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Pet peeves lost me another friend


sickoflove11

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sickoflove11

I thought I finally found someone who gets me and won't be scared off easily. I'm finding out that I think I was very wrong.

Often times a friend and I make plans and then when the day comes, either no one texts each other so it doesn't happen, or I have to initiate it. This makes me feel like she'd just rather not go through with it, and me being such an introvert, I'll just stay home all day.

 

I know it's not a matter of her forgetting the plans, today she even admitted she was just waiting for a text from me.

This is such a pet peeve of mine like how can you make plans and then just wait around all day to see if they're going to happen? If someone's not interested anymore I would prefer they tell me so I can make other plans. I don't want to feel like someone is forced to hang out with me so I'm not going to nag them.

 

She told me she'd let me know for sure yesterday if she would be free today so I patiently waited for her to let me know. Today comes and nothing.. so why do I have to be the one to bring it up every time?

 

I basically told her all this, how I wasn't going to bug her about it again after she said she'd get back to me. And if she's not interested in hanging out anymore to just let me know, it won't upset me.

Was this too harsh? I just can't hold in stuff like this, I need to address it. I don't think she is comfortable with confrontation, but it's kind of rude so I can't ignore it even for the sake of our friendship. She read the texts and hasn't responded. It's been over an hour.

 

I feel like this is how all my friendships end. I confront a situation and they just don't want to deal with it. Am I too harsh? Is this my fault? Why is it so hard for people to deal with things like this and have a conversation about it?

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Yes, this is your fault because you have unrealistic expectations.

 

 

Your pet peeve is that no one confirms the plans. What you really mean is that you are annoyed that the other person didn't confirm the plans. Since you are the one insisting on confirmation, it falls to you to reach out to confirm.

 

 

You would be entitled to get all annoyed if the other person routinely backs out last minute. But you are completely out of line to get pissed because your friends can't read your mind to know that you expect them to take an unspoken action -- confirming the plans.

 

 

Introvert or not, which in this case sounds like a cop-out, if you want confirmation, you need to pick up the phone & confirm.

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I think you will find that most of our friends have some annoying traits. But as nobody is perfect, we adjust to their foibles. Just as they adjust to ours.

 

I'm grateful that my dear friend who never forgets birthdays doesn't get upset that I never remember any birthdays. And she's probably grateful that I'm Ok with her being so limited on times because of family stuff.

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InvisiBlonde
She told me she'd let me know for sure yesterday if she would be free today so I patiently waited for her to let me know. Today comes and nothing.. so why do I have to be the one to bring it up every time?

 

It's not you.

 

What ever happened to: "Let's meet Saturday at the Roxy at eight, and afterwards we'll go get something to eat!"

 

"Sounds great! See you then!"

 

What are they gonna know twelve, or eight, or two hours beforehand that they don't know now? If they "Feel Like" showing up? Really?

 

Believe me when I tell you that I definitely Get It about your frustration. Your only "fault" is expecting them to keep their word.

 

I maintain my dignity with such folks by leaving them to their Spontaneity.

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She told me she'd let me know for sure yesterday if she would be free today so I patiently waited for her to let me know

 

Looks like your friend did say she was the one who was going to let you know so I'd say the ball was in her court. If someone told me they were going to let me know and then didn't I'd have to assume they weren't all that enthused to get together. However if someone can't say whether or not they're going to be free even 24 hours in advance I'm hardly going to wait around on them to get back to me. If there is nothing really set in stone then I would feel free to go about my day as I please. If your friend texts you to get together while your busy doing something else then oh well, too bad for her. Since she can't make plans in advance then she can wait on you or maybe try again another day.

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This friend doesn't sound that interested in being your friend or she wouldn't put off letting you know and then not let you know.

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confront? no, do not do this ever, it is way to aggressive, just try mentioning a misunderstanding instead

 

you can not brow-beat anybody and then expect them to warm to you

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GunslingerRoland

I think are making some assumptions that since you have literally nothing to do but sit around all day unless you follow through with the plans your friends are doing the same. The reality is that most people these days are quite busy most of the time. And it's easy to lose track of things that were "loosely planned".

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sickoflove11
Yes, this is your fault because you have unrealistic expectations.

 

 

Your pet peeve is that no one confirms the plans. What you really mean is that you are annoyed that the other person didn't confirm the plans. Since you are the one insisting on confirmation, it falls to you to reach out to confirm.

 

 

You would be entitled to get all annoyed if the other person routinely backs out last minute. But you are completely out of line to get pissed because your friends can't read your mind to know that you expect them to take an unspoken action -- confirming the plans.

 

 

Introvert or not, which in this case sounds like a cop-out, if you want confirmation, you need to pick up the phone & confirm.

 

Ok, so the fact that she said she'd get back to me and I didn't ask her about it again is totally my fault? That makes no sense. We texted during the day we were supposed to hang out and later she says she was waiting for ME to text her. So doesn't what you said apply to her as well? She can't expect me to read her mind every time. If she wants me to constantly remind her that we are hanging out how should I know? Why is that fair?

If I don't confirm the plans, she won't. My pet peeve is that I always have to confirm in order for us to actually hang out. And that makes me feel like she doesn't care to actually hang out.

 

Like you said, I'd be entitled to get pissed if my friend routinely backs out last minute, I would say that is exactly what she does because we make these plans in advanced and she backs out. On the day it's supposed to happen.

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sickoflove11
confront? no, do not do this ever, it is way to aggressive, just try mentioning a misunderstanding instead

 

you can not brow-beat anybody and then expect them to warm to you

 

 

 

 

:( The damage is done. She isn't going to reply and again, I have to be the one to say something in order to deescalate the situation. But I don't think I will this time. I feel hurt by her doing this and I'm not going to apologize for that. I have to work with her in a few days, other than that, I guess I'll never have to see her again.

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sickoflove11
I think are making some assumptions that since you have literally nothing to do but sit around all day unless you follow through with the plans your friends are doing the same. The reality is that most people these days are quite busy most of the time. And it's easy to lose track of things that were "loosely planned".

 

I see what you're saying, but in this case, I know she was home all day doing nothing as well. We were texting a bit later in the day and that's how I found out she was waiting for a text from me. But clearly it wasn't a big deal to her because she just sat at home all day watching Netflix. This is not the first time she's done this, that's why I'm upset and felt the need to address it.

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sickoflove11
Looks like your friend did say she was the one who was going to let you know so I'd say the ball was in her court. If someone told me they were going to let me know and then didn't I'd have to assume they weren't all that enthused to get together. However if someone can't say whether or not they're going to be free even 24 hours in advance I'm hardly going to wait around on them to get back to me. If there is nothing really set in stone then I would feel free to go about my day as I please. If your friend texts you to get together while your busy doing something else then oh well, too bad for her. Since she can't make plans in advance then she can wait on you or maybe try again another day.

 

You're right. And I felt the same way when she said she'd get back to me when it was that short in advance. I told myself exactly what you said, but I still wanted to believe she wanted to hang out. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and honestly, if she said she was busy that would've been fine! Honesty hurts me way less than ignorance or lies do.

I don't think she'll be texting me anymore so it shouldn't be a problem in the future. I don't understand how addressing a situation that hurt my feelings can cause someone to scare and stop being a friend to someone. Friends come and go, but they are so valuable. I guess I haven't found the good ones yet.

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If you were any kind of priority to her, she wouldn't always do this. However, the exception is if this is a long relationship and early on, you were always the one to remind and she got used to that being how it is but she is eager to see you and it's obvious.

 

Otherwise, if you didn't set the precedent for how this goes, then she really doesn't care if she hangs with you or not and has other people she'd rather hang with or other things she'd rather do that with you. Sorry.

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sickoflove11

I think we have only been friends for a year or less so I don't think we have any precedents set.

It sucks because I really thought we got along great and complimented each other but turns out, no one can compliment my personality. She's about 4 years younger than me which I never saw as an issue until now.

 

She doesn't have many friends either so it's not a matter of her preferring to hang out with others, more of just preferring to do something else alone.

So you're right and it's ok I can accept it. It sounded like if the plans were better, like something she came up with, she'd be interested and not bail.

I always have to drive too wish is super annoying.

I'll just have to start looking for the negatives in our friendship in order to move on. Unfortunately I was connected to others through her and they're not people I could hang out with without her (family and her best friend).

Edited by sickoflove11
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You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Especially if you were back & forth all day why was it so impossible for you to confirm? Yes it would be nicer if she confirmed but when you realized time was drawing closer, you chose to blow up the friendship rather that ask if you were still on and then later nicely say it bothers you when she doesn't confirm.

 

 

Your initial Q was also about all your friends. Now you are drilling down to just this one.

 

 

If you need the confirmation, you need to obtain it not get annoyed when you don't get it. Tell somebody what you want / need in clear terms at least once or you don't get to be upset when they fail to deliver.

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major_merrick

I can understand your frustration and your perspective. As others have mentioned, you made a mistake in this situation. You ASSUMED that other people have your same values (ie. showing up when they say they will) and you also assumed they have the same communication style (ie. confirming appointments.) The sad truth is, most people seem to really STINK at showing up on time. I mean, lots of people barely manage to show up to work, and that's a place where not showing up carries heavy consequences. How can you compare to that?

 

So here's what I do: Unless someone has proven themselves to be a good communicator/mind-reader, I nag and confirm like a maniac. I'm sure I irritate people, but I point out that *I* show up on time - and I am usually 15 minutes early. I also prefer to hang out with like-minded people, and those who are not quite like me but show signs of being willing to be educated.

 

My exBF's father liked to say that "punctuality is the politeness of princes." And he was right. Be kind but nagging to those who are not punctual, and treasure the wonderful people who show up when and where they say will.

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sickoflove11
You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Especially if you were back & forth all day why was it so impossible for you to confirm? Yes it would be nicer if she confirmed but when you realized time was drawing closer, you chose to blow up the friendship rather that ask if you were still on and then later nicely say it bothers you when she doesn't confirm.

 

 

Your initial Q was also about all your friends. Now you are drilling down to just this one.

 

 

If you need the confirmation, you need to obtain it not get annoyed when you don't get it. Tell somebody what you want / need in clear terms at least once or you don't get to be upset when they fail to deliver.

 

This post is about 1 friend. I never said anything about other friends.

She told me she would get back to me the following day. She never did and all day acted like it was my job to bring it up.

I made my own plans when I realized she doesn't care enough to bring it up and I wasn't even going to "blow up the friendship" until she later mentioned we should plan a day in the city. I said ok, but don't ditch because we were supposed to hang out today.. and she replied that she wouldn't ditch a day in the city because it's something she loves and different from home.

So basically she's admitting she ditched me because it's not something that she really wanted to do.

 

It really sucks that you are the only person who always tears me down on all my posts. I come here for support, and hope people might be able to relate and you constantly make me feel like crap. Dealing with SA is already enough and I try to take your posts constructively, but they are just assumptious and harsh.

I realize I am not perfect and not always in the right, but that is why I am here, to know I am not alone. You make me feel alone.

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sickoflove11
I can understand your frustration and your perspective. As others have mentioned, you made a mistake in this situation. You ASSUMED that other people have your same values (ie. showing up when they say they will) and you also assumed they have the same communication style (ie. confirming appointments.) The sad truth is, most people seem to really STINK at showing up on time. I mean, lots of people barely manage to show up to work, and that's a place where not showing up carries heavy consequences. How can you compare to that?

 

So here's what I do: Unless someone has proven themselves to be a good communicator/mind-reader, I nag and confirm like a maniac. I'm sure I irritate people, but I point out that *I* show up on time - and I am usually 15 minutes early. I also prefer to hang out with like-minded people, and those who are not quite like me but show signs of being willing to be educated.

 

My exBF's father liked to say that "punctuality is the politeness of princes." And he was right. Be kind but nagging to those who are not punctual, and treasure the wonderful people who show up when and where they say will.

 

 

Thank you for the advice, this really helps me understand better where I went wrong. I wish I could find more like minded people because I keep finding the opposite. I did assume she was more like me in these ways, but I should have known. There were definitely signs and I never addressed them before. It is so important for me to be on time places and not cancel on others when we make plans, and I just assume anyone who is my friend, feels the same way. It sucks to lose another friend but hopefully it will lead me to another and I can try again.

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InvisiBlonde
I still wanted to believe she wanted to hang out. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and honestly, if she said she was busy that would've been fine!

 

I used to go throught this a lot more.

 

It's tough to, once and for all, Really And Truly, ACCEPT that, no matter what they say to you or do about others, they really ARE that much of a (I'll be polite and say) jerk; they really DON'T care about you / your feelings; and (somehow the hardest for me) THEY'LL KEEP DOING IT!

 

I had a similar string of experiences with someone I care about very much (same-sex, Platonic relationship). It took me literally years to one day just STOP the whirling in my head and Look At the reality of the situation rather than this "fantasy" image I had of it based on history and assumptions and what she was saying rather than what she was doing.

 

She had been flaking on me more and more, including once WITHIN twenty-four hours of what I thought was a game-changing conversation in which I said how much I love her but hate the flaking, and she apologized, "sincerely" (or so it sure did seem) and swore it would never happen again.

 

Once I started to think about what a chump I was making myself look, it was much easier to Just Say No. It's tearing me up that it's come to this, but continuing to offer up my guts for a punching isn't gonna fix it.

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sickoflove11

So have you just said no and cut all friendship ties with her? Or you just don't try to make plans with her anymore?

 

It's both easy and hard for me to cut close friends from my life. I can and have done it many times, but I stress about it for weeks and have a hard time sleeping. I have to accept like you said, they will keep doing it and don't care about my feelings.

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InvisiBlonde
So have you just said no and cut all friendship ties with her? Or you just don't try to make plans with her anymore?

 

It's both easy and hard for me to cut close friends from my life. I can and have done it many times, but I stress about it for weeks and have a hard time sleeping. I have to accept like you said, they will keep doing it and don't care about my feelings.

 

The last time I communicated with her was at the end of January. I said "Thanks" or "Thank You" for the two-sentence "happy birthday hope you did something fun" text she sent a day late.

 

(Nice goin', girl.)

 

The time prior was around Christmas. I got a text from her: "I moved to (Name of Town). Wanna hang out here sometime?"

 

I answered "I would LOVE to hang out!"

 

Still "waiting" for a day and time (or, indeed, any response to that).

 

(Please stop asking me if you don't want to see me. It's really okay.)

 

I know I must sound abrupt. The couple of text exchanges I described here were the last of dozens, over more than five years.

 

She actually asked me at one point if something were wrong, and I said that I'd rather discuss it in person because I was afraid that I'd come across in writing in ways I don't mean.

 

"It's not so serious!" answered she.

 

"Not to you," I thought.

 

A few weeks later, by coincidence, she and I ended up spending several hours together. There was a third party along, but she and I were alone more than enough times that day for her to have at least asked me about what I'd wanted to discuss.

 

(Or not.)

 

I love her dearly. I wake up some days with an aching heart and that horrible anxious feeling in my guts.

 

However, I also started to feel embarrassed.

 

Yeah, you keep telling me "Don't be silly! I really do want to spend time with you!"

 

At some point, even loyal, loving, possibly-codependent Me takes a hint.

 

So, to answer your question (at long last), all I've done is, essentially, stop chasing her. I would much rather still have her in my life, but not if she doesn't want to be here and if she doesn't want me in hers.

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Know that I grew up before cell phones and Snapchat.

 

In the olden days, back when acid washed jeans reigned, and Michael Jackson had a nose, we called on a Monday and made plans to see The Breakfast Club Friday night at 7:00 at X theater. On Friday, we all showed up at 7:00 at X theater to watch The Breakfast Club. There was no calling Thursday night or Friday morning to see if we were still going to do what we already said we were going to do.

 

I don't get this. You make plans. Why do you have to re-make the plans within 24 hours before the event "just to be sure"?

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sickoflove11
Know that I grew up before cell phones and Snapchat.

 

In the olden days, back when acid washed jeans reigned, and Michael Jackson had a nose, we called on a Monday and made plans to see The Breakfast Club Friday night at 7:00 at X theater. On Friday, we all showed up at 7:00 at X theater to watch The Breakfast Club. There was no calling Thursday night or Friday morning to see if we were still going to do what we already said we were going to do.

 

I don't get this. You make plans. Why do you have to re-make the plans within 24 hours before the event "just to be sure"?

 

Ahh, how I wish I was born in the olden days. I hate all this social media and the many issues it's brought my life. She's been snapchatting me, (nothing of substance, just pictures) once or twice a day since Monday. Apparently it's too difficult to send a text back though.. :confused:

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sickoflove11

I love her dearly. I wake up some days with an aching heart and that horrible anxious feeling in my guts.

 

 

 

I completely understand this feeling. I am not having it now with this friend, but have had it in the past with a much more dear friendship. It is hard to realize we have put so much of ourselves into the friendship and they just don't value it the same way we do.

 

I think I have realized with this current friend I'm having an issue with, is that I am putting more into the relationship than I am getting out. I forget what that concept is called.. I learned about it in a class. I don't know how to explain this to her without sounding horribly condescending and rude, but I'm done bending over backwards for her.

 

All I think we can do at this point is to let them come to us, as we take a step back.

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This is such a pet peeve of mine like how can you make plans and then just wait around all day to see if they're going to happen?

 

Eh, you kind of did the same thing. You were waiting for her to confirm plans the day before like she said she would, but when she didn't do that, why couldn't you have taken the initiative and at like 7 or 8 pm and been like, "Are we still hanging out tomorrow?" Bringing it up is a better option than waiting around not knowing. You have to take things into your own hands sometimes.

 

Or if someone doesn't confirm plans when they say they will, you can just assume the plans are no longer on and make other plans for yourself. You cannot let someone else dictate how your day goes. It's only up to you.

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