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ex friends were right about a guy I used to date?


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Old 1st February 2018, 11:14 PM   #1
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ex friends were right about a guy I used to date?

My ex friends and I had/have different political beliefs. I started dating a guy long distance who I now believe had extreme beliefs, not something bad, just extreme. My ex friends and I cut off our friendship due to this and looking back, I can admit the guy was an extremist. I do miss having friends, but I am very unhappy that they ganged up on me and talked about behind my back. The guy and I are no longer dating. Did I make a mistake? btw one of those ex friends was my best friend.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 12:09 AM   #2
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Did the friendships end because your beliefs were different or because of his beliefs? If he was long distance, were they even subjected to his beliefs? Or did they just not like it that you were willing to accept his?

I have a feeling that this would make more sense if you told us what kind of beliefs you're talking about.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 12:39 AM   #3
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Ti know if you made a mistake, I'd need to ask the kinds of things they were saying. If must have been pretty nasty stuff if you cut them off.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 3:53 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Ti know if you made a mistake, I'd need to ask the kinds of things they were saying. If must have been pretty nasty stuff if you cut them off.
My ex bestie told me she wasn't coming over, then another one of my ex friends said they had talked it over and were concerned over who I was dating. I was upset they didn't come directly to me and also the fact they were sticking noses in my love life when I never did that to them.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 6:19 PM   #5
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I do agree that it would help to know what those beliefs were.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 6:33 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by I'veseenbetterlol View Post
My ex bestie told me she wasn't coming over, then another one of my ex friends said they had talked it over and were concerned over who I was dating. I was upset they didn't come directly to me and also the fact they were sticking noses in my love life when I never did that to them.
"Ex bestie said she wasn't coming over" Over to what? When? Why?

Your friend told you that they were concerned about who you were dating. This IS coming directly to you!!! Sure, they may have discussed it a bit first, but they probably didn't want to jump in with accusations too quickly. One needs to be sure of what they are seeing before getting involved.

As far as not sticking their noses in, for that to happen, it would mean that they have zero concern for you. Is this what you would have preferred? Out of curiosity, how did they form their poor opinion of him?

I'm not trying be rude, but at this point, your story doesn't make sense. Perhaps telling the whole story would help.

Last edited by basil67; 2nd February 2018 at 6:36 PM..
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Old 2nd February 2018, 6:44 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grays View Post
...this would make more sense if you told us what kind of beliefs you're talking about.
For real...

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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
...I'd need to ask the kinds of things they were saying...
Of course...

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Originally Posted by notrespaZing View Post
...it would help to know what those beliefs were.
Yeah, not like this is a political forum. Just stop burying the lead.

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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
"Ex bestie said she wasn't coming over" Over to what? When? Why?...
...I'm not trying be rude, but at this point, your story doesn't make sense. Perhaps telling the whole story would help...
And yeah, we still don't get it.

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Originally Posted by I'veseenbetterlol View Post
...talked it over... I was upset they didn't come directly to me...
Everyone in here has asked for more info. Just drop the facade.

Tell everyone what is going on and we'd be glad to help you understand if you made the right decision or the wrong one...

As for your friends not coming over out of concern. That's a good thing. It's ****ty that they didn't come and talk to you, then leave or something. But after all, you must be young and so must they, in order to leave out so many details and try to get people to back you up without any info whatsoever.

I hope you get this sorted out. I doubt it will happen until you open up a bit more. We're not here to judge political beliefs, we're just here to help you in this, which must be a hard time.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 6:44 PM   #8
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When none of your friends like the guy you're dating, if they are good friends who really know you well and especially old friends, you should listen to them and not cut them out on account of a guy, who probably won't be there long. If they are true friends, they are just looking out for you and if they all agree he was bad, you should listen.

Now, if it was a parent or sibling, I figure in that they have some biases and may actually be invested in things that you don't agree with, but you choose friends, so you should respect their opinions.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 6:47 PM   #9
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If one of my close friends was dating an "extremist" I would voice my concerns, and it could likely affect our friendship.

Once upon a time one of my best friends started dating a guy who was just psyco and a loser (think drug addict crazy dude). She obviously had issues herself at the time to pick such a dirt bag...

But during that time, when she wouldn't listen to her friends, when she would want to bring this guy around d etc - she basically lost her friends over it.

Luckily she eventually came to her senses, dumped the dude, got counseling, and guess what, us friends were there again once loser was gone.

As for extremist, whether right, left, etc - they are generally off their rocker and lack basic reasoning ability - no thanks.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 7:13 PM   #10
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It's ****ty that they didn't come and talk to you,
They did come and talk to her. In post 4, OP said "then another one of my ex friends said they had talked it over and were concerned over who I was dating"
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Old 4th February 2018, 5:36 AM   #11
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You can omit your mistake and hope that all would be forgiven.

I have had a similar situation but from the friends perspective. A good friend started to date a guy who presented himself as this paragon of wealth, virtue and excitement. The first time I met him, he regaled us all with his stories of being a tour guide on African Safari’s (including saving the life of a woman being charged by an elephant.....lol), working with a charity group to build schools in Myanmar, completing his PhD in mathematics, and racing in a league ‘only two steps away from formula 1.” He managed to do this all by the tender age of 28 while driving a 12 year old Honda and working part-time at the Cheasecake Factory. All this BS coupled with the fact he spent the entire evening flirting with the server whenever she came around, was enough for me to have grave reservations.

I told my friend to ‘be careful” and that I thought some of his stories didn’t add up.

It took a few days to flush 8 years of friendship down the toilet. Her reaction was over-the-top. A few of her comments:
You’re jealous
You can’t stand for me to be happy
You’re a non supportive terrible friend
You don’t know him, and judge him
Etc etc.

We stopped talking. A few months later she called and pretended that nothing had happened and wanted me to listen about how she’d been done wrong by this guy. Basically pick up where we left off.

Unfortunately, the meanness and nastiness of her ‘in love’ vitriol, was such that how I thought about her had changed. Honestly, I just couldn’t be bothered. Not only was she stupid and naive, she turned on those whose only transgressions were to be honest with her. I stopped returning her texts and calls.

Hopefully you’ll have better luck then her, getting your friends back.
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:19 PM   #12
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This guy was long distance, so I'm really lost on how his views directly affected your friends unless you started adopting his views, were vocal about it, and friendships divided over such differing values, opinions, and lifestyle. If you were becoming "him" in his extreme views and started head-butting over it with your friends, I can see how the division happened.

There's more to the story, and no one can really make an assessment without more detail.

He was long distance, so aside from maybe meeting with him seldom, if ever, I don't see how his extreme views could cause such a rift. The only reason I see it becoming problematic is if you were taking on those views and maybe your personality took a turn towards something you were not in the past...you changed.

Did you make a mistake? Maybe, maybe not. People change, lives take different directions, and as a result, friends fall away, sometimes they fight, and sometimes the friendship is irreparable. It can be someone getting caught up in a religion. It could be someone getting married and/or having children and no longer party it up with their single friends, or the single friend no longer has anything in common with the couples and parents. It could be strong political views. It could be a permanent change or a mistake. If you went from being a rodeo loving, beer drinking, carnivore to a PITA vegan who lamented to her friends about leather, meat, and bronco riding, there's a division.

Did YOU change while dating your extreme boyfriend? Do you still carry those views? Were his views wrong or just over the top? Can you still be friends with them if your values are now different than theirs? Have you gone back to your prior beliefs and values?
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:38 PM   #13
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People seem to have forgotten the importance of a big mug of “Shut the F up”.

When my friends are concerned, my only question is “Are you happy?” What I feel about their partner is not their concern. If things go to S, give me a call and I’ll be there.
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:46 PM   #14
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Most people want to help their friends out. Most friends want to know what their friends think of someone too. Now, if I was a guy like that, I bet I'd be one of those guys who tried to separate the woman from her friends and try to convince her it was none of their business, which is a big red flag and a hallmark of beginnings of type of abuse.
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:20 PM   #15
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This guy was long distance, so I'm really lost on how his views directly affected your friends unless you started adopting his views, were vocal about it, and friendships divided over such differing values, opinions, and lifestyle. If you were becoming "him" in his extreme views and started head-butting over it with your friends, I can see how the division happened.

There's more to the story, and no one can really make an assessment without more detail.

He was long distance, so aside from maybe meeting with him seldom, if ever, I don't see how his extreme views could cause such a rift. The only reason I see it becoming problematic is if you were taking on those views and maybe your personality took a turn towards something you were not in the past...you changed.

Did you make a mistake? Maybe, maybe not. People change, lives take different directions, and as a result, friends fall away, sometimes they fight, and sometimes the friendship is irreparable. It can be someone getting caught up in a religion. It could be someone getting married and/or having children and no longer party it up with their single friends, or the single friend no longer has anything in common with the couples and parents. It could be strong political views. It could be a permanent change or a mistake. If you went from being a rodeo loving, beer drinking, carnivore to a PITA vegan who lamented to her friends about leather, meat, and bronco riding, there's a division.

Did YOU change while dating your extreme boyfriend? Do you still carry those views? Were his views wrong or just over the top? Can you still be friends with them if your values are now different than theirs? Have you gone back to your prior beliefs and values?
I def didn't change at all while dating this guy, plus my former friends views and mine were on opposite sides to begin w/. I never got involved in their love or political lives despite not agreeing w/the way they did things.

After awhile I realized the guy was too over the top and a pretty bitter person. My beliefs are the exact same. Also my ex bestie ditched me a couple years ago and I accepted her back into my life, at the time though her actions were extremely hurtful.
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