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Do you see friends as part of your personal life?


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I do not want a certain ex-friend (a covert narcissist) to know about my real friendships - am I ok to just turn her nosiness into a jokey guessing game at a dinner party? she had nearly poached a friend, so am cynical (and churned up inside) about her principles

 

I think it will do as a deflection from an intrusion into my life....

 

any other ideas on deflection?

 

are your friendships part of your personal life?

Edited by darkmoon
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Just be vague, avoid her when possible. Don't talk about her or talk to her about your life. Walk away.

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LivingWaterPlease
I do not want a certain ex-friend (a covert narcissist) to know about my real friendships - am I ok to just turn her nosiness into a jokey guessing game at a dinner party? she had nearly poached a friend, so am cynical (and churned up inside) about her principles

 

I think it will do as a deflection from an intrusion into my life....

 

any other ideas on deflection?

 

are your friendships part of your personal life?

 

Yes, my friendships are part of my personal life. I just choose not to interact at all with people who seem not to have integrity, unless it's just to smile and greet them when our paths cross. Then I move on.

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we will be eating out, I will be stuck dining with her and others, some friends of us both, some new to us both

Edited by darkmoon
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Yes, my friends are a part of my personal life, and by that I mean they're no one else's business.

 

I don't go to work and talk about who I know, who I'm dating, who my friends are... I just don't. And if there are proven destructive people around me who might seek ways to cause harm to those relationships... I'm extra guarded. No way would I be having dinner with my real friends and a narcissist! Just would not happen.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
we will be eating out, I will be stuck dining with her and others, some friends of us both, some new to us both

 

So you're afraid this woman is going to be digging for personal details about your mutual friends? Just say, "you'd have to ask her about that" if she asks you something you don't want to answer.

 

She probably won't, though.

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todreaminblue

i dont understand how true friendships aren't part of anyone's life.....what i do know darkmoon si we dont own our friends ...so they cant be poached...if a friend decides to be friends with another of my friends that isnt a bad thing in my book in fact its preferable....if i thought a side of one of my friends was a risk of possibly hurting another friend.....i go defense mode and dont let it happen ...i warn the risky friend .....i am a soft person ....but this is my boundary and if a friend crosses it and hurts another...im not soft....

 

 

i don't care who my friends are with or who they know as long as the friends i introduce to each other respect and value the person i introduce them too if they value my friendship that is..they can either be friends or not be friends but respect and understanding is important to me in friends i have.......and i havent had a problem in this regard....

 

i am a protective friend and not a jealous one......as far as narcissism goes most narcissists are damaged and hurt inside.....narcissism is a self protection mechanism a barrier to knowing the person who they are actually are.....i have found in my experience extreme personalities have had extreme lives....and they are harder to love....as in the effort in forgiveness goes...they can handle bluntness ...and i can be blunt when i need to be.i have hard core friends who show my softer friends respect and courtesy ...its my must do........or else...they better be prepared... they wont like like what i have to say.......they dont push my boundary on that..deb.......

Edited by todreaminblue
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CautiouslyOptimistic
one of them is dead, so I can not direct the narc to her

 

Well, she won't be asking you how she's doing then.

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i dont understand how true friendships aren't part of anyone's life.....what i do know darkmoon si we dont own our friends ...so they cant be poached...if a friend decides to be friends with another of my friends that isnt a bad thing in my book in fact its preferable....if i thought a side of one of my friends was a risk of possibly hurting another friend.....i go defense mode and dont let it happen ...i warn the risky friend .....i am a soft person ....but this is my boundary and if a friend crosses it and hurts another...im not soft....

 

 

i don't care who my friends are with or who they know as long as the friends i introduce to each other respect and value the person i introduce them too if they value my friendship that is..they can either be friends or not be friends but respect and understanding is important to me in friends i have.......and i havent had a problem in this regard....

 

i am a protective friend and not a jealous one......as far as narcissism goes most narcissists are damaged and hurt inside.....narcissism is a self protection mechanism a barrier to knowing the person who they are actually are.....i have found in my experience extreme personalities have had extreme lives....and they are harder to love....as in the effort in forgiveness goes...they can handle bluntness ...and i can be blunt when i need to be...deb.......

 

We don't own our friends but you have to be sensible and not invite unnecessary drama into your circle by inviting a few sharks in... I mean, why would you?

 

I don't tell my friends who to hang out with by any means, but I'm still not going to spread my business around to people who don't need to know it... tell them who my friends are, etc. etc. That's just stupid. You have to have your own personal boundaries, it's not about controlling anyone. And you need those boundaries especially if you're dealing with narcissists. I've dealt with them. I know what I'm talking about.

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LivingWaterPlease
we will be eating out, I will be stuck dining with her and others, some friends of us both, some new to us both

 

Well, you can't control that then. Seems to me in many groups we may find ourselves a part of, such as your dinner group, there may be people you don't want to get too much into revealing personal things around for various reasons. You can just guard your words, but still be kind and have a good time! You don't have to book lunch dates with the person. Just use your own good judgment about what to reveal and be kind to everyone!

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We don't own our friends but you have to be sensible and not invite unnecessary drama into your circle by inviting a few sharks in... I mean, why would you?

 

I don't tell my friends who to hang out with by any means, but I'm still not going to spread my business around to people who don't need to know it... tell them who my friends are, etc. etc. That's just stupid. You have to have your own personal boundaries, it's not about controlling anyone. And you need those boundaries especially if you're dealing with narcissists. I've dealt with them. I know what I'm talking about.

 

I have no control over the evening, I know the narc will want the triumph, and will accuse me of being toxic in public, she may look silly doing so at a party, but am sensitive and sincerely done with her

 

say something, anything, to me, about how to handle her nosiness, and then her toxic accusation when I try to deflect

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I have no control over the evening, I know the narc will want the triumph, and will accuse me of being toxic in public, she may look silly doing so at a party, but am sensitive and sincerely done with her

 

say something, anything, to me, about how to handle her nosiness, and then her toxic accusation when I try to deflect

 

Is your attendance mandatory at this dinner? Do you even want to go?

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Is your attendance mandatory at this dinner? Do you even want to go?

 

yer, am thinking of throwing a sickie, but I know the narc will turn up at my most fave friend's flat one day, this is the one she tried to steal, and so I told the narc (privately in an assertive text) to visit her on one of the week-nights, and I will visit her Saturday nights... she has six nights to pick from, which is good enough, I do not want to play 3 Musketeers with them any more

 

then the row will be contained and I can just watch TV and tell her to talk to our mutual friend, since it is her she is visiting, be that boring grey rock

Edited by darkmoon
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todreaminblue
We don't own our friends but you have to be sensible and not invite unnecessary drama into your circle by inviting a few sharks in... I mean, why would you?

 

I don't tell my friends who to hang out with by any means, but I'm still not going to spread my business around to people who don't need to know it... tell them who my friends are, etc. etc. That's just stupid. You have to have your own personal boundaries, it's not about controlling anyone. And you need those boundaries especially if you're dealing with narcissists. I've dealt with them. I know what I'm talking about.

 

 

true that....i have boundaries........but often when i have sharks in my home and my dolphin/penguin friends come over.......my sharks actually like dolphins and penguins.....and take on their characteristics...its rather ...good to see.....my shark friends dont have rows of teeth ...i just tell them to behave ro they lose their teeth....and pretty much...they do behave...they know that i love my dolphin penguin friends ........or if they dont want to hang with dolphins....they leave..my boundaries are secure....and if i had to rely on there being no drama or no sharks in my waters.......i wouldn't ever have penguin friends or dolphin friends....and i dont think thats fair at all...because i love my friends and my life would really suck without them.....i would like to feel that if they didnt have me around.....they might miss me too....that i bring who i am to the table for them....and my table is awesome...

 

 

besides dolphins are known to kill sharks ....quite effectively...dolphins are not turtles...and penguins are fast little birds........

 

 

real life is full of deep water and sharks penguins dolphins and my personal favourite whales...i am a blue whale a fat one.... ..i have survived killer whales..and really deep water...and i dont do shallows...sharks come there anyway..you just have to learn how to swim...especially ....penguins and dolphins need to know people arent all the same....drama or no drama...friends are friends and true friends ...stay.........and ill be there my life guard self...we all have one life to live.....and i wont limit mine to an aquarium with floaties on thinking yeah how warm and soft is this water.........my true friends can swim as i would swim for them....even with drama in their lives/....ill be there if they need me............deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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LivingWaterPlease
I have no control over the evening, I know the narc will want the triumph, and will accuse me of being toxic in public, she may look silly doing so at a party, but am sensitive and sincerely done with her

 

say something, anything, to me, about how to handle her nosiness, and then her toxic accusation when I try to deflect

 

One way to handle a rude comment is to say nothing. Just let the rude comment hang in the air and reverberate for all to absorb! Lol! Sometimes people are rude and count on others to try to smooth things over so that an awkward situation doesn't escalate in front of everyone. But, if you meet a rude comment with silence and turn to someone else to join their convo or ask a question, rude lady doesn't get her way.

 

Another thing you can say is, "Why would you ask me that?" And let her scramble to explain why. If she gives out a dorky explanation just say, "Oh...I see," then turn and walk away or if you're at the table turn to someone else and begin talking or listening to what they're talking about.

 

You can also say something funny such as, "That's personal information I'm saving for my book but when it's published you'll have your answer!" And just look her straight in the eyes and smile with a twinkle in your eyes!

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I just want to learn how many people see - "the how long have you know other people" - questions as nosy ones,

Edited by darkmoon
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CautiouslyOptimistic
I just want to learn how many people see - "the how long have you know other people" - questions as nosy ones,

 

That's not nosey to me. It's just something to say in conversation. I guess I would ask you why you think it's nosey and why is that something you wouldn't want people to know?

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That's not nosey to me. It's just something to say in conversation. I guess I would ask you why you think it's nosey and why is that something you wouldn't want people to know?

 

I am dealing with a narc who nearly stole a close friend, once bitten twice shy, no more info for her, just boundary-setting now

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LivingWaterPlease
am so mixed up, to make a stand in my fave friend's flat, is going to be easier, can eff her off on the way to public transport

 

but this is all to be waited for, and the waiting is stresful

 

So sorry, darkmoon. It's easy to throw out answers for you here in our posts but I know when you're the one facing the situation, it can feel really stressful.

 

Listen, I don't want to preach to you, and don't know whether or not you believe in God, but in these kinds of things I always pray that God will go before me and smooth the way. I tell Him that I can't handle it and I need Him to figure it out. Then I leave it in His hands and count on Him to handle it. And He always does. I had such an experience this past weekend.

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I am dealing with a narc who nearly stole a close friend, once bitten twice shy, no more info for her, just boundary-setting now

 

either at a dinner party of a flat

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I am dealing with a narc who nearly stole a close friend, once bitten twice shy, no more info for her, just boundary-setting now

 

OK, but your question was whether or not "how long have you known X?" was a nosey one. It isn't normally, that's my opinion.

 

It sounds like any question this woman asked you would be taken as being too nosey, though, so you're probably best to just keep your distance. If you two don't get along, she probably will stay away from you as well.

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OK, but your question was whether or not "how long have you known X?" was a nosey one. It isn't normally, that's my opinion.

 

It sounds like any question this woman asked you would be taken as being too nosey, though, so you're probably best to just keep your distance. If you two don't get along, she probably will stay away from you as well.

 

^^^this^^^

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todreaminblue
I just want to learn how many people see - "the how long have you know other people" - questions as nosy ones,

 

 

its not nosey darkmoon.....but you feel its invasive because you are maybe on edge and not comfortable with this friend being around your other friends..its an average and common question to ask...deb..

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