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Friends with ex does seem possible


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Old 13th December 2017, 7:11 AM   #1
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Friends with ex does seem possible

We broke up with my girlfriend of 8 months and we were on all account a healthy couple. Both of us did some wrong like imposing the silence treatment on each others for weeks which led to the break up a week ago.

However, she keeps mentioning how much a great guy I was to her. Kind, patient and fairly generous.

I also have nothing much to complain about her. She did a lot of nice things to me. Also offered multiple Cds from artist I love and so forth.

We are still texting in the evening to know whats up with us.

I found that staying friends with a recent ex is possible and ultimately the best way for a personal inner peace. This break up wasnt awful, so in this case, why not?
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Old 13th December 2017, 8:21 AM   #2
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i have stayed friends with my exes i don't have sex with exes......my ex calls me multiple times a day......we have kids together..he has been with others and i have been with others....and thats where i guess shanex a distinction comes in.....is when you eventually are in a relationship with another....where more firm boundaries and restrictions i guess need to be in place.....where someone else might be made uncomfortable by constant contact with an ex......its fine to both be single and in close contact......but respect for other parties when it is the case of being with someone else.... needs to be shown...but that is just my opinion.....deb
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Old 13th December 2017, 8:41 AM   #3
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Firstly, thatís a shame because you seemed happy with this girl.

Now to your question, are you ok with her telling you about guys she is dating and sleeping with? Do you have any romantic feelings for her?

How about her? Would she be ok hearing about a new woman in your life?

I grant you if they were a good person a friendship is possible but once emotions get involved it complicates things.

Iím not friends with any of my exes. I make it a policy to cut them out of my life.
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Old 13th December 2017, 9:18 AM   #4
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I have never felt the need to be mean or dismissive with an EX. I always dated good people. Staying friends is another story however. I am a firm believer that its unhealthy for EXs to keep tabs on one another. Yes, I'm happy they are happy & healthy but I don't need to know their daily activities & I certainly don't want to know about their search for a new love / romance.

I think you & her texting every evening is too much. While you have that crutch it will prevent you from moving on. You are not going to be able to keep it up once one of you starts to date again.
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Old 13th December 2017, 9:42 AM   #5
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I've stayed friends with several exes. It depends on how and why you split up, basically. There are many with whom I had no further contact.
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Old 13th December 2017, 12:52 PM   #6
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Thanks guys and gals.

For now I have no idea if she is sleeping or dating other men already. I surely am not. Would it bother me? Not really, it would be understandable but what she told me was ''I need time to concentrate on myself'' so very unlikely.

Of course in a month, 3 months or a year she may be again in a happy, steady relationship and good on her. I don't want to live off resentment and bitterness. Thats life. No doubt I will meet someone too, again, theres no hurry for me too.

As for staying friends, donnivain is onto something. I will keep her updated once a week and it should be sufficient shortly after this breakup.

Seeing each other casually in real life is tricky as she lives two hours a drive.

Sevencity: I also have sort of a rule to never ever stay friend with some exe, she is for now the only exception.
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Old 13th December 2017, 6:49 PM   #7
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Glad to hear you both are on friendly terms. Be at peace and don't allow negative thoughts, jealousy, strife, etc. enter your mind and heart. I'm sure there's a great girl in your future.
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Old 13th December 2017, 6:54 PM   #8
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A lot of people here on LS advocate strongly for NC after a breakup. While I've come to realise that perhaps it is important for most to go NC to try and heal, if there is minimal pain and resentment during and immediately after the breakup, there really isn't any other reason not to remain friends.

A friend of mine split up with her on/off BF a few months ago. She was a mess for a couple of days but after talking with him (he was a part of her friendship group) they decided that being friends was the best option. I can't see much in the way of pain (or continued interest, conversely) on either side now.

Sometimes you were always meant to be just friends with each other, and nothing more. I believe a relationship requires additional levels of compatibility which don't always exist even if it exists at a friendship level. I think if both people realise that, and understand the context of any pain caused then being friends is a natural result from that.
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Old 13th December 2017, 7:27 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by snowboy91 View Post
A lot of people here on LS advocate strongly for NC after a breakup. While I've come to realise that perhaps it is important for most to go NC to try and heal, if there is minimal pain and resentment during and immediately after the breakup, there really isn't any other reason not to remain friends.

A friend of mine split up with her on/off BF a few months ago. She was a mess for a couple of days but after talking with him (he was a part of her friendship group) they decided that being friends was the best option. I can't see much in the way of pain (or continued interest, conversely) on either side now.

Sometimes you were always meant to be just friends with each other, and nothing more. I believe a relationship requires additional levels of compatibility which don't always exist even if it exists at a friendship level. I think if both people realise that, and understand the context of any pain caused then being friends is a natural result from that.

love this post...so on repeat.....deb
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Old 14th December 2017, 1:00 AM   #10
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It's only been a week so I wouldn't get too settled about what she is right now. You're not sure what she will become, really, as it's too soon to gauge her behavior or what she wants from you. She may be set on getting back with you and thus that's why the evening contact. You never know. I would give this one time before you assume the friendship will work out long-term.
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Old 21st December 2017, 6:08 PM   #11
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Friends with exes is definitely 100% possible. In fact, I think it's healthier TO be friends with your ex rather than not be, but sometimes being friends just isn't possible. Honestly I really never understood why people think that it's 'normal' or 'expected' for people to not be friends with their exes anymore, EVEN when they're in a relationship with someone else. Your ex and you had a time together that you literally are never going to forget. Isn't it better to be on friendly terms with them at least rather than pretend like you two don't exist?


It seriously pisses me off that people assume that when one stays friends with their exes, automatically that means that they're hoping eventually they'll get back together or that they just want something more out of it. That is not ****ing true. I'm still pretty good friends with one of my exes. We don't talk as much as we used to, but we're still cool and I still have a great amount of respect for her, which I can only assume she does as well...sorry but that is my friend and they were here LONG before you ever were. If you can't handle the fact that I'm mature enough to still be good friends with someone I used to be intimate with, then that's fine. I'll find someone more secure than that. There are plenty of people who don't feel the least bit threatened by opposite sex friends, including exes. I hate to say it but that's a big part of why I really don't come here anymore because so many people here have this toxic point of view that exes should always be taboo *smfh*.


I actually PREFER that my partner is still in contact with her exes because it shows great emotional maturity. Sorry but it doesn't matter how much you try to get your partner to not be in contact with their ex. If they're gonna cheat on you, they are gonna cheat on you no matter how much you try to control them. Just let them be themselves. People tend to really respect those who don't try to control how they live their lives. Huge difference between setting boundaries and setting rules as a means of controlling ones partner.
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Old 21st December 2017, 6:14 PM   #12
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My ex wants to be friends. I can't yet. In a year or 2, probably.
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Old 21st December 2017, 6:20 PM   #13
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Update

Hey guys.

So following donnivain advices, I text her much less now. Usually a time or two a week. It seems logical to not overdo communication since we are not together anymore.

Since Christmas is approaching real fast, I had a secret gift to her: a DVD which I sent thru mail along with kind words wishing her merry Christmas. She just got it tonight and was very, very touched. She did not even know how to thank me. 'Oh just texting me thank you is fine', I replied.

We are on very good terms. I intend to see her sometimes in january, to wish her happy new year in person and have a chit chat.

Thanks Zay for reviving this thread since I had to mention here the latest development.
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Old 21st December 2017, 6:25 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Shanex View Post
Hey guys.

So following donnivain advices, I text her much less now. Usually a time or two a week. It seems logical to not overdo communication since we are not together anymore.

Since Christmas is approaching real fast, I had a secret gift to her: a DVD which I sent thru mail along with kind words wishing her merry Christmas. She just got it tonight and was very, very touched. She did not even know how to thank me. 'Oh just texting me thank you is fine', I replied.

We are on very good terms. I intend to see her sometimes in january, to wish her happy new year in person and have a chit chat.

Thanks Zay for reviving this thread since I had to mention here the latest development.


That's how it should be. Like I said I seriously have no idea why people think this kind of behavior is weird or indicative that something more is going on. Me and my last ex hung out on New Years with her boyfriend there as well and it was completely fine.
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Old 21st December 2017, 10:33 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by ZayKayWill View Post
That's how it should be. Like I said I seriously have no idea why people think this kind of behavior is weird or indicative that something more is going on. Me and my last ex hung out on New Years with her boyfriend there as well and it was completely fine.
It depends on the situation. If you were dumped and you didnít want it, chances are your friendship is a ploy to get back with them.

Also, it depends how much you loved the person and how badly you were hurt in the breakup.

People give that advice because the dumpee often is hurt more by a friendship and has a harder time moving on.

If youíre not in a place where the friendship will hinder your healing, I donít think anyone would have issues with a friendship.


Most people come here because they were devistated by a breakup. The worst advice to them is to seek friendship with their ex.

For me, I donít keep in contact with my exes as they are no longer part of my life. Someone said some good words to me many many years ago ďOnly look forward, never look backĒ.
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