Struggling with my best friend

[jinnie]

Hi,

 

This may be quite long, so I apologise in advance. So, my best friend and I have been friends for nearly our whole lives. For a few years now, she's had some mental health issues, including depression, which I am aware of. She's had many depressive episodes and I've always been there for her to talk to her, comfort, etc. and we've always gone back to talking and hanging out normally. We used to be inseparable; always hanging out and messaging each other. However, she's lately become a lot more distant. She recently completely withdrew from our friendship group and when I asked her what was up she didn't seem to want to talk about it, so I left it. Our whole group (including her) hung out a couple days later and everything seemed fine but the next day she completely withdrew again and this time I didn't do anything assuming she wanted to be left alone like last time. A few days later I asked how she was feeling and, to cut it short, she indicated she wouldn't hang around us anymore but blamed herself but basically saying nobody would care if she wasn't hanging out with us. I tried to tell her how wrong she was but she didn't seem to understand (I am aware that these feelings are a symptom of depression, but she's never withdrawn from me this much before). The last message I sent her was me telling her I would still invite her if the group hung out again and asked if we could still stay friends, just because the two us were closer than she was to some others in the group. She didn't reply to this message and we haven't spoken since. Well, our group is hanging out again soon and I'd like to invite her but honestly feel a bit awkward messaging her. From her ignoring my message she seems uninterested but I would feel guilty as I said I would invite her to hangouts (and I meant it when I said it). Should I invite her? It also hurts seeing that she still hangs out with her boyfriend who she's only been with a couple months but can't seem to believe me when I tell her that I love her and want her around, which I've shown through being with her all these years. I do miss her but get the feeling she isn't really bothered about me, idk :/ Sorry for the long post and I appreciate any advice

[Popeye_Jones]

Still continue to invite her. I know it can feel awkward messaging someone yet again after they didn't respond to previous messages. But, you could word it something like "sorry for the multiple messages. I just want to make sure you are alright, because it worries me when you don't respond" And also remind her again of the invite. Having said that, this depression stuff is a slippery slope. When it comes to dealing with someone who has depression, I have been there and done that. I actually have depression myself, although, I must have a milder case of it than most people, because I may withdraw some here and there, but, I NEVER leave anyone hanging. If someone messages me when I am down, I at least tell them that I am just having a tough time at the moment, and it's nothing personal, but I just need to be alone.

 

Apparently, people with more severe cases just don't give a rip (for lack of a better term) when they go into one of their episodes. I have a dear friend who has severe depression. I thought I could get down and depressed. She makes me look like a sunshine pumping Care Bear. Her episodes go on for MONTHS at a time. I have been supportive and have been there for her through thick and thin, but lately, I am just about ready to throw my hands up. I know that she largely can't help it, but we are going on 4 months since this latest episode began. As insensitive as this sounds, even the most loving and patient of friends eventually grow tired of depressive episodes. Especially when they drag on and on and on with no real ending in sight. That was a bit of a sidetrack about my own experiences.

 

Also, something else that you may want to consider is, just telling her straight up that while you miss her terribly, it seems that she does not feel the same. It seems as if she could go right on with her life and never miss you the way you miss her, and that bothers you very much. Let her know how much it hurts, because she needs to hear that. One thing about depressed people is that others seem to give them too much leeway. Depression is not an excuse to treat people badly. I know that there are a lot of things that people with depression can't help, but there are some things that they can. And that is one of them. Anyway, I hope this helps.

[glows]

Leave her alone.

Until she acknowledges she has a problem, it's not your problem to worry about her. I'm being harsh but she needs to sort her life out and you hitting yourself against a brick wall is useless. If she has no other support network and you are minors, you can let her parents or guardians or teachers know about her behaviour. It's likely they already know about her episodes and your friendship will suffer. She's obviously not getting the treatment she needs or she's not on her meds.

 

Popeye said it best in one line above: Depression is NOT an excuse to treat people badly.

 

Quite frankly you and everyone else in your friends' circle doesn't deserve that, don't gossip about her behind her back, remain respectful of her absence and in her absence and move on with your lives.

[preraph]

One of the key features of depression is you will isolate yourself, but you say she sees her boyfriend, so not sure what is up. I mean, you do know there are a lot of fickle women who will abandon their old friends as soon as they get a boyfriend, right? I hate that women do it, but a lot of them do it. Then they come crying when they break up.

 

Now, the other reason I have seen a woman withdraw from friends is when a relationship became abusive and they decided to be secretive about it and just avoided their friends.

[d0nnivain]

Would you write her off if she had cancer? Of course not. Depression is a disease. Invite her. If she shows up, be nice to her. If she doesn't come be understanding.

 

I went through a period of severe depression for about 5 years. Many fair weather friends dropped me. I wasn't pulling my weight in the relationships but I was too sick. My real friends kept reaching out & they understood when I was slow or non-responsive.

[preraph]

I agree to keep inviting her. Also, you might ask if there's anything you can do for her from time to time.

[jinnie]

I went through a period of severe depression for about 5 years. Many fair weather friends dropped me. I wasn't pulling my weight in the relationships but I was too sick. My real friends kept reaching out & they understood when I was slow or non-responsive.

 

Do you maybe have an idea as to why she continues to hang out with her boyfriend regularly but when I try to reach out it’s as though she couldn’t care less about our friendship? I understand people with depression isolate themselves but it puts me off inviting her when I see that she’s seemingly only isolating herself from us. Plus she posts a lot on social media and seems like she’s fine without us. :/ I’m aware I sound selfish but I’m trying to figure this out all on my own.

[jinnie]

Would you write her off if she had cancer? Of course not. Depression is a disease. Invite her. If she shows up, be nice to her. If she doesn't come be understanding.

 

I went through a period of severe depression for about 5 years. Many fair weather friends dropped me. I wasn't pulling my weight in the relationships but I was too sick. My real friends kept reaching out & they understood when I was slow or non-responsive.

 

Do you maybe have an idea as to why she continues to hang out with her boyfriend regularly but when I try to reach out it’s as though she couldn’t care less about our friendship? I understand people with depression isolate themselves but it puts me off inviting her when I see that she’s seemingly only isolating herself from us. Plus she posts a lot on social media and seems like she’s fine without us. :/ I’m aware I sound selfish but I’m trying to figure this out all on my own. (sorry, I think I quoted it wrong the first time, this is my first time on this website)

[d0nnivain]

I still hung out with my husband. On some level it made it easier for me. He didn't push when I couldn't or wouldn't go out. When he did push I went out of obligation. My relationship with him was important to me so I tried. When you don't have a lot of reserves, you can only make 1 person a priority Here the BF may be "winning." It really doesn't mean she doesn't care but just that she doesn't have the energy.

 

All I'm saying is keep inviting her. That's a few key strokes to add her to the group invite. You don't' have to expend energy trying to fix her

[jinnie]

I still hung out with my husband. On some level it made it easier for me. He didn't push when I couldn't or wouldn't go out. When he did push I went out of obligation. My relationship with him was important to me so I tried. When you don't have a lot of reserves, you can only make 1 person a priority Here the BF may be "winning." It really doesn't mean she doesn't care but just that she doesn't have the energy.

 

All I'm saying is keep inviting her. That's a few key strokes to add her to the group invite. You don't' have to expend energy trying to fix her

 

I understand, thank you for your advice

[Popeye_Jones]

Do you maybe have an idea as to why she continues to hang out with her boyfriend regularly but when I try to reach out it’s as though she couldn’t care less about our friendship? I understand people with depression isolate themselves but it puts me off inviting her when I see that she’s seemingly only isolating herself from us. Plus she posts a lot on social media and seems like she’s fine without us.

 

Just speaking personally, this is where I draw the line with depressed people. As I said earlier, I have depression myself, but I suppose that I must have a much milder case of it, because even at my worst, I never ignore my friends or leave them hanging. I always make sure that they at least have an answer as to why I am isolated at that moment. And my depression is not selective, as seems to be the case with many people. What your friend is doing is WRONG. She is an example of someone who has what I call "selective depression", meaning that only certain people are subjected to it. She has isolated herself from you and your friends and is treating you all like garbage, while hanging with her boyfriend and in all honestly, is probably acting all sunshine and rainbows around him. And, let's be real here, he is probably not the only one she is hanging with either. It is very possible that she has other people she is having a good old time with. People that you and your friends have no idea about.

 

There is no worse punch in the gut, than when you hear someone tell you "I have no idea what you are even talking about because so and so has not been acting any differently towards me. She talks to me just as much as she ever did". All the while they have been telling you that they have "hit rock bottom" and "have not been talking to anybody". When the truth is, they have been talking to anyone, except you. And it makes you feel stupid. Like you have been played for a fool by them. Selective depression at it's best. So, some people will actually hide behind their depression. And sadly, some of them are the most low down, cold hearted snakes in the grass out there.

Edited August 24, 2018 by Popeye_Jones