btcman Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 ok so this is gonna be long... so my best friend from childhood lives in Los Angeles, I live in New York City. He got engaged to his gf of many years recently, very happy for him, nice girl, anyways he plans a bachelor party in vegas for 2 nights in november, I told him politely that I couldn't fly 6 hours away for 2 nights especially because I fly home to LA every year for thanksgiving which was a week after his bachelor party. Basically I'd fly NYC to Vegas to NYC to LA to NYC within 14 days of each other...no thanks thats alot of flying. So then he gives me the wedding invite, Jan 1-5 in cancun. Lovely I had a trip planned and paid for with my wife and some of our friends to go to south beach for new years and have some nice weather and beach. Anyways who plans a wedding on jan 1? So I tell him that I had plans and had no idea his wedding was new years day, mind you this is my childhood best friend and we used to talk EVERY DAY for years and he never once said there was a wedding on new years freaking day..... now its been a month he never texts me anymore, Im scared to text him bc i know he's mad at me which is why he's not talking to me. Now here's what upsets me with this all, this guy does not make alot of money at all, maybe $35-40k a year. I make alot of money, I live in NYC, have a vacation home in Miami, and he knows money isn't an issue for me. We talked on the phone shortly before he quit talking to me and I told him alot of our good friends from high school probably wont be able to afford to go to 1 destination for his bachelor party and another for the wedding and he said he didn't care who came where, he was gonna invite everyone and if they came they came.....im on the bachelor party list, 10 guys, 4 have already declined besides me.....anyways I love the guy but Im mid 30s, do you know how many weddings we attend every year, this is like my 75th wedding or something and yes you're my best friend but the money doesn't just grow on trees. Regardless, money is not my issue, my issue was I had plans for his wedding I had made and paid for beforehand and the bachelor party is just too far to go for 2 nights a week or so before I go home for thanksgiving too. I just dont get why he's mad at me, im assuming its bc I prob was going to be asked to be best man, but he picked some insane dates for the bachelor party and wedding and i think its insane to be mad at your friend for not being able to go. I just wish it wasn't like this but it is, we're guys this is insane he's mad at me over this. Our other friends are skipping for monetary reasons the destination wedding and destination bachelor is such an insane burden to ask of your friends isnt it? How do I resolve this? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 Cancel your trip and go to his wedding. Also since you're going to be on the west coast anyway get yourself to Vegas. You're his best friend so act like you are. Friendships need to be cultivated just like every other relationship worth having. Suck it up and do right by your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author btcman Posted July 15, 2018 Author Share Posted July 15, 2018 Cancel your trip and go to his wedding. Also since you're going to be on the west coast anyway get yourself to Vegas. You're his best friend so act like you are. Friendships need to be cultivated just like every other relationship worth having. Suck it up and do right by your friend. I cant just go to vegas and then go to thanksgiving in los angeles 10 days later. I have to fly home, Im a trader, I dont just get a vacation like that, the markets are open and I have to be at the office. If it was that simple Id do it. As for the new years vacation, I have already paid for the tickets, we have 6 of our friends coming with us to Miami, Id love to back out but these people all made plans to go with us. Im just annoyed that my best friend who I talk to daily never once mentions he's going to plan a wedding on new years day, adults plan stuff on major holidays in advance, this guy didn't not my fault Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 You are being perfectly reasonable. I don't think that it's selfish to want a destination anything, but it's selfish to *expect* people to attend them if it's inconvenient or too expensive. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 This is his one big day. Once. In a lifetime. I think the other people will understand and respect you for backing out of the trip given the circumstances. That is, if they value friendship as much as you do. Do you value this friendship? Then you need to be there for him. But you seem really annoyed. That's too bad because you're probably taking such a special day for him and minimizing the importance of it. I feel sorry for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author btcman Posted July 15, 2018 Author Share Posted July 15, 2018 This is his one big day. Once. In a lifetime. I think the other people will understand and respect you for backing out of the trip given the circumstances. That is, if they value friendship as much as you do. Do you value this friendship? Then you need to be there for him. But you seem really annoyed. That's too bad because you're probably taking such a special day for him and minimizing the importance of it. I feel sorry for him. I dont feel sorry him bc he lives in fantasy land. Look he's my childhood best friend and I love the guy but listen I live in the real world. I make more per month than he does in a year, by alot, he's a paralegal and lets put my commitments aside this guy is asking me to spend $5k or so on him and his wedding at a minimum if not more + I have to buy him a gift too dont forget that. Plane tickets to Vegas and Mexico from new york + hotels in both places + dinners in both places + bottles in both places + ticket for my wife to wedding + an expensive gift. Now again, if I did the same thing, which I didn't bc Im not selfish I had my wedding back home where wife and I grew up, but as a paralegal, this guy would have never spent all that money to come to my destination bachelor party + destination wedding, no way. Am I still selfish? I think if it wasn't ridiculous half the guys on his bachelor party email wouldn't have said no. People have to realize when you're in your late 30s, we've been to 100+ weddings by now, if I spent $5k on each one I would have spent $500,000 on weddings, so no I dont think its insane financially when someone is asking this much of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author btcman Posted July 15, 2018 Author Share Posted July 15, 2018 You are being perfectly reasonable. I don't think that it's selfish to want a destination anything, but it's selfish to *expect* people to attend them if it's inconvenient or too expensive. Its just crazy what friends are asking for today. To stop talking to your friend of 30+ years bc of this nonsense is really disappointing, I understand he probably would have asked me to be his best man but im sorry that is just alot of money to spend on something that isn't for the wife and I. I guess Im selfish but if Im spending $5k+ of my money I want it to be on something I want to do, not a destination wedding for a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 Then don't go if it's too much of a financial burden. Out of curiosity, how much did you budget for your trip with your six other friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author btcman Posted July 15, 2018 Author Share Posted July 15, 2018 Then don't go if it's too much of a financial burden. Out of curiosity, how much did you budget for your trip with your six other friends? It's alot less bc my wife and I are staying at our condo, thats why we go to Miami every year on new years, we bought a condo there and it costs us much less than a 5 star resort in mexico where this wedding is. One of the guys coming with us has a house in miami and the plan was to spend new years eve on his boat. So it really wasn't going to be anything insane. Like I said its not that $5,000 will make or break me, its the fact that im being told how to spend my $5,000. Like I said, if I asked him to spend $5,000 on me, he could not, so I think its insane that he is asking this of all of us. His wife to be, her parents are paying for him and her to go down, like I said he really doesn't have money nor does he pay bills bc his parents gave him a cheap home many years ago and he doesn't pay rent or anything he just lives there and drives the same cheap car for the last 10+ years. The rest of us are adults with bills to pay so we have to budget and dont live in fantasy land, when I spend $5,000+ I want it to be on what I want it to be on. Again this isn't a money issue here, as I said the bach is right before thanksgiving, but maybe 10 days before it, I cant fly new york to vegas to new york then back to see my parents in los angeles right after, that is way too much flying....esp for 2 days of bachelor party. The wedding thats a trip booked with friends before I knew the wedding date....also not my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 If you cancel your holiday plans for the wedding, your wife will be furious at you and rightfully so. Any reasonable person would understand that it's not reasonable to just cancel your booking. The bachelor party....it's six hours each way? For two nights? Then repeated again the following weekend? Nope. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author btcman Posted July 15, 2018 Author Share Posted July 15, 2018 If you cancel your holiday plans for the wedding, your wife will be furious at you and rightfully so. Any reasonable person would understand that it's not reasonable to just cancel your booking. The bachelor party....it's six hours each way? For two nights? Then repeated again the following weekend? Nope. exactly....and for all this my best friend of 30+ years, we're 37 now, is not talking to me, can you believe this? Im sure I would have been his best man but still wow right.... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 It's obvious you look down on him by what you've said so don't go. He'd probably be better off just letting the friendship go anyway. If he was that important to you this wouldn't even be a problem. You'd just go. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 exactly....and for all this my best friend of 30+ years, we're 37 now, is not talking to me, can you believe this? Im sure I would have been his best man but still wow right.... Kudos to you for not bailing on your wife and other friends for your previously booked plans. If he really wanted you there, he would have given you adequate notice to make sure that you kept the date free. This is why the "save the date" tradition exists. Nine months is a reasonable amount of lead time if someone's attendance is important to us. I don't know what it's like in the US, but here in Australia one naturally assumes that people already have plans over this period. Much notice is needed for everything at this time of year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author btcman Posted July 15, 2018 Author Share Posted July 15, 2018 It's obvious you look down on him by what you've said so don't go. He'd probably be better off just letting the friendship go anyway. If he was that important to you this wouldn't even be a problem. You'd just go. I like how you turn everything around on me. You dont think its silly he told me he didn't care who came to either thing when I tried to tell him I thought he was asking alot, he didn't care bc he's paying for neither, now 50% of his bachelor party invites on the email have said no. I think the free market has spoken, sorry im a trader. I dont know what you do for a living but for me when a person makes $30k/year and thinks its totally normal for his friends to spend $5k to celebrate his wedding, that person is delusional, im sorry but they are. Again Im not skipping for monetary reasons, I said why I couldn't go but even if I could go, I would absolutely not spend $5k on any of my friends, have you ever spent $5k on a friend? I have not. $5k is a pretty conservative estimate plane ticket to vegas - $400-500 2 night hotel in vegas - $500 2 days of food in vegas - $250(lunch + dinner) bottle service - $500-600 for my portion 2 plane tickets to mexico - $800 4 nights hotel at 5 star resort - $400/night i checked so $1600 food for 4 days for wife and i - $800( $200/day isnt bad estimate) drinks for 4 days - $400 tux rental - $200 gift - $500 Those are all pretty conservative estimates, sorry I just think thats too much for anyone to ask of any friend.....like I said, if I asked him to do that, he would definitely give me a spiel about how he can't afford it, I can afford it, but I wouldn't spend it anyways even if i wasn't busy and I dont think thats ridiculous to say, I have alot of friends, if each one needed $3-5k per wedding Id be homeless today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author btcman Posted July 15, 2018 Author Share Posted July 15, 2018 Kudos to you for not bailing on your wife and other friends for your previously booked plans. If he really wanted you there, he would have given you adequate notice to make sure that you kept the date free. This is why the "save the date" tradition exists. Nine months is a reasonable amount of lead time if someone's attendance is important to us. I don't know what it's like in the US, but here in Australia one naturally assumes that people already have plans over this period. Much notice is needed for everything at this time of year. correct he gave me 6 months and honestly if it was any week but new years I would have gone, but like I said we used to talk every day i knew a wedding was coming, i always told him id be there 100% but damn man who the hell out of nowhere plans it on a major holiday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 So you said you'd be there 100% for him and now you're not willing to even do 50%? Wow. Oh and since you keep mentioning it, an LA paralegal makes over $60,000 a year, not half that like you keep saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author btcman Posted July 15, 2018 Author Share Posted July 15, 2018 So you said you'd be there 100% for him and now you're not willing to even do 50%? Wow. Oh and since you keep mentioning it, an LA paralegal makes over $60,000 a year, not half that like you keep saying. Can you please stop replying, you're not factoring in anything i've said. I'd love to get other inputs but you're completely ignoring everything ive said about distances involved and prior engagements. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 Can you please stop replying, you're not factoring in anything i've said. I'd love to get other inputs but you're completely ignoring everything ive said about distances involved and prior engagements. Maybe you just want to be told exactly what you want to hear. That you're right and he's wrong. Well I'm sorry but I think you're wrong not to make any effort. Like I've already said, if he was that important to you this wouldn't even be a question and you'd be there for him like you promised you'd be. I did answer about you prior engagement. I said cancel and explain the reason behind it to your friends and I'm sure they'd understand providing that they value their own friendships. You can do it another time but a wedding is once in a lifetime. Link to post Share on other sites
Author btcman Posted July 15, 2018 Author Share Posted July 15, 2018 Maybe you just want to be told exactly what you want to hear. That you're right and he's wrong. Well I'm sorry but I think you're wrong not to make any effort. Like I've already said, if he was that important to you this wouldn't even be a question and you'd be there for him like you promised you'd be. I did answer about you prior engagement. I said cancel and explain the reason behind it to your friends and I'm sure they'd understand providing that they value their own friendships. You can do it another time but a wedding is once in a lifetime. so its right to ask your friends to spend $5000 on your wedding and bachelor party bc you want a destination for each? Im sorry but what in your opinion is not selfish about that? and cancel on my friends who made plans from way before to spend new years with my wife and I? That's not a once in a lifetime thing? So upset my other friends is the strategy now bc my best friend is a selfish prick who has no concept of money since he pays no bills and makes no money? Link to post Share on other sites
moodoo Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 so its right to ask your friends to spend $5000 on your wedding and bachelor party bc you want a destination for each? Im sorry but what in your opinion is not selfish about that? and cancel on my friends who made plans from way before to spend new years with my wife and I? That's not a once in a lifetime thing? So upset my other friends is the strategy now bc my best friend is a selfish prick who has no concept of money since he pays no bills and makes no money? Destination weddings are selfish that’s all I can add, we get limited vacation time and have limited resources yet you want us to spend it all on you. This guy wants a bachelor party as well, sounds like a selfish man, get new friends 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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