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Male/Female Friendship Oddness


Mysterio

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I have been friends with JC a woman, for 5 yrs. We are 10 yrs apart in age. We get together 4/5 times a yr.

 

So we are supposed to get together soon. She wrote me this.

 

" Hey Mysterio. I've been thinking it over. I think I'd be more confrotable if you met my new BF-D prior to our doing a dinner ( out of respect with for him). Plus I think it would be cool if h could come along for the dinner too. I might plan a group thing so everyone can meet".

 

 

So in my mind. I don't get why she would say this to me in a txt. I am not a ex or even a romantic prospect. On my end. I would not be relaying any type of thing like that to her. If I have a GF. Eventually she will meet my friends if we last beyond 6 months.

 

Am I missing something here. Its not like JC and I are on a regular daily/weekly monthly basis.

 

Is there a big differnce between Men and Women as frineds, as opposed to Sam e Sex friends when meeting their new BF/GF.

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Is there a big differnce between Men and Women as frineds, as opposed to Sam e Sex friends when meeting their new BF/GF.

 

Yeah, a lot of people have really strong opinions about having/keeping opposite sex friends while being in a committed relationship. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with having opposite sex friends, but there are boundaries that should be kept out of respect for your partner.

 

Would you not find it a little uncomfortable for a new girlfriend of yours to go out alone with a guy you don't know? She's just trying to keep everything on the up and up.

 

I mean, she even told you that it's just out of respect for him. What do you find confusing about that? (Serious question, not sarcasm.)

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My thing with JC is that I should be more on par with her female friends. If I was a female. I don't think she would have sent me this style of txt.

 

I could see if we had a dating thing or have been intimate with her. Its never been that. All we do is go for Dinner at a local cafe for the most part. 5 Times a yr. No Movies or lat nights out.

 

I just thought it was odd. I could maybe see if we were new friends to each other. Then it would be something.

 

If I get a GF. I will go through my list and there are. DD who is my x. AG lives in the states. AM lives in Australia. DS in town. JC herself in town. SO in town.

 

I guess the dynamics with Men/Women will always be at play. If she needed to move. I and her other male friends would help her. Not the female friends.

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Once again. If I was new to her life. Then I guess so. 5 yrs in. I just don't see how the BF would be unerved by her and I going out for our usual dinner 4 times a year would rattle him.

 

When I have a GF. I can't see her getting edgy if I go out with one of my female friends.

 

Bottom line is that male/female friends I guess can't be on par with same sex friends.

Edited by Mysterio
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I completely understand it.

 

It doesn't matter how long you've been her friend. Opposite sex friendships change when you are involved in a relationship.

 

I am 57, I have a friend, female, I've known for over 30 years. We lived in the same apt. complex when we were in our 20's. We've never dated, never had sex, and never even kissed. A tight hug is about it. We used to hang out quite a lot, then I got married, and it died off and we lost touch for a while. Then i got divorced and about 5 years ago, we reconnected (ain't social media grand) . Again, as friends, never anything sexual.

 

Now that I am seriously involved again, the relationship is going back to occasional communication, mostly on social media, and I made it a point to let my GF know about this friend in particular. Why? Because this friend is female, my others are male. This make her different and stand out. And I know there would be questions about it.

 

They haven't met yet, but, neither have I seen my friend in about a year. And I won't go see or visit her alone. She understands this. She had extended invitations to me, and always says to bring my girlfriend along. So far, just due to timing, we've declined.

 

As your friend said, you do this out of respect for your BF/GF. Especially if things are serious. I tell my GF pretty much everything I do, including if I go visit a friend. We talk every day. It would seem very wrong to me not to include introducing her to my opposite sex friend.

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I am not going to fight her wishes. I just found it odd. I won't be doing that. My GF when it happens will meet my female friends like my male friends. No heavy preperation.

Edited by Mysterio
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I dont' get where you are seeing heavy preparation though. She's just asking to make a slight adjustment to the plans. To include another person or two.

 

If one of your male friends asked if another could join an outing, would that bother you as much? OR would you question it?

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  • 2 weeks later...
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I don't like the following wording in the TXT. I have been thinking it over. That irks me. There is nothing to think about. All JC should be stating to me is that she wants me to meet her new BF. Cut and dry thats it.

 

I would be more Comfortable What does comfort have to do with anything. I am a friend. Not a romantic prospect. By implying comfort, she is stating to me that for some reason. Doing our usual dinner thing is somehow not comfortable to her, since she has a new BF. I don't think it should matter. Most people have some opposite sex friends.

 

Out of respect for my BF How could us going out for our usual dinner thing, which is low key anyways, dis-respectful.

 

I am going to talk to her about this. Me meeting her new BF should not be this intensive. It should be chill.

 

What should have been written is this. Hy Mysterio. I would like you to meet my new BF. What time works for you. Once again. I should be on par with her Female friends. She is on par with my male friends. If I have a GF. There is no TXT or message to JC of any major changes. She may meet her in the next 6 month to yr. When I introduce my GF to my friends when I have a GF that is steady. She is meeting all of them and there will be no special prep for any of them.

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I am going to talk to her about this. Me meeting her new BF should not be this intensive. It should be chill.

 

I think you're the only one making this such a big deal. You're taking this way too personally. It's not about you, it's simply about her introducing her friends to her new boyfriend. Nothing about her text should be offensive to you.

 

I think it would be a mistake to talk to her about this.

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It’s just her attempt to show him that she’s being transparent with him about her relationship with you (and potentially other men). It doesn’t really have anything to do with you, but calming his nerves about her male friends.

 

And he’ll be incredibly naive to believe this show means anything at all. Especially that she won’t cheat.

 

She’s playing both of you.

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And he’ll be incredibly naive to believe this show means anything at all. Especially that she won’t cheat.

 

What makes you think she would cheat?

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What makes you think she would cheat?

 

I’m saying Mysterio showing up with her man present is not proof that she will or she won’t. It’s not proof of anything. But, it’s being portrayed to her man that way.

 

She’s using Mysterio to establish credibility with her man.

 

When this meeting will really mean nothing and is no predictor of what she will or will not do with another man.

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Scarlett.O'hara
Me meeting her new BF should not be this intensive. It should be chill.

 

Then act like it is chill, and let it go.

 

Your relationship dynamic is clearly different from theirs. She may not be comfortable with him meeting female friends for dinner either, so they had to find a compromise that works for them.

 

I really don't think this is a reflection on you or your friendship. It is more of a reflection of them and their relationship. If you would rather stay out of it, then cancel dinner. I would just advise you against calling her out about her message. I suspect the message was for his eyes more than yours.

 

This is just one of the many challenges of opposite sex friendships that most of us will come across in our lives. Try not to hold it against her.

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I guess the wording if I would be more comfortable irks me. Its like there is some sort of hiearchy in that wording. Like JC has to prep her new BF about me.

 

We were sort of setting things up before. Then she threw this out at me. I have no problem with meeting him. I just don't like the operatic production in the txt. It should have been I want you to meet my new BF thats it. No -I have been Thinking it over/I would be more comfortable/Out of Respect for my BF.

 

Something about it irks me. I guess I am hypersnsitive about this lately. Its not a jelousy thing on my part. Its a why make this into a big production. Just be simplistic. Once again. When I have a GF. I am not making it a big deal to my female friends.

 

JC has another male friend that is actually her Ex dating partner. So I think the txt to me is way more applicable to him than me.

 

Maybe I should just chill. Its not like her and I are together all the time.

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It’s just her attempt to show him that she’s being transparent with him about her relationship with you (and potentially other men). It doesn’t really have anything to do with you, but calming his nerves about her male friends.

 

This is correct, remember that there is a whole conversation you are not privy to.. that is the conversation of her and her BF.

 

This is not about you but about them.

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I guess I am differnet. I meet a new woman that I am dating. I am not going to be concerned with her male friends. At age 46. I am not into that. If would be one thing if JC and I had a romantic relationship and were on a heavy day to day basis.

 

Not a friendship where we only get together 4-5 times a year.

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I guess she was gung-ho about meeting you as usual but her bf put a spoke in the works.

The "thinking it over", "more comfortable", "respect" came across as stilted and weird as they were not really where she is at, but where her bf is at.

Those, I guess are his words and her reactions to his words.

This is his "big deal", not hers.

I guess she is peeved in reality. and embarrassed that this innocent meet up is seen by him as an excuse for her to cheat on him....

 

He, on the other hand, no doubt went "Wtf, who is this male "friend"?"

Although YOU and SHE know there is nothing going on, HE doesn't, so he is just mate guarding...

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Elaine. Your right on the money. I saw a pic of him. He does not seem that way. He has got to know that she has some male friends. She is with her GF's more than her Guy Friends. When we were planning things. She did not mention him. Its only a week or so after that plans were not finalized that she did this Operatic Txt.

 

I will meet him. I want to meet him. I just kind of wish she would have been a little bit more cut and dry.

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Hi Mysterio. You are thinking about this in the wrong way. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. You should not take it personally.

 

This girl is my hero. She is very cool and thoughtful. I wish my ex acted like her. My ex had a guy (gay friend she said) sleep over and never asked me if that would make me feel uncomfortable. Never offered to have me meet the guy. Nothing. Just told me it was going to happen. It completely sunk our relationship. I never trusted her after that.

 

Basically your girl "friend" is dating someone she cares about. Out of respect for HIM (this has nothing to do with you) she doesn't want HIM to feel uncomfortable in any way. This is about her relationship with him and making HIM feel comfortable. That is her #1 priority in life and that is the way it should be. She is doing the right thing. Your reply should be "Sure whatever makes you feel comfortable". Don't analyze it any more than that. She is probably acting the same way towards any male friend in her life. This is not anything unique or personal with you.

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  • 2 months later...
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I saw JC today and I talked about the meaning behind the txt. I peppered the txt with humour and she said it was basically the BF that structured her txt that way.

 

He felt odd with her having a male friend. Even though I am one of 3. She is having problems with him and they are on the verge of a break up. It will happen as he was supposed to meet me today and he bailed.

 

So I said that I would not do that, but she stated that some couples are not that flexable. She really seemed down about him.

 

Anyways. I wanted to update.

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healing light

This is likely coming from the boyfriend. I'm in a relationship of 5 months and most of my friends are men. My guy doesn't really have opposite sex friends, he's been cheated on a couple of times, etc. I've been the person dropped many times when my friends have gotten girlfriends despite have zero interest in my friends romantically, so I'm not willing to get rid of friendships now that I'm in a relationship.

 

We had a discussion just the other day and I could tell the idea of me having opposite sex friends made him a bit uncomfortable. I offered that he can come along with me when I meet up with any of them (I see these people every couple of months, like your situation with JC), and that I'd like him to be integrated into my friendship circles anyway over time. But if he doesn't want to join me I'm not going to stop attending annual BBQs or other events.

 

So, I think JC is doing this so that everyone knows the friendship is above board and platonic and to help her man feel more secure.

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JC and I only get together 4 times a yr. No pics of us on Facebook. For me. I thought it was her doing this akward txt. It was her basically apeasing the BF. JC is 36 and she is wanting to settle down. Thats why she is putting up with this. Although for him. D just lost her now.

 

I said she should give him this month of Feb to make things right. Just from what I hear of him. He would have to make a major turn around.

 

I have female friends and when I have a GF there will be no major issue going out with them. Only JC/DS are the ones I go out with. JK is my friends wife and we only go out with him. Unless he is running late. AG lives in the states and AM is in Austrailia.

 

So there is no issue.

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I would not be happy at all to find out that my gf was talking about our relationship problems with another man. That's something she should talk about with her closest girl friends if she needs to talk about it.

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All she talked about is that he was supposed to come out with us and bailed at the last minute.

 

I don't know major details other than that.

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