Should I ask him to meet up?

[purplesoccer34]

I ran into an old friend (I think I last spoke to him in elementary school) at a store somewhat recently, and we said hi to each other, but we didn't really get a chance to talk. I regretted not being able to talk to him so some time after the encounter, I found him on facebook and sent a message asking how he's doing. When I did this, I was purely looking to rekindle an old friendship, and just wanted to see what he was up to.

 

My message was very neutral and platonic, but I wonder if me reaching out to him might have given him the idea that I was interested in something more. Does a female reaching out to an old male friend after many years automatically mean that she's attracted to him in some way?

 

When I was talking to this guy, he was friendly in his responses. He said he was happy to hear from me, and asked questions to keep the conversation going. He asked questions about my work, travel, family, etc. However, the conversation ultimately came to a stop, and I think that was because of both of us. We both sent messages that were fairly short and to the point. I feel that if I had maybe written more (as I normally do with others), or if I had asked him more questions, we would have ended up talking a lot more.

 

The conversation has now reached a stopping point, and I regret not asking him to meet up. I hesitated asking earlier because once again, I worried this would look as though I was interested in him. I don't have any romantic interest - I grew up with this guy and he was a significant part of my childhood.

 

If I were to start another conversation with him, would it appear as though I'm trying to make a move? I would love to meet up with him and catch up, but I also wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea. I almost know for a fact that he won't initiate any more conversations with me - but I've also always known him to be shy and reserved.

[preraph]

I think the ball is in his court now. Any red-blooded man will follow up after something like that if they are interested. I say let it fade unless he makes an effort to keep it going.

[whichwayisup]

He could be married or have a gf and may not feel comfortable spending time with someone he hasn't seen or spoken to in many many years, other than a quick run in and a facebook message.

 

You have nothing to lose if you want to ask him for coffee, go for it but don't be hurt or too upset if he says no. Make it clear it's 'friend' not looking for him to date you.

[maxi105]

hi there ps34. yes, just say that you meant to ask if he wants to get together but make it clear its only on a social basis.

 

if nothing happens after that then just leave it and if you see him ok, if not then you wont lose anything.

 

you must make it clear though that you dont want anything more to be fair to him and especially if he is shy as you dont want to hurt him if he were wanting more.

 

the only way you will know is to ask him, there is no answers in do men do this or will women likely do that...sometimes that kind of generalising can help but in this post i dont think it iwll help in any way. youve just got to ask him.

 

if youve know this guy for a long time it should be more natural in a way to ask him things, however, it may also be that he doesnt really want to drag up old times and that the conversation came to a stop because there was not that much to say as so much time has gone by...but if you think there is still plenty to say then yes...try to get in touch again.

 

but he will decide whether its worth it or not...but if it were me, id ask.

 

why not.

theres no point in always guessing things if you have the chance to properly know if its ok.

 

ok, see ya. hope it goes ok. maxi.

[d0nnivain]

What you did so far was fine if all you want is to catch up / chat. The minute you press for a meeting he will see that as a romantic / sexual overture. Since that is not what you want, do not ask to meet.

 

There are certain circumstances where you can ask & keep it platonic but you have to be clear. When FB 1st went mainstream I added a bunch of people from high school, just like everyone else. I chatted a few times with an old buddy. Years ago he had dated a post graduate roommate of mine. When I got engaged, over FB I asked him for tips about having a successful marriage because it seemed like he'd been married for at least 10-12 years. Maybe 5-6 years later I had reason to be in his city -- far from where we grew up -- with my husband. So I sent a message asking if him and his wife wanted to meet my husband & I for dinner, sort of like a double date. They couldn't get a babysitter so their 3 kids came too. It was fun to see him again. I enjoyed meeting his wife. She's somebody I think I could be friends with if we lived closer. He & I occasionally exchange a public post or two on FB but that's the extent of it.

 

To keep things very neutral if you are planning an outing that others can join, and somebody else you both knew from back in the day will be there, tell your friend about that event & invite him to show up. Something like,

"Hey, A, B, C & I are all going to the free concert in the park next week. I'

m

sure they'd love to see you again. Grab your wife,

GF

or a friend & come down to say hi."

But I would not press for a one on one meeting.