I don't think I have any hope of making friends

[PKrueger24]

I live in Montreal, which is obviously known as perhaps the funnest city in Canada and indeed near the top in all of North America. I went to a rave last night because one nightclub in particular is known holding amazing raves, and so I assumed buying my ticket ahead of time online would prevent me from wimping put at the last minute.*

 

I got there early and hoped to perhaps socialize with some others, but I was horrified. I saw a group of guys who seemed interesting, but had no idea what to say. I mean, if I approach them and say 'Nice shirt, dude,' I worry they may think I'm gay and hitting on them, or even that I'm so weird that they'll just laugh at and humiliate me. And if I see a woman I'd like to approach, I worry she'll outright reject me or immrdiately shoot me down with 'I'm here with my boyfriend.'*

 

I'd guess about 300 people attended the rave and I didn't talk to one of them. I'm certain every interaction will end in rejection and humiliation and I just can't make myself do it. I didn't even dance to the live music because I worry people will just think I'm a worthless loser and an idiot. Some people have saif having a drink helps with the anxiety, but I don't drink because I'd rather not spend more money and because I have anorexia and don't want to drink a bunch of calories (and yes I'm male)*

 

So I feel I wasted what could have been a fun night and missed out on meeting people, but it's just horrifying for me to risk rejection.*

 

Any way of coping ?

[MsJayne]

It's very difficult going out to socialise on your own. Apart from the worry of being rejected, these days you also have to be careful you don't get caught up with creepy people. Especially at places like raves where drugs are freely available and encouraged.

I suggest talking to a professional counselor. You have anorexia so obviously there's things going on with you that are worrying you to the point of making you ill, and you have severe social anxiety. Sounds like the two are connected. It's time to get proper help.

[snowboy91]

I got there early and hoped to perhaps socialize with some others, but I was horrified. I saw a group of guys who seemed interesting, but had no idea what to say. I mean, if I approach them and say 'Nice shirt, dude,' I worry they may think I'm gay and hitting on them, or even that I'm so weird that they'll just laugh at and humiliate me. And if I see a woman I'd like to approach, I worry she'll outright reject me or immrdiately shoot me down with 'I'm here with my boyfriend.'*

 

I'd guess about 300 people attended the rave and I didn't talk to one of them. I'm certain every interaction will end in rejection and humiliation and I just can't make myself do it. I didn't even dance to the live music because I worry people will just think I'm a worthless loser and an idiot. Some people have saif having a drink helps with the anxiety, but I don't drink because I'd rather not spend more money and because I have anorexia and don't want to drink a bunch of calories (and yes I'm male)*

 

What I seem to be seeing here is a form of social anxiety - your fear is of what might happen when you approach people, rather than anything that happened on the night. Have you had negative experiences before when going to meet people?

 

Trying to turn up to a social event alone, especially a rave, is already intimidating for most people - when I was in a similar situation to you (almost no friends and trying to meet new people) I felt exactly the same way. Unfortunately no matter what you do, someone isn't going to like what you're doing. If you stay by yourself, people will think you're awkward, a weirdo or worse, a creep. If you try and meet people, they *might* think you're hitting on them, or they think you're awkward anyway.

 

Out of those two options, one of them will actually give you practice at talking to people. And being a big city, you probably won't see any of those 300 people again anyway, so you actually have a lot less to lose than you realise - talk to people anyway, and if they think you're hitting on them, tell them you're not. Which is the truth anyway! And as for the dancing... in my books, as long as you don't look drunk when you're dancing (which you won't if you're not drinking) you're all good. If you look like you actually know how to dance... that's 100 times better! And it's a potential conversation starter

 

Overall, confidence is key. People like confident people, because it's surprising how many people feel scared in social situations (and wish that they were more confident!)

[maxi105]

hi pk24/ there is always hope of making friends, you just have to go do things that you like to do as it can be a start of a conversation, also if you do things that you've never done that can also be a start of a conversation as you can let people know that you are not sure etc...you need help, youre enjoying this event etc....people generally do like to talk about things in that way, however I do agree that you also have to watch out for people that may have a hidden motive.

 

 

maybe your goal was a bit too high for where you are emotionally at the moment, but that doesn't mean that in the future of if you meet up with a friend you cant go back and enjoy another rave, maybe next time try going to something more low key or local then you may not feel so disapointed if it doesn't go as you'd hoped.

 

 

I admire the fact that you did something ALOT, its easy to just talk about how things need to change and then not doing anything about changing them, so good on ya there.

 

 

there will be other things that you can do, this wasn't the last rave on earth...was it!!!!! , no course not, but if you do have anxiety problems or other health issues that may be making you feel pretty sensitive at the moment then it might be worth talking it through with people that can help you see things in a way that you can move forward and feel a part of society a bit easier without the worry.

 

 

there's nothing wrong in going to a place on your own, or chatting to folks when you get there. the sad thing is people are more secure when they are in groups and they are influenced by the people they are with and their views and comments etc, so If you wanna go out on your own that's ok, and for all those that do that its a sign that they have courage and don't always need others clinging to them, they are strong and don't always need the approval of their little groups. nothing wrong in that.

 

 

but if going out alone is making you feel even lonelier, then leave it till a day when you are feeling stronger in yourself otherwise if you do meat people who may give you funny looks or you are feeling nervous around them they will get under your psyche more and that will make you feel worse.

 

 

im sure you are a good person, so talk it through either with professionals or those that know you WELL and love you and see what they have to say about it all, that's where your'e going to get the best advice from on this one I think.

 

 

also don't force yourself out because you fear you are missing out on stuff, there are always things going on somewhere. maybe think of a club to join or a hobby, you can meet people instantly and it might take some of the pressure you are feeling off you.

 

 

best wishes, maxi. another quick thought, could you do a bit of voluntary work? you'd be giving something back and maybe get to build your social skills a bit more if you need to brush them up or are a bit shy.

 

 

people in groups will vary on the groups, some will be great fun to talk to, others will make you feel like an outsider to keep you on the outside, but one thing is for sure, once your confidence and health return (and if you work on these things they can return) then you will get to meet people and start to form good friendships, and then you yourself will be part of a group.

 

 

KEEP WORKING ON THINGS IF YOU NEED TO, and maybe use local online groups if it will help or there are things locally you are interested in.

 

 

very best of luck to you. Maxi