Friends Who Cheat...

[BettyDraper]

A former friend of mine disclosed her affair to me. I was disturbed by her lack of remorse; she told me that she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. My former friend also admitted that her husband is a very good man. she just had contempt for him because he isn't as intelligent and educated as she was. The final straw was when my friend expected me to hang out with she and her husband after telling me about her affair. I didn't know my friend's husband very well but he was a friendly and kind man who was a devoted father. He didn't deserve to be deceived. I also found it hard to trust someone who could be so cavalier about cheating on her spouse; a person like that could easily stab me in the back. I decided to end the friendship.

 

I take a hard line against infidelity. Many of the husbands in my family were cheaters and I saw the damage which was a result of their actions. While I sympathize with those in unhappy marriage, I don't feel that infidelity is a healthy way to handle marital issues. In fact, cheating often causes even more problems.

 

Do you have friends who have affairs? Do their actions affect your friendship?

[BaileyB]

I have a friend who had an affair. She ended the marriage, and she is now with her affair partner.

 

It has been a few years, there is some water under the bridge... We are still friends, but she now lives in another city so I don't see her often. I'm somewhat glad about this.

 

I had a really hard time when it first happened, because I had known her husband since we were very young. My heart broke for her husband and the kids. We didn't talk about her affair partner for a long time... My questions were often "how is your husband doing?" I couldn't have stayed friends with her if they were married and I knew that she was betraying her husband. I would have done the same thing...

[basil67]

I had an affair many years ago and disclosed it to a friend. I didn't hear from her again. I completely understand and accept her decision.

[BettyDraper]

I have a friend who had an affair. She ended the marriage, and she is now with her affair partner.

 

It has been a few years, there is some water under the bridge... We are still friends, but she now lives in another city so I don't see her often. I'm somewhat glad about this.

 

I had a really hard time when it first happened, because I had known her husband since we were very young. My heart broke for her husband and the kids. We didn't talk about her affair partner for a long time... My questions were often "how is your husband doing?" I couldn't have stayed friends with her if they were married and I knew that she was betraying her husband. I would have done the same thing...

 

I'm glad that you understand how I feel. Some would say that I am too judgemental. Maybe I am but there are some choices that I simply cannot abide.

 

There are so many great women who are unhappy about being single and they would kill to have the life that my former friend has! She lives in a brand new home, she has a beautiful daughter, and a loving husband. My former friends behavior comes across as ungrateful and spoiled. She says that her husband is "not smart" but my friend can't be very bright if she married someone like that and then cheated on him.

[BaileyB]

I think there is a difference between disclosing an affair while/after coming clean and ending the marriage (whether the affair partners stay together or not) and ...

 

disclosing an affair and then expecting that person to attend functions with the husband who is being unknowingly betrayed.

 

In the first case, I have tried to follow the "to each their own" philosophy and remember that I am neither judge nor jury... I've just put a bit more distance in the relationship. While in the other example, the woman is asking her friend to be complicit in lying to her her husband, I couldn't do that.

[BettyDraper]

I think there is a difference between disclosing an affair while/after coming clean and ending the marriage (whether the affair partners stay together or not) and ...

 

disclosing an affair and then expecting that person to attend functions with the husband who is being unknowingly betrayed.

 

In the first case, I have tried to follow the "to each their own" philosophy and remember that I am neither judge nor jury... I've just put a bit more distance in the relationship. While in the other example, the woman is asking her friend to be complicit in lying to her her husband, I couldn't do that.

 

Absolutely. I refuse to be complicit but I would have respected my friend if she confessed her affair.

 

Expecting me to participate in her lies is not a kind way to treat a friend.

[Malin889]

I guess I don't and can never understand how and why people cheat in the first place. Having your cake and eating it too? Really? Isn't "having your cake and eating it too" having a great husband who loves you and would do anything for you? Don't they know how selfish they're being?

[Artdeco]

1) Do you have friends who have affairs?

 

Yes, more in my past, though.

 

2) Do their actions affect your friendship?

 

No. They’re my friends. I’m not here to judge them, I’m here to love them. If they want advice, they’ll get it from me. If they need a listening ear, they get that as well. I’m not a black and white thinker, and the better I know people, the more it becomes obvious that it’s not a black/white world out there. It doesn’t work for most people, despite their initial intentions, or their ideal life plans.

 

I’ve been harshly judged for my own A myself, and I know what that feels like, and I’ve also lost a few friends. It is what it is.

[preraph]

Just think, if you kept her around and then you got married, she'd probably be trying to have an affair with your husband or even a bf, so you did the right thing.

 

I have a friend who is long distance who has a husband who has been struggling with spine cancer for years -- only transfusions and loads of cash have kept him going. She is an emotional mess who has been diagnosed narcissistic and bipolar, so he was a saint for staying with her all these years. Then she starts calling me wanting to have girl talk about some handyman she's having sex with right under his nose. I was disgusted. And then she started asking about one of my old bfs, and that was the final straw. I knew she was trolling for both sex and money. I've been friends with her for decades and am one of her closest friends though we never see each other. I just know her real well. I feel like if she gets in trouble mentally or something and has no one to help, maybe I would, but right now, I don't need the chaos.

[OatsAndHall]

Yes, I have a friend who is now an acquaintance who told me he was thinking about having an affair. And, yes, it affected our friendship (i.e. dropped from friend to acquaintance) because I told him to get his sh-t together and it upset him. But, he should've known better than to confide in me about it as my marriage ended because my ex had an affair. He saw, first hand, what a mess it caused and he shouldn't have expected any other answer out of me.

 

 

 

I know that he's gone through some rough times in his marriage and that I don't care for his wife. I've never openly complained about her (I've told him to fix his marriage..) but he knows I don't care for her because I won't spend time with her. With that being said, he's passive aggressive and doesn't address the issues at home with his wife. He just wants to whine about her and then sleep with other women. I don't need that kind of crap on my life.

[BettyDraper]

1) Do you have friends who have affairs?

 

Yes, more in my past, though.

 

2) Do their actions affect your friendship?

 

No. They’re my friends. I’m not here to judge them, I’m here to love them. If they want advice, they’ll get it from me. If they need a listening ear, they get that as well. I’m not a black and white thinker, and the better I know people, the more it becomes obvious that it’s not a black/white world out there. It doesn’t work for most people, despite their initial intentions, or their ideal life plans.

 

I’ve been harshly judged for my own A myself, and I know what that feels like, and I’ve also lost a few friends. It is what it is.

 

 

It makes sense that you didn’t judge your friends for cheating if you did the same thing. That would be hypocritical.

 

I agree that life is not black and white but there’s nothing good about infidelity.

[BettyDraper]

Just think, if you kept her around and then you got married, she'd probably be trying to have an affair with your husband or even a bf, so you did the right thing.

 

I have a friend who is long distance who has a husband who has been struggling with spine cancer for years -- only transfusions and loads of cash have kept him going. She is an emotional mess who has been diagnosed narcissistic and bipolar, so he was a saint for staying with her all these years. Then she starts calling me wanting to have girl talk about some handyman she's having sex with right under his nose. I was disgusted. And then she started asking about one of my old bfs, and that was the final straw. I knew she was trolling for both sex and money. I've been friends with her for decades and am one of her closest friends though we never see each other. I just know her real well. I feel like if she gets in trouble mentally or something and has no one to help, maybe I would, but right now, I don't need the chaos.

 

I’m married and you’re absolutely right. I just can’t trust someone who thinks it’s okay to break marriage vows.

 

I stay away from drama in my daily life so I don’t blame you.

[BettyDraper]

I guess I don't and can never understand how and why people cheat in the first place. Having your cake and eating it too? Really? Isn't "having your cake and eating it too" having a great husband who loves you and would do anything for you? Don't they know how selfish they're being?

 

Some are aware of their selfishness but they are so amoral that it doesn't bother them.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Yes. One of my best friends left his wife for his secretary. At first I remained in the friendship even though it was very awkward. Soon after I found out about my wife's past affair, and I cut this friend off. I haven't heard from him in 10 years.

[Whoknew30]

I’m married and you’re absolutely right. I just can’t trust someone who thinks it’s okay to break marriage vows.

 

I stay away from drama in my daily life so I don’t blame you.

 

It’s good to stay away from drama & no one has to hang out with someone they don’t want to but I believe those who judge always end up circuming to judgement themselves. Meaning don’t get upset when someone judges you & crosses you out of their life bc they don’t like your choices...bc i don’t care how righteous someone thinks they are, there will always be another that thinks your choices are just as poor in morality.

 

So as long as you’d be ok with someone not hanging with you bc of any choice they don’t agree with...then it’s fine.

[Leigh 87]

Yes but she was 18 and 19, she felt guilty and told her ex about it.

 

Your brain is not fully programmed at that age, plus the ex was more immoral than she was for other reasons.

 

She has gone on to be super loyal and would never cheat again now that she is of age.

 

I have a male acquaintance who cheats. He hinted at it by telling me he was in a loveless marriage and that he would be down for cheating with me:rolleyes:

 

He has four kids with her and is a good father and nice to his wife; he feels trapped because of the kids, they got together as FWB and she fell pregnant by accident so he has felt the need to stay with her for that reason alone and feels he has no choice. He is an engineer but cannot afford to break up his family - he cannot afford to put her and the kids up in another house whilst also paying for his own rent and child support, plus he does not want to see his kids part time.

 

Neither person mentioned above is a bad person.

 

I would not wish to be around "friends" who carried out affairs in certain ways such as bragging or flippantly carrying them out such as the wanting to eat their cake too sh*t... Yuck:sick: