Pushing away people

[penangtravel]

I've been single for a while now, almost 3 years. Been on all the dating sites and it's just not happening... Ive had a couple of month long things but nothing serious.

 

Alot of my friends and family are meeting people and settling down. I can't help but feel jealous. Today I met with a friend who has been single the same amount of time as me but has been dating someone for 6 months or so now. It's quite serious. My sister is getting married this weekend.

 

Whenever I am around them I withdraw into myself. I don't want to tell them about my dates or confess that I am lonely and fed up with being single.

 

So I just shut down. I come across as rude and defensive. I feel like I just want to disappear. At work I am really happy and have some great friends but everyone else just makes me feel ****. I honestly don't know how to deal with it.

 

I am worried I will be standoffish at the wedding and come across as jealous. Which I probably am...what should I do?

[MsJayne]

It sounds like loneliness is really getting on top of you, which is perfectly normal, and seeing other people enjoying relationships is making you feel socially inadequate and excluded, which in turn is making you resentful. If at work you fit in and have good relationships with colleagues, that suggests that sphere of your life is fine, probably because you're not having other peoples happiness rubbed in your face. As far as the wedding goes, are you 'jealous' or just envious? Envy's OK, it's not a crime to wish you had something that another person has, but if it's jealousy - as in you feel anger and spite towards the person you envy - maybe a bit of counselling to get it off your chest? As a long-time single person, believe me, I know exactly how it feels to go to functions where everyone else seems to be someone's partner, sometimes it's enough to make you wanna throw up

You have to remind yourself that there are millions of single people in the world, and try to be happy, (or at least act like it), for all those lovey-dovey couples even though they make you feel lousy. Plaster a smile on your face at the wedding, and pretend, pretend, pretend...... The other option is get absolutely smashed and make an a-hole of yourself, (just kidding).

[CC12]

I am worried I will be standoffish at the wedding and come across as jealous. Which I probably am...what should I do?

 

Fake it. Pretend you're a happy person who is enjoying spending time with people at a wedding. Strike up conversations with strangers. It's pretty easy at a wedding. People are generally nice and friendly there. It's a great place to meet new people. So just fake it. It sounds harder than it is. Have a couple of drinks if you're into that sort of thing. Don't get drunk.

 

Whenever I am around them I withdraw into myself.

 

So I just shut down. I come across as rude and defensive. I feel like I just want to disappear.

 

I honestly don't know how to deal with it.

 

You seem bitter and angry that other people are having successful relationships. You have to find a way to stop this. It's really unhealthy. You should be happy for them that they have something nice, even if you don't have that nice thing. And even though that nice thing will most likely happen for you one day, you're not entitled to it. So stop thinking that you're getting screwed over in some way.

 

Focus on something else. Use this time being single to improve yourself, even if you're already pretty okay with yourself. Learn another language, volunteer for some things, take up a new hobby. Make yourself a more interesting person. Added bonus is that you'll likely meet new people doing these things, and you'll get your mind off of how unfair it is that you're single.

[spiderowl]

I can understand you feel left out and feel the situation is unfair. It's really just a matter of luck. It's not your friends' fault, just the way things have turned out. Try to be happy for them. A wedding is a good place to get chatting to nice guys who are also single. See social occasions as possible opportunities for you to meet someone nice too, rather than as your friends displaying what you haven't got.

 

You could tell them you feel lonely and a bit left out. They might not realise. I am sure they care about you and would want to boost your spirits.

 

Finally, there are benefits to being single. I know you feel lonely and can't see them at the moment, but you can chat to who you want without a partner getting jealous. You can go home with who you want (or invite who you want home). You can be admired by several men and don't have to commit yourself to anyone. You can have fun just being free, honestly!

Edited November 25, 2017 by spiderowl