Gaeta Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 I spoke about her a few times on here. She is in a highly toxic relationship since 4 years ago. He disrespects her, cheats, uses drugs, neglect his kids, and the latest he got fired from his job of 30 years for sexually harassing a woman. My friend is still with him, believing his every words of excuse, she says she is confused and doesn't know what to do, she is angry at that woman for getting him to lose his job MORE than she is mad at him for again cheating in her back. Anyway, I don't know if I did right as a friend? I told her I hated him and what he does to her and I live with constant anger inside of me and it needed to stop.That if it takes her 1 year, or 2 or 5 to get rid of him I will be there then for her and it's a promise. I am really sad but I have been listening to all that abuse for 4 years. Even my boyfriend told me each time her name comes up in a conversation I get in a state of anger for hours. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 you did the right thing Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 What was her reaction? I probably would have tried just distancing myself a bit from her and telling her that discussion of her marriage was off limits until she did something about it. But - You have to make decisions based on what's best for you. If your anger related to her bad relationship was intense enough to be affecting you strongly, then maybe you felt you had no choice. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 What was her reaction? I probably would have tried just distancing myself a bit from her and telling her that discussion of her marriage was off limits until she did something about it. But - Sounds like her friend needs more of a push than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 6, 2018 Author Share Posted August 6, 2018 What was her reaction? We were skyping, she just said Ok and logged out. I probably would have tried just distancing myself a bit from her and telling her that discussion of her marriage was off limits until she did something about it. But I tried to distance myself from it but to me pretending all is cool and never asking her how's her life isn't being a friend. Friends confine the good and the bad in each other, her bad took up the whole place in our friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 Then it sounds like you made the right decision. You tried and did your best. I know it's hard, but try to make peace with it. I recently ended a long friendship, for different reasons, but it's still hard to not question ourselves. I think the problem would be if we were able to end them without a second thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 6, 2018 Author Share Posted August 6, 2018 By the way they're not married and don't have children together. They're bf/gf that moved in together 4 years ago. They are both 52. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 It's disappointing when friends go love blind and throw out all their common sense and boundaries. I've certainly seen it happen a number of times and it bothers me too. Some people just want a relationship bad enough to try to pretend they're alright when they're not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 You did the right thing for you. I believe you when you say you will be there when she kicks him to the curb. Peace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 By the way they're not married and don't have children together. They're bf/gf that moved in together 4 years ago. They are both 52. Get better friends. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 I understand she's in a terrible relationship, but why did you tell her you hate him etc? I mean it is her life in the end, she sees him day and night, so there is probably more to the story than what's on the surface. Even if he's a monster - it's her choice who she is with, right? I personally dislike the partners of some of my friends but unless they are somehow threatening me, I'd not lose our friendship over this and/or interfere... (I might interfere only if i suspect physical abuse) I spoke about her a few times on here. She is in a highly toxic relationship since 4 years ago. He disrespects her, cheats, uses drugs, neglect his kids, and the latest he got fired from his job of 30 years for sexually harassing a woman. My friend is still with him, believing his every words of excuse, she says she is confused and doesn't know what to do, she is angry at that woman for getting him to lose his job MORE than she is mad at him for again cheating in her back. Anyway, I don't know if I did right as a friend? I told her I hated him and what he does to her and I live with constant anger inside of me and it needed to stop.That if it takes her 1 year, or 2 or 5 to get rid of him I will be there then for her and it's a promise. I am really sad but I have been listening to all that abuse for 4 years. Even my boyfriend told me each time her name comes up in a conversation I get in a state of anger for hours. . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 7, 2018 Author Share Posted August 7, 2018 I understand she's in a terrible relationship, but why did you tell her you hate him etc? Because I do hate him for all the things he said to her and did to her. I cannot be insensitive to things he said to her like if he could he would take a knife and cut off her fatty belly! It's my shoulder she cried on for days when he said that. She has bombarded me with horrible stories for 4 years, she never said 1 nice word about this man, it built up and I started hating him seriously. I mean it is her life in the end, she sees him day and night, so there is probably more to the story than what's on the surface. Oh there is more! There are even more horrible stories she doesn't tell me because she knows I will have a fit! I personally dislike the partners of some of my friends but unless they are somehow threatening me, I'd not lose our friendship over this and/or interfere... (I might interfere only if i suspect physical abuse) It had become to the point my boyfriend and my mother asked me to cut her off for a while. That's how much our friendship made me live with constant anger inside me. + our friendship was only about her and his behavior. She was never interested in hearing about my life. She spent 30 seconds asking how was our trip to XYZ and switched right back to her drama. When my bf told me he doesn't do xmas I was pretty shaken cause I am big on family and holidays, she just said 'oh that sucks' and switched to her problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 (edited) This is horribly sad. I hope she figures out what a horrible man he is, comes to her senses and breaks things off. Maybe she feels that at 52, she doesn’t want to be alone, but seriously, being alone is better than that. Hopefully she will take your friendship seriously and know that now since you are not going to be there for her that she’ll end the relationship so you two can be friends again. Edited August 7, 2018 by Malin889 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 I think the problem is she's putting her and her relationship at the center of your interactions. That by itself is a good reason to distance from her. If I have a friend who's partner I dislike (oh I have many of these LOL) we just talk about other things - e.g. discuss work, hobbies etc instead of focusing on our love life. I guess if there was a way to turn the conversation away from the topic of her partner, it may have saved the friendship... Because I do hate him for all the things he said to her and did to her. I cannot be insensitive to things he said to her like if he could he would take a knife and cut off her fatty belly! It's my shoulder she cried on for days when he said that. She has bombarded me with horrible stories for 4 years, she never said 1 nice word about this man, it built up and I started hating him seriously. Oh there is more! There are even more horrible stories she doesn't tell me because she knows I will have a fit! It had become to the point my boyfriend and my mother asked me to cut her off for a while. That's how much our friendship made me live with constant anger inside me. + our friendship was only about her and his behavior. She was never interested in hearing about my life. She spent 30 seconds asking how was our trip to XYZ and switched right back to her drama. When my bf told me he doesn't do xmas I was pretty shaken cause I am big on family and holidays, she just said 'oh that sucks' and switched to her problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 7, 2018 Author Share Posted August 7, 2018 I think the problem is she's putting her and her relationship at the center of your interactions. That by itself is a good reason to distance from her. If I have a friend who's partner I dislike (oh I have many of these LOL) we just talk about other things - e.g. discuss work, hobbies etc instead of focusing on our love life. I guess if there was a way to turn the conversation away from the topic of her partner, it may have saved the friendship... When her and I met we were both single and had a good time together for 3 years but as soon as she met this man the dynamic changed. The thing is she cannot enjoy herself because of him. She is always in some type of emotional distress. If we go eat together her mind is somewhere else, she checks her phone, she goes in his email and spy on him, she wants to rush home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted August 7, 2018 Author Share Posted August 7, 2018 What doesn't help is the stress we are going through with my daughter's little sister living under the roof of a sexual predator. Then that friend comes to me with a story her BF has lost his job of 30 years for sexual harassment, a unionized job, which means there was a serious investigation, and what he did was pretty serious for him to lose his job, making dirty jokes would have gotten him a slap on the hand and a note to his file so imagine what he did to lose his job. It's very hard for me to be friends with a woman that forgives a sexual predator especially these days ... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 I've been in the same position. She couldn't spend time with anyone else because she knew he'd be having a fit at home (before cellphones) and would go to a payphone to check in and then want to go home before he exploded. He ran me completely off through her. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 You did the right thing. As much as it's great to stand by a friend who is struggling, we do need to know when to draw boundaries for our own sanity. While I haven't cut anyone off before, I have told them that I can't support them through their relationship issues any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 While I haven't cut anyone off before,... you should try it, it's cathartic Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 I can see why this sets you off, especially considering your personal circumstances. But IMO still you got too far telling you hate her partner, in the end of the day no adult will be happy with friends judging on their choice... Anyway, it’s over for now, you can always revise the friendship after time... I have had estranged friend that got close again after 2 full years apart after a big disagreement. We just decided it’s time to leave the past in the past and things have been good ever since. What doesn't help is the stress we are going through with my daughter's little sister living under the roof of a sexual predator. Then that friend comes to me with a story her BF has lost his job of 30 years for sexual harassment, a unionized job, which means there was a serious investigation, and what he did was pretty serious for him to lose his job, making dirty jokes would have gotten him a slap on the hand and a note to his file so imagine what he did to lose his job. It's very hard for me to be friends with a woman that forgives a sexual predator especially these days ... Link to post Share on other sites
Lightly Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 I think you made the right decision I’m in the same boat ? Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 (edited) I can see why this sets you off, especially considering your personal circumstances. But IMO still you got too far telling you hate her partner, in the end of the day no adult will be happy with friends judging on their choice... Anyway, it’s over for now, you can always revise the friendship after time... I have had estranged friend that got close again after 2 full years apart after a big disagreement. We just decided it’s time to leave the past in the past and things have been good ever since. Agreed - I think you can and should be friends with her again eventually... she will need you and does need you... and hopefully this is a big wake up call for her. I was with a horribly verbally abusive and controlling man many years ago... no one abandoned me, but I felt like I put some of my friendships to the side because it seemed like every time I went out (which was rare) he was calling me non-stop, and I was just unable to do much because I had my baby and he never helped out...anyway, now that he is out of my life (except for being my daughter's father, but we are not together), and my daughter is a little older and I have a little more time on my hands, I'm trying to connect more with those people who meant a lot to me. She will come around and hopefully be a better friend again once she dumps this guy to the curb. :-) Edited August 11, 2018 by Malin889 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 you should try it, it's cathartic You're right, I feel better since I blocked you Alpha.. Gaeta, you certainly did the right thing and if more people did what you just did there would be less people in situations like she is in.. good on you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 11, 2018 Author Share Posted November 11, 2018 So 3 months after I put a hold on our friendship their relationship is over and he moved out. She sent me a message yesterday telling me he left and needed my support. I gave it to her 100%. Turned out he was diagnosed with sex addiction, he's really deep into it and requires 4 therapies a week. My friend is in therapy as well but it's not working very well, she's probably been in therapy for 20 years and she still picks abusers. For now she wants to be alone which is a good thing. I told her I thought of her often and missed our friendship, I will go see her next week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 11, 2018 Share Posted November 11, 2018 I'm glad you got your friend back. Hopefully she'll be stronger this time and when she's ready for a romantic relationship in the future will make better choices. Link to post Share on other sites
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