How to handle this situation?

[Back_Again]

So my ex and I have decided to stay friends, and I wouldn't mind with benefits if things go well.

 

 

I should preface this by stating that for private reasons that I won't get into, I do NOT want a relationship (with anyone, I didn't even want it with him, nor he with me, but it just happened), and I will never marry or move in with a guy. This is important to keep in mind. My ex, for different reasons, is of the same mind, he is not looking for any of those things either, so we are basically giving each other what we need in life (mostly companionship). We've known each other for many years, are comfortable with each other and have a ton of things in common, that I don't have with anyone else.

 

 

Now...my BFF hates my ex, because he has treated me poorly at times, and then dumped me. As women usually do, I always vented to her about the bad stuff, but the reality is that I never spent time telling her about the good stuff! She thinks I should have nothing further to do with him and that I should meet a great, relationship-oriented man. Which under normal circumstances is true, but remember my situation I talked about... She just cannot comprehend that the relationship-oriented man will eventually want more than I am willing to give!

 

 

Anyway, my BFF is adamant that I shouldn't be talking with him at all, she won't even hear it when I say I want to be friends with him. She is very harsh about it, she has basically forbidden me to talk to him! Now I'm an adult and know better than her what I want and don't want, so I'm not too happy about her thinking she can run my life... Friends are supposed to give their opinions, yes, but then try to be supportive because at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our life decisions... She is just making me feel like an idiot for even wanting the guy in my life and is not trying to understand where I'm coming from, even though she knows the private situation I mentioned earlier.

 

 

I am now on speaking terms with my ex, trying to build a friendship back, but I haven't told my BFF because I don't want her negativity, or her reminding me all the bad stuff about my relationship with him (I know it, I don't need reminders), or her insults directed my way for allowing him back into my life. She doesn't know that I didn't allow him, I actually actively initiated the friendship myself.

 

 

So...what do I do from here? Do I just keep it a secret from her? I hate lying, but I don't see her conceding and trying to understand and be supportive... she would just try to discourage me and put doubt and bad thoughts into my head. One of the reasons for her behavior is also that she prefers me to be single, as I am the only female friend she has to go out with. But I can't and don't want to live my life with only her in it, especially since she has a full life herself and is basically only seeing me when she wants to go out and party.

 

 

Has anyone been in a situation where your BFF hated your ex, was firm about you not having anything to do with him again? How did you handle it?

[olivetree]

Your BFF has your back.

She doesn't need to hear the good stuff because she knows that anyone who did any of that bad stuff you put up with doesn't deserve to be in your life.

 

Thank your friend for caring about your well-being so much and let her know how much you value your friendship.

Explain to her that you need to live your own life and that if this is a mistake, it's one you're going to have to learn the hard way.

Tell her she is going to have to accept that and you won't be discussing the topic with her anymore since it is a point of contention for you two.

[MsJayne]

You shouldn't have to keep secrets from your BFF. It depends on how badly your ex treated you whether or not she has a right to interfere. If he was abusive then I can see where she's coming from, and maybe you should be questioning why you want him in your life instead of questioning her motives for wanting you single. Thing is, if you feel you have to keep your friendship with your ex a secret, it means that deep down you know you're making a mistake. If, on the other hand, he's just a garden variety jerk who hasn't really hurt you, then she should mind her own business. Without knowing exactly what "treating you poorly" means, it's hard to say whether your BFF is being caring or being controlling.

[angel.eyes]

There is absolutely no reason to keep someone who treated you badly in your life. None.

 

It's not a binary choice--him or nothing. There are lots of men out there who aren't looking for a relationship that you can befriend.

[Back_Again]

Your BFF has your back.

She doesn't need to hear the good stuff because she knows that anyone who did any of that bad stuff you put up with doesn't deserve to be in your life.

 

Thank your friend for caring about your well-being so much and let her know how much you value your friendship.

Explain to her that you need to live your own life and that if this is a mistake, it's one you're going to have to learn the hard way.

Tell her she is going to have to accept that and you won't be discussing the topic with her anymore since it is a point of contention for you two.

 

I do appreciate that she cares, but I wish she understood that she cannot make decisions for me, and I wish she was more understanding and flexible. As in, yes, Back_Again, try it and if it works out great, if not then you know what to do.

[Back_Again]

You shouldn't have to keep secrets from your BFF. It depends on how badly your ex treated you whether or not she has a right to interfere. If he was abusive then I can see where she's coming from, and maybe you should be questioning why you want him in your life instead of questioning her motives for wanting you single. Thing is, if you feel you have to keep your friendship with your ex a secret, it means that deep down you know you're making a mistake. If, on the other hand, he's just a garden variety jerk who hasn't really hurt you, then she should mind her own business. Without knowing exactly what "treating you poorly" means, it's hard to say whether your BFF is being caring or being controlling.

 

No, he was not abusive at all. He had told me 10 years ago that he is not good with relationships and would rather not be in one, and repeated it to me many times, but I never listened and always pushed one on him. He tried, but since he is just not the relationship type of guy, it of course didn't work out and he was unable to give me what I wanted. He hurt me because he was fighting to be free, while I was trying to keep him close.

Had I listened to what he was actually saying, that he is just not a relationship type of guy, and stayed friends with him from the beginning, it would have been much better. So I'm not without blame in all of this, he didn't lead me on and promised a happily ever after.

So now that the relationship is over, I still want him in my life as a friend, as he should have been. I am good with friendship at this point, because I finally realized and accepted that he would never make me happy as a partner, and plus I am at an age where romance, sex and passion are no longer on the forefront of my preoccupations, companionship is much more important.

 

My BFF refuses to believe me, and still wants me to shut him out of my life. But, when I feel down or lonely, she's nowhere to be found because she has a huge family and is busy all the time. My family is thousands of miles away, and I am always alone. It's not easy making good friends (men and women), so when I know someone whom I have lots in common with, I will do my best to keep them around.

[Back_Again]

There is absolutely no reason to keep someone who treated you badly in your life. None.

 

It's not a binary choice--him or nothing. There are lots of men out there who aren't looking for a relationship that you can befriend.

 

I tried, and I am still trying. There really are not that many men like that out there...all I have gotten were requests for sex, or shallow conversations that annoyed me to no end. When I mention the word "connection", "friendship", they look at me like I have 2 heads. One actually asked me if that meant I wanted to be wined and dined before I put out lol.

On the contrary, my ex is old fashioned, like me. He is always respectful in that way, sex is not important to him and he knows the value of a deep conversation. He has a value I am unable to find in others. I couldn't care less about the relationship, I'm over that. I do care about friendship and shared values though, which we do have, if romance is taken out of the equation. Some people are just meant to be friends.

[halleysinvestigation]

every failed relationship are almost always consist of secret keeping, my advise is for you to do your best to always open up even if it's uncomfortable.

[angel.eyes]

No, he was not abusive at all. He had told me 10 years ago that he is not good with relationships and would rather not be in one, and repeated it to me many times, but I never listened and always pushed one on him. He tried, but since he is just not the relationship type of guy, it of course didn't work out and he was unable to give me what I wanted. He hurt me because he was fighting to be free, while I was trying to keep him close.

Had I listened to what he was actually saying, that he is just not a relationship type of guy, and stayed friends with him from the beginning, it would have been much better. So I'm not without blame in all of this, he didn't lead me on and promised a happily ever after.

So now that the relationship is over, I still want him in my life as a friend, as he should have been. I am good with friendship at this point, because I finally realized and accepted that he would never make me happy as a partner, and plus I am at an age where romance, sex and passion are no longer on the forefront of my preoccupations, companionship is much more important.

 

My BFF refuses to believe me, and still wants me to shut him out of my life. But, when I feel down or lonely, she's nowhere to be found because she has a huge family and is busy all the time. My family is thousands of miles away, and I am always alone. It's not easy making good friends (men and women), so when I know someone whom I have lots in common with, I will do my best to keep them around.

 

The additional info is very helpful.

 

Nonetheless, you're still making a mistake by choosing him. Giving up most of what you need in a relationship just so that you can have a warm body around to ward off the loneliness when your friends are busy with their families is unfair to you. You should be focused on trying to find someone who is willing and interested in meeting your needs. This guy isn't it, and as long as he's hanging around in your life, you aren't going to find someone who meets most of your needs. You aren't going to find happiness and satisfaction.

 

As for the difficulty of finding someone who shares your values, two things--

• There are guys out there who aren't just looking for a quick roll in the hay. You may have to sift through a lot of frogs to find them, but that's par for the course in dating.
  
• It sounds as if you aren't looking in the right places for the type of guy you need. If you're more conservative, look in places where you are more likely to encounter those types of guys. It's not 100%, but it will give you better odds of finding someone compatible.
  

 

Best of luck!

Edited December 1, 2017 by angel.eyes

[anika99]

Having read your other thread about this guy and your history with him I totally understand why your BFF is not buying what you are selling. This guy just broke up with you a few weeks ago for one thing and up until then you totally wanted the relationship thing. Now all of a sudden you're a changed woman? Not likely.

 

You've just found yet another excuse to keep this toxic man, who you have obsessed over for the past ten years (most likely because he is and always has been unavailable and you most likely have some childhood issues regarding that) in your life. You think offering him a friends hopefully with benefits is a clever way to hold on to this unhealthy relationship but really you have just lowered your expectations even further then they already were where this guy is concerned.

 

This guy is not even a good friend. Friends don't lie, evade and deceive each other. The only good thing you have ever said about him is that he's good at conversation. And you pretend to yourself that he's the only person in the world who can carry on a conversation so that you have another lame reason to hold onto him. If all your after is conversation then there are plenty of people in the world for that. Doesn't even have to be a man. Open yourself up to new friendships in general. Join a group of some sort and make an effort to get to know new men and women instead of spending your life on this toxic using ex of yours.

 

Be thankful for your BFF. She is being protective of you and she is way more objective and level headed where this guy is concerned. You don't need a friendship with him, you need to let him go for real so that you can finally move on in your life.