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Feeling insecure with my friend -- now shes mad at me?


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Old 20th December 2017, 3:55 PM   #1
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Feeling insecure with my friend -- now shes mad at me?

So I've known this friend for a good 2 months. We get along well and even strangers complimented that we seemed like best friends for a long time. We even coincidentally dress up the same. One day we met up and we literally came in the exact same outfit. However we are totally opposite.
I'm bubbly/energetic/sensitive and she's quiet/sarcastic/introvert.Not to mention she's 31 and I'm 24.

We hung out a lot in the course of 2 months and did a variety of activities. We even confided in each other a bit with personal problems.
But she's guarded at times/doesn't show feelings a lot.
Her act of showing feelings is to buy gifts. When I first met her and still to this day she would buy me a variety of things to shoes/clothes/pay for my meals etc. I felt uncomfortable and told her stop buying me gifts because I dont need them to be her friend. She doesn't have to buy my friendship. She told me because her familys selfish and she wants to give/shes not trying to be condescending, etc. I've had a bad past friendship who did the same but she would talk about me. My current friend reassured me thats not what shes doing. Her life is way different than mine and shes very secretive. she's well off on money as well. I'm struggling, trying to finish school and work low jobs just trying to get into my career.

There are times when she can be rude and dry when she replies to me. But I ignore it and try to be bubbly. We text eachother everyday. When she doesnt text for a day or two I give her space until she reaches back out. But I also feel like she's only my friend because shes bored and has no one else to talk to. Like the past friendships she's told me about.. the people were all wild and fun. I'm not like that at all. I was when I was 21 but I stopped. I'm always wanting to go adventure and she wants to as well but she doesn't initiate it as much with me. She'll do small things with me like go eat or adventure museums sometimes. But when I say road trip, etc.. she ignores. I met her family and she says I'm the first friend she brought home because shes usually alone. But i'm still feeling anxiety and insecure like she's talking about me to her bf or that she's bored and will find someone else and leave me in the dust. She told me her friends all used her for her money and that she had a divorce, was cheated on and etc. That her most recent friend was too wild for her and not classy enough. So I always reassured her that I'm not using her and value her friendship.

There was a one time when I jokingly said why do you hate me.
She says she doesnt have me but she thinks im naive and innocent.
I'm not sure whether to take that as an insult or not.

The other day she was taking her finals so she was on edge and I just let it be. I told her I was mad and she said can't talk about it- feel better and sent a picture of her final studying. I said whoops sorry good luck! I didn't message her for a while until after her finals and I sent a fun event that we should do. she ignores it and replies with her food shes eating. then she pocket dialed me. She said dont feel special i pocket dialed.

I asked her does she have a problem with me or something?
She replies why I keep asking her and yes she has a problem with me always asking. I never replied and it's been a day. Idk how to message her back and I feel like I don't want to at the moment either for some reason.
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Old 20th December 2017, 5:27 PM   #2
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This friend doesn't seem to be a good match for you. Given the mismatch and the fact that you're having a *lot* of contact with her, it's not suprising things are going pear shaped.

I'm sure she doesn't have a problem with you. This is just who she is. I'm even more inclined to say this because she has a history of not having friends. She doesn't know how to do it! Now you need to ask yourself the question of whether or not you can accept her for being the odd ball she is without asking her if she's got a problem with you.
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Old 20th December 2017, 5:41 PM   #3
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If I were your friend, I would feel annoyed by your insecurity too. I mean, what exactly are you feeling insecure about? You are expecting too much out of your friendship, and then when you do not get what you want, you feel like you are somehow upsetting your friend. Then you start acting like you are guilty, constantly bringing up whether something is wrong despite being reassured that everything is fine all the time, which would make anyone feel tired of having to explain all the time.

I will give the same advice that I give everyone: you need to stop, take a step back, and drop any expectations and preconceptions that you have of what or how a friend should be or act. Then, learn to accept your friend as is and just go with the flow.

It is easy to get over-zealous when you find a new friend, but you have to slow down and realize that everyone has their own quirks and experiences. You cannot impose your ideals onto them. You can only offer your friendship in the way that you know best, let them respond with their friendship in their own way, and then both of you learn to accept it and find your balance from there. If it works out, then great, but if not, then move on.
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Old 20th December 2017, 5:47 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
This friend doesn't seem to be a good match for you. Given the mismatch and the fact that you're having a *lot* of contact with her, it's not suprising things are going pear shaped.

I'm sure she doesn't have a problem with you. This is just who she is. I'm even more inclined to say this because she has a history of not having friends. She doesn't know how to do it! Now you need to ask yourself the question of whether or not you can accept her for being the odd ball she is without asking her if she's got a problem with you.
Thanks for the response.
I agree with some of your points. Sheís definitely.. well from what sheís told me.. she hasnít had a real functioning friend before.
She usually buys her way through things. One time she told me she had a friend and her friend was upset. She bought her friend a resort room to make her feel better. While I think itís kind and showed she care.. I donít see that as helping. Iíd rather someone listen and help me find a solution.
She did something similar to me. She took me out to eat and offered to pay me money while I find a job. I declined because I hate loans and I donít like mixing friendship with money. Iíd rather work for my own money. When I vented to her over dinner you can kind of tell she wasnít listening as much.
Idk. My next question is how do I respond to her?
I know constantly asking for reassurance is bad but itís hard. I think I give her a good amount of space and Iím positive most of the time. Itís just Iím going though job trouble right now and when she was being kinda rude and distant I thought I was going to lose a friend too so I asked and pushed myself on to her but I guess it made her angry.
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Old 20th December 2017, 5:53 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Nilfiry View Post
If I were your friend, I would feel annoyed by your insecurity too. I mean, what exactly are you feeling insecure about? You are expecting too much out of your friendship, and then when you do not get what you want, you feel like you are somehow upsetting your friend. Then you start acting like you are guilty, constantly bringing up whether something is wrong despite being reassured that everything is fine all the time, which would make anyone feel tired of having to explain all the time.

I will give the same advice that I give everyone: you need to stop, take a step back, and drop any expectations and preconceptions that you have of what or how a friend should be or act. Then, learn to accept your friend as is and just go with the flow.

It is easy to get over-zealous when you find a new friend, but you have to slow down and realize that everyone has their own quirks and experiences. You cannot impose your ideals onto them. You can only offer your friendship in the way that you know best, let them respond with their friendship in their own way, and then both of you learn to accept it and find your balance from there. If it works out, then great, but if not, then move on.

I mean I get what youíre saying but she is the one who texts me every single day. I do not do that. I give space. When I first met her she was the one that gave me gifts small gifts and gifts. Constantly messaging me. Or showing off her gifts her bf buys her. I read peopleís energy and I can tell when theyíre bothered and annoyed. So I asked her again if everythingís ok and she got mad. Also to put into the fact sheís not as innocent as Iím portraying her to spare putting her information out. But I will say I know for a fact that she calls me or needs me to be there whenever she has bf problems. Trust me her bf problems will blow your mind. So Iím just making sure everything is okay. Yes insecurity will be annoying and I know when to step back.
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Old 20th December 2017, 5:56 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Nilfiry View Post
If I were your friend, I would feel annoyed by your insecurity too. I mean, what exactly are you feeling insecure about? You are expecting too much out of your friendship, and then when you do not get what you want, you feel like you are somehow upsetting your friend. Then you start acting like you are guilty, constantly bringing up whether something is wrong despite being reassured that everything is fine all the time, which would make anyone feel tired of having to explain all the time.

I will give the same advice that I give everyone: you need to stop, take a step back, and drop any expectations and preconceptions that you have of what or how a friend should be or act. Then, learn to accept your friend as is and just go with the flow.

It is easy to get over-zealous when you find a new friend, but you have to slow down and realize that everyone has their own quirks and experiences. You cannot impose your ideals onto them. You can only offer your friendship in the way that you know best, let them respond with their friendship in their own way, and then both of you learn to accept it and find your balance from there. If it works out, then great, but if not, then move on.
Maybe Iím feeling insecure because while Iím giving out my full friendship and being sincere that maybe sheís not being sincere entirely. Iíve dealt with people that sucked me emotionally and I may just not trust her. I feel like she will find someone else and start to fade away. She always told me all her friends left her or used her. Usually thatís a red flag for me because I want to know why. Iíve been told that story before and the person turned out to use me.
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Old 20th December 2017, 6:15 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by moonchild94 View Post
I mean I get what youíre saying but she is the one who texts me every single day. I do not do that. I give space. When I first met her she was the one that gave me gifts small gifts and gifts. Constantly messaging me. Or showing off her gifts her bf buys her. I read peopleís energy and I can tell when theyíre bothered and annoyed. So I asked her again if everythingís ok and she got mad. Also to put into the fact sheís not as innocent as Iím portraying her to spare putting her information out. But I will say I know for a fact that she calls me or needs me to be there whenever she has bf problems. Trust me her bf problems will blow your mind. So Iím just making sure everything is okay. Yes insecurity will be annoying and I know when to step back.
If she took the initiative to befriend you and is still approaching you, then you literally have nothing to worry about between the two of you. Your initial post made it sound like she is mad at you because you kept asking if she is OK with you, and not because you kept asking if she herself is OK [with her bf].
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Old 20th December 2017, 6:23 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Nilfiry View Post
If she took the initiative to befriend you and is still approaching you, then you literally have nothing to worry about between the two of you. Your initial post made it sound like she is mad at you because you kept asking if she is OK with you, and not because you kept asking if she herself is OK [with her bf].
Sorry no I meant that she has an interesting relationship. Like what she does for work and the people she dates are not normal. When shes down or something happens she always wants me to come to her. But when I was down just this once she got sick of me asking if we were ok. I realized my faults and obviously its trust issues and insecurity. But I've also never dealt with a personality that's so guarded since im usually so open and emotional. She's not. So right now I haven't messaged her after she says she has a problem with me asking her this all the time. I'm removing myself for a few days and then I'll reach out. But I'm nervous by time i reach out she may not respond.
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Old 20th December 2017, 6:29 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Nilfiry View Post
If she took the initiative to befriend you and is still approaching you, then you literally have nothing to worry about between the two of you. Your initial post made it sound like she is mad at you because you kept asking if she is OK with you, and not because you kept asking if she herself is OK [with her bf].
Or should I message her today?
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Old 20th December 2017, 6:31 PM   #10
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OK, so if she's calling you, then she's not upset at you. The only reason to think she's upset would be if she stopped calling you or got *obviously* angry at you.

From the way you describe her relating to you and the fact that she has a very chequered history with friends (or lack of friends), I'd be willing to lay money that she has some type of social skill disorder. Aspergers comes to mind as a possibility. Not that this is necessarily a problem, but you will need to make accommodations for her if you wish to continue the friendship.

She is not going to be the friend who understand how to listen to your problems. She will be your friend in the way she knows how.

Last edited by basil67; 20th December 2017 at 6:33 PM..
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Old 20th December 2017, 6:34 PM   #11
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Or should I message her today?
If you do message her, just be normal. Send the type of text you would if everything was fine.
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Old 20th December 2017, 6:34 PM   #12
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Maybe Iím feeling insecure because while Iím giving out my full friendship and being sincere that maybe sheís not being sincere entirely. Iíve dealt with people that sucked me emotionally and I may just not trust her. I feel like she will find someone else and start to fade away. She always told me all her friends left her or used her. Usually thatís a red flag for me because I want to know why. Iíve been told that story before and the person turned out to use me.
That is an understandable concern; however, it would be foolish to expect that everyone you open up to will return it to you in kind. You just have to give people the benefit of the doubt while accepting that you may just be wasting your time and efforts. Life is like a gamble, after all. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Only you can decide for yourself whether the gamble is worth playing. If you decide it is worth trying, then try your best and have no regrets.

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Sorry no I meant that she has an interesting relationship. Like what she does for work and the people she dates are not normal. When shes down or something happens she always wants me to come to her. But when I was down just this once she got sick of me asking if we were ok. I realized my faults and obviously its trust issues and insecurity. But I've also never dealt with a personality that's so guarded since im usually so open and emotional. She's not. So right now I haven't messaged her after she says she has a problem with me asking her this all the time. I'm removing myself for a few days and then I'll reach out. But I'm nervous by time i reach out she may not respond.
In this case, it sounds like the two of you are more alike than you think. You both seem to have some trust issues. People are not guarded for no reason, after all. You are just dealing with someone like yourself, but less willing to open up again. Although, it is not like your situation is incorrigible or anything.

If this is a friendship you are willing to put some effort in, all you have to do is respond and apologize while explaining why you are the way you are. There is no need to wait a few days. Just do it now. If she responds in kind, then you know there is hope for things to work out.
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Old 20th December 2017, 6:44 PM   #13
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That is an understandable concern; however, it would be foolish to expect that everyone you open up to will return it to you in kind. You just have to give people the benefit of the doubt while accepting that you may just be wasting your time and efforts. Life is like a gamble, after all. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Only you can decide for yourself whether the gamble is worth playing. If you decide it is worth trying, then try your best and have no regrets.



In this case, it sounds like the two of you are more alike than you think. You both seem to have some trust issues. People are not guarded for no reason, after all. You are just dealing with someone like yourself, but less willing to open up again. Although, it is not like your situation is incorrigible or anything.

If this is a friendship you are willing to put some effort in, all you have to do is respond and apologize while explaining why you are the way you are. There is no need to wait a few days. Just do it now. If she responds in kind, then you know there is hope for things to work out.

Yeah and its like its not a CONSTANT thing I asked her. I maybe asked her this 2-3 times. I mean I've only known her for 2 months. Don't you have to ask questions anyways? Like I just asked her about why is she hanging out with me when I'm completely opposite and a goody two shoes? She let me know the kind of work she does and she allowed me to see her family.

Do you think aside from annoying her that I hurt her feelings when I asked her does she have a problem with me? She has told me she doesn't show feelings that much and she does "care" a little about me.
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Old 20th December 2017, 6:45 PM   #14
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If you do message her, just be normal. Send the type of text you would if everything was fine.
I'm thinking of responding in a way oh " Sorry if I keep annoying or hurt your feelings by asking that. I have anxiety and with my past it gets the best of me when things are not balanced! Hope you forgive me and I hope your day is going well!

Does that sound appropriate?
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Old 20th December 2017, 7:03 PM   #15
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Yeah and its like its not a CONSTANT thing I asked her. I maybe asked her this 2-3 times. I mean I've only known her for 2 months. Don't you have to ask questions anyways? Like I just asked her about why is she hanging out with me when I'm completely opposite and a goody two shoes? She let me know the kind of work she does and she allowed me to see her family.

Do you think aside from annoying her that I hurt her feelings when I asked her does she have a problem with me? She has told me she doesn't show feelings that much and she does "care" a little about me.

I'm thinking of responding in a way oh " Sorry if I keep annoying or hurt your feelings by asking that. I have anxiety and with my past it gets the best of me when things are not balanced! Hope you forgive me and I hope your day is going well!

Does that sound appropriate?
No, you don't have to ask questions. And certainly not why she's hanging out with you. She hangs out with you because she likes you - there is no bigger answer to the question. When you have a friend, just be friends. Don't question or delve deeply into it all.

There's no sense in trying to figure out how you made her feel with your questions. Just accept that she doesn't like it and stop doing it. The reason why she doesn't like it are neither here nor there. Though to be fair, I'd get very tired of a friend asking this three times in two months as well. Reassuring friends that all is well gets very old, very quickly. It's like having an insecure lover.

And no, don't send that message. She doesn't like all that touchy feely stuff, so don't bother her with it further. I really meant it when I said to send a text just like you would on any other day when things are normal.

Last edited by basil67; 20th December 2017 at 7:05 PM..
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