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Major friend crisis


somuchmusic

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somuchmusic

Hi, I am not sure what exactly I am posting here, but here it goes.

 

I have a guy friend, we've been friends for about two years now. He has been the most amazing friend, helpful, present, always by my side. At one point about a year ago I admitted to him I had feelings for him, but he told me he can't be in a relationship. He hasn't been and he is super secretive about his love life to the point it's kind of ridiculous. I wanted him as a friend so I got over it, continued to date guys but also to hang out with him.

 

A few weeks back he became a lot more present in my life than normally. We would normally hang out once or twice a week, maybe once every two weeks, but he started inviting me for dinners and hanging outs every day, every single day he would text me something funny, we would hang out every day. I wondered if maybe his feelings had changed. He hadn't made a single move. He invited me over for dinner and said yes to watching a basketball match with me even though he doesn't like basketball.

 

So we watched this basketball match at our local pub and it was kind of a big deal (the match). My cousin asked me to watch it at her place but I refused because I wanted to watch it with my guy friend and he gets weird around new people. Also, my cousin's mom was leaving the following day so she wanted to say bye to me. At the match he disappeared a couple of times saying he was going for a walk which was kind of annoying.

 

After about half of the match my cousin joins me and my guy friend. (I hadn't invited her but did mention where I would be). We watched the match, talked and after the match I kind of turned to my guy friend and said: ok, well this was nice. And my cousin said bye to him and then my cousin and I - left. I felt weird. Even though we hadn't made any plans for after the match, I felt he wasn't very happy about it. I know I should have explained I was going to my cousin's place to say bye to the woman who was leaving town the following day - but I didn't. So I texted him and apologised, he glanced over it, just asked me how much he owed me for the drinks. I tried texting him again after I was done with my cousin asking him for a walk and he never replied. He hasn't written anything to me for two days and I wonder if he is still offended. But why would he be? I apologised and explained and not sure what attitude I should take now.

 

Was I terrible? Should I apologise again?

 

Thanks.

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stillafool

No. You haven't done anything wrong. Just ask him again if everything is okay and ask to hang out again. Since this guy made it clear he can't be in a relationship and you still have feelings for him; don't you think you are putting your heart at risk by hanging around him? Are you going to get upset when you find out who he's dating?

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somuchmusic

thank you for your reply. firstly, I had feelings for him once upon a time. he is a great friend and we have got really close (minus his love life which is very strange but that is the way he is). secondly, i feel he is genuinely upset even though I don’t think he has a reason to be. he calls me and messages me every day and suddenly it stops after i “blew him off”. he is a great friend and i don’t want to lose his friendship but he’s being a brat imo.

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I'm sure you've heard the expression "playing house", living with someone you're not married to. You're playing BF/GF with him, including your annoyance over his contact with other women (going for a walk?) and fretting over the smallest potential slight to his feelings.

 

Maybe he's just been busy the last couple days doing something with one of his other "friends" ?

 

Mr. Lucky

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I agree that you two are playing BF/GF but leaving out all the important parts like communication.

 

Objectively you watched TV in a bar with a friend. Your cousin showed up in that public space. The friend who doesn't care for basketball wasn't paying as much attention to the game as you were & entertained himself by going for a walk during the game so you could enjoy watching. When the game was over you left to go say goodbye to a family member.

 

What were you supposed to do -- blow off your aunt? Drag this guy who "get's weird" around new people to your aunt's house? No. You said good bye & you went about your business.

 

Clarify your relationship with him or simmer down. You did nothing wrong but continuously apologizing is obsequious & annoying.

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somuchmusic
I'm sure you've heard the expression "playing house", living with someone you're not married to. You're playing BF/GF with him, including your annoyance over his contact with other women (going for a walk?) and fretting over the smallest potential slight to his feelings.

 

Maybe he's just been busy the last couple days doing something with one of his other "friends" ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

So someone who texts me and wants to see me every day stops texting the minute I leave with my cousin? (that very night). No, I don't believe that. And where did you come up with contact with other women? I have no idea what he did when he walked away, he just said I am going for a walk and left. If you were sitting down with someone and that person just walked away and left - what would you have done? The match was also not on an the moment he left. I felt so stupid. I don't think I am playing anything with anyone, if anything he is. I was supposed to do a four month internship abroad and turned it down because it ended up not being paid, and he got fundamentally upset that I would just leave without telling him (which of course I wouldn't have done). So not sure who is playing house over here....

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There’s nothing for you to apologize for. Perhaps ask him to hang out again? Maybe he sees you like a buddy, since he already told you no to a romantic relationship? In any case, you already expressed your feelings, so the ball is in his court to clarify things if he has developed feelings for you.

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He's the one playing but you are kind of going along with it.

 

You put your cards on the table & said you wanted more. When he said no, you accepted the friendship only but he's been using that & treating you like a sort of GF without giving you any of the benefits.

 

Just stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong. He is the one who should be apologizing.

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So someone who texts me and wants to see me every day stops texting the minute I leave with my cousin? (that very night). No, I don't believe that. And where did you come up with contact with other women? I have no idea what he did when he walked away, he just said I am going for a walk and left. If you were sitting down with someone and that person just walked away and left - what would you have done? The match was also not on an the moment he left. I felt so stupid. I don't think I am playing anything with anyone, if anything he is. I was supposed to do a four month internship abroad and turned it down because it ended up not being paid, and he got fundamentally upset that I would just leave without telling him (which of course I wouldn't have done). So not sure who is playing house over here....

 

Absolutely agree you should have a reaction to his behavior. Just not the reaction you're having, it's plainly tinged with other feelings.

 

Were the two of you just friends, a normal course would be to give him space when he acts out. And yet you're chasing him with an uncertain apology for hurting his feelings, not even sure what you've done. Awkward for both of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I don't know how customs are there, but here, no one is pleased if you invite others to join your evening, whether it's a date or just friends. It isn't polite. And then you left with her, so that was even worse. Not everyone likes to be around others who they didn't invite. Some people clam up or find it awkward.

 

If he's interested, as far as that goes, in your two-part question, he will hit on you and do something physical. I think you're wishful thinking that that's why he's mad, but that would make any friend kind of insulted. It's as if you're conveying that the friend isn't entertaining enough so you invited someone else along too. Now, I know you said you didn't invite, but you told her so it amounts to the same thing. Wouldn't have been so bad if she'd sat at another table and you hadn't left early with her.

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somuchmusic
I don't know how customs are there, but here, no one is pleased if you invite others to join your evening, whether it's a date or just friends. It isn't polite. And then you left with her, so that was even worse. Not everyone likes to be around others who they didn't invite. Some people clam up or find it awkward.

 

If he's interested, as far as that goes, in your two-part question, he will hit on you and do something physical. I think you're wishful thinking that that's why he's mad, but that would make any friend kind of insulted. It's as if you're conveying that the friend isn't entertaining enough so you invited someone else along too. Now, I know you said you didn't invite, but you told her so it amounts to the same thing. Wouldn't have been so bad if she'd sat at another table and you hadn't left early with her.

 

I don't think it is impolite if I invite other people. Where I come from, it's normal. And having my cousin sit at another table is kind of silly. I asked him if it would be ok for her to come and he said yes. Is it more acceptable for him to leave the table in the middle of a conversation and come back later? As he did? Especially if we are not a couple, I can invite OTHER friends and we can all hang out together.

 

You all seem to imply I have feelings for him. I do, he is my friend and I love him. He has done so much for me, he's always been there for me, but I have had other romantic interests and honestly the only thing is I didn't want to lose him. His reaction was so strong I assumed the only reason could be he is somehow in love with me and if anything, I showed him with my behaviour that I wasn't. Why would I leave with my cousin and tell my cousin where I was if I thought it was a date?? I just didn't want to hurt his feelings, but he acted like a brat in my opinion.

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somuchmusic

so he blocked me on his WhatsApp then i called him on his old phone and asked him wtf was happening, he told me he was getting a new phone and if i could send him my number. then he proceeded to write back on my old WhatsApp using his old number. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing, he was tired and didn't want to respond. He was super casual and aloof about it (which is not like him at all) and I am officially giving up on this person.

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so he blocked me on his WhatsApp then i called him on his old phone and asked him wtf was happening, he told me he was getting a new phone and if i could send him my number. then he proceeded to write back on my old WhatsApp using his old number. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing, he was tired and didn't want to respond. He was super casual and aloof about it (which is not like him at all) and I am officially giving up on this person.

 

You're giving up on a good friend because they'd rather have a bit of space than rehashing and communicating a misunderstanding? Given that he's a mate and not a boyfriend, you're being very demanding.

 

I'd just give him the space he needs. Chalk it up to a bad night and let it go. (and no, don't communicate this to him because that's not giving space). It will probably go back to how it used to be.

 

Don't sweat the small stuff

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I don't know, it seems like this guy is very high maintenance. You have to be careful who you bring him around, careful what you say to him, tread lightly or get blocked by him, play guessing games about what he is brooding about. That's a lot of negatives. Only the OP knows if the positive aspects of their history are worth the trouble.

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somuchmusic
You're giving up on a good friend because they'd rather have a bit of space than rehashing and communicating a misunderstanding? Given that he's a mate and not a boyfriend, you're being very demanding.

 

I'd just give him the space he needs. Chalk it up to a bad night and let it go. (and no, don't communicate this to him because that's not giving space). It will probably go back to how it used to be.

 

Don't sweat the small stuff

 

Hm.... how is he a good friend if he block me because I went to say bye to my aunt and basically punishes me by ignoring my texts letting me think God knows what. That is immature at best. Do I want to be emotionally invested in a person who could just decide one day to ignore me and shut me out? Yes, I do get emotionally invested in my friends. The discrepancy between how he treated me up to the match and afterwards is huge. I still think he got really offended but decided to cover his tracks by playing it cool while I was afraid he would never speak to me again. He has a history of making rash decision based on something only he knows. How do I have a friend I care about but I have to pick and choose everything I say to him in case I offend him so badly he just shuts me out?

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somuchmusic
I don't know, it seems like this guy is very high maintenance. You have to be careful who you bring him around, careful what you say to him, tread lightly or get blocked by him, play guessing games about what he is brooding about. That's a lot of negatives. Only the OP knows if the positive aspects of their history are worth the trouble.

 

Exactly. Yeah, he's been a good friend and we have a lot of history together and this is why I would NEVER do what he did to me yesterday, I would never do that to someone I consider close to me. I would never make them question themselves and our relationship like that. To me that is cruel and messed up.:( How do I know he won't do it again at one point? I was genuinely upset yesterday and he was just like: yeah, whatever....

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Exactly. Yeah, he's been a good friend and we have a lot of history together and this is why I would NEVER do what he did to me yesterday, I would never do that to someone I consider close to me. I would never make them question themselves and our relationship like that. To me that is cruel and messed up.:( How do I know he won't do it again at one point? I was genuinely upset yesterday and he was just like: yeah, whatever....

 

Cruel and messed up? Hon, you're really making a mountain out of a molehill. There was a misunderstanding and he obviously needs a bit of time to chill. You already know he's an odd bod, so it shouldn't come as much surprise to you. Not only that, I frankly don't believe that you've NEVER inadvertently caused someone confusion or to question how you feel. Nobody is that perfect.

 

Leaving periodically during the event is not odd if it was noisy and crowded and he needed to chill for a bit. I've done much the same myself. Disappointing that you view his actions as annoying rather than with understanding. Again, you already know he's a bit odd.

 

It's good that you apologised for the whole thing with your cousin, but if he was annoyed by your actions, an apology won't instantly make him feel better. He just needs time. Try to not make the current situation all about you and how you feel.

 

I suggest you dig deeper to find out why a misunderstanding and needing a time out is causing you so much stress.

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somuchmusic
Cruel and messed up? Hon, you're really making a mountain out of a molehill. There was a misunderstanding and he obviously needs a bit of time to chill. You already know he's an odd bod, so it shouldn't come as much surprise to you. Not only that, I frankly don't believe that you've NEVER inadvertently caused someone confusion or to question how you feel. Nobody is that perfect.

 

Leaving periodically during the event is not odd if it was noisy and crowded and he needed to chill for a bit. I've done much the same myself. Disappointing that you view his actions as annoying rather than with understanding. Again, you already know he's a bit odd.

 

It's good that you apologised for the whole thing with your cousin, but if he was annoyed by your actions, an apology won't instantly make him feel better. He just needs time. Try to not make the current situation all about you and how you feel.

 

I suggest you dig deeper to find out why a misunderstanding and needing a time out is causing you so much stress.

 

so blocking me on WhatsApp and ignoring my texts is him needing space, but me being hurt by his actions is dramatic and exaggareted? sorry but no.

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so blocking me on WhatsApp and ignoring my texts is him needing space, but me being hurt by his actions is dramatic and exaggareted? sorry but no.

 

I understand you being hurt and confused, I really do. It's the language you use which is very dramatic. I can't help but think you're winding yourself up more than you need to.

 

Try and let it go and see what the future brings. No need for rash decisions about the future of your friendship at this point.

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Maybe this is a generational thing, but for me blocking = friendship over. Blocking is reserved for stalkers or people you don't want in your life ever again. So I would be really ticked by someone blocking me.

 

On the other hand, I have read on this board about younger posters saying "he blocked me, then he unblocked me and we got together again". Or that they view blocking as just like turning off their phone for a while when they don't want to be bothered.

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My GAWD! This is way too much drama for a friendship. I think you two need to give each other a lot of girth at this point and go about your business until some far future date. People can't be pleasant all the time as different things are constantly going on in our lives that other no nothing about. If friends can't understand when you need space then you need a break from each other.

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somuchmusic
My GAWD! This is way too much drama for a friendship. I think you two need to give each other a lot of girth at this point and go about your business until some far future date. People can't be pleasant all the time as different things are constantly going on in our lives that other no nothing about. If friends can't understand when you need space then you need a break from each other.

 

If someone texts me every day, asks to hang out every day, cooks for me, goes everywhere with me / and then suddenly one night after a minor incident he ignores my messages and blocks me on social networks, how cool am I supposed to be? Is it not socially acceptable to be hurt? Of course we have periods of time when we need a break, but you can't just switch from hot to cold with people - virtually in one day. It's like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde / one moment you are friends with the most considerate human on the planet and the next he's telling you he didn't feel like responding to your text about thing being cool between you.

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somuchmusic
I understand you being hurt and confused, I really do. It's the language you use which is very dramatic. I can't help but think you're winding yourself up more than you need to.

 

Try and let it go and see what the future brings. No need for rash decisions about the future of your friendship at this point.

 

I just feel stupid. One moment I have a great friend who spends time with me, the next he is ignoring me and blocking me. I get very emotionally invested in my friendships and I don't need people who are going to be hot one minute and cold the next. It happened virtually within a day. He was offended and acted like a brat and I thought I had lost him. So I don't feel I want to be in a situation like that ever again.

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If someone texts me every day, asks to hang out every day, cooks for me, goes everywhere with me / and then suddenly one night after a minor incident he ignores my messages and blocks me on social networks, how cool am I supposed to be? Is it not socially acceptable to be hurt? Of course we have periods of time when we need a break, but you can't just switch from hot to cold with people - virtually in one day. It's like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde / one moment you are friends with the most considerate human on the planet and the next he's telling you he didn't feel like responding to your text about thing being cool between you.

 

I swear if I was your friend and did all that you describe above I would definitely need a break.

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somuchmusic
I swear if I was your friend and did all that you describe above I would definitely need a break.

 

Please, you're writing this to annoy me. Nobody forced him to do anything. You make it sound like I demanded it. I helped him out too many times.

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