Loaned a Close Friend Money ...

[KBarletta]

About a year ago I loaned a close friend and coworker a decent amount of money (several hundred $) so she could afford to leave a bad living arrangement with her young child and move out on her own, which she did. She promised to pay me back within three months. It's been a year.

 

Since then, she's mentioned it a few times, assuring me that she hasn't forgotten, but she also has not made any real effort to pay me back.

 

This is someone I would consider one of my five/six closest friends in the world. I probably should have listened to the old saying about friends and money, but I wanted to help and that's probably my downfall.

 

Now, it's been a year and it's just awkward. I feel like it would affect our friendship if I were to bring it up, and I do still value her as a friend. Also, I think she's probably embarrassed and might distance herself from me if it becomes an issue.

 

I don't want to lose the friendship - it's worth more to me than the money. Also, she's had a lot of bad things going on lately (family members battling life and death diseases, relationship issues, etc.) so I don't want to pile on an already big pile of stress.

 

What would you do?

[newlywedder]

She doesn't sound like a good friend to me. At the very least, she could pay you back small amounts when she is able. It sounds like she doesn't value you since she wants to ignore that she owes you money. I'm sure she will take advantage of your kindness again.

 

My sister owes me lots of money but I let it slide. She is family and I was raised to put family first. If you feel the same about this friend then also forget about the loan. Don't offer another loan in the future or this will be reoccurring.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Honestly, I've always heard that you should never ever loan friends money unless you are truly OK with never getting it back .

 

In early 2017 I loaned my then boyfriend (now an ex) a very large sum of money (thousands) and I drafted an official document we both signed. I have not regretted this at all because he's never been late for a payment even though we're broken up. He wanted the signed agreement as much as I did. (Side note: I took out a home equity line of credit for this; I'm not drowning in extra cash to loan people....hardly...).

 

Bottom line....if you do loan money....get it in writing.....

 

I think you should forgive this loan .

[FilterCoffee]

This is someone I would consider one of my five/six closest friends in the world.....

 

I don't want to lose the friendship - it's worth more to me than the money. Also, she's had a lot of bad things going on lately (family members battling life and death diseases, relationship issues, etc.) so I don't want to pile on an already big pile of stress.

 

Since this is the case, and as long as there’s no pressing need on your end, I would forget about it and just trust her that she’ll pay you back some day. Great friends are really hard to come by.

[Happy Lemming]

Did you get a "promissory note" for the loan?? In the past, when I did lend friends money, I made up a quick and easy (no interest) promissory note and we both signed it.

 

The note spelled out when the re-payments are supposed to happen, thus no ambiguity or excuses.

 

I helped out a friend, once when he needed a work van. I typed up a promissory note, when it came time to make the payments, he made up excuse after excuse. Eventually, I turned the note over to a collection agency to collect. A real friend would have made attempts to pay me back or made partial payments.

 

I agree with "newlywedder", your friend should have made small or partial payments back to you as a show of "good faith".

 

She is not a true friend and yes, I would continue to ask for my money back. Perhaps make up a repayment schedule that fits her budget and have her sign it.

[Art_Critic]

I think you should forgive this loan .

 

 

That's what I think too...

[bathtub-row]

Forgive the loan and let her know it. Since she has brought it up, it’s apparently bothering her, so if you don’t tell her this, she’ll probably start avoiding you. In the future, don’t loan money to friends. If you want to help them, give the money to them as a gift. It solves a lot of problems.

[KBarletta]

Did you get a "promissory note" for the loan?? In the past, when I did lend friends money, I made up a quick and easy (no interest) promissory note and we both signed it.

 

The note spelled out when the re-payments are supposed to happen, thus no ambiguity or excuses.

 

I helped out a friend, once when he needed a work van. I typed up a promissory note, when it came time to make the payments, he made up excuse after excuse. Eventually, I turned the note over to a collection agency to collect. A real friend would have made attempts to pay me back or made partial payments.

 

I agree with "newlywedder", your friend should have made small or partial payments back to you as a show of "good faith".

 

She is not a true friend and yes, I would continue to ask for my money back. Perhaps make up a repayment schedule that fits her budget and have her sign it.

 

I know I should have gotten something in writing, I guess I just trusted her because we'd been good friends. I just didn't expect this. That's really my fault. The other thing is, in the meantime, she'd taken trips and bought jewelry and things like that, where I've been like ... uh, you obviously have some money somewhere. ... But I don't want to be a jerk about it.

 

I guess I could forgive the loan but I feel like there'd always been this resentment on my end and embarassment on her end.

[bathtub-row]

Trips? Jewelry? I take it back. Don’t forgive the loan.

[Happy Lemming]

The other thing is, in the meantime, she'd taken trips and bought jewelry and things like that, where I've been like ... uh, you obviously have some money somewhere. ... But I don't want to be a jerk about it.

 

I guess I could forgive the loan but I feel like there'd always been this resentment on my end and embarassment on her end.

 

DO NOT FORGIVE THIS LOAN!!

 

If she has the money for trips and jewelry, she has the money to pay you back and NOW!!

 

This is NO friend, how dare she buy shiny baubles and take trips, when she has outstanding obligations.

 

You are not being a jerk, she wasn't a jerk for asking for the money, you aren't a jerk for asking for it back.

 

Contact her... the sooner the better (maybe by e-mail), so you can print out the interaction and have a paper trail. Don't sugar coat it, tell she has an outstanding obligation to you and you NEED to collect on this loan. If possible, put the re-payment schedule in writing in the form of a post-dated promissory note, make her sign it and stick to it.

[Art_Critic]

Hey now.. you can't tell her how to spend her money, you loaning her the money didn't give you that power of control over her...

 

All you can do is either have her pay you or truly forgive the loan..

 

I think deep down you know that loaning her the money meant saying goodbye to it, as such you should do exactly that.. hold no resentment.. it still served the purpose it needed to which was to help get her on her feet..

 

It my late 20's I loaned a girl a couple of thousand, signed a lease for her in an apartment and I also moved her from her STB ex husband as she wasn't in a good state of mind and needed help.

 

I never asked for it back and didn't consider it a loan, it was something I did to help a real friend in need... I would do it all over again...

[KBarletta]

Hey now.. you can't tell her how to spend her money, you loaning her the money didn't give you that power of control over her...

 

All you can do is either have her pay you or truly forgive the loan..

 

I think deep down you know that loaning her the money meant saying goodbye to it, as such you should do exactly that.. hold no resentment.. it still served the purpose it needed to which was to help get her on her feet..

 

It my late 20's I loaned a girl a couple of thousand, signed a lease for her in an apartment and I also moved her from her STB ex husband as she wasn't in a good state of mind and needed help.

 

I never asked for it back and didn't consider it a loan, it was something I did to help a real friend in need... I would do it all over again...

 

I agree it's not my business to tell her how to spend her money, but in the year since this occurred, she's clearly been very free spending, while I've had my share of financial situations that required unexpected expenses, and now I'm to the point where I'm a little strapped and could use the cash. It was a mistake on my part to do the loan in the first place if I expected to get it back. And honestly if she doesn't pay me back I'll probably eventually just forget about it. I just wish people lived up to their obligations, especially when it involves friends.

[Happy Lemming]

It was a mistake on my part to do the loan in the first place if I expected to get it back.

 

The only mistake you made was not getting a Promissory Note when you made the loan.

 

Why is it a mistake to expect a friend to repay a loan?? She didn't say "give me some money" She said "May I borrow some money??"... It was probably followed with "And I promised to pay back every penny"...

[preraph]

Usually people you loan money too start avoiding you to some degree. Tell her if she wants to set you up on an automatic bank transfer of $20 a month until the debt is paid off, that will work for you.

[Art_Critic]

I just wish people lived up to their obligations, especially when it involves friends.

 

Yeah.. I think that is why friends should never loan money to friends/family

In the end someone always feels screwed and it messes up the relationships involved.

 

The only mistake you made was not getting a Promissory Note when you made the loan.

 

Why is it a mistake to expect a friend to repay a loan?? She didn't say "give me some money" She said "May I borrow some money??"... It was probably followed with "And I promised to pay back every penny"...

 

A promissory note does nothing in this case.. it's a couple of hundred bucks, hardly worth the filing costs and time to take her to Judge Judy

 

and the rest is why when you loan money to family and friends that you don't loan it, if they need it you give it..

 

In the end it isn't worth the anxiety, the time spent trying to get it back or the loss of the friendship..

[d0nnivain]

Go back to Hamlet: Never a Borrower or a Lender be. This is what happens it ruins friendships. It's a good rule of thumb not to lend more money then you can afford to give as a gift.

 

 

Whether you forgive the debt or not it's existence &/or the length of time it has taken your "friend" to pay you back has already poisoned your friendship. I did work for a "friend" once. I usually make clients pay in advance. I told him he could pay over time. He never did. I stopped speaking to him. When I'd run into him he'd act all innocent & try to be friendly. In a quiet voice I would remind him that 1). he lied & 2). he screwed me over so I had no interest in ever speaking to him again because with "friends" like him I could not afford enemies.

 

 

In your shoes, I would draft up a promissory note now. Put a payment plan in here, whatever you think is fair $250 per pay check period seems good to me. Take your friend someplace semi-private like a local restaurant & tell her how used & taken advantage of her failure to pay you back has made you feel. Then slide the IOU across the table & tell her to sign & that you expect your money back. If she doesn't sign, I think you have to end the friendship because you have no learned that she is a liar who breaks promises, & can't be trusted. It's a shame that your friendship will blow up over $1,000 but that is what happens.

[whichwayisup]

About a year ago I loaned a close friend and coworker a decent amount of money (several hundred $) so she could afford to leave a bad living arrangement with her young child and move out on her own, which she did. She promised to pay me back within three months. It's been a year.

 

Since then, she's mentioned it a few times, assuring me that she hasn't forgotten, but she also has not made any real effort to pay me back.

 

This is someone I would consider one of my five/six closest friends in the world. I probably should have listened to the old saying about friends and money, but I wanted to help and that's probably my downfall.

 

Now, it's been a year and it's just awkward. I feel like it would affect our friendship if I were to bring it up, and I do still value her as a friend. Also, I think she's probably embarrassed and might distance herself from me if it becomes an issue.

 

I don't want to lose the friendship - it's worth more to me than the money. Also, she's had a lot of bad things going on lately (family members battling life and death diseases, relationship issues, etc.) so I don't want to pile on an already big pile of stress.

 

What would you do?

 

Kiss the money goodbye. I lost a friend, similar situation except no child. She ignored any request of mine to pay me back, (I even said 20 bucks a month) and responded usually with something like "FML, you have no idea how hard it is for me..." stuff like that. Of course I didn't push and continued to be friends with her. I'd see her posting about a big shopping spree and taking a little trip. I backed off and stopped talking to her. FF 4 years later no no friendship (my choice) though my family and friends think I should have gotten the money back.

 

Look at this way, you helped her during a tough time and at that time it meant a lot. Just not enough to pay you back.

 

People who borrow money from others and aren't good with their finances rarely pay back. It's up to you to decide to continue a friendship with her and never lend her anything again, if you can handle having her in your life without feeling resentment.

[Happy Lemming]

A promissory note does nothing in this case.. it's a couple of hundred bucks, hardly worth the filing costs and time to take her to Judge Judy

 

 

I think you misunderstood my post. I turned over my delinquent promissory note over to a collection agency. I did not file in small claims court. They take a percentage of what they collect. I don't remember if there was a minimum amount for the debt, this was many years ago.

 

They were able to collect on the van loan, that I had made to a "friend"; and I received my money (less their collection fee).

[JDJ]

I feel for you KBarletta. I too learned the "don't lend friends money" lesson the hard way. I lent a friend $2000 at a time that I had just received a one-time bonus of a few thousand. He had money troubles and wanted the money to move across country and start over. Was going to pay back, blah blah blah

Red flag was that he couldn't get the money anywhere else, not even his parents. We were both around age 30 at the time. He was a "good friend" - we had spent a lot of time together over many years through high school, college, and grad school.

 

Almost two years passed. I reminded him a bit - he was still getting on his feet. Then I went through my divorce and my own financial issues. I wrote to him (in the snail mail days) saying that if there was any time to send some money, it was now. He sent $500, still pleading poverty.

 

More time passed. I remarried. Then he was going to get married - a "destination wedding" requiring a moderately expensive trip. I thought since he owed me $1500 he might at least offer to buy my plane ticket. Then I realized there was no way I was going to put this trip on my credit card and worsen my family's finances for this guy who owed me money. I had been in denial up to that point, and had kept the image of "friend" in my mind, while pushing away the "owes me money" part by barely bringing it up any more. Then I was pissed because I was missing my friend's wedding for this reason.

 

I never told him anything, just drifted away. What could I do? Tell him after 6-7 years that I had finally decided he was a deadbeat? He bought a house, recorded music, so there was money somewhere. He sent Christmas cards - eventually I stopped reading them and just shook the contents to see if there was a check inside. There never was.

 

After I rejoined Facebook recently, my old friends found me. There he was too. I accepted his friend request - I had already accepted the others in that circle, and it would have been too obvious if I declined him. But there is no actual communication between us.

 

I don't need the money, but since $1500 would still make a difference in my life, and every time I think about the guy I can't help but mutter "deadbeat" to myself, that friendship is dead. Seeing him turn up on Facebook is irritating, like an old scar twingeing in bad weather.

 

I have read about the psychology of the debtor. That they make excuses to themselves and ultimately end up believing a remade version of the truth. He probably thinks because he gave me some of the money, and because I stopped bugging him about it, that somehow I am OK with that. But I don't want to excavate all of that with him, because he made himself into someone unreliable and unworthy to me.

 

Other posters give good advice. You just have to grieve the loss of the friendship, and accept that you made a mistake. Unless you are really the forgiving type and can understand and like the person even if they did that to you.

[ChatroomHero]

Honestly, I've always heard that you should never ever loan friends money unless you are truly OK with never getting it back .

 

Bottom line....if you do loan money....get it in writing.....

 

I think you should forgive this loan .

 

 

This is exactly how I view it. When I was younger I would loan friends money, not a lot, maybe $100 or $200, but I never got it back. A couple weeks later when we are at the bar I'd see them pay a $25 bar tab and think, why didn't they pay me $25?

 

 

If I asked, it was always an excuse and usually they would get outwardly mad (probably actually embarrassed) at me. These were good friends otherwise.

 

 

What I learned was it is the same with most people, friends, family... I don't lend people money. Either I give to them or I don't. I don't count on ever getting it back, so if it is a problem, I just say no. I don't think people try to not pay it back or in most cases are not bad friends or bad people, it just is what it is.

 

 

If she is a single mom, kids, needs to borrow money...unless she gets another job with a big raise, she will never "be able" to find extra money in her budget to pay you back. If she is a good friend otherwise, it's ok to forgive her and just let it go.

[Rockdad]

 

Other posters give good advice. You just have to grieve the loss of the friendship, and accept that you made a mistake. Unless you are really the forgiving type and can understand and like the person even if they did that to you.

 

 

I couldn't have said it better

[KBarletta]

Thanks everybody for your thoughtful comments. I am leaning toward just trying to forget about the money. I went through a divorce a few years ago and I am honestly still trying to get my finances back in order after that "implosion" - so this $$ would really come in handy in that regard.

 

But ... I've also thought, friends are hard to find. And even though she's failed to pay me back, I still value her in my life in other ways. I just won't be lending her any money or picking up any bills in the future. But I'd rather have her in my life an be out some money than lose a friend and maybe still not have the money. LOL.

 

I think I can manage to lose any resentment I might feel toward her over time. Then, if the money does come back, it'll just be a happy surprise.

[d0nnivain]

KBarlatta

 

You are a more generous person then I am.

[preraph]

I'd be telling her to get a second job. I also might consider making a fake social media account and telling her on Facebook you heard she takes advantage of friends and doesn't repay them when she borrows money. I mean, people do have a right to know. But sounds like you want to keep her.

 

The other thing you can do is tell her you just had to give your family some money for medical bills and really need her to repay you now because (good naturedly) now you're in the same fix she was when you loaned her money. If she says she doesn't have it, say, "When do you get paid?"

[Art_Critic]

KBarlatt.....^5

 

That to me is how you should handle it, what a guy you are...