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Friend mad that I didn't like the date she set me up on

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Old 3rd July 2017, 12:29 AM   #1
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Friend mad that I didn't like the date she set me up on

So I am 25 and have been trying to be out in the dating world. In the past, I have had some really bad experiences and extreme bad luck with men. I took time to work on myself and my own well being/health and I was finally ready to get back out there and date. I went out with a guy for over a month, and he suddenly ghosted me. I was broken. Still a bit confused now, to be honest.

I heavily relied on my friend Heather for support. Heather and I have an odd relationship. My college roommate, who is no longer my friend, introduced us in college. Heather and I were never close. She really wasn't close to my roommate either. Then Heather ended up in a relationship with a good guy friend of mine for many years. She ended up living a block away from me and we got closer and closer. She and my friend broke up, but at that point I saw her more than I saw him. (He and I are still friends and Heather knows it, I just don't include them together at the same time)

Heather can be hard to handle. She is supportive and a great friend sometimes. And other times she can be an extremely picky difficult person. I am not perfect, but sometimes she says rude things. Like one time we were at a function with others, but she and I were speaking separately, and I said something about not taking a cupcake home, because it wasn't a part of my diet. I then started telling her a bit about my recent good eating and dieting. She proceeded to say "You know you don't have to justify yourself and how you eat and why you aren't doing something to anyone."

The way she said it rubbed me the wrong way, like she was telling me what to do. I was just telling her about my diet as my girlfriend. So she sometimes gets that attitude and it can get rude. Another example, was that we have a girls night with two other girls every Monday. One girl in particular has been hosting it week after week, and I haven't been for a while. This girl doesn't work on Monday so she cooks dinner and dessert for us. I work and am busy. I suggested we do it at my place next weekend. Everyone agreed. I suggested we each bring a dessert and have dessert only, to make it easy. I didn't want to entertain, have dirty dishes, and cook after work. I wanted paper plates, wine, and relaxing. Heather pipes in and starts suggesting we do Taco night and all this stuff about dinner. I pipe in and say "No no, I don't feel like cooking after work, I think just dessert is good." she then replies" No one asked you to do the cooking honey."

Well its at my house. And even if people bring all this food, its going to be a mess. And my house, my rules. She wasn't offering to host it. The way she said it was extremely rude. I remember not really even talking to her for a while after, because I was very bothered. But sometimes she can be like that so I let it go.

She has a boyfriend and recently they have been going to a lot of parties with his family. His sister had a party and they attended. She came back to me raving about this guy she met there. A friend of the sister. She said he was smart, really funny, and successful. She wanted to set me up. I was nervous, but open to it. She was so excited for me. Now bare with me, she barely knew this guy. She even had to give the sister my number to pass on to the guy to call me.

He and I meet up and its not great. He's almost shorter than me, super geeky, and his funny humor was almost too much that it turned me off. I felt bad, but I wanted to leave after 5 to 10 minutes. I appreciated the thought, but to be honest, I was a little bothered she set me up with him. I don't think she would have ever gone out with him herself.

She texted me that night asking about the date. She was so excited. I told her I was sorry, but there was absolutely no chemistry there. I told her I wasn't attracted and he just wasn't my type with his humor and such. I told her normally when I like someone I feel like I so badly want to kiss them, because its strong attraction, but I didn't feel that.

All she responded was "Ok."

I was like what, that is all she could say? And now its been probably two weeks and she hasn't spoken to me. I texted her today asking about plans for tomorrow, and she just never responded to me. I don't get it at all.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 12:49 AM   #2
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It sounds like the two of you need a break from each other.

And to play devil's advocate on the other two issues.....most people aren't interested in other people's diets. And with the dinner party thing, I think she was just trying to help you continue the tradition of hosting a meal but in a way which was less fuss for you.

She's a bit too blunt, you're a bit too sensitive. Perhaps this is a topic which can be discussed and understood by both of you when you've had some time out from each other.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 1:24 AM   #3
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I kind of agree with the above poster. Sounds like maybe you two just shouldn't be friends. I agree that your friend was a little rude in how she responded to your chatting about your diet but then I think you were a little weird about insisting there would be no dinner at your house. Dinner has become part of the routine and then you unilaterally decided no dinner, not even an easy dinner, like tacos and not even with help from the others. Tacos don't dirty that many dishes, just one pan to prepare the meat and you still could have used paper plates for everything else. If you're that uptight about having a little mess to clean up why have anyone over at all?

What did you expect you're friend to say when you told her you didn't like the guy she set you up with? She said "okay". What more should she have said?
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Old 3rd July 2017, 9:13 AM   #4
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She's hurt. For whatever reason she thought this would work but it didn't.

You two are rather prickly around each other so she needs some time to regroup & so do you.

You can be rather rigid about food, who rides in your car, etc. If girls' night had become dinner, it was unfair for you to unilaterally change to just dessert when you hosted. There are things you could have done cleanly to feed people -- like a sandwich platter from the deli or pizza but to offer dessert only upended others' plans. Your friends offered to make food because they wanted dinner together. You didn't have to agree to tacos. Good friends would have stuck around to clean.

Just let this be. Do consider being more open & flexible in multiple aspects of your life.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 10:53 AM   #5
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You come across as fairly thin-skinned and rigid in your dealings with others.

You don't want to take a cupcake home? Fine. I'm sure most people didn't swipe cupcakes or other leftover food items to take home from the event! What exactly was the point of your announcement and the follow-up lecture about your dieting routine? No one wants to listen to a lecture on your eating habits. No one cares.

If girls night consists of eating dinner together, and that's been the tradition, you have two choices:
  • Don't volunteer to host if you don't feel like including the basics of the routine.
  • Get buy-in from the others before you discard with dinner.
They tried to help you by turning it into a potluck that required no work of you, and you jump to being offended. This is no different than a group of friends who has a weekly tradition of treating each other to dinner at a nice restaurant. One person who rarely contributes makes a big announcement that she'll treat this time, hauls the group off to McDonald's and gets uber-pissy when they don't stick to the items on the 99 value menu.

Now you're offended that your friend tried to set you up, then said "okay" when you said the date was a dud. What should she say? What type of response would have made you happy in that scenario?

I don't blame her for keeping her distance now.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 11:10 AM   #6
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Sounds to me like she might think you're high maintenance and it annoys her.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 4:25 PM   #7
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Setting someone up with someone you know if fraught with problems. See now she has to deal with both of you and listen to whatever each of you says and is in the middle. She probably wishes you had a boyfriend because, as the poster above said, she probably views you as high maintenance and picky and hard to make happy.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
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