LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Platonic > Friendship

Is this controlling?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Like Tree57Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 4th February 2018, 5:09 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Newcastle
Posts: 799
Is this controlling?

Friend’s situation, would be interested in your thoughts..

Friend and his long term girlfriend split up due to her emotionally cheating. 2 months after break up ex contacts friend pouring her heart out, realised that she was wrong and would never do it again. Friend is the love of her life etc etc.

They meet for a coffee, friend says he will give ex a chance based on one condition - no male friends. Ex agrees and says she’s not interested, only needs my friend as the male in her life blah blah.

1 month on and she becomes friendly with a personal trainer at the gym, chat occasionally and follow each other on social media. Friend tells her he’s not cool with it and she is to make a choice, him or the pt.

Ex (i may as well refer to her as this) kicks up a fuss and says my friend is controlling and won’t choose.

Obviously I am biased because he’s a good friend but I feel like he’s right and she’s wrong. He said how it would be from the start and she agreed. If she had disagreed my friend would not have given her a chance.

Thoughts LS?
HumanMachine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 5:14 PM   #2
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 12,840
Sounds like she reneged on her promise. Your friend needs to wise up and dump her.
__________________

You are a fool if you believe that having each others passwords = trust.
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 5:14 PM   #3
Established Member
 
CommittedToThis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Southern California
Posts: 279
Obviously your friend needs to walk away and never look back. He said no male friends, she agreed, she reneged.

Not only did she renege, she's gas-lighting him by making the issue about control rather than about her not seeing other males.

Dump city, no questions asked, no looking back. Dodge the bullet while it's still an option.
__________________
Take a straight and stronger course...
CommittedToThis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 5:37 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 18,772
No male friends is a bit overboard, BUT I can see where a trainer would be threatening to any guy. Nonetheless if she agreed to it and reneged, they are not going to endure. Everyone should be able to have an opposite sex friend IF they are truly a friend and not if either of them are carrying a torch for the other. So the rational way to approach this issue is get to know the friend in question and make that assessment. You can't do it if you can't meet them. If no one wants you to meet them, that's a red flag. If they act funny when you do meet them, that's a red flag. But they might just be a nice person who has a bond and no one should have to give up a friend for a relationship for no reason.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 5:59 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,464
Your friend will stay in this as long as he allows himself to.

He should have dumped her upfront
Marc878 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 6:02 PM   #6
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 12,840
I wouldn't give her the benefit of a doubt. She has a history of emotionally cheating, has orbiters, now meets buff trainer guy at the gym and they follows each other on social media. You know he wants to get into her pants, and adding him on social media is all how it starts. He starts complimenting her, she gets a goo about it, etc.
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 6:04 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Jj66's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 1,121
What he asked for was not quite reasonable but she agreed to it. The relationship is doomed anyway. He might as well end it for good instead of trying to ride a dead horse.
__________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."
George Eliot
Jj66 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 7:28 PM   #8
Established Member
 
heavenonearth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 852
It sucks she emotionally cheated - but NO male friends? What good will that do? Sounds very controlling to me.

I would not want to go through life without ever befriending a male again, god forbid. Seems like a ****ty relationship to be in to begin with!


Your friend made a pretty impossible request that no person should ever have to keep. Sorry.
heavenonearth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 7:32 PM   #9
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 12,840
I don't think it's unreasonable because of her reason for having male friends....she wants orbiters, not friends to give her attention. She doesn't have boundaries. It's just an old habit reoccurring, and she just can't help herself.
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 8:37 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 8,696
I think his request was controlling and unreasonable. While I can understand and agree with having no *close* male friends, having not even casual male friends is nearly impossible if you've got any kind of social network. Does he expect her to have only women on her FB friend list? To not talk with male friends if the group goes out for a social event?

That said, she did agree to the request. I guess she was desperate and didn't think it through.

I think they are better off ending it.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 8:58 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 3,867
Quote:
Originally Posted by HumanMachine View Post
Friend’s situation, would be interested in your thoughts..

Friend and his long term girlfriend split up due to her emotionally cheating. 2 months after break up ex contacts friend pouring her heart out, realised that she was wrong and would never do it again. Friend is the love of her life etc etc.

They meet for a coffee, friend says he will give ex a chance based on one condition - no male friends. Ex agrees and says she’s not interested, only needs my friend as the male in her life blah blah.

1 month on and she becomes friendly with a personal trainer at the gym, chat occasionally and follow each other on social media. Friend tells her he’s not cool with it and she is to make a choice, him or the pt.

Ex (i may as well refer to her as this) kicks up a fuss and says my friend is controlling and won’t choose.

Obviously I am biased because he’s a good friend but I feel like he’s right and she’s wrong. He said how it would be from the start and she agreed. If she had disagreed my friend would not have given her a chance.

Thoughts LS?
Your friend was controlling the moment he made this ridiculous condition. I'm even dubious on the fact that she "emotionally cheated" since he obviously has issues. On the other hand, she sounds like the type to say what people want to hear and then do what she pleases anyway (& ignore him). Being that he is this distrustful, whether it is based on his jealousy, her untrustworthiness or a combo, there is no solid relationship to be had. As far as the bolded above "giving her a chance", there is no one handcuffing her to him, he can walk away now, same as before. I suspect he doesn't because on some level he knows he is being unreasonable and what he is asking for is possession instead of built up trust, which is also why he doesn't just walk away.

If she is a cheater at some point it will become unsavory and there will be no problem to walk away. I suggest he do it now to save them both the trouble. They are just not compatible. BTW, i would never agree to those conditions and I don't cheat.
__________________
Everybody's like: He's no item,Please don't like em, He don't wife em, He one nights em,I never listened No. I shoulda figured though. All that sh*t you was spittin',So unoriginal, But it was you. So I was with it. Then tell you the truth, Wish we never did it. If you was really the realest, Wouldn't be fightin' it.I think your pride is just...In the way
Versacehottie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 8:58 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,308
It doesn't matter whether or not she agreed to it previously. He is not seeking damages in a court of law so they need not argue who's broken the contract.
What's important is that he says no male friends. She now says no deal. That's why they broke up. Doesn't matter who dumped whom. There's nothing more.

In the future, your friend should think about whether or not he really wants to demand "no male friends at all". Usually it's very young people who think this way. Imagine a woman with no male friends and a man with no female friends, two people isolated against the world. It's very extreme and unhealthy in an adult world.
Maggie4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 9:03 PM   #13
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 12,840
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maggie4 View Post
It doesn't matter whether or not she agreed to it previously. He is not seeking damages in a court of law so they need not argue who's broken the contract.
What's important is that he says no male friends. She now says no deal. That's why they broke up. Doesn't matter who dumped whom. There's nothing more.

In the future, your friend should think about whether or not he really wants to demand "no male friends at all". Usually it's very young people who think this way. Imagine a woman with no male friends and a man with no female friends, two people isolated against the world. It's very extreme and unhealthy in an adult world.
it's all about integrity. She didn't have it.
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2018, 11:49 PM   #14
Established Member
 
justwhoiam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 3,701
Quote:
Originally Posted by HumanMachine View Post
Obviously I am biased because he’s a good friend but I feel like he’s right and she’s wrong.

Thoughts LS?
He may be a good friend to you, but I don't see how you were or are a good friend to him. Siding with him on this is wrong.

I can't believe you didn't see anything wrong with his behavior?
This was a man saying: I will love you as long as you do what I say. As a female, how do you feel about that?
Have you ever heard of human rights, HumanMachine?

My utmost respect to the men who could see how this is unacceptable.
justwhoiam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th February 2018, 2:42 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Newcastle
Posts: 799
Quote:
Originally Posted by justwhoiam View Post
He may be a good friend to you, but I don't see how you were or are a good friend to him. Siding with him on this is wrong.

I can't believe you didn't see anything wrong with his behavior?
This was a man saying: I will love you as long as you do what I say. As a female, how do you feel about that?
Have you ever heard of human rights, HumanMachine?

My utmost respect to the men who could see how this is unacceptable.
She agreed to what he said and promised she would stick by it. She was free to decline and they would’ve parted ways. Regardless of the request she went back on her word.

Black and white to me but i’m a male and his friend, he didn’t force her to do anything.
HumanMachine is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
She says I am controlling.. Rawr123 Marriage & Life Partnerships 35 2nd June 2013 6:46 PM
Is he just controlling me? noelle303 The Other Man / Woman 159 30th August 2010 4:08 PM
Controlling gymnast6 Friends and Lovers 2 3rd July 2010 1:39 AM
Am I too controlling? Guest Marriage & Life Partnerships 3 11th March 2007 11:57 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:18 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.