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Is this controlling?


HumanMachine

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Friend’s situation, would be interested in your thoughts..

 

Friend and his long term girlfriend split up due to her emotionally cheating. 2 months after break up ex contacts friend pouring her heart out, realised that she was wrong and would never do it again. Friend is the love of her life etc etc.

 

They meet for a coffee, friend says he will give ex a chance based on one condition - no male friends. Ex agrees and says she’s not interested, only needs my friend as the male in her life blah blah.

 

1 month on and she becomes friendly with a personal trainer at the gym, chat occasionally and follow each other on social media. Friend tells her he’s not cool with it and she is to make a choice, him or the pt.

 

Ex (i may as well refer to her as this) kicks up a fuss and says my friend is controlling and won’t choose.

 

Obviously I am biased because he’s a good friend but I feel like he’s right and she’s wrong. He said how it would be from the start and she agreed. If she had disagreed my friend would not have given her a chance.

 

Thoughts LS?

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CommittedToThis

Obviously your friend needs to walk away and never look back. He said no male friends, she agreed, she reneged.

 

Not only did she renege, she's gas-lighting him by making the issue about control rather than about her not seeing other males.

 

Dump city, no questions asked, no looking back. Dodge the bullet while it's still an option.

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No male friends is a bit overboard, BUT I can see where a trainer would be threatening to any guy. Nonetheless if she agreed to it and reneged, they are not going to endure. Everyone should be able to have an opposite sex friend IF they are truly a friend and not if either of them are carrying a torch for the other. So the rational way to approach this issue is get to know the friend in question and make that assessment. You can't do it if you can't meet them. If no one wants you to meet them, that's a red flag. If they act funny when you do meet them, that's a red flag. But they might just be a nice person who has a bond and no one should have to give up a friend for a relationship for no reason.

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I wouldn't give her the benefit of a doubt. She has a history of emotionally cheating, has orbiters, now meets buff trainer guy at the gym and they follows each other on social media. You know he wants to get into her pants, and adding him on social media is all how it starts. He starts complimenting her, she gets a goo about it, etc.

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What he asked for was not quite reasonable but she agreed to it. The relationship is doomed anyway. He might as well end it for good instead of trying to ride a dead horse.

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heavenonearth

It sucks she emotionally cheated - but NO male friends? What good will that do? Sounds very controlling to me.

 

I would not want to go through life without ever befriending a male again, god forbid. Seems like a ****ty relationship to be in to begin with!

 

 

Your friend made a pretty impossible request that no person should ever have to keep. Sorry.

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I don't think it's unreasonable because of her reason for having male friends....she wants orbiters, not friends to give her attention. She doesn't have boundaries. It's just an old habit reoccurring, and she just can't help herself.

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I think his request was controlling and unreasonable. While I can understand and agree with having no *close* male friends, having not even casual male friends is nearly impossible if you've got any kind of social network. Does he expect her to have only women on her FB friend list? To not talk with male friends if the group goes out for a social event?

 

That said, she did agree to the request. I guess she was desperate and didn't think it through.

 

I think they are better off ending it.

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Versacehottie
Friend’s situation, would be interested in your thoughts..

 

Friend and his long term girlfriend split up due to her emotionally cheating. 2 months after break up ex contacts friend pouring her heart out, realised that she was wrong and would never do it again. Friend is the love of her life etc etc.

 

They meet for a coffee, friend says he will give ex a chance based on one condition - no male friends. Ex agrees and says she’s not interested, only needs my friend as the male in her life blah blah.

 

1 month on and she becomes friendly with a personal trainer at the gym, chat occasionally and follow each other on social media. Friend tells her he’s not cool with it and she is to make a choice, him or the pt.

 

Ex (i may as well refer to her as this) kicks up a fuss and says my friend is controlling and won’t choose.

 

Obviously I am biased because he’s a good friend but I feel like he’s right and she’s wrong. He said how it would be from the start and she agreed. If she had disagreed my friend would not have given her a chance.

 

Thoughts LS?

 

Your friend was controlling the moment he made this ridiculous condition. I'm even dubious on the fact that she "emotionally cheated" since he obviously has issues. On the other hand, she sounds like the type to say what people want to hear and then do what she pleases anyway (& ignore him). Being that he is this distrustful, whether it is based on his jealousy, her untrustworthiness or a combo, there is no solid relationship to be had. As far as the bolded above "giving her a chance", there is no one handcuffing her to him, he can walk away now, same as before. I suspect he doesn't because on some level he knows he is being unreasonable and what he is asking for is possession instead of built up trust, which is also why he doesn't just walk away.

 

If she is a cheater at some point it will become unsavory and there will be no problem to walk away. I suggest he do it now to save them both the trouble. They are just not compatible. BTW, i would never agree to those conditions and I don't cheat.

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It doesn't matter whether or not she agreed to it previously. He is not seeking damages in a court of law so they need not argue who's broken the contract.

What's important is that he says no male friends. She now says no deal. That's why they broke up. Doesn't matter who dumped whom. There's nothing more.

 

In the future, your friend should think about whether or not he really wants to demand "no male friends at all". Usually it's very young people who think this way. Imagine a woman with no male friends and a man with no female friends, two people isolated against the world. It's very extreme and unhealthy in an adult world.

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It doesn't matter whether or not she agreed to it previously. He is not seeking damages in a court of law so they need not argue who's broken the contract.

What's important is that he says no male friends. She now says no deal. That's why they broke up. Doesn't matter who dumped whom. There's nothing more.

 

In the future, your friend should think about whether or not he really wants to demand "no male friends at all". Usually it's very young people who think this way. Imagine a woman with no male friends and a man with no female friends, two people isolated against the world. It's very extreme and unhealthy in an adult world.

it's all about integrity. She didn't have it.

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Obviously I am biased because he’s a good friend but I feel like he’s right and she’s wrong.

 

Thoughts LS?

He may be a good friend to you, but I don't see how you were or are a good friend to him. Siding with him on this is wrong.

 

I can't believe you didn't see anything wrong with his behavior?

This was a man saying: I will love you as long as you do what I say. As a female, how do you feel about that?

Have you ever heard of human rights, HumanMachine?

 

My utmost respect to the men who could see how this is unacceptable.

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He may be a good friend to you, but I don't see how you were or are a good friend to him. Siding with him on this is wrong.

 

I can't believe you didn't see anything wrong with his behavior?

This was a man saying: I will love you as long as you do what I say. As a female, how do you feel about that?

Have you ever heard of human rights, HumanMachine?

 

My utmost respect to the men who could see how this is unacceptable.

 

She agreed to what he said and promised she would stick by it. She was free to decline and they would’ve parted ways. Regardless of the request she went back on her word.

 

Black and white to me but i’m a male and his friend, he didn’t force her to do anything.

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LivingWaterPlease

If she thinks his terms are controlling she has every right to break up with him.

 

Just as he has every right to break up with her for having a male friend if she has one and they agreed she wouldn't have one. By crossing that boundary she has shown herself to have a problem with keeping her word.

 

A better choice for her would have been to explain to her bf that, though they agreed she'd have no male friends, she is now finding that agreement to be too restrictive and would like to renegotiate the terms of their R before becoming friends with the other guy, not after she has established the friendship with the new guy.

 

If he had not wanted to renegotiate and she had, either of them could have broken off the R and both gone their separate ways with their integrity intact, but by establishing this new friendship before she has brought up the issue for discussion with her bf, she has dishonored her word and demonstrated her continued (begun by having the previous emotional affair) lack of integrity.

 

Some people have very poor boundaries and it takes years of working on personal growth, and making lots of mistakes in the meantime, to remedy that issue. This woman has a lot to learn before she's ready for a healthy R.

 

Personally, once a person has cheated, either emotionally or physically, I wouldn't be interested in continuing a relationship with the person.

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She agreed to what he said and promised she would stick by it.
So if he said: "I'll beat you every Sunday", and she agreed to it, would everything be fine? Be sure he'd get in trouble for that. Because there are things that - regardless of agreement between the parties involved - are illegal.

Remember: it's a very thin line. A guy engaged in bondage with two girls. While at it, one of them DIED. He ended up in jail. He said they had given their consent, but the law is the law. So watch out. You need to rethink your rules, man.

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Bit extreme to compare a simple request to physical violence don’t you think?

I was just following your reasoning about consent. No, consent means nothing if what you propose is against the law and human rights.

Know your rules, before applying your rules to others.

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Hey HM,

 

Yeah this is waaay too controlling. A bit ridiculous really. I wouldn’t be with a girl if she told me I can’t have girl friends/office friends/gaming friends etc. I bet even that wouldn’t have suppressed his trust issues, which is understandable. When trust is gone, it’s best for all parties to move on.

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I was just following your reasoning about consent. No, consent means nothing if what you propose is against the law and human rights.

Know your rules, before applying your rules to others.

 

And which law was he violating by saying what he said?

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heavenonearth
And which law was he violating by saying what he said?

 

It was a comparison to make a point.

 

She consented to something that was virtually impossible - she did so out of desperation because she didn’t want to lose him.

 

Asking someone to not have friends of the opposite sex is, in my opinion, emotional abuse.

 

I had a partner once Who did that to me. Amongst other restrictions... i lived in a prison in my own apartment, basically.

 

Your friend should make more reasonable requests.

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It was a comparison to make a point.

 

She consented to something that was virtually impossible - she did so out of desperation because she didn’t want to lose him.

 

Asking someone to not have friends of the opposite sex is, in my opinion, emotional abuse.

 

I had a partner once Who did that to me. Amongst other restrictions... i lived in a prison in my own apartment, basically.

 

Your friend should make more reasonable requests.

 

A comparison to what? Something completely unrelated?

 

I disagree, asking someone to do something is different to telling them to do so. He made the rules clear and she agreed.

 

Fortunately he has ended it.

 

I do wonder if the replies would be different should the sexes be reversed..

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NO male friends is a little overkill. Sorry, but this world is mixed with both genders, and whether it's a personal trainer or coworker or classmate, there are going to be men in her life, and they may follow each other on social media and have a friendship outside of the professional relationship, even if it's super casual and mainly on social media. For her to not be allowed to follow her PT is stupid.

 

The question is whether or not she's flirtatious and there is clearly a little more going on than just a friendship or just casual aquantance type friendship. The guy is extremely insecure over just following the PT. I'm surprised he's "allowing" her to have a male PT. That is controlling and manipulative.

 

If she's flirting and he's flirting and there is too much affection, spark, attraction, touching...secret "dates," and long conversations, I can see a real problem. Of course this leads to lack of trust of the boyfriend, and if her behavior is such that she comes across as on the verge of cheating, or seems to be "emotionally cheating," then it's time to cut loose. She'll lose a lot of boyfriends until she figures out how her behavior causes this and changes how she manages herself and her relationships. There will always be attractions and crushes. You don't behave in a "come hither" manner with your guy friends or acquaintances when you are in a relationship...or even when you're not, unless you're looking for something more than platonic.

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