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difficult birthday


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 29th January 2018, 7:33 AM   #1
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difficult birthday

there is a birthday dinner coming up in a couple of months, between a few of us friends, all over 50, one of the ppl attending is somebody I do not like at all

I texted her a few weeks ago about just saying hello and goodbye at the dinner, and if she has any residual issues with me to call me ahead of the dinner, not to have a crap dinner, or drag others into our issues publicly, to other ppl, I just explain that we were never close friends in the first place

ok, so I texted all that a few weeks ago, and she never called, good

but I know what she is like, so I will be texting her a just before the dinner again, as she will kicks off at the dinner if not, and that her not calling me was about controlling me, not going along with my needs

she displays full blown narcissist behaviour, I have looked into it, control, expectations, gaslighting, aggression...

she organised 2 of my birthday dinners, not great evenings, and ones I did not ask for, both to narc at me I now
realize

my intuition tells me to just chalk her to experience, and also to tell her that she does my head in if she talks to me, so she will say the same back (I know her well), good, end of short conversation, party on, just be smiley all evening, non-commttital, bland, grin and bear it, tell her we'll talk later too, if she drags all this stuff out

Just hanging onto my sanity here - any thoughts?

Last edited by darkmoon; 29th January 2018 at 8:35 AM..
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Old 29th January 2018, 8:44 AM   #2
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You texted her all that? Are you kidding?

In her shoes if I got a text from a 50 year old contemporary like that I'd think you were off your rocker. You say you do not like her at all yet she organized 2 of your birthdays. I suspect she has been trying to be nice to you all along & curry favor with you. Somehow that aggravated you. After the 1st one a mature adult would have had a face to face conversation with her & prevented her from doing the 2nd one. Now for you to send this aggressive text was simply rude.

If you don't care for somebody you don't confront them in this passive aggressive way. You ignore them. You show up. You gave a tight false small, a curt nod & you carry on as if they weren't there.

The issue here lies with you not her based on what you have written in this post. If there is more to the story, please share the details because from what I read you look like the pot stirring bad guy. She has no obligation to go along with your needs. Even if she did start something publically, you have the ability to cut if off by walking away.
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Old 29th January 2018, 9:00 AM   #3
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You texted her all that? Are you kidding?

In her shoes if I got a text from a 50 year old contemporary like that I'd think you were off your rocker. You say you do not like her at all yet she organized 2 of your birthdays. I suspect she has been trying to be nice to you all along & curry favor with you. Somehow that aggravated you. After the 1st one a mature adult would have had a face to face conversation with her & prevented her from doing the 2nd one. Now for you to send this aggressive text was simply rude.

If you don't care for somebody you don't confront them in this passive aggressive way. You ignore them. You show up. You gave a tight false small, a curt nod & you carry on as if they weren't there.

The issue here lies with you not her based on what you have written in this post. If there is more to the story, please share the details because from what I read you look like the pot stirring bad guy. She has no obligation to go along with your needs. Even if she did start something publically, you have the ability to cut if off by walking away.
rude? well, that is a matter of perception, no point pretending to like somebody if you have had enough, no point in worrying about being polite and bottling stuff up, I did that for 2 years, and it led me to great stress which is why I am in this state, and walking away, more or less, by not bothering with her much

I only realized she was a narc this year

Last edited by darkmoon; 29th January 2018 at 9:02 AM..
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Old 29th January 2018, 9:04 AM   #4
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I still don't get it.

What's a narc?

If you dislike her that much, why did you let her plan the 2nd birthday party for you?

I don't have a problem with somebody (you) drawing boundaries in their life, I have a problem doing it through text. IMO you could not have picked a worse medium
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Old 29th January 2018, 9:15 AM   #5
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I still don't get it.

What's a narc?

If you dislike her that much, why did you let her plan the 2nd birthday party for you?

I don't have a problem with somebody (you) drawing boundaries in their life, I have a problem doing it through text. IMO you could not have picked a worse medium
as explained....she displays full blown narcissist behaviour, I have looked into it, control, expectations, gaslighting, aggression...

she only ever uses texts herself, second birthday was all arranged, and so I only went to my own birthday party so as to not let others down who wanted to eat, and I quietly spent the evening of my own birthday discreetly feeling like sht

Last edited by darkmoon; 29th January 2018 at 9:17 AM..
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Old 29th January 2018, 9:20 AM   #6
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OK. . .. . .

I still don't see the point of texting. In your shoes, I'd go to the party & ignore her. I wouldn't send preemptive texts. If she starts drama at the party you ignore her.

I have an EX friend who pops up periodically: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/plat...forgive-forget Ignoring her has worked well. I would never dream of texting her in advance. She's blocked everywhere from my life.

Try that instead.
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Old 29th January 2018, 9:22 AM   #7
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rude? well, that is a matter of perception, no point pretending to like somebody if you have had enough, no point in worrying about being polite and bottling stuff up, I did that for 2 years, and it led me to great stress which is why I am in this state, and walking away, more or less, by not bothering with her much

I only realized she was a narc this year
There's that term being thrown around again.

I'm picturing some sort of blow-out fight, Real Housewives style, at some point that has led you to feel like you needed to preface this upcoming party with a warning. Has something like this happened?
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Old 29th January 2018, 9:28 AM   #8
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There's that term being thrown around again.

I'm picturing some sort of blow-out fight, Real Housewives style, at some point that has led you to feel like you needed to preface this upcoming party with a warning. Has something like this happened?

no, am not a fighter, but an observer of how I get treated and then I do some thinking, I did realize what and who I was involved with just recently
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Old 29th January 2018, 9:30 AM   #9
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no, am not a fighter, but an observer of how I get treated and then I do some thinking, I did realize what and who I was involved with just recently
This is a little too vague for us to have an understanding of the situation.
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Old 29th January 2018, 9:35 AM   #10
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This is a little too vague for us to have an understanding of the situation.
then please see my first post, at the start of this thread, 2 years condensed, for 2 years' actions written in full would be a bookful
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Old 29th January 2018, 10:00 AM   #11
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then please see my first post, at the start of this thread, 2 years condensed, for 2 years' actions written in full would be a bookful
There is no detail in that post either. Just that you don't like her and have never been very close. It's very unclear what the issues between you two are.
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Old 29th January 2018, 10:43 AM   #12
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If you claim she is a narc, then texting your concerns would mean absolutely nothing to her. So stop trying to get her to behave the way you want her to because she won't care. I'm not sure why someone you label a narc would plan 2 of your birthday parties. And no one can force you to have a birthday dinner that you don't want to have, especially 2 of them -- maybe you have poor boundaries with her.

Stop texting her. If anything you're bringing attention to the negatives when you should be ignoring it and rising above it. The mature thing to do is to attend the party, be civil and limit your communication with her.

I think your text to her was unnecessary and an invitation to drama.
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Last edited by Zahara; 29th January 2018 at 10:45 AM..
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Old 29th January 2018, 11:38 AM   #13
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If you claim she is a narc, then texting your concerns would mean absolutely nothing to her. So stop trying to get her to behave the way you want her to because she won't care. I'm not sure why someone you label a narc would plan 2 of your birthday parties. And no one can force you to have a birthday dinner that you don't want to have, especially 2 of them -- maybe you have poor boundaries with her.

Stop texting her. If anything you're bringing attention to the negatives when you should be ignoring it and rising above it. The mature thing to do is to attend the party, be civil and limit your communication with her.

I think your text to her was unnecessary and an invitation to drama.
I have done all you suggested already, limit communication, and now need support

it would so easy to tell her at dinner that I wish I had never met her, and then she will burst into tears, and leave me alone for good

Last edited by darkmoon; 29th January 2018 at 11:41 AM..
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Old 29th January 2018, 11:46 AM   #14
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it would so easy to tell her at dinner that I wish I had never met her, and then she will burst into tears, and leave me alone for good
Do you really want to be the one who causes drama at this birthday party? In the middle of somebody else's event is no time to hash this out. Just ignore her. By reaching out even to tell her you want nothing to do with her is playing her game & conveying the opposite message.

See her. Smile a fake tight small. Nod your head & walk in the opposite direction. No other acknowledgement is required.
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Old 29th January 2018, 12:03 PM   #15
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I have done all you suggested already, limit communication, and now need support

it would so easy to tell her at dinner that I wish I had never met her, and then she will burst into tears, and leave me alone for good
No, it will make you look like a trouble maker. The party is not the best time to relay your feelings to her. The fact that you see no issue instigating drama and causing a scene at someone's birthday party is self-serving.

I think you're perturbed that she has ignored you and you're trying to poke at the dragon to provoke a response.

Unless she's getting in your face and wagging her finger at you -- smile, nod, and walk the other way. I think you're making it more dramatic than it has to be.
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