treats for her and her family and offered help in any way I could when they experienced a small household crisis.

 

Before all this, it had seemed we were becoming closer. And then she started getting short and snippy with me, telling me to call her when I was down where she lives and then yelling at me over the phone how busy she was when I did what she asked; asking how my physical therapy for my knee was going but then not letting me answer while she vented that she has so many people counting on her she couldn't afford to get the injury I had; and it just kept escalating from there until I felt I had to say something. I tried to talk with her beforehand, too, about how stressed she was feeling, and to assure her that her family would not fall apart if she weren't 100% "on" all the time, that she could rely on friends like me to help ease her stress....

 

Sigh. I guess I just won't reply. I've thought of making some kind of acknowledgement, since there was no hostility in her note and I have a feeling if she is, indeed, shutting down this friendship, it's not so much because of ME or anything I did as it is her sense that she has no time for anything but what's easiest and requires the least of her so that she can focus on her family. But I can't think of anything I could say except to let my silence show I understand. I just hope I'm reading it all correctly so that I don't end up being the one to end the friendship when in fact what she hoped for was that I'd suggest getting together--or at minimum acknowledge her note in kind to show there are no hard feelings, something like, "Thanks for your note. I wish you a brilliant fall, too, and hope you and your parents and [husband] all are well. Love, GreenCove."

Edited September 9, 2018 by GreenCove

[JuneL]

Was she the one who took you to your knee surgery and spent the day with you to make sure you’re okay after your surgery? While I understand your frustration, true friends are those who can be there in situations like this.

[Zapbasket]

Was she the one who took you to your knee surgery and spent the day with you to make sure you’re okay after your surgery? While I understand your frustration, true friends are those who can be there in situations like this.

 

Yes, she is the same person. And I agree. True friends are also people with whom you can raise issues when they come up, and work together to resolve them, to strengthen the friendship. Which was why I decided to say something to her; I thought she was a true friend.

[JuneL]

Yes, she is the same person. And I agree. True friends are also people with whom you can raise issues when they come up, and work together to resolve them, to strengthen the friendship. Which was why I decided to say something to her; I thought she was a true friend.

 

I understand where you’re coming from. You probably should have waited until you see her in person to raise the issue. It’s not unlikely your email caught her off guard and she didn’t know how to react (and that’s why it took her a whole 6 weeks).

[Zapbasket]

I understand where you’re coming from. You probably should have waited until you see her in person to raise the issue. It’s not unlikely your email caught her off guard and she didn’t know how to react (and that’s why it took her a whole 6 weeks).

 

Yeah, I agree. That's why I want to be sure no response is really the right way to "respond" to her note to me. I really did not want to resort to email but there were a whole bunch of things going on with both of us, and we couldn't seem to cinch plans to get together. I considered just waiting, but then I felt like I wouldn't be able to bring it up. I really thought she'd either realize on her own that she'd been hostile to me and apologize on her own, so I thought when I wrote the email she'd come back with, "Holy crap! I'm soooooo sorry; I did not mean to snap at you like that and I can see how you'd feel really disrespected and I'm really sorry."

[Zapbasket]

I feel particularly sad because I'm probably moving from this area in the coming months, and I hate that this thing with this friend all could be the result of some huge misunderstanding that could so easily have been resolved if two people could have gotten together to talk. It became a big Catch-22 because one issue I was having with the friendship is that everything always involved her whole family; the only thing she ever was available for (save for that day when she took me to my surgery, which I deeply appreciated) was for me to come to her home and hang with her, her parents, and her husband. And when this conflict arose, I felt there was no place for me to safely be able to bring it up with her. I'd kept asking for us to get together one on one, but she never had the time. I really cared about this friend--and her family--and I guess as a last resort I posted here to see if there perhaps was a perspective I'd missed.

Edited September 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Discussing moderation

[JuneL]

But she did apologize to you. I also don’t think she’s trying to avoid you, as she could have bumped into you while bringing you the card and the dry cleaning stuff. You come across as someone very sensitive and she probably didn’t want to say more to hurt your feelings further. I think you’ve just “grown apart” due to circumstances.

[Zapbasket]

My being "sensitive" has nothing to do with anything.

 

You're saying you would be totally cool with a note like hers after six weeks? That's a meaningful apology to you? "Sorry you were hurt; have a nice life."

 

We didn't see each other, but she called me all the time, and that was why I felt I had to say something.

 

Now I could totally drop it, and probably forever since I'm soon moving from here. Or, I could write a short note on Messenger to her saying thanks for the note, I hope she has a great fall, too, and I'm sure there is much success to be had in her life, too. Which is just me sending empty words but that's pretty much what I felt she sent to me.

 

What I know, because things like this have happened before, is that months from now, she'll reach out, wanting to know what's up with me and what I'm doing, and I'm going to feel just as confused as her current "I'm sorry you were hurt; have a nice life" card has left me. Or she'll continue "liking" my FB posts, or I just go ahead now and unfriend her, and maybe what you're saying that I'm just not getting is that if I did that or any of those things, she'd not really care.

[JuneL]

If she’s calling you all the time, then I don’t see how she thinks you’re unimportant. When she said things that are not in a nice way, you can calmly tell her you don’t appreciate that on the spot. I think it’s better than letting things build up and feeling resentful. Actually it’s much better to talk through things on the phone than through emails or messages. In your shoes, I wouldn’t drop her as a friend completely, but realize that she’s not the kind of good/close friends who can have planned one on one meetings with you regularly. I have very good/close friends whom I speak to and confide in regularly over the phone because they don’t live close by.

 

My being "sensitive" has nothing to do with anything.

 

You're saying you would be totally cool with a note like hers after six weeks? That's a meaningful apology to you? "Sorry you were hurt; have a nice life."

 

We didn't see each other, but she called me all the time, and that was why I felt I had to say something.

 

Now I could totally drop it, and probably forever since I'm soon moving from here. Or, I could write a short note on Messenger to her saying thanks for the note, I hope she has a great fall, too, and I'm sure there is much success to be had in her life, too. Which is just me sending empty words but that's pretty much what I felt she sent to me.

 

What I know, because things like this have happened before, is that months from now, she'll reach out, wanting to know what's up with me and what I'm doing, and I'm going to feel just as confused as her current "I'm sorry you were hurt; have a nice life" card has left me. Or she'll continue "liking" my FB posts, or I just go ahead now and unfriend her, and maybe what you're saying that I'm just not getting is that if I did that or any of those things, she'd not really care.

Edited September 9, 2018 by JuneL

[FMW]

My advice? Let it go. Don't respond. If you feel satisfied that you did not do anything to merit her treatment, then there is nothing more for you to do.

 

Just as you don't feel you are being sensitive about things (your post at 12:23 today) your friend may not have felt she was treating you badly (being short or borderline-hostile). She for whatever reason has decided not to discuss the situation or salvage the friendship. She's leaving it as a casual acquaintance type of thing.

Edited September 9, 2018 by Finding my way

[Zapbasket]

I am guessing this thread isn't getting many replies because it's just so obvious this "friend" does not want to be friends with me. I don't really see her apology as an apology, so much as her wrapping up any sense of obligation she has to me by getting my pants back to me and giving the most cursory response to my email as possible.

 

And the other thread I posted about her went off the rails with people fixating on the fact that she drove me to my surgery and stayed with me the rest of the day to be sure I was okay, when what I'd been asking was whether there was some perspective I was missing about what I could expect from a friendship with someone who has her parents and husband living with her and a daughter she's putting through college, and I have...just me. I thought I was pretty sensitive always about her constraints, especially as, when I was her neighbor, I was glad to accept her last-minute invitations to come over and hang with her parents and husband and her and the only other two friends she seems really to have--one who is married to her husband's good buddy, and the other who was her husband's friend but since they all work together, she became friends with his wife, my friend, too. And all I wanted when I moved thirty miles away was maybe to negotiate a time once in a great while when maybe she could come to me, especially as with my knee surgery I was restricted for months.

 

This was the only "friend" near my age (she's seven years older) that I have been able to make in this rural town in the entire eight years I've lived here. I think I'm extra hurt by this outcome because now that's what I'll have to look back upon when I move from here in a few months. It really gives a blow to one's confidence, like, wow, I had basically zero value to this friend.

 

And now unless I decide to look like the petty one, I get to see all her happy posts on Facebook, doing things with her family. I've done everything you can do on FB BUT unfriend her (the "take a break") option, but she's on my mind so of course I look at her profile. And just to see her looking so happy when she delivered such a mound of hurt literally to my doorstep is really, really hurtful. And yeah, I know, "don't look," but it also shows up on my Instagram and we have 60 mutual friends.

 

I was a great friend to her. And she was a great friend to me. I thought great friends can express their needs and feelings to each other and be their authentic selves. I truly had no idea that just writing an email to her would completely dissolve our friendship. I loved her, and it feels like a mockery of how I felt that she'd close her card with "Lots of love" while she's also simultaneously dropping me into the "casual acquaintance" bucket. I just feel so low. Sorry to vent but I feel like crap.

Edited September 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Discussing moderation

[preraph]

If you want to try to remain friends, such as it is always at her home, which I know sucks, then answer her note and simply say, "Thanks for the note (and my pants)." This is very neutral but leaves the door open. I mean she said love and all that, so maybe she's not done with the friendship. So if you want to keep the door open, email "thanks for the note (and the pants)" and the door is open and at least if it's over, it's over gracefully.

[basil67]

I'm a big picture person, so I do tend to go back and look at the history because it always gives relevance.

 

You've mentioned your unhappiness with this friend a few times now. I don't think there is a misunderstanding. Given that she snapped at you, my guess is that she's been as frustrated with you as you are with her. I think she's aware that what you want (more one on one time) and what she wants (to involve you in family life) is not compatible.

 

Between the incompatibility of what you both want from the friendship and the rising tensions, my guess is that she feels that it's not something worth continuing.

 

I'm really sorry you've lost a friend. It sucks.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I hope I don't sound too insensitive but also keep in mind that I am kind of a loner and don't feel the need for close friendships.

 

 

I let people drift in and out of my life. If circumstances are driving us apart, then I let them. I found when women get married and especially have children, they have little in common with their single friends. They just seem obsessed with their new families and make new family friends.

 

 

I have a friend that had a baby a year ago and I barely heard from her. I called her once to check in, 2 months ago and she never returned my call (we used to be close). I just kind of understood that I am not on her list of priorities and didn't feel hurt or rejected. She messaged me today (with no apology) and asked me to meet her for lunch. I am happy to see her and hold no resentment.

 

 

 

I think your friend feels bad for hurting you but at the same time can't give you the closeness that you had in the past. She left you an ambiguous message and she will likely be ready to pick up the friendship again in the future. I would just leave her be for now.

[Zapbasket]

I hope I don't sound too insensitive but also keep in mind that I am kind of a loner and don't feel the need for close friendships.

 

Not insensitive at all--the funny thing is, I'm with you: I love people but I'm a very independent person, love to do things on my own, most people I could take or leave pretty much, and I'm really not a "get together and 'hang out'" kind of person. I don't ask for much, time-wise, from my friends. I DO ask for a lot in terms of intellect, communication skills, integrity, and maturity--and actually until recent years I didn't know I COULD ask for those things in relationships so I tolerated all kinds of crap I'd never tolerate from myself. But that's over now.

 

So, yes, in a way I DO "need" close friendships but Lord knows I've survived living where I have the past eight years with hardly any friendships at all, and I made the most of it (lots and lots of time alone in the wilderness with just me, my tent, and my fly fishing rod). It's just that while if I like someone, I do want to be "close," "close" to me does NOT mean loads of time spent together because frankly I don't like ANYONE enough for that. And this gets more and more true as I get older.

 

I let people drift in and out of my life. If circumstances are driving us apart, then I let them. I found when women get married and especially have children, they have little in common with their single friends. They just seem obsessed with their new families and make new family friends.

 

At the risk of offending some on here, I'm going to say it anyway: I have met a number of women who have families and all kinds of obligations concerning them, and they still have room and time for coffee or a hike or whatever with a friend once in a while. I'll wager that the women most vociferous about the priority of their family obligations are the least happy with their arrangement, hence having to ward off anything that threatens to "take away" from their family unit and seeing new friends in that light, rather than a way to help keep them sane WHILE they continue to prioritize their family.

 

I never begrudged this friend her time with her family. In fact, I really enjoyed spending time with her parents, who live with her, and with her husband. I think it's no coincidence that things in our friendship started to unravel when I injured my knee. I never asked this friend for any help save for a ride to and from my surgery (and yes, I gave her a $60 bottle of gin from a local distillery and offered multiple times to pay for her gas, which she refused). After that, I did not see her for eight weeks, and I know she felt bad about it. And I think that was when she started to feel like I needed something from her she could not give me--because with my injury I could not any longer drive thirty miles to hang with her family at her house, and with her various obligations she couldn't come to me. I wished she could, but understood why she couldn't, while also realizing that the whole relationship hinged on my ability to come to her, and if I couldn't, it would threaten the relationship.

 

I think she started being punchy and then hostile to me because of what she projected onto me of her own guilt that she couldn't be the friend she knew I needed due to my knee. Our last conversation, in July, on the phone, she cried to me about how she feels if she's not "on" all the time, her whole family will fall apart. I tried to tell her that's not true, that she can make some time for herself, and I told her that's what friends like me were for, to gripe to, to help her keep a balanced perspective, etc. And instead of doing that, she wrongfully added me to a list of people always wanting from her, and tossed out a friendship that might have helped her stay more sane.

 

So, yes, I'm letting her go. With love, but also with a bit of annoyance that she's so busy telling herself the world will crash if she doesn't go, go, go and cinch herself tight around her family, that she doesn't see there's a wider, healthier, overall more fun perspective--that STILL will have her family front and center.

 

But it's not my job to make her see that, and if she wants to make me out to be some needy friend she can't have in her life, so be it. I feel frustrated that all of this could have been made clear if we'd been able to talk. But we can't make people communicate who don't want to, or don't know how to.

 

I think I just want friends who know, first and foremost, how to communicate. And I want to keep working on my communication so that I can be sure to be equal to those kinds of friends.

 

I have a friend that had a baby a year ago and I barely heard from her. I called her once to check in, 2 months ago and she never returned my call (we used to be close). I just kind of understood that I am not on her list of priorities and didn't feel hurt or rejected. She messaged me today (with no apology) and asked me to meet her for lunch. I am happy to see her and hold no resentment.

 

yeah, my best friend never calls. She has two young children--a baby and a toddler. I miss her, of course, but I COMPLETELY understand. Young children are different. I also know exactly where I stand with this friend and never question my importance to her, even if we don't talk for years. We love each other and I don't think that ever will cease.

 

I think your friend feels bad for hurting you but at the same time can't give you the closeness that you had in the past. She left you an ambiguous message and she will likely be ready to pick up the friendship again in the future. I would just leave her be for now.

 

I think you are exactly right. Sadly I won't still be living here when she wants to pick up the friendship again, but maybe we'll be able to figure something out. Or not. I'm still not sure whether to respond to her or not. If I do it will be nothing more than one line thanking her for the note and the pants, wishing her and her family well, and signing it "Love, GreenCove."

 

I've deactivated my Facebook account for a bit so that I can heal up my sadness at the loss of a person I loved without having to see her life, that I'm not part of, blaring into my face. And also, more generally, because I'm friggin' sick of Facebook.

 

Sorry I wrote so much but obviously I am sad and it helps much to pour out my feelings here. Thanks for "listening."

 

Thanks, everyone, for the perspectives.

Edited September 10, 2018 by GreenCove

[JuneL]

Did you have someone close to you who could help you out during the weeks you were immobile? Did she offer to help in case you needed anything more?

[Zapbasket]

Did you have someone close to you who could help you out during the weeks you were immobile? Did she offer to help in case you needed anything more?

 

No, I didn't; and no, she didn't.

 

But I'd had this exact same injury before, five years ago, on my other knee. I knew what to expect, and I knew it would be prudent for me to expect that I would be 100% on my own after surgery. I also knew that I'd be completely immobilized for a month. So in the two weeks between when I injured myself and my surgery, I got my apartment ready, made sure I had enough groceries to last at least three weeks, made a huge pot of nutritious soup that I froze in about twenty single servings, and then I had my surgery and after that, I was on my own. And I was fine. I was prepared for the huge psychological toll it takes on a highly active person to be mostly bedridden for a month.

 

I think my friend knew I was on my own, and I think in her own convoluted thinking she then put pressure and more guilt on herself for being unable to be there for me. She called during that time, but her car broke down during that time, and so coming to see me couldn't be on offer, and I understood. But then she got a new car, and that's when I started to recognize the limited nature of the logistics of this friendship. Because she kept inviting me to come to her. And I could have tried to be a hero and come, but just getting around my apartment was hard, I was on drugs and tired all the time, and being in the car for more than ten minutes at a time left me so stiff and swollen I could barely stand on that leg (left, so luckily I could drive to PT and such, which was just a few miles away).

 

The punchiness started with her asking me chipperly, "So are you all healed up?" after the first month, and I was like, "Um, no, come on, you're familiar with this injury [common athletic injury, though she's never had it happen to her]; it's going to be about 5 months before I'm almost back to normal, and a year before I'm fully healed." Then when she heard how much PT I had to do every day, she started going off on how "only rich people" can afford this injury. And that one really hurt because I was supposed to have an outdoor job this summer as a guide, and I had to scramble to find something else after I got injured. I had to wait until I could at least walk around okay before I could start a job, and so her going off on the "only rich people" thing really got on my nerves.

 

Then, when I finally saw her in early July, when she stopped by my apartment for fifteen minutes, literally, to borrow my dress pants for a catering job she had to do, she looked at me standing at the door and said, "Your knee looks fine! It doesn't even look swollen!" I was wearing capri yoga pants so my scars weren't visible, and it was swollen, and I started to say, "Well, it still is pretty swollen; you can see it from this angle," and she cut me off with a vociferous, "I don't want to look at your knee!"

 

And it was at that point that I decided to call her out. I couldn't that moment, because she was in a rush, and then I couldn't the whole next week, because her daughter was visiting, hence why I emailed.

 

The way I see it, she turned everything around in her mind, and if we'd been able to talk, I'd have been able to say, "Hey, I understand that you could not or did not want to play nurse or take slow walks with me in the early stages of my recovery. I just don't want you to take frustrations you're having in your life out on me. You can vent TO me, just not AT me, please." But instead, a whole friendship gets bounced because people don't want to be vulnerable enough to have a talk.

 

And yeah, typing this, maybe she's not such a big loss. That said, I know that some people just don't know how to deal with longstanding injuries that leave a person incapacitated for a long time. I get it. There are only a small few who know what it would mean to just spend time with a person who can't get around like they usually do. And usually those people get it, because they've been through it themselves.

 

Anyway, sorry! Another long post. I am just still processing it all....

[JuneL]

Good that at least you were mobile between the injury and the surgery and was able to get ready for the surgery and long recovery ahead. If you don’t mind me asking, did you not have a close kin who could help take care of you at least during the first couple of weeks? I meant either s/he came to you or you went to his/her area for surgery.

Edited September 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
deleted quote

[JuneL]

p.s. If it matters, I understand what you went through My best friend had ankle surgery a few years ago, and the recovery timeline was very similar. But she became immobile right when her ankle got injured.

[Zapbasket]

Good that at least you were mobile between the injury and the surgery and was able to get ready for the surgery and long recovery ahead. If you don’t mind me asking, did you not have a close kin who could help take care of you at least during the first couple of weeks? I meant either s/he came to you or you went to his/her area for surgery.

 

No, I have no close relatives who live in this part of the US. My mom wanted to fly here but I begged her not to, because right after my surgery was mud season, and in typical years there is all kinds of unpredictable weather, from heavy rains to 6-12 inches of snow to golfball-sized hail. I couldn't help my mom and she's in her early 80s, so I couldn't risk her injuring herself and then I couldn't help her and we'd both be a mess.

 

I don't really have much family. And that's the thing: people like my friend who is the subject of this thread look at me, single, childless, with only one parent and little to no other family, and they turn into these clucking, holier-than-thou mother hens and as soon as I see it happening I fill with dread. Because then they feel like I must need mothering, or pity, and I'm like, "Dude, I'm a strong girl, stronger than you ever could be, with more internal resources than you even could envision a person having, and I do know how to take care of myself." And it follows such a predictable pattern, I'm finding: they want to "help"; they insist on it, and so in a situation like I was in I say, "Ok" as in, "Okay, I'd really appreciate if you'd take me to and from surgery," but then they start to get this martyr complex over it, not where they want to give more, but where they resent giving more, EVEN WHEN I NEVER ASKED FOR IT! And I have to chalk it up to them being narrow-minded, weak people who can't envision a woman being JUST FINE on her own. I mean, I went to an eight-week summer sleepaway camp when I was eight and I was not homesick ONCE. I loved the adventure. I'm the same way now except, yeah, I'm not characterologically designed to be a hermit, so I've been SO FREAKING LONELY where I live and it has gotten to the point where much as I love being out in nature where I BELONG, I'm determined to move from here a.s.a.p. so that I can finally once again have some freaking friends.

[Zapbasket]

p.s. If it matters, I understand what you went through My best friend had ankle surgery a few years ago, and the recovery timeline was very similar. But she became immobile right when her ankle got injured.

 

It matters! Injuries and illnesses can be so isolating. Even well-meaning friends often don't understand. I probably wouldn't understand, either, were it not for these two knee surgeries.

 

It was ACL ligament reconstructive surgery, by the way. The ACL is the main stabilizing ligament in the knee, that basically keeps your tibia from sliding out from under the femur. When it's torn, unlike the lateral knee ligaments, the MCL and LCL, it doesn't repair itself. You have to either take a tendon from your hamstring or patella, or you have to get a cadaver tendon, and the new tendon has to be inserted into the joint, screwed into the bone, and then takes about a year to undergo all the cellular changes to become a true ligament. The graft is very weak during that time, and susceptible to re-tearing. If you don't have that surgery, you're relying solely on your leg muscles to maintain the stability of the joint, which is why after the swelling went down after my injury I could walk but not much else. Any kind of sport requires more joint stability than the leg muscles alone can offer. You know your ACL is torn because you can FEEL your tibia sub-lux out from the track of your femur (and the leg can't hold you up).

 

More than you wanted to know, I'm sure, but it's so nice to know someone understands. It sucks when people can't understand why, after three or four months, I still can't hike downhill, for instance. Makes me feel like an invalid, when in fact it's just part of the normal process.

 

Anyway, thanks for your compassion. I hate to lose a friend, but maybe the friendship always was going to be pretty limited, in ways beyond just her family obligations.

[JuneL]

Not trying to be nosy, but did you consider flying to your mother’s for the surgery then?

 

No, I have no close relatives who live in this part of the US. My mom wanted to fly here but I begged her not to, because right after my surgery was mud season, and in typical years there is all kinds of unpredictable weather, from heavy rains to 6-12 inches of snow to golfball-sized hail. I couldn't help my mom and she's in her early 80s, so I couldn't risk her injuring herself and then I couldn't help her and we'd both be a mess.

 

I don't really have much family. And that's the thing: people like my friend who is the subject of this thread look at me, single, childless, with only one parent and little to no other family, and they turn into these clucking, holier-than-thou mother hens and as soon as I see it happening I fill with dread. Because then they feel like I must need mothering, or pity, and I'm like, "Dude, I'm a strong girl, stronger than you ever could be, with more internal resources than you even could envision a person having, and I do know how to take care of myself." And it follows such a predictable pattern, I'm finding: they want to "help"; they insist on it, and so in a situation like I was in I say, "Ok" as in, "Okay, I'd really appreciate if you'd take me to and from surgery," but then they start to get this martyr complex over it, not where they want to give more, but where they resent giving more, EVEN WHEN I NEVER ASKED FOR IT! And I have to chalk it up to them being narrow-minded, weak people who can't envision a woman being JUST FINE on her own. I mean, I went to an eight-week summer sleepaway camp when I was eight and I was not homesick ONCE. I loved the adventure. I'm the same way now except, yeah, I'm not characterologically designed to be a hermit, so I've been SO FREAKING LONELY where I live and it has gotten to the point where much as I love being out in nature where I BELONG, I'm determined to move from here a.s.a.p. so that I can finally once again have some freaking friends.

[Zapbasket]

Not trying to be nosy, but did you consider flying to your mother’s for the surgery then?

 

Noooooo. Where I live has some of the best orthopedics in the country. If anything, when my mom needed a hip replacement, I wanted her to come HERE. I wouldn't consider having this surgery anywhere else save for a comparable or even better, if possible, ortho center.

 

This injury is not uncommon where I live, and that makes it easier. Two weeks after surgery, as soon as I could rid myself of the crutches, I went for a walk on a flat trail by my house. I was even slower than the old folks, but it wasn't just they who smiled at me knowingly, it was pretty much everyone else who saw the humongous knee brace and knew what was likely going on. That was GREAT for my spirits.