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-   -   Topics to create meaningful friendship with someone? (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/636255-topics-create-meaningful-friendship-someone)

Cookiesandough 29th September 2017 11:36 AM

Topics to create meaningful friendship with someone?
 
Hi. I am looking for advice on what to talk about with someone to forge a deep connection. I have countless aquantainces. It's extremely easy for me to meet friends to small talk with and go out with. But when it comes to forging a deep relationship with someone it is very tough. I don't have a clue how to go deeper. I have compartmentalized. For example, I have a friend for live music events, friends for dancing etc. I think I might be scared, but I would try if I knew what to talk about and when. I have three close friends, two of which came from childhood and another who also has depression. Can anyone help?

RecentChange 29th September 2017 11:56 AM

To forage real friendships – something deeper, you have to be real, and often that also means allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

You don't necessary pick "topics" to talk about - more like you share about your life, the triumphs and defeats, and you emphatically listen to theirs.

Like you, I have a number of “friends” who I consider more of acquaintances, they are good, genuine people, but I tend to keep to myself on many levels, and just never really opened up.

I also have my life long friends, the handful from grade school and college who I have kept close with over the decades, but we are more scattered now.

Any way… recently had a very bad week – My mother passed away suddenly, at a time my husband was away on business, other family was far, it was my birthday, I just felt alone….

So, I decided to pick myself up by my boot straps, reach out to some of those acquaintances, and at least get out on the town for my birthday.

I am so glad I did – some of those acquaintances proved that they really are FRIENDS. I always knew we enjoyed each other, liked to laugh together etc – but opening up, being vulnerable, NEEDING them - changed things. I shared some of my “dirt” those things I prefer not to talk about (vulnerability) which made them feel free to do the same. Total bonding experience – saying yep, we aren’t perfect, and sometimes life is hard, and we can share more than just laughs – and gain a better understanding of each other, a deeper empathy, a stronger bond.

I would say most that I consider close friends, are those ones that know not only my highs, but my lows. Its about being REAL, and letting someone know all of you.

carhill 29th September 2017 12:42 PM

IMO, if you have three close friends, you're doing fine so keep doing what you're doing.

IME, if one is a good listener and has genuine care and interest in others, friends are easy to come by. Close friends happen when those styles, and other personality and lifestyle aspects, match up and one day it occurs to both parties they are close friends. It isn't purposeful or planned or analyzed, rather happens.

Cookiesandough 29th September 2017 12:50 PM

Thank you, recentchange. That was helpful. I will try to be more open with people. Yea, I am often afraid to share my opinion on things or the deeper parts of my life to people in person because I am afraid people will not like me or make judgements. Also, I am afraid my life is not too interesting. It's actually not interesting at all, but I don't mind it that way.

People want to be around fun. They like you when you're fun. That's all I know. They will occasionally be there when things aren't fun, but if the not fun exceeds the fun too much they will move on... Cynical? .

I'm beginning to think I am actually very extroverted but too afraid of being rejected for who I really am so I have to hide myself and pretend to be someone I'm not. It's hard so I can only handle socializing in small doses.

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Hope you are coping alright. Ty again.

Cookiesandough 29th September 2017 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carhill (Post 7427232)
IMO, if you have three close friends, you're doing fine so keep doing what you're doing.

IME, if one is a good listener and has genuine care and interest in others, friends are easy to come by. Close friends happen when those styles, and other personality and lifestyle aspects, match up and one day it occurs to both parties they are close friends. It isn't purposeful or planned or analyzed, rather happens.

That makes sense. So you have lifestyle and personality types aligned relatively closely as well. So it is fair to say a person who listens and has care and interest in others and connecting, but has a "weird" or unusual life or personality will struggle making true friends. That is sad, but makes sense


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