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Should I accept her apology?


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Old 19th December 2017, 7:06 PM   #1
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Should I accept her apology?

A year ago I fell out with a very close friend because our daughters (11 years old) started not to get along. My friend sent me a long, harsh email insulting my daughter and ends the message with the hope that our friendship can withstand this. I got my daughter's side to how her daughter had been treating her and seems she was very hurtful to my daughter. My daughter spoke to her several times asking her not to treat her that way but she continues to. Leading up to this I began to realize my friend is very self centred, charming, manipulative and controlling. I caught her in lies. Listened to endless gossip about her other 'close' friends and the endless drama that she was dealing with. She doesn't even know my family nor spends much time listening to my life. She and her friends would even ignore my contributions to a conversation when speaking in a circle of friends. I felt like her pet or pawn/ornament in her life. I began to try and distance myself more and more seeing she was not a good friend for me. Her insulting my daughter was the tip of the iceberg and I stopped talking to her. She asked my boyfriend why and he told her exactly why. She sent me a saying that says I misunderstood her and shouldn't throw away our friendship. I ignored it cause it wasn't an apology.

A year later, I hear from her again saying, "sorry for whatever happened. I miss you. merry Christmas". I don't know if I should reply. Doesn't seem like a real apology.
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Old 19th December 2017, 7:15 PM   #2
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What's a real apology supposed to sound like?
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Old 19th December 2017, 7:41 PM   #3
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Beyond, I would not respond were it me....she knows what she did and has placed the blame on you in her first correspondence and then denied that she knew by "whatever happened" comment.

Keep your distance and create a new circle if you need to but avoid her and (it appears) her friends that ignored you as well.
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Old 19th December 2017, 8:20 PM   #4
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I'm not one to automatically jump in and blame "the other child" when I hear stories like this, especially when it comes to middle school girls . However. In this case, it sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I'd guess this woman is also the type to post a lot on Facebook about mean girls (meaning, adult women, like cheer squad moms or something) and hating all the drama, but secretly loving it. My point is, it sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in this family, especially with regard to what you said about her gossiping.

Her "apology" wasn't an apology. It was the same as if she'd say, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

I have a teenage daughter. When she was in middle school, or maybe it was actually 9th grade by then, the mom of one of her friends and I talked at length about how her daughter was feeling left out of "the squad" my daughter was a part of. She was particularly displeased with another girl (not my daughter) and what she perceived as manipulation to get the other girls not to like her child. That may have been true, but I also heard from my daughter why the girl was not being included as much, and it was because she was a compulsive liar/exaggerator. The whole situation was so stressful as a mom, for both of us moms, but never once did EITHER of us insult each other's daughters OR each other. We discussed it like two moms in this together because we each genuinely cared about all of the girls involved.

Find new friends who don't gossip and who respect each other.
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Old 19th December 2017, 10:16 PM   #5
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It's a half assed apology but she's laying the ground work for civility. Respond Happy Holidays to you too but say nothing else & don't go out of your way to do anything for her or her daughter. You want to teach your daughter to stick up for herself but in a civil gracious manner.
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Old 19th December 2017, 10:20 PM   #6
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beyondcrushed,
Your ex-friend is just trying to wheedle her way back into your life, so don't respond.

She's unskilled at resolving conflict and unskilled at apologising as well. However, that doesn't mean you should feel sorry for her. I'd keep your distance and just be polite but cool if you see her.

You know what they say ; "when people show you who they are, believe them"
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Old 19th December 2017, 10:56 PM   #7
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Life is better without some people in it.

No response needed
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Old 20th December 2017, 2:04 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kgcolonel View Post
... placed the blame on you in her first correspondence and then denied that she knew ...
This is exactly what my gut is feeling. I agree.
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Old 20th December 2017, 2:10 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
... sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in this family,
She is very much turning out to be like her mother. Another reason I wanted to distance myself. I didn't want my daughter to had a friend who didn't treat her respectfully or kindly.

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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
.... "apology" wasn't an apology. It was the same as if she'd say, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

The whole situation was so stressful as a mom, for both of us moms, but never once did EITHER of us insult each other's daughters OR each other. We discussed it like two moms in this together because we each genuinely cared about all of the girls involved.

Find new friends who don't gossip and who respect each other.
My thoughts exactly. And yes stressful! Sounds like your friends are mature to handle these situations. Another mom of my other daughter's friend handled a similar situation very maturely with our daughters, "I'm not getting involved. they'll figure things out" which I agreed, and they did. Thanks!
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Old 20th December 2017, 2:15 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
It's a half assed apology but she's laying the ground work for civility. Respond Happy Holidays to you too but say nothing else & don't go out of your way to do anything for her or her daughter. You want to teach your daughter to stick up for herself but in a civil gracious manner.
Yes, exactly what I was hoping to teach them. Seems to be working-- she hasn't been accepting bad behaviour from her friends and sticking up for herself, and even her sisters.

Yes, exactly, her way toward civility. I was thinking of replying Merry Christmas too. But on the fence about it. However, we do live in the same small town and our children go to the same school. Our paths will cross at some point. I would like to be on civil terms. Makes it less awkward.
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Old 20th December 2017, 2:17 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Arieswoman View Post

She's unskilled at resolving conflict and unskilled at apologising as well. ....... I'd keep your distance and just be polite but cool if you see her.

You know what they say ; "when people show you who they are, believe them"
Yes she seemed to be unskilled (immature) socially. Stuck in high school at middle age. Yes, this will never change, this is who she is. If we started chumming around again, I would feel the same in short order. Not to mention my daughter. Thanks.
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Old 20th December 2017, 8:16 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Arieswoman View Post
beyondcrushed,
Your ex-friend is just trying to wheedle her way back into your life, so don't respond.

She's unskilled at resolving conflict and unskilled at apologising as well. However, that doesn't mean you should feel sorry for her. I'd keep your distance and just be polite but cool if you see her.

You know what they say ; "when people show you who they are, believe them"
^^This. And you would NEVER feel sorry for her. But sometimes abhorrent behavior is illuminated and put on blast. So the other party can have complete honestly within themselves..
I would tell them Merry Christmas, and show the example you want to live in. If she contacts you, Be honest and forthright. Tell her she has good qualities that you enjoy being around, but the "highlighted" issues do lots of damage and makes her a not very sound friend. Wish her the best, and hope for a better future.
It's kinda like, taking the bedroom mirror and placing it squarely in front of themselves. Sometimes, that's all that's needed. Maybe it can turn around and you have a quality friend back. If not, you were honest and you have your integrity and strength to show to your daughter.
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Old 20th December 2017, 9:17 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
^^This. And you would NEVER feel sorry for her. But sometimes abhorrent behavior is illuminated and put on blast. So the other party can have complete honestly within themselves..
I would tell them Merry Christmas, and show the example you want to live in. If she contacts you, Be honest and forthright. Tell her she has good qualities that you enjoy being around, but the "highlighted" issues do lots of damage and makes her a not very sound friend. Wish her the best, and hope for a better future.
It's kinda like, taking the bedroom mirror and placing it squarely in front of themselves. Sometimes, that's all that's needed. Maybe it can turn around and you have a quality friend back. If not, you were honest and you have your integrity and strength to show to your daughter.
This is great, thank you. Confirms what I was thinking. I wished her, "Merry Christmas to you too". and I was also thinking that if she contacts me again, I will then tell her the overall problem, clear and simple. But will continue my distance cause it will be the same dynamic all over again.
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Old 20th December 2017, 9:37 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by beyondcrushed View Post
This is great, thank you. Confirms what I was thinking. I wished her, "Merry Christmas to you too". and I was also thinking that if she contacts me again, I will then tell her the overall problem, clear and simple. But will continue my distance cause it will be the same dynamic all over again.
Why would you even entertain remaining in contact with someone(a grown up) who insulted your child and then acted like nothing happened is beyond me.

You should have responded with crickets.

Because even responding "Merry Christmas" shows her that you care about not only what she thinks, but also your friendship.

Reading your initial post and the Laundry List of things she did to you, I think you need only reread it to remind you why responding was a bad idea. You have now invited her unwittingly to contact you again.
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Old 20th December 2017, 4:23 PM   #15
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Why would you even entertain remaining in contact with someone(a grown up) who insulted your child and then acted like nothing happened is beyond me.

You should have responded with crickets.

Because even responding "Merry Christmas" shows her that you care about not only what she thinks, but also your friendship.

Reading your initial post and the Laundry List of things she did to you, I think you need only reread it to remind you why responding was a bad idea. You have now invited her unwittingly to contact you again.
I understand what you are saying. All very good comments/advice. She can conclude or assume what she wants from my response. I am keeping things the same and continuing with life without her. She knows why, even if she feigns ignorance. At least now, if I run into her cause of the kids and school, it won't be a big deal. We will be friendly but she will know we are not friends. That she will live with for the rest of her life, especially when she misses me.
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