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is this friendship over?


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Old 23rd November 2017, 10:23 AM   #1
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is this friendship over?

Hi everyone! I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

I'm in my mid-twenties and have known one of my closest friends for about 15 years. I'm considering ending it.

A while back, I had a problem: I called every hotel in the area, but couldn't find a place to stay. They were closed, or booked out. No public transport. I called this friend who lives in the area, to ask if me and my boyfriend could stay on her couch for a few hours. This was the first time it happened.

She told me her boyfriend (who lives in Afghanistan and has never set foot in this country) doesn't want my boyfriend around, so I could come but he had to stay outside. My friend isn't afghan: she's like 100% European. She visits him every six month or so.

I can understand how you'd be uncomfortable having a guy around, but I feel extremely offended she'd leave me on the street because of her boyfriend. (part of it is probably also that I just don't respect her boyfriend much) This is just one incident, but I've been a bit annoyed with her for a while already.

There are also other issues.

I've always disliked her boyfriend. He has visa issues, money issues, housing issues, schooling issues...I've listened to her complain for years. And it's never his own fault, fate just dealt him a bad hand. People who dislike him are just racist. People who won't pay for him are idiots. She refers to him as her husband, even though they are not married which gets on my nerves to no end. Even when things are good and she has nothing to complain about I'm sick of hearing about him. He makes bets with her about how long my relationships last because "you know, she's European".

She makes comments about my weight (she's overweight herself, I'm not) or my acne scars. She's jealous about the amount of free time I have and the amount of time I get to spend with my local boyfriend (she told me so).

She also has very positive traits of course and we've been very close friends for years, but I'm kind of fed up. I don't like the person I am around her. I get snarky and mean. I often feel stressed after meeting up and I feel resentful. I feel like we don't share the same values anymore. I'm considering ending the friendship for good. I'm not sure if I'm taking a hasty decision though.

Any advice?
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Old 23rd November 2017, 10:43 AM   #2
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once the relationship stops working for you it's time to end it
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Old 9th January 2018, 7:51 AM   #3
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So since my last post, I broke off all contact with my friend. I am having doubts though if I'm being too harsh on her.

We obviously have diverging values and while it is her right not to want my boyfriend around, I can't get over the fact she told me to spend the night at her place and leave my boyfriend outside, alone. The worst part is she thought that was really funny. She then joked how she would have done that if she was me.

I can't get over the fact she expects me to be around whenever she wants to go out and tells me I owe her my time, because after all we've know each other for 15 years...a few days after she told me stuff like that....

I don't know, am I getting buthurt over nothing? We had issues before, but that was like the final straw. Somehow I want to mend this friendship, but I really can't get over this last incident.
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Old 10th January 2018, 6:27 PM   #4
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I don't like it when old friends want to just crash at my house. Why? Because the ones that do that to me were nearly always friends who weren't actively trying to get together socially anymore but just wanted to use me for a free place to stay. I tell them no. Now, if they are seeing me socially once a month or whatever or they're long distance but we're talking on the phone a couple of hours every couple of months, then I'm going to offer before they have to ask. I'm going to invite But in my most recent case, it's a friend from decades ago who hasn't even bothered to return an email the last time I tried to check up on her, even though she gave me the address as if she wanted to do better at keeping up. Plus first she tries a friend of mine she was closer with, who has also cut her off because she'll say she's coming into town, usually for a gig, and then never show up or show up in the middle of the night. So my friend cut her off, so then she tried calling me and I just ignored it.

Adding a strange man to the mix is kind of unreasonable. I mean, if you knew a friend well enough to know she wouldn't bring someone if he couldn't be trusted, that's one thing, but like in my old friend's case, her last man, the father of her child, was a wingnut I only met once (that's all it took) who later shot himself to death in front of her and the kid. So not all old friends have good judgement.

Also, everyone has something going on. Like I work at home. Or they work out and don't want to leave you and your strange man at their home alone, perfectly understandable. Or they have a routine and want to go to bed early, whatever. She has her life. It sounds like there's a lot of tensions between you two already, so why should she bend over backwards to accommodate you?
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Old 11th January 2018, 4:37 AM   #5
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I don't like it when old friends want to just crash at my house. Why? Because the ones that do that to me were nearly always friends who weren't actively trying to get together socially anymore but just wanted to use me for a free place to stay.

Adding a strange man to the mix is kind of unreasonable. I mean, if you knew a friend well enough to know she wouldn't bring someone if he couldn't be trusted, that's one thing, but like in my old friend's case, her last man, the father of her child, was a wingnut I only met once (that's all it took) who later shot himself to death in front of her and the kid. So not all old friends have good judgement.

Also, everyone has something going on. Like I work at home. Or they work out and don't want to leave you and your strange man at their home alone, perfectly understandable. Or they have a routine and want to go to bed early, whatever. She has her life. It sounds like there's a lot of tensions between you two already, so why should she bend over backwards to accommodate you?
This is a friend I saw regularly....I wouldn't even bother calling most people. One of my closest friends actually. Also the reason why I'm upset, I wouldn't post about a superficial friend on a relationship forum.

The second part of your post is actually why I'm having such a hard time with this. I think I mentioned it before, but I understand she doesn't want my boyfriend around. I know he could be a nutter. I know she just might be uncomfortable. It's not because we are friends that she should trust my judgement. Or that I have any right to stay at her place. Concerning that part I have no reason to be angry.

What I'm taking issue with is something else. I had a real problem at that time and instead of just telling me no, I feel uncomfortable having your guy around....she tells me her boyfriend in Afghanistan forbids us to come. And then adds that if it had been up to her she would have accepted, but sadly she can't do anything about it.

At the time I didn't take any issue with it, I just thought she was acting weird.
The next time we met... I wasn't even angry at her then... she was probably feeling guilty, because she started telling me how I should just have left my boyfriend outside, that would have solved the problem. This is what a real arab boyfriend would have done (remember she's not arab). She thought that was quite funny. She also added her boyfriend told her she should be happy he doesn't forbid her to see me/other women.

Shortly later she calls me up to tell me she just had a major success and she wants to go celebrate with a really expensive meal. I then tell her I don't want to spend this much money, but she argued that I owe it to her because we've been friends for so long. That's when I lost it.

Basically, I don't really care about the outcome. I don't really care I had to spend the night outside. But I just can't shake the feeling she enjoyed me being in an "inferior" position and was trying to get a rise out of me. Either that or she truly believes what she said.

In regard to our significant others, there's a lot of history (on both sides), which is probably why I felt like she was trying to get a rise out of me. She takes a lot of digs at my boyfriend, which is probably why I feel so offended about her telling me to leave him at the door. She obviously found the idea very funny.

I don't know. I'm confused. This whole situation is just incredibly weird. I don't know what to think about it.

Maybe it's a cultural issue. She insisted on the fact that it is one. If it's a "cultural issue", I'm not sure whether I should be more tolerant.....even if she's from my culture, her boyfriend isn't. She says a lot of things that are a bit weird for me and a lot of times I have to bite my tongue not to say anything.... then I know if we met today this is something I wouldn't even bother with....but we've really known each other a long time.

Sorry if my post is a bit over the place.
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Old 11th January 2018, 9:41 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by notrespaZing View Post
So since my last post, I broke off all contact with my friend. I am having doubts though if I'm being too harsh on her.

We obviously have diverging values and while it is her right not to want my boyfriend around, I can't get over the fact she told me to spend the night at her place and leave my boyfriend outside, alone. The worst part is she thought that was really funny. She then joked how she would have done that if she was me.

I can't get over the fact she expects me to be around whenever she wants to go out and tells me I owe her my time, because after all we've know each other for 15 years...a few days after she told me stuff like that....

I don't know, am I getting buthurt over nothing? We had issues before, but that was like the final straw. Somehow I want to mend this friendship, but I really can't get over this last incident.
You friendship is kaput. You did the right thing by breaking contact. It happens.
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Old 11th January 2018, 1:18 PM   #7
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It does sound like some cultural issues are in place. For example, I'm born and raised in the US and the idea that a man can tell me whether or not to have friends or what to do with them (unless he is sharing my house) is foreign to me and unacceptable.

That said, old friends do have baggage and hurts over the years and will act out. My oldest friend did something unforgivable and I kicked her out of my life finally. Issues to kind of pile up in any type of relationship and cause what seem like unwarranted reactions because they're digging into the past to deal with the present situation sometimes.

Another thing that is probably going on is she is allowing herself to be influenced by her man. Well, you both probably are. That's where her loyalty lies now, and probably yours as well. I don't like that, personally. I don't see why there has to be a hierarchy between relationships and friends, but it's a common enough phenomenon.

Even you admit your man is of questionable character or whatever. So I have to wonder why you're with him. You certainly can't expect anyone else to take him in when you yourself don't even really trust him. In my experience, when your friends don't like your man, you should listen to them. They are seeing something you may be blinded to by desperation or hopefulness.

My opinion, you both need to make changes in your life where men are concerned. I'm sure if she was living on her own and you showed up on your own, she'd have welcomed you with open arms. So I can only suggest you spend some alone time with her to nurture the friendship, exclusive of the men IF hers will let her.

Only time will tell if this friendship is going to sustain itself or fizzle out. That can and does happen, unfortunately, and it's always hurtful. Good luck.
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Old 12th January 2018, 4:27 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
That said, old friends do have baggage and hurts over the years and will act out. My oldest friend did something unforgivable and I kicked her out of my life finally. Issues to kind of pile up in any type of relationship and cause what seem like unwarranted reactions because they're digging into the past to deal with the present situation sometimes.

Another thing that is probably going on is she is allowing herself to be influenced by her man. Well, you both probably are. That's where her loyalty lies now, and probably yours as well. I don't like that, personally. I don't see why there has to be a hierarchy between relationships and friends, but it's a common enough phenomenon.

Even you admit your man is of questionable character or whatever. So I have to wonder why you're with him. You certainly can't expect anyone else to take him in when you yourself don't even really trust him. In my experience, when your friends don't like your man, you should listen to them. They are seeing something you may be blinded to by desperation or hopefulness.

My opinion, you both need to make changes in your life where men are concerned. I'm sure if she was living on her own and you showed up on your own, she'd have welcomed you with open arms. So I can only suggest you spend some alone time with her to nurture the friendship, exclusive of the men IF hers will let her.

Only time will tell if this friendship is going to sustain itself or fizzle out. That can and does happen, unfortunately, and it's always hurtful. Good luck.
Maybe I worded something wrong....English isn't my strongest language. There's nothing wrong with my boyfriend. He isn't of questionable character. He wouldn't hurt a fly. I was thinking about your example about the guy with the gun and that it is true you should be careful because you never ever know.

Spending time alone has never been an issue. We more or less ONLY spend time alone. Her boyfriend lives on another continent and has never visited, so I've never met him. I don't really bring my bf around either because I know she'd feel excluded.

I have tried avoiding talking about our relationships for a while, but it hasn't really worked. One of us always slips up. We then both get annoyed at each other because we both think the other one is saying weird stuff. For example, she thinks I'm being selfish/immature because I'm not ready to compromise on having male friends and I think she's stuck up because she won't even have small talk with men without feeling "molested". I think she resents me for not taking her seriously. I don't know about her, but I know I get triggered really fast now and will get incredibly annoyed over some trivial stuff. I don't really know what to do besides ignoring the issue tbh.

Thank you for your post it was really helpful!!
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Old 12th January 2018, 12:19 PM   #9
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Some friendships come to a crossroads for good reasons. If you're experiencing a lot of stress and resentment in your interactions with her, it's time to fade out of her life. You can still care about her but acknowledge that the friendship is no longer positive or affirming for either of you.

I agree that she's allowing herself to be unduly influenced by her boyfriend, unfortunately there's little you can say that will persuade her otherwise. She probably isn't as happy as she claims, she might be jealous about the ability of her other friends, including you, to socialize while she's under this guy's influence, so she's lashing out a bit rather than addressing the real issue (her boyfriend's controlling behavior). Possibly she'll end the relationship with this guy at some point and realize the damage that has been done, until then move on.
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Old 27th January 2018, 7:19 AM   #10
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A general lifestyle advice: Something's causing you harm in any way? Cut it loose.
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Old 27th January 2018, 2:19 PM   #11
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If the relationship is causing you a lot of stress and things aren't likely to get better it's usually time to move on.
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Old 29th January 2018, 11:48 PM   #12
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If both parties are willing & able, any relationship can be repaired. I suggest mulling over your own feelings, deciding if you feel capable of being friends with her, & pinpointing what adjustments can be made on your end to work through tensions. It will either be worth it or it won't.

If it's worth it, then you need to decide whether or not she's emotionally ready to communicate & go from there.

If it isn't, then there's no reason to give it any further consideration. You can get caught up in how someone else may or may not be feeling when it's just not relevant to your life anymore. It makes a breakup (friend or otherwise) much more powerful than it should be.
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Old 1st February 2018, 2:01 PM   #13
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Any friendship can be prepared if both sides desire it. That being said a friendship must be 50-50 and the effort must be on both sides and you should be expected to be treated well. Good luck to you.
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