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Do you see friends as part of your personal life?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 5th March 2018, 6:34 PM   #1
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Do you see friends as part of your personal life?

I do not want a certain ex-friend (a covert narcissist) to know about my real friendships - am I ok to just turn her nosiness into a jokey guessing game at a dinner party? she had nearly poached a friend, so am cynical (and churned up inside) about her principles

I think it will do as a deflection from an intrusion into my life....

any other ideas on deflection?

are your friendships part of your personal life?

Last edited by darkmoon; 5th March 2018 at 6:39 PM..
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Old 5th March 2018, 6:52 PM   #2
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Just be vague, avoid her when possible. Don't talk about her or talk to her about your life. Walk away.
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Old 5th March 2018, 7:05 PM   #3
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I do not want a certain ex-friend (a covert narcissist) to know about my real friendships - am I ok to just turn her nosiness into a jokey guessing game at a dinner party? she had nearly poached a friend, so am cynical (and churned up inside) about her principles

I think it will do as a deflection from an intrusion into my life....

any other ideas on deflection?

are your friendships part of your personal life?
Yes, my friendships are part of my personal life. I just choose not to interact at all with people who seem not to have integrity, unless it's just to smile and greet them when our paths cross. Then I move on.
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Old 5th March 2018, 7:05 PM   #4
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we will be eating out, I will be stuck dining with her and others, some friends of us both, some new to us both

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Old 5th March 2018, 7:45 PM   #5
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Doesn't mean you have to talk to her one-on-one. Just be polite and don't let her corner you.
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Old 5th March 2018, 7:46 PM   #6
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Yes, my friends are a part of my personal life, and by that I mean they're no one else's business.

I don't go to work and talk about who I know, who I'm dating, who my friends are... I just don't. And if there are proven destructive people around me who might seek ways to cause harm to those relationships... I'm extra guarded. No way would I be having dinner with my real friends and a narcissist! Just would not happen.
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Old 5th March 2018, 7:51 PM   #7
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we will be eating out, I will be stuck dining with her and others, some friends of us both, some new to us both
So you're afraid this woman is going to be digging for personal details about your mutual friends? Just say, "you'd have to ask her about that" if she asks you something you don't want to answer.

She probably won't, though.
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Old 5th March 2018, 8:06 PM   #8
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one of them is dead, so I can not direct the narc to her
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Old 5th March 2018, 8:06 PM   #9
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i dont understand how true friendships aren't part of anyone's life.....what i do know darkmoon si we dont own our friends ...so they cant be poached...if a friend decides to be friends with another of my friends that isnt a bad thing in my book in fact its preferable....if i thought a side of one of my friends was a risk of possibly hurting another friend.....i go defense mode and dont let it happen ...i warn the risky friend .....i am a soft person ....but this is my boundary and if a friend crosses it and hurts another...im not soft....


i don't care who my friends are with or who they know as long as the friends i introduce to each other respect and value the person i introduce them too if they value my friendship that is..they can either be friends or not be friends but respect and understanding is important to me in friends i have.......and i havent had a problem in this regard....

i am a protective friend and not a jealous one......as far as narcissism goes most narcissists are damaged and hurt inside.....narcissism is a self protection mechanism a barrier to knowing the person who they are actually are.....i have found in my experience extreme personalities have had extreme lives....and they are harder to love....as in the effort in forgiveness goes...they can handle bluntness ...and i can be blunt when i need to be.i have hard core friends who show my softer friends respect and courtesy ...its my must do........or else...they better be prepared... they wont like like what i have to say.......they dont push my boundary on that..deb.......
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Old 5th March 2018, 8:12 PM   #10
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one of them is dead, so I can not direct the narc to her
Well, she won't be asking you how she's doing then.
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Old 5th March 2018, 8:13 PM   #11
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i dont understand how true friendships aren't part of anyone's life.....what i do know darkmoon si we dont own our friends ...so they cant be poached...if a friend decides to be friends with another of my friends that isnt a bad thing in my book in fact its preferable....if i thought a side of one of my friends was a risk of possibly hurting another friend.....i go defense mode and dont let it happen ...i warn the risky friend .....i am a soft person ....but this is my boundary and if a friend crosses it and hurts another...im not soft....


i don't care who my friends are with or who they know as long as the friends i introduce to each other respect and value the person i introduce them too if they value my friendship that is..they can either be friends or not be friends but respect and understanding is important to me in friends i have.......and i havent had a problem in this regard....

i am a protective friend and not a jealous one......as far as narcissism goes most narcissists are damaged and hurt inside.....narcissism is a self protection mechanism a barrier to knowing the person who they are actually are.....i have found in my experience extreme personalities have had extreme lives....and they are harder to love....as in the effort in forgiveness goes...they can handle bluntness ...and i can be blunt when i need to be...deb.......
We don't own our friends but you have to be sensible and not invite unnecessary drama into your circle by inviting a few sharks in... I mean, why would you?

I don't tell my friends who to hang out with by any means, but I'm still not going to spread my business around to people who don't need to know it... tell them who my friends are, etc. etc. That's just stupid. You have to have your own personal boundaries, it's not about controlling anyone. And you need those boundaries especially if you're dealing with narcissists. I've dealt with them. I know what I'm talking about.
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Old 5th March 2018, 8:20 PM   #12
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we will be eating out, I will be stuck dining with her and others, some friends of us both, some new to us both
Well, you can't control that then. Seems to me in many groups we may find ourselves a part of, such as your dinner group, there may be people you don't want to get too much into revealing personal things around for various reasons. You can just guard your words, but still be kind and have a good time! You don't have to book lunch dates with the person. Just use your own good judgment about what to reveal and be kind to everyone!
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Old 5th March 2018, 8:20 PM   #13
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We don't own our friends but you have to be sensible and not invite unnecessary drama into your circle by inviting a few sharks in... I mean, why would you?

I don't tell my friends who to hang out with by any means, but I'm still not going to spread my business around to people who don't need to know it... tell them who my friends are, etc. etc. That's just stupid. You have to have your own personal boundaries, it's not about controlling anyone. And you need those boundaries especially if you're dealing with narcissists. I've dealt with them. I know what I'm talking about.
I have no control over the evening, I know the narc will want the triumph, and will accuse me of being toxic in public, she may look silly doing so at a party, but am sensitive and sincerely done with her

say something, anything, to me, about how to handle her nosiness, and then her toxic accusation when I try to deflect
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Old 5th March 2018, 8:26 PM   #14
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I have no control over the evening, I know the narc will want the triumph, and will accuse me of being toxic in public, she may look silly doing so at a party, but am sensitive and sincerely done with her

say something, anything, to me, about how to handle her nosiness, and then her toxic accusation when I try to deflect
Is your attendance mandatory at this dinner? Do you even want to go?
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Old 5th March 2018, 8:34 PM   #15
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Is your attendance mandatory at this dinner? Do you even want to go?
yer, am thinking of throwing a sickie, but I know the narc will turn up at my most fave friend's flat one day, this is the one she tried to steal, and so I told the narc (privately in an assertive text) to visit her on one of the week-nights, and I will visit her Saturday nights... she has six nights to pick from, which is good enough, I do not want to play 3 Musketeers with them any more

then the row will be contained and I can just watch TV and tell her to talk to our mutual friend, since it is her she is visiting, be that boring grey rock

Last edited by darkmoon; 5th March 2018 at 8:36 PM..
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