quicksand

[d0nnivain]

I'm still having trouble maintaining proper distance from a friend who's life is falling apart.

 

Here's some of the back story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/625841-how-maintain-proper-emotional-distance

 

She did manage to get a good job at the beginning of the year but lost it after 6 weeks. Although I can't diagnose it, I am now convinced there is mental illness in here some where that I can't help her through.

 

Two days ago her old beat up junker car died. Thank heavens she made it safely to the side of the road & was able to get rescued. Another friend called AAA & got her car towed. Apparently she understood the mechanic to agree to accept $50 down & monthly payments to get it fixed. I drove her to the garage last night & she dissolved into hysterical tears when the mechanic denied saying that & demanded 1/2 of the money to release her car. She was able to cobble it together but now has about $100 to her name.

 

DH & I previously loaned her money. To pay us back she does odd jobs around our house. She still hasn't paid it off. Saturday night we treated her to a St. Patrick's Day party; we bought her ticket for dinner & all the beer wine & soda you can drink. I'm not insensitive to her money troubles but how much is too much? Her family has basically abandoned her.

 

I'm scared to death of what will happen when she finally runs out of legal options to save her house.

 

I told her to come over & I'd make her dinner. She ended up sleeping on my couch & is still here. I want her to leave because I have things to do.

 

Is there a way to help without getting sucked in too deep?

[Art_Critic]

5 months ago she was 3 weeks from having her house padlocked.. what happened ?

 

It seems to me that she has been reeling from losing her Daughter and has never found a way to come back from that.

The house thing has also made it all worse.

 

She hasn't been able to make those obligations but lives there anyhow on someone elses dime... the banks

 

It seems you and your husband have already setup fairly good boundaries but she is still in need of help.

 

I think she needs to get out of that house, maybe it's a ghost house tied to her Daughter and is dragging her down.. maybe that is why she lost her good new job after 6 weeks.

 

I would think if you want to help her further that you need to have her explain her 6 month to one year game plan to you.. if she hasn't got one she needs to get one and stick to making it a reality.

 

Why has her family abandoned her ? losing a Daughter has to be huge in the scheme of all of this and her Family not helping her makes her loss even greater.

 

Is there a Family avenue that exists ? do you have any of their contact info ?

[Happy Lemming]

Personally, I think you have done enough for this person.

 

She still hasn't paid off the previous loan.

 

And now she is on your couch and doesn't want to leave... Politely tell her it is time to go.

 

Whatever her issues are, she needs to fix them herself. I do believe you can help an individual too much.

 

If she does get evicted from her home, then she'll have to rent a room or a studio apartment.

 

I remember when my girlfriend was losing her apartment. She wanted me to take her in, to which I said "NO". I got on my computer and printed out all the studio apartments in the area and made her call every single one of them. In the end, she looked at two of them and signed a lease on the nicer one. I did move her stuff to the new "cheaper" apartment, but I made her do the leg work.

[healing light]

I do think you already have done enough, especially if you suspect there is a mental disorder here, as you don't want to end up with another person in your home that drives a wedge in your marriage.

 

Here is what I suggest:

 

-Can you find local social services for her? Set her up with a social worker or anything like that? Maybe there would be someone or an organization better suited to help her find a job and turn her life back around.

 

-Perhaps you could start a GoFundMe or contact a local restaurant to do a benefit fundraiser for her? Where a percentage of the meals eaten that night go toward saving her home? Sometimes I see restaurants in my area reserve a night to help raise funds for someone with chronic illness, etc.

 

-Ask a local church to set up a collection for her or help her out with supplies for food pantry items, etc.

 

-Look for a Buy Nothing group (if you have a chapter in your area) on Facebook and reach out to its members to see if anyone has extra food items, clothing, etc. that they wouldn't mind giving away to her cause. One in my area recently collected similar items for a woman who has fallen upon tough times.

 

-Keep your charitable activities outside of your home so you don't have unwanted guests sleeping over. Sounds terrible, but I would be careful of the slippery slope you create with that.

Edited March 22, 2018 by healing light

[2much4]

Sometimes you just have to accept there's nothing you can do.

 

It's sad, but you can't be close with someone without being dragged into their mess yourself.

[preraph]

One of her options is to move in with three roommates to she can affford a roof until she gets another good job. Since her car is on its last leg, she should look for a place with roommates that is very near a business district where she could get to work.

 

The problem here is she is disabled mentally because of depression that isn't something a pill will solve, though it might help. I am stunned, stunned, that she doesn't have some family that will take her in. She does have that son, and someone needs to be sure he knows how dire her circumstances are. For all we know, she may still be giving him money! If not and he is self-sufficient, he should let her sleep on the couch no matter how unweildy this is for him. I cannot imagine her other family are so cold blooded that after one of theirs loses a child, they won't help. I just can't imagine it.

 

She's incapable of organizing herself, it seems, so you can help with that. Look on a roommate app and save her the disappointment of seeing that most situations aren't for her age or whatever and write down a few you see that might work.

 

Also, here is an idea. Why can't she be someone's live-in nanny? Will that be too painful? Is she a crap mother? If not, this could be the answer at least for now. So also check ads for that or get her signed up to a nanny service. I know this is all more than you have time for, but if you want to help, this may be a road to a place to live and an income. Live-in nannies make good money! She can come visit the pets.

 

It's good she had enough oomph to get one good job, even if she lost it.

 

I hope you find a way. You're good to have done as much as you have when no one else in her life apparently will, though I still really wonder if she's being honest about her family being this worthless. I think it's something she doesn't want to do, which is understandable, but not good enough in her dire situation. I can't imagine any close relative would run her out if she showed up unless she has had substance problems in the past or something like that.

 

As far as living with yourself and getting distance, all you can do is all you can do, and after that, try to be at peace about it.

Edited March 22, 2018 by preraph

[d0nnivain]

Healing light Thanks for the info about the Buy Nothing group. That sounds right up her alley. She finds things on the side of the road & resells them for cash.

 

Today she told me that she drove one of her sisters to an eye doctor. Apparently something happened & that woman is in danger of going blind. It made me feel better to know that there is some local family that she is in touch with.

 

She told me her son is aware of the foreclosure. I have no idea what else he knows but he's not stupid so he has to be aware that there are issues.

 

All I can really do at this point is listen & pray. I'm unwilling to do much more.

[preraph]

I hate to say great, but Great, maybe her sister will need help, someone to live with her.

[Happy Lemming]

At some point, down the road, I would still remind her that there is a balance on the loan that is owed to you.

 

I do think people, especially friends, need to pay off their loans. In my opinion, it keeps things even and civil. Plus she made a promise to pay it back, it wasn't a gift, she should keep her word.

 

Just my two cents...

[d0nnivain]

The loan is being repaid in kind, through services, not cash. I have to come up with something for her to do. I think I'll use her services for a big "spring cleaning." She's an honorable person even if she can't hold a job.