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Friends Who Cheat...


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Old 12th August 2018, 6:01 PM   #1
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Friends Who Cheat...

A former friend of mine disclosed her affair to me. I was disturbed by her lack of remorse; she told me that she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. My former friend also admitted that her husband is a very good man. she just had contempt for him because he isn't as intelligent and educated as she was. The final straw was when my friend expected me to hang out with she and her husband after telling me about her affair. I didn't know my friend's husband very well but he was a friendly and kind man who was a devoted father. He didn't deserve to be deceived. I also found it hard to trust someone who could be so cavalier about cheating on her spouse; a person like that could easily stab me in the back. I decided to end the friendship.

I take a hard line against infidelity. Many of the husbands in my family were cheaters and I saw the damage which was a result of their actions. While I sympathize with those in unhappy marriage, I don't feel that infidelity is a healthy way to handle marital issues. In fact, cheating often causes even more problems.

Do you have friends who have affairs? Do their actions affect your friendship?
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Old 12th August 2018, 6:08 PM   #2
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I have a friend who had an affair. She ended the marriage, and she is now with her affair partner.

It has been a few years, there is some water under the bridge... We are still friends, but she now lives in another city so I don't see her often. I'm somewhat glad about this.

I had a really hard time when it first happened, because I had known her husband since we were very young. My heart broke for her husband and the kids. We didn't talk about her affair partner for a long time... My questions were often "how is your husband doing?" I couldn't have stayed friends with her if they were married and I knew that she was betraying her husband. I would have done the same thing...
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Old 12th August 2018, 6:11 PM   #3
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I had an affair many years ago and disclosed it to a friend. I didn't hear from her again. I completely understand and accept her decision.
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Old 12th August 2018, 6:19 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
I have a friend who had an affair. She ended the marriage, and she is now with her affair partner.

It has been a few years, there is some water under the bridge... We are still friends, but she now lives in another city so I don't see her often. I'm somewhat glad about this.

I had a really hard time when it first happened, because I had known her husband since we were very young. My heart broke for her husband and the kids. We didn't talk about her affair partner for a long time... My questions were often "how is your husband doing?" I couldn't have stayed friends with her if they were married and I knew that she was betraying her husband. I would have done the same thing...
I'm glad that you understand how I feel. Some would say that I am too judgemental. Maybe I am but there are some choices that I simply cannot abide.

There are so many great women who are unhappy about being single and they would kill to have the life that my former friend has! She lives in a brand new home, she has a beautiful daughter, and a loving husband. My former friends behavior comes across as ungrateful and spoiled. She says that her husband is "not smart" but my friend can't be very bright if she married someone like that and then cheated on him.
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Old 12th August 2018, 6:21 PM   #5
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I think there is a difference between disclosing an affair while/after coming clean and ending the marriage (whether the affair partners stay together or not) and ...

disclosing an affair and then expecting that person to attend functions with the husband who is being unknowingly betrayed.

In the first case, I have tried to follow the "to each their own" philosophy and remember that I am neither judge nor jury... I've just put a bit more distance in the relationship. While in the other example, the woman is asking her friend to be complicit in lying to her her husband, I couldn't do that.
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Old 12th August 2018, 7:15 PM   #6
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I think there is a difference between disclosing an affair while/after coming clean and ending the marriage (whether the affair partners stay together or not) and ...

disclosing an affair and then expecting that person to attend functions with the husband who is being unknowingly betrayed.

In the first case, I have tried to follow the "to each their own" philosophy and remember that I am neither judge nor jury... I've just put a bit more distance in the relationship. While in the other example, the woman is asking her friend to be complicit in lying to her her husband, I couldn't do that.
Absolutely. I refuse to be complicit but I would have respected my friend if she confessed her affair.

Expecting me to participate in her lies is not a kind way to treat a friend.
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Old 12th August 2018, 7:16 PM   #7
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I guess I don't and can never understand how and why people cheat in the first place. Having your cake and eating it too? Really? Isn't "having your cake and eating it too" having a great husband who loves you and would do anything for you? Don't they know how selfish they're being?
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Old 12th August 2018, 7:25 PM   #8
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1) Do you have friends who have affairs?

Yes, more in my past, though.

2) Do their actions affect your friendship?

No. Theyíre my friends. Iím not here to judge them, Iím here to love them. If they want advice, theyíll get it from me. If they need a listening ear, they get that as well. Iím not a black and white thinker, and the better I know people, the more it becomes obvious that itís not a black/white world out there. It doesnít work for most people, despite their initial intentions, or their ideal life plans.

Iíve been harshly judged for my own A myself, and I know what that feels like, and Iíve also lost a few friends. It is what it is.
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Old 12th August 2018, 8:55 PM   #9
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Just think, if you kept her around and then you got married, she'd probably be trying to have an affair with your husband or even a bf, so you did the right thing.

I have a friend who is long distance who has a husband who has been struggling with spine cancer for years -- only transfusions and loads of cash have kept him going. She is an emotional mess who has been diagnosed narcissistic and bipolar, so he was a saint for staying with her all these years. Then she starts calling me wanting to have girl talk about some handyman she's having sex with right under his nose. I was disgusted. And then she started asking about one of my old bfs, and that was the final straw. I knew she was trolling for both sex and money. I've been friends with her for decades and am one of her closest friends though we never see each other. I just know her real well. I feel like if she gets in trouble mentally or something and has no one to help, maybe I would, but right now, I don't need the chaos.
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Old 12th August 2018, 9:48 PM   #10
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Yes, I have a friend who is now an acquaintance who told me he was thinking about having an affair. And, yes, it affected our friendship (i.e. dropped from friend to acquaintance) because I told him to get his sh-t together and it upset him. But, he should've known better than to confide in me about it as my marriage ended because my ex had an affair. He saw, first hand, what a mess it caused and he shouldn't have expected any other answer out of me.



I know that he's gone through some rough times in his marriage and that I don't care for his wife. I've never openly complained about her (I've told him to fix his marriage..) but he knows I don't care for her because I won't spend time with her. With that being said, he's passive aggressive and doesn't address the issues at home with his wife. He just wants to whine about her and then sleep with other women. I don't need that kind of crap on my life.
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Old 13th August 2018, 9:51 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Artdeco View Post
1) Do you have friends who have affairs?

Yes, more in my past, though.

2) Do their actions affect your friendship?

No. Theyíre my friends. Iím not here to judge them, Iím here to love them. If they want advice, theyíll get it from me. If they need a listening ear, they get that as well. Iím not a black and white thinker, and the better I know people, the more it becomes obvious that itís not a black/white world out there. It doesnít work for most people, despite their initial intentions, or their ideal life plans.

Iíve been harshly judged for my own A myself, and I know what that feels like, and Iíve also lost a few friends. It is what it is.

It makes sense that you didnít judge your friends for cheating if you did the same thing. That would be hypocritical.

I agree that life is not black and white but thereís nothing good about infidelity.
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Old 13th August 2018, 9:54 AM   #12
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Just think, if you kept her around and then you got married, she'd probably be trying to have an affair with your husband or even a bf, so you did the right thing.

I have a friend who is long distance who has a husband who has been struggling with spine cancer for years -- only transfusions and loads of cash have kept him going. She is an emotional mess who has been diagnosed narcissistic and bipolar, so he was a saint for staying with her all these years. Then she starts calling me wanting to have girl talk about some handyman she's having sex with right under his nose. I was disgusted. And then she started asking about one of my old bfs, and that was the final straw. I knew she was trolling for both sex and money. I've been friends with her for decades and am one of her closest friends though we never see each other. I just know her real well. I feel like if she gets in trouble mentally or something and has no one to help, maybe I would, but right now, I don't need the chaos.
Iím married and youíre absolutely right. I just canít trust someone who thinks itís okay to break marriage vows.

I stay away from drama in my daily life so I donít blame you.
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Old 13th August 2018, 10:22 AM   #13
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I guess I don't and can never understand how and why people cheat in the first place. Having your cake and eating it too? Really? Isn't "having your cake and eating it too" having a great husband who loves you and would do anything for you? Don't they know how selfish they're being?
Some are aware of their selfishness but they are so amoral that it doesn't bother them.
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Old 13th August 2018, 11:20 AM   #14
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Yes. One of my best friends left his wife for his secretary. At first I remained in the friendship even though it was very awkward. Soon after I found out about my wife's past affair, and I cut this friend off. I haven't heard from him in 10 years.
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Old 14th August 2018, 8:12 PM   #15
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Iím married and youíre absolutely right. I just canít trust someone who thinks itís okay to break marriage vows.

I stay away from drama in my daily life so I donít blame you.
Itís good to stay away from drama & no one has to hang out with someone they donít want to but I believe those who judge always end up circuming to judgement themselves. Meaning donít get upset when someone judges you & crosses you out of their life bc they donít like your choices...bc i donít care how righteous someone thinks they are, there will always be another that thinks your choices are just as poor in morality.

So as long as youíd be ok with someone not hanging with you bc of any choice they donít agree with...then itís fine.
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