My friend and her extravagant birthday plans

[amkxoxo]

So we are all 25. My friends birthday is coming up right before christmas. She has been talking for months about how she wants to go to this fancy hotel about an hour away, rent a room, and go out to all the fun clubs in the area. She keeps talking about two weeks before Christmas. I think it sounds really fun. But right before the holidays is hard. I'm low on money, because of all the gifts, and I do a lot with my family and boyfriend, like seeing lights, and going to holiday events. She has been mentioning this plan more and more recently. I have told her over and over that I cannot commit to that, because my family likes to do things all around Christmas and its a busy time for us.

 

This last, most recent time I told her the same thing, and she responded," Well maybe if you explain the situation to your family, then they can plan all of their stuff another time."

 

I found this extremely rude. I am very close to my family and she knows this, and on top of it, they mean more to me than she as my friend. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but family is first for me. I was shocked she would say that. So I nicely told her," well there are a lot of people's schedules involved and we all have different jobs and such, so I have to do it when everyone in my family can, which might be that weekend." She kept mentioning that same one weekend, no other ones.

 

We can only see lights for a month before christmas, and such. I feel bad, but I wish she would hold off until right after the holiday. I wouldn't mind going to a dinner, but right before the holidays is hard for everyone for going on a trip and partying.

 

I feel bad, because I think she is going to be mad when I can't come. She got mad at me last year when I could not come to a Halloween party that she threw. I know I am going to be busy. It is two weeks before Christmas. I also feel bad, because I have an annual friends xmas party at my house every year. I just sent out the invite to everyone and I claimed the weekend before christmas. She messaged me saying she wish she knew I was available that weekend and she would have made it her birthday one. I am not free, I am having my xmas annual party at my house.

 

I feel that if I don't do her birthday she won't come to my party. I have plenty of friends coming. I just don't want hard feelings. I feel like I keep telling her the same thing, but she isn't getting it, and keeps making it like I need to clear my busy family holiday schedule for a clubbing trip, which I know will cost me a ton of money that I don't have.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Oh and to make things better, I just posted my party for xmas and like five minutes later she posts her birthday to everyone online and then tells me that if she knew I was free the night of my party, she would have made hers that night. Its my annual xmas party. Not her birthday. I claimed the one night I was free. She did not.

[basil67]

You're throwing a party the week before Christmas and hope she will book it into her diary, but you won't do the same for her. I get that you're busy, but do you really only book December events in your calendar if they are connected to you and your family? If so, I can see why your friends would be a bit miffed.

 

Why can't your family work around your calendar like you do for them?

 

And yes, I get that money is also an issue, but it seems to be a minor issue compared to the social calendar. Especially as she's been talking about it for ages and you would have had time to save.

 

In short, your approach sounds a bit selfish and I can see where your friend is coming from.

[amkxoxo]

Oh no, if she couldn't come to my party because she had plans, then she had plans, which I would not want her to rearrange for me. I was saying it in the sense that I know how she has been in the past and she will purposely not come to my party, because I had family obligations for hers, which to me is wrong.

 

I am a bit irritated, because I feel like she is asking a lot right before the holidays. I like to go see lights with my mom and go shopping with my aunt and dad, and I don't want to miss that and I am unsure as of now, when that will be. I don't want to commit to spending all day and over night somewhere and lots of money and drinks for her. I knew about this ahead of time, but unfortunately with my pay and bills, with xmas presents I am buying, I do not have the extra money. I live paycheck to paycheck. I am talking to my family to see what weekend they want to do things. After Thanksgiving there are only three weekends and then christmas. So between shopping, baking, lights, etc... I will most likely be busy, which I told her. I would be free for shorter things. Like if she wanted to go see some lights for a few hours, I could go, but she wants a weekend practically.

 

I don't mean to be selfish. If she said, hey lets all grab dinner locally and do gifts, I would have gone, because its a few hours, not a weekend away. I also recently got a boyfriend and he and I only can see each other on the weekends, so that is also a priority. Not above my friends, but he invests a lot into me, so I have to give him some time too.

[grays]

Can you bring your boyfriend?

 

Is the weekend she's planning right around her bday? It does seem kinda harsh to say she should move her bday celebration to a time not too close to her bday. And I would think since your family hasnt made a plan yet you could tell them its your friend's bday so you all should see the lights one of the other weekends.

[healing light]

I feel like a major reason you cannot go is the amount of money that you will be expected to spend on this friend and trip. Like you said, if you knew it was a finite dinner, you would have less problems with it.

 

So I would be honest with your friend and tell her that you don't think you will be able to go to her party but would love to take her to dinner to celebrate her birthday on X night. If she pushes you for a reason, I would tell her that part of it is time constraints around the holidays and the other part has to do with finances--you simply do not have the money to spend on an overnight trip.

 

But remember that "no" is a complete sentence. I often over justify my answers to people. I suspect this friend will not let you go with a simple answer, so just be honest.

[healing light]

Alternatively, since the hotel is only an hour away, you could perhaps spend that evening with her at dinner, bring a gift, and depart before you spend the night. In that scenario, you wouldn't be staying over night so no monetary contribution to the hotel and you won't have to go clubbing all weekend long. It sounds like you don't actually think that's a fun time nor do you want to spend the money on it.

[d0nnivain]

She is allowed to have whatever birthday celebration she wants. What she is not allowed to do is pout because other people can't afford her dream trip or don't want to make the time to go. Especially because she's planning something so lavish she has to understand people won't be able to attend.

 

You need to stop being so worried about her. You told her no. I assume you plan to wish her well, perhaps get her a card & maybe a small gift. That covers you. The rest is on her.

[CC12]

It seems clear that your friend places more value on your friendship than you do. Which is fine, but I don't think she knows that. It's important to her that you're there, and she seems to be waiting on you to finalize her birthday plans.

 

And I think she's waiting on you because you haven't just told her "No, I won't be able to make it." You're telling her stuff like, "well there are a lot of people's schedules involved and we all have different jobs and such, so I have to do it when everyone in my family can, which might be that weekend."

 

This last, most recent time I told her the same thing, and she responded," Well maybe if you explain the situation to your family, then they can plan all of their stuff another time."

 

I found this extremely rude.

 

It's really not that rude. She was asking if it was possible if you could arrange your plans so you could still go to her birthday thing. It's really not very offensive of a question when trying to organize plans with someone.

 

And consider the possibility that you're not the only one of her friends not committing and being kind of wishy-washy about attending her own birthday party that she's been trying to plan for herself for months now. She may be being a little more persistent (and desperate) than is usual.

 

But anyway, you don't have to commit. But be honest about it. Tons of people are trying to plan things during the holiday season and if you're going to reserve pretty much the entire month of December to spend it with your family and not spend extra money, you need to get better at telling people no.

 

 

Oh and to make things better, I just posted my party for xmas and like five minutes later she posts her birthday to everyone online and then tells me that if she knew I was free the night of my party, she would have made hers that night. Its my annual xmas party. Not her birthday. I claimed the one night I was free. She did not.

 

I hope you can understand that the timing of your party is just kind of rubbing salt in her wounds, in a way. It's not entirely your problem that she didn't nail down her plans but I hope you'll be a little more sensitive and soften your annoyance with her and do less of this "It's MY party. Not her birthday."

[LivingWaterPlease]

Expecting friends to pay to party for one's birthday weekend or any weekend in a hotel any time of year seems over the top to me. Add to that how busy everyone is around Christmas and imo she's asking too much time wise and money wise. Sure, have the party and let those who can afford the time and money to attend do so. But, don't pout if someone can't attend.

 

If someone wants to throw themselves a birthday party it seems to me an evening (dinner) is more than enough celebration any time of the year. If someone wants to plan a weekend away birthday party, please be considerate of those who can't attend for financial or scheduling reasons.

 

Not sure what kind of lifestyle your friend lives but she must have a lot of money and a lot of free time. Not everyone has either.

[Tribble]

If someone wants to plan a weekend away birthday party, please be considerate of those who can't attend for financial or scheduling reasons.

 

The way I understood it is OP said she couldn't yet commit because she wasn't sure about plans with family. If I were her friend, I would be a little annoyed myself. She's trying to nail down a free weekend so the OP can come but the OP is just giving wishy-washy excuses. If she doesn't want to go because of finances or worrying about fitting everything in, say so. Say you can't make it. From what you've said, the friend could be thinking you will be coming if you don't have scheduling conflicts, but that's simply not your perspective. I don't think it was rude to ask if you could put this in your diary and work around it with your family plans either. I do loads of stuff over Christmas with my family but I have things booked in with friends too. We have to work around each others schedules to make it work. I don't just keep everything free and work around them and I wouldn't be expected to either.

 

From your posts, it's quite clear that your friend is very low on your list of priorities and everything else comes above her - your family, your boyfriend, your party. That's OK, it is what it is. I also think she is asking quite a lot for her birthday at an awkward time of year. But I don't think she's yet done anything unreasonable. Be honest and say you cannot make it. Use whatever excuse you see fit (schedule, finances etc.). Then wait and see if she pouts or retaliates. If your friendship can't survive this, what kind of a friendship is it anyways?

[Omei]

Christmas is family time and everyone is financially strapped. I say tough tits to your friend.

 

If her birthday is like a week or two before xmas and shes been alive for 25 years you would think by now under the years of knowledge of this fact she would learn to plan before or after xmas if she wants something more major than a card and a lunch knowing its hard for people to show at this time of year.

 

I dont feel that youre less of a friend than she for your concerns about it colliding with family activities at christmas time and not wanting to commit, most of us as we get older accept and often celebrate our birthdays on days other than our actual day due to working out when everyone can make it.

 

If its gonna be too hard and too expensive for you to go I would suggest maybe just a get together for lunch between the two of you its the fact youre willing to make some time for her that counts.

Edited November 13, 2017 by Omei