too pushy?

[d0nnivain]

A long time ago I worked at a small business. When I left I stayed friendly with 3 of the co-workers. They later formed their own company but split apart about 5 years ago. Two of the guys I see more than the other. Over the years we have all referred work to each other & we socialize, not often but once per year, exchange holiday greetings etc.

 

 

A few weeks ago I learned that the adult son of the guy I don't see that much died under tragic circumstances; the son OD'd.

 

 

One of the guys called me the morning after the funeral when he realized I probably didn't know. I saw the 2nd guy the following week at work & he told me the "news". I expressed displeasure that nobody thought to tell me when I could have gone to the wake. Both guys apologized for the oversight & blamed it on not thinking straight following the shocking news, which I understood.

 

 

I sent a card & called to offer condolences to the grieving family.

 

 

Today the 2nd guy told me he's been trying to get the grief stricken guy out to lunch or for drinks just to talk & offer support. I said please include me this time. He looked at me funny; didn't respond & then changed the subject.

 

 

Was I wrong to ask to be included? I was always included in the happy stuff.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Are you sure the guy meant that all three of them would be going out if he can get the bereaved dad to say yes? Maybe he wanted it to just be the two of them? Are the two of them closer than the rest of you?

[preraph]

It's possible he feels he has a closer bond with the guy. I doubt he's going to be ready to do anything this soon anyway. You know, after a tragedy, you get a lot of attention from everyone for maybe a month and then people expect you to just go back to normal, but it can't happen after a child's death. I think if I were you, I'd wait until the other hubbub has died down and then reach out and see if he feels up to getting out of the house or not.

[d0nnivain]

Are you sure the guy meant that all three of them would be going out if he can get the bereaved dad to say yes? Maybe he wanted it to just be the two of them? Are the two of them closer than the rest of you?

 

 

I'm not sure what he meant. That guy & the bereaved are probably the closest but those guys always did stuff in big groups.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm not sure what he meant. That guy & the bereaved are probably the closest but those guys always did stuff in big groups.

 

Maybe so, but that doesn't mean they weren't also personal confidants and you just weren't aware of it. I have a close girlfriend who I always make time to see one-on-one, but we have scores of mutual friends to do things in groups, too. She's definitely someone I'd insist on spending time with one-on-one if my child died.

[whichwayisup]

Was I wrong to ask to be included? I was always included in the happy stuff.

You sent a card. Leave it at that. Maybe in a couple of months give him a call and ask him for coffee or lunch.

 

This is why: Quote by you: Over the years we have all referred work to each other & we socialize, not often but once per year, exchange holiday greetings etc.

 

You're a casual friend, not someone he relies on, speaks to personally often. I don't mean that meanly so please don't take that out of context. Maybe these two other fellas are closer to him on a personal level and see him often.

[RecentChange]

How close are you to the father?

 

For me, grieving is a time I want support from those CLOSEST to me.... But otherwise I don't want to be socializing.

 

A death like this is very hard.... It's not cancer, it's a cause that often is wrapped up with guilt and shame for the surviving family.

 

It's deeply personal and painful....

 

Personally I wouldn't ask to be included unless I was in his innermost social circle.

[MajesticUnicorn]

I don’t think you are wrong for wanting to express your condolences and wanting to be there for your friend. After all, even if you have lost contact through the years there was still at one point a time when you were close with one another.

 

Perhaps the guy that looked at you strangely had a closer relationship with him, or maybe when he mentioned getting him out of the house he meant just the two of them, not a big ordeal.

 

That being said, I have a previous thread about an ex of mine who OD’d back in March. I’m sure it is no secret to you that this kind of death is extremely different for families to handle. Not saying one way of dying is worse than another. But as RecentChange said, there are many many emotions that go along with losing someone this way. The parents of my ex are still mourning and I don’t see them out ever and it’s been nearly 7 months.

 

My point being, I don’t think that your friend had any malice behind not wanting to include you. He may just be looking out for your buddy who lost his son, because he knows that he probably just wants to be around those who are closest to him.

 

I think a card is very kind of you to send, and perhaps when more time passes your friend will be more willing to organize a group get together.