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Just found out my friend of almost 20 years might be a pedophile


Veronica73

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And I’m really upset. And shocked, appalled, and horrified. And I don’t know what to do. He is about the last person I could ever imagine doing something like this. I have always thought the world of him and considered him as one of my favorite people. He’s out on bail, so there’s the whole innocent until proven guilty thing. But there is an article that had a lot of details about the case. And there is a photo of him in his car with the kid. The article said he allegedly responded to an ad that the kid posted on Craigslist, and they had a sexual relationship that lasted a couple of years.

 

We kind of have had this on again off again friendship, but we always pick up right where we left off. And the past couple of weeks we have been on again. And out of curiosity I googled him and found out about this.

 

I texted him a link to the article and asked him to explain. And I only waited an hour or so and then I was like “Never mind, I don’t want to know. I must be an idiot.” Which is a crappy thing to say, especially if he is innocent. So I feel like I’m a terrible, terrible friend, but I am also appalled by the whole thing and feel like my worldview has been shaken.

 

I don’t know what to do. Apologize and be there for him? Stay the F away?

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i think because when I sent him that text, I believed the allegations in the article. But I had always thought he was such a wonderful person. Like the best kind of person. But I know one other person who definitely is a pedophile, but nobody would have ever thought that of him previously. Ever. So...it makes me feel like a fool. Like you can’t ever really know somebody. I’m so confused. But this guy might be innocent. But there were so many details in the article.

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How old is your friend and how old is the "kid"? You say he responded to an add posted by the kid. This leads me to believe that the kid was actually a teenager. I know some or maybe a lot of people will disagree but I don't really see sex with a teen as pedophilia. I'm not saying that sex between an adult and a teen is okay, its not, but to me a pedophile is someone who desires sex with pre adolescent children. Where I live your friend would be charged with statutory rape but he wouldn't be deemed a pedophile if the kid was a teenager.

 

Sex and sexual desires are a very private thing so you are not an idiot for not knowing this about your friend. Do all your friends know your sexual desires? Probably not. I don't know how you should handle this going forward. Did he ever respond to your messages?

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No, he never responded. The kid was 14 when it allegedly started and my friend was in his early 40’s.

 

Also my friend was living with his girlfriend during the entire course of this “relationship” with this kid.

 

Edit: and where I live he is being charged (or whatever the term is- it hasn’t gone to trial) with repeated sexual assault of a child and child enticement. He could end up in jail for up to 120 years according to what he is being accused of.

Edited by Veronica73
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I did apologize for the way I reacted, said I still don’t know what to think, but that I hope he is okay.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
So...it makes me feel like a fool.

 

Well, it shouldn't make you feel like a fool. It has nothing to do with you. Sounds like this guy is in deep doo-doo, but pedophiles don't normally act "out in the open" so don't feel too badly for not seeing what was most likely purposefully being hidden.

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I suppose. But, how can you be so completely blindsided, and still trust people?

 

Maybe the kid could have had a fake id and looked and acted old for his age or something. I don’t know.

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bathtub-row

People who hide behavior that’s unacceptable to society learn to lie very well. I have a friend I’ve known all my life and found out that she does meth, AND did it with her son! I had no clue. She always explained away her odd behavior as the medication she was on.

 

Your friend will probably never respond to your text because he has nothing to say in his defense.

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I suppose. But, how can you be so completely blindsided, and still trust people?

 

Maybe the kid could have had a fake id and looked and acted old for his age or something. I don’t know.

 

Even if the kid looked 18 and had a fake ID, don't you think it's still off for a 40yo to be having a relationship with him? And as it got to the point of laying charges, the police would have some type of evidence.

Edited by basil67
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Even if the kid looked 18 and had a fake ID, don't you think it's still off for a 40yo to be having a relationship with him? And as it got to the point of laying charges, the police would have some type of evidence.

 

Yeah, I do think a 40yo having a relationship with an 18yo is off, but, in my mind, as skeezy as that is, it’s still a long way off from knowingly having a sexual relationship with a 14 year old. And yes, I highly doubt the police actually go through with pressing charges unless they think they have some sort of evidence.

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Yeah, I do think a 40yo having a relationship with an 18yo is off, but, in my mind, as skeezy as that is, it’s still a long way off from knowingly having a sexual relationship with a 14 year old. And yes, I highly doubt the police actually go through with pressing charges unless they think they have some sort of evidence.

 

It's pretty clear that this guy isn't who you thought he was... I'm sorry.

 

Even if the "child" was 18, it wouldn't be illegal but it would still be awful. Imagine how his girlfriend is feeling right now.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
It's pretty clear that this guy isn't who you thought he was... I'm sorry.

 

Even if the "child" was 18, it wouldn't be illegal but it would still be awful. Imagine how his girlfriend is feeling right now.

 

And the kid! :(

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I know, and I agree. But the level of awfulness between a 14 year old and an 18 year old is mind-boggling, at least to me. But you are right, even if it really did happen, and he thought the kid was 18, it’s still is awful. But in my mind at least, not nearly as awful as knowingly being with a 14 year old. Ugh. I don’t even know what happened, except that he is out on bail which makes me think there is some reasonable evidence. But, you are supposed to be assumed innocent until proven guilty.

 

Thank you everybody for giving me your thoughts on this. It really is upsetting to me.

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But he’s not getting back to me anyway. So maybe I offended him for doubting him and not being a good friend. Or maybe he is ashamed for what he has done. I suspect bathtub-row is right and I won’t hear from him again.

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amaysngrace

No offense but you are probably low on the ladder of people he needs to explain things to, especially with a GF and any parents and family that he has.

 

Who knows? Maybe he's dealing with some of his own inner demons right now as well.

 

When they're found out many resort to suicide. It's not uncommon. I'd reach out once more just to let him know you care and let him know you're here if he needs someone to talk to. No judgment.

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I suppose. But, how can you be so completely blindsided, and still trust people?

 

Maybe the kid could have had a fake id and looked and acted old for his age or something. I don’t know.

 

So your friend lives with his girlfriend but is accused of having sex with a 14 year old boy?

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No offense but you are probably low on the ladder of people he needs to explain things to, especially with a GF and any parents and family that he has.

 

Who knows? Maybe he's dealing with some of his own inner demons right now as well.

 

When they're found out many resort to suicide. It's not uncommon. I'd reach out once more just to let him know you care and let him know you're here if he needs someone to talk to. No judgment.

 

I agree with the above and never would have sent him a message to "explain" anything. That is between him, the child, parents, his girlfriend and the courts. I would stay out of it and keep distance at this stage.

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No offense but you are probably low on the ladder of people he needs to explain things to, especially with a GF and any parents and family that he has.

 

Who knows? Maybe he's dealing with some of his own inner demons right now as well.

 

When they're found out many resort to suicide. It's not uncommon. I'd reach out once more just to let him know you care and let him know you're here if he needs someone to talk to. No judgment.

 

Yeah, it’s a little arrogant to demand an explanation.

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Well, he hasn’t been with his girlfriend since April. So, that ship has sailed a long time ago. And I did apologize for the way I responded when I found out about the charges. But, honestly, I don’t think it is all that crazy to ask for an explanation about child abuse charges from somebody you spend time with, have over to your house, spend hours with, have known for 20 years and confide in. I mean, these are common laws as citizens we all agree to abide by. I’m not sure that it would have been better to just ghost him. I mean, I see what you are saying, but at the same time, he’s been written up about in the paper for something most people would consider a heinous crime. And the things we have talked about have been very personal, but he completely failed to mention anything about that going on. We aren’t just acquaintances. Frankly, he knows me very, very well and would have to have known that I would have been horrified, that he knew I would find out about it, and if he didn’t want me to say anything about it he probably shouldn’t have gotten back in touch with me in the first place. He knows me better than that.

 

I imagine he IS dealing with his own demons. And I did reach out again and tell him that I am confused and don’t know what is going on, but I love him and probably always will no matter what and I hope he is okay and is taking good care of himself. He said he felt awful and didn’t know how to talk about it right now.

 

And I did apologize. I’m not proud of the way I first reacted. But at the same time, I don’t think pretending I don’t know about it, or just ghosting him is the right response either. We have a long history.

Edited by Veronica73
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I guess I just suck as a friend.

 

Actually he is the one that sucks at being a friend, he is the one who was having a relationship and didn't tell you about it.... while we are innocent until proven guilty I would be very careful of being his close friend from here forward, if you are seen with him it could affect you and how people perceive you at this point...

The cost of the fallout could be more than you are willing to bear.

 

There isn't anything wrong with being his friend from afar, texting etc.. don't expect him to talk to you about it as he will be advised not to discuss it with anybody but his attorney hence the silence when you asked.

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amaysngrace
I guess I just suck as a friend.

 

No you don't. He put you in an awkward situation and you've reached out to him and told him you love him.

 

I think you sound like a great friend!

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Actually he is the one that sucks at being a friend, he is the one who was having a relationship and didn't tell you about it.... while we are innocent until proven guilty I would be very careful of being his close friend from here forward, if you are seen with him it could affect you and how people perceive you at this point...

The cost of the fallout could be more than you are willing to bear.

 

There isn't anything wrong with being his friend from afar, texting etc.. don't expect him to talk to you about it as he will be advised not to discuss it with anybody but his attorney hence the silence when you asked.

 

Thank you. I agree as to being careful about how close we are. I have him over to my house, go out to eat with him, and have been a reference for him for jobs. It has occurred to me how this could reflect on me. Especially since he never bothered to mention it to me (thereby not even giving me a choice about whether I want to be involved in this sh*tstorm or not). And I agree about discussing the case as well. I know they are pleading not guilty. I don’t want to be at all involved in all of that.

 

No you don't. He put you in an awkward situation and you've reached out to him and told him you love him.

 

I think you sound like a great friend!

 

Thank you very much :) I have been very upset by the situation and also, feeling like I don’t know the right way to respond because on the one side I am personally horrified, but I do care very deeply for my friend so,there has been a lot of internal conflict.

 

Thank you very much to everybody that responded. This really blindsided and upset me. Your responses have helped me a lot and I really, really appreciate them.

Edited by Veronica73
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