Friends think I'm ugly?!

[confuzed25]

So I wouldn't be considered beautiful but I would say I am definitely not ugly. I've dated some good looking men, I have a handsome husband and attractive friends. I've been called "hot" a few times in my younger years. I don't get a lot of compliments anymore. I am 30 years old and I have a group of 3 other friends that are all close. We comment on each other's Facebook posts and call each other beautiful and pretty, etc. I arranged for the 4 of us to go out last night and as we were talking after dinner my one friend said to my other friend that she was gorgeous and looked like a princess. Somehow the attention got turned to me and my friend said "you look like...." and another friend made a comment that I was like this ugly character in a movie. I laughed and we all laughed but the other girl who hadn't said anything yet said "that's mean." That's when it really got real for me that maybe they weren't joking and they think I'm ugly. It really hurt my feelings and I got really embarrassed and just wanted to leave. I never thought my friends considered me to be unattractive...like I said they have commented on pictures I post on Facebook and say things like "hot" and "beautiful" and "pretty" but I guess they could just be saying that because they're my friends. Am I overreacting? As I've gotten older I've learned to care less about what people think of me but assuming that my friends think I am unattractive makes me not want to hang out with them anymore.

[Bejangled]

Hi confuzed25

 

I'm sorry that happened to you I'm sure your friends weren't being intentionally mean. You obviously have a good sense of humour that's probably why they felt they could tease and say something silly to you...and I doubt they would have said it if they knew how it would make you feel.

 

About the issue of ugliness. I think you know you're not ugly. Really...you do know it. I don't know what you look like, but you managed to get a good looking husband, stay friends with other pretty girls.....and the most telling thing is...if you really were a little on the ugly side, you wouldn't have been so shocked by what your pals said. Right?

 

I think the comment was made at a weird emotional moment - you know those moments, where someone stares a little too long, without passing a compliment, at your new shoes and you vow never to wear them again!

 

Don't shut yourself away from your friends - please - don't do it! They made a little mistake, so be a good friend back to them and tell them exactly what you're saying here. Tell them you felt a little weird after the comment. Then give them the chance to understand and hopefully reassure you that they were only teasing.

 

I wonder if this is all that's going on here though? Why? Because it does seem like a strong reaction to something said in a silly way. Your instinct was to feel like you don't want to hang out with them anymore...that's quite extreme. Is there something else? Stress? Pressure? Do you actually feel like you are not pretty? Or have you depended excessively on your looks throughout your 20s?

 

Also take into consideration that turning 30 is very often very weird for women. More-so than 40 or 50. Many women report feeling panicked that they're moving away from their youth. They suddenly feel like they're aging for the first time in their lives. This freaks many women out. But be assured, this too is normal. It passes, then you start enjoying your super sexy 30s. They're really great years. You get super confident and start seeing your sexiness in a totally new and earthy way. Often, when this confidence comes, you brush off stuff like this

 

I hope that helps

[d0nnivain]

You are not over reacting. What they said was hurtful.

 

 

When you calm down, privately reach out to this "friend" and get her to clarify. Ask her what she thinks you can do to change your look. If she suggests something legitimate -- new hairstyle, hiding the grey hair (My friends bust me about my grey roots all the time), more flattering clothes -- consider her suggestions. If she has nothing concrete or starts talking about surgery, write her off.

[confuzed25]

The reason I said it makes me not want to hang out with them anymore is because I don't want anymore awkward situations like that to happen and also because I feel like they are fake friends if they say one think but are actually thinking something else. I don't want to be around people who I feel are silently judging me. I used to have a self esteem issue back in my late teens early 20's where I just wanted to be as attractive as some other girls and felt Like Life would be so much easier if I was more attractive. I haven't felt that way in 8+ years but last night kind of brought it all back.

[d0nnivain]

Then cut them out of your life. If you think they are fake friends, good riddance. You certainly have no obligation to keep negative hurtful people around.

[Bejangled]

I used to have a self esteem issue back in my late teens early 20's where I just wanted to be as attractive as some other girls and felt Like Life would be so much easier if I was more attractive. I haven't felt that way in 8+ years but last night kind of brought it all back.

 

Hi confuzed25

 

Well, you're perfectly entitled to dump your friends....but just ask yourself one thing before you do....are you punishing them for the pain of your past?

 

If no? Then move on without looking back.

 

If yes? Then congratulations, you've identified something real and significant that's holding you back. Perhaps it's time to put that old demon to rest and finally stop being affected by those old teen insecurities. Letting go of old hang-ups are better than letting go of friends who accidentally touch a sore spot.

 

I wish you luck!

[confuzed25]

I'm not going to cut them off...I think the hurt is just really fresh right now. I will get over it, it was just such a shock to me. Especially coming from the person who said it because she has self esteem issues especially with her weight that she has expressed to me before. They are good friends and genuinely nice girls so I know they didn't mean to hurt me.

[Bejangled]

They are good friends and genuinely nice girls so I know they didn't mean to hurt me.

 

Hi confuzed25

 

Now this comment has given me a lot of hope

 

Remember, friendship is a 2 way street. As a good friend, you need to be open and tell them exactly how and why you felt hurt. You need to be fair to them and give them the opportunity to apologise.

 

After all of this, they may be the exact people that you need to help you work out those old insecurities. Friends have such an important role in our lives, sometimes one of those roles is to pinch our sore points....which they did. This is actually right now a perfect opportunity to be straight up with them and ask for their advice/help/support while facing your past demons.

 

Good luck!

[preraph]

Well, maybe you need an objective look at that photo they were commenting about. Maybe they just meant the photo was you trying to look some way that was extreme or made you look unattractive. I mean, I am definitely ugly in some of my photos and you know how brutal old friends can be. I wouldn't throw them away quite yet -- unless this is just one more insult in a long line of insults. They may have meant that photo didn't do you justice. I have a hard time imagining them being friends with you if they look down on you or whatever. Usually women like that are too snobby to give you their time.

 

Why not post something on your own photo commenting that (Girls name) told you that you look ugly like whatever character it was. See what feedback you get. Maybe some will come to your defense or say that wasn't what they meant.

[whichwayisup]

You thought it was fun and in jest before this:

We comment on each other's Facebook posts and call each other beautiful and pretty, etc. I arranged for the 4 of us to go out last night and as we were talking after dinner my one friend said to my other friend that she was gorgeous and looked like a princess. Somehow the attention got turned to me and my friend said "you look like...." and another friend made a comment that I was like this ugly character in a movie. I laughed and we all laughed but the other girl who hadn't said anything yet said "that's mean." That's when it really got real for me that maybe they weren't joking and they think I'm ugly.

You took it as a joke and you all were laughing until one person said "that's mean." then you got insecure and felt hurt. YOU know you're beautiful, your husband thinks you're hot and letting one person make you doubt your own beauty and make you wonder about the rest of your friends.

 

Tell them not to joke about that again since it hurt your feelings. Let them know the joke isn't a joke anymore and not to do it again. Be honest about it instead of thinking their all fake or not true friends.

[GunslingerRoland]

They didn't say you were ugly. I'm not sure who the character they compared you too is, but even if it is an ugly character, you can have some traits in common with an ugly character, but still be beautiful yourself... I think you are reading too much into it.

[Ronni_W]

...the person who said it <snip> has self esteem issues especially with her weight that she has expressed to me before.

Ask her directly if she was looking to build-up herself by tearing you down. Her envy/jealousy of you could extend into the good-looking couple that you and your husband make and/or other positive aspects of your life. It could be mostly subconscious for her at this point, but having the courage and willingness to help her expose this ugly part of herself and bring it out into the light will be a blessing in disguise for her.

They are good friends and genuinely nice girls so I know they didn't mean to hurt me.

Only the one who stood up for you and had the courage and was willing to put herself out there and expose the meanness of the comment is a genuinely good friend

and nice person.

[BettyDraper]

I'm not going to cut them off...I think the hurt is just really fresh right now. I will get over it, it was just such a shock to me. Especially coming from the person who said it because she has self esteem issues especially with her weight that she has expressed to me before. They are good friends and genuinely nice girls so I know they didn't mean to hurt me.

 

She was putting you down to make herself feel better.

You'd be surprised how many people insult others when they feel inadequate.

I've experienced that from former friends who were envious about many aspects of my life.

 

To be honest, good friends would have enough tact to keep their negative opinions about your looks to themselves. I have friends who are obese. I would NEVER comment on their weight. Your friends don't seem like nice girls at all.

[todreaminblue]

i have always been a bit of a joker in my circle of friends and family and someone they believe can handle anything.....and sometimes unfunny jokes and hurtful comments are those anythings....and i can hide my hurt pretty well.....but what i have learned over the years is to tell people when they hurt me....sometimes i dont do it straight away but take time to reflect on why the anything might have been said.....and ill tell them later......hey you know you got me good the other day, it hurt the other day when you said this ...it made me feel unsure and questioning why you said it....i didnt understand why ......and then ill tell them dont worry ...im ok now but i just wanted you to know it hurt.....with some people who hurt me i rip the band aid off fast and just tell them ...i pull them up on the spot..........depending on their personality...if they are brash...i do it straight away....

 

.....being a joker i feel people think you have tougher skin or less feelings that criticism will just roll off your back or unfunny jokes......i happen to know most clowns....are sad......with fragile feelings more so than less feelings....hence the mask.....of clownishness.....

 

i dont know if you are the clown of your group the one who seems always cheery and easy going makes people laugh often....silly at times ....if you are ......educate them on what you are really like...if they hurt you let them know or they will continue to think you can take it when really ...it hits you like a sledgehammer...drop the smile...be honest......my family and closest friends know me....and even though i am the clown they know my heart is actually fragile....they would never in a million years call me ugly...because ridicule or that particular thing has been said in a public way with me...surrounded mocked and ridiculed.....not just once either....

 

even if you arent the clown be truthful with your friends......they deserve your honesty and you are important to them ...i feel you know this already...be truthful and maybe next time they might be a little more careful with your heart....i wish you well beautiful girl........deb

Edited April 17, 2017 by todreaminblue

[BettyDraper]

i have always been a bit of a joker in my circle of friends and family and someone they believe can handle anything.....and sometimes unfunny jokes and hurtful comments are those anythings....and i can hide my hurt pretty well.....but what i have learned over the years is to tell people when they hurt me....sometimes i dont do it straight away but take time to reflect on why the anything might have been said.....and ill tell them later......hey you know you got me good the other day, it hurt the other day when you said this ...it made me feel unsure and questioning why you said it....i didnt understand why ......and then ill tell them dont worry ...im ok now but i just wanted you to know it hurt.....with some people who hurt me i rip the band aid off fast and just tell them ...i pull them up on the spot..........depending on their personality...if they are brash...i do it straight away....

 

.....being a joker i feel people think you have tougher skin or less feelings that criticism will just roll off your back or unfunny jokes......i happen to know most clowns....are sad......with fragile feelings more so than less feelings....hence the mask.....of clownishness.....

 

i dont know if you are the clown of your group the one who seems always cheery and easy going makes people laugh often....silly at times ....if you are ......educate them on what you are really like...if they hurt you let them know or they will continue to think you can take it when really ...it hits you like a sledgehammer...drop the smile...be honest......my family and closest friends know me....and even though i am the clown they know my heart is actually fragile....they would never in a million years call me ugly...because ridicule or that particular thing has been said in a public way with me...surrounded mocked and ridiculed.....not just once either....

 

even if you arent the clown be truthful with your friends......they deserve your honesty and you are important to them ...i feel you know this already...be truthful and maybe next time they might be a little more careful with your heart....i wish you well beautiful girl........deb

 

I'm not trying to rude when I say this.

I always find your posts a bit hard to read with all the ellipses.

[todreaminblue]

I'm not trying to rude when I say this.

I always find your posts a bit hard to read with all the ellipses.

 

 

you aren't the first......and its how i write....i have tried to change post like a normal person....takes me forever and is actually quite uncomfortable and slow...the ellipses are natural they occur they are there......ill often edit my posts .....because i also type dyslexically...the elliipses break up my posts......allow me to see dyslexic words....

 

you are just being honest.....not rude...as am i just being honest......

 

the main thing i try to concentrate on is providing comfort or solid advice through experiences.....for the op...i dont write my posts to be liked by others...and my posts are awlasy honest...oftne quite long......(the word often i will leave in to show that is what i have to edit out..also always written awlasy.dyslexic words) th ellipses help.....and i guess i hav eas much write to post as anyone else...even though i post differently....whther people read what i write or dont...and thankyou for being honest......deb

[BettyDraper]

you aren't the first......and its how i write....i have tried to change post like a normal person....takes me forever and is actually quite uncomfortable and slow...the ellipses are natural they occur they are there......ill often edit my posts .....because i also type dyslexically...the elliipses break up my posts......allow me to see dyslexic words....

 

you are just being honest.....not rude...as am i just being honest......

 

the main thing i try to concentrate on is providing comfort or solid advice through experiences.....for the op...i dont write my posts to be liked by others...and my posts are awlasy honest...oftne quite long......(the word often i will leave in to show that is what i have to edit out..also always written awlasy.dyslexic words) th ellipses help.....and i guess i hav eas much write to post as anyone else...even though i post differently....whther people read what i write or dont...and thankyou for being honest......deb

 

I'm not sure why you feel that I was trying to take away your rights to post or suggesting that you should post to please others.

[Tulipwood]

Deb I'm really glad you explained your writing styles. I know you have a lot of good posts, the periods are hard on reading comprehension though but now I'm going to break up my reading skills so I don't miss your good points!

[basil67]

Who is the "ugly" character you're referring to? I just did a Google search of ugly female TV characters and the result was mostly quite normal looking women.

 

Could it be that the women you're being compared to is not actually ugly?

[todreaminblue]

I'm not sure why you feel that I was trying to take away your rights to post or suggesting that you should post to please others.

 

sorry to confuse you..i didnt say you were trying to ....but people have made jokes about my posts and i guess what the opening post is about ...hurt my feelings.....made me feel inferior intellectually questioned what i have done in my life...my experiences haven't had an easy time on love shack and its normally newbies who will take the piss as we call it in oz....

 

.......i have however met wonderfully honest and compassionate people...i thanked you for your honesty and was respectful to you im sorry i confused you.....but i wasnt speaking of you in my post with the two points you bought up...i also respect for some my posts are hard to read....like yourself...and i understand if you prefer nto to read them...in particular i think th emost hurtful comment i hav ereceived is when a poster pointed out my post in its entirety quoted it.....and said to the other posters

this poster shows why you shouldnt drink and post

...i dont drink at all or take drugs and would i ever if i did drink ...offer advice.....on here............deb Edited April 18, 2017 by todreaminblue

[BettyDraper]

Deb I'm really glad you explained your writing styles. I know you have a lot of good posts, the periods are hard on reading comprehension though but now I'm going to break up my reading skills so I don't miss your good points!

 

I'm happy she explained herself too. She's clearly a capable adult who can express herself despite her dyslexia.

It's admirable that she is working with her learning challenges rather than allowing them to keep her from participating in discussions.

[confuzed25]

Thank you for all the responses...I just now read most of them as I decided to stay off of here and reflect on the situation myself. Before I even read these responses I had already come to the conclusion that the one who said it said it out of jealousy. She has expressed to me that she is self conscious about her weight and wishes she could be my size. She has also told me that she is a jealous person when it comes to her friends. The girl who stood up for me is the same girl that my other friend complimented about being gorgeous. Her and I are the closest of the 4 of us and we go out sometimes just her and I and we talk more than the other 2 girls. I think that causes some jealousy for the other girls and when my friend saw an opportunity to make me look bad in front of the other girl she took it. Maybe to make herself feel better about herself. She has been weird with me ever since...like being super nice and keeps asking me how I'm doing and saying she's very intuitive and can tell something is wrong. I haven't acted any differently towards her so I think she feels bad for what she said and it's her conscience getting to her. I am okay now and feel better about the situation. If anything like that happens again I will need to let them know it's not okay.

[maxi105]

you have a husband, you have dated handsome guys and you have friends so you are perhaps not in the bad place you imagined you were for a short time.

 

what you might try to cut back on are facebook games where you and your friends seem caught up in constantly rating each other as beautiful and pretty etc, its sounds as though its got into a bit of a meaningless habit and was possibly getting a bit addictive for you? harmless though it is; (I'm sure there are times when it actually must come across to each of you as quite a shallow thing if said or read by the other endlessly)....

 

so many things make people attractive and a beautiful or unattractive. it sounds like you lost perspective in the labelling and were questioning the things said because you were possibly looking for the perfect score again maybe and didn't get the comments you hoped for? who knows.

 

but you've proved, even amongst good friends: labels can affect you and come across as insensitive sometimes.

 

just be careful in future then perhaps not to let this type of quick judgement start to become the norm in your off line world too - because you may start labelling others endlessly (strangers) without even being aware or knowing or questioning what they may be going through/have gone through before they got labelled in a jokey or defensive way.

 

it sounds like the label may have been said just a quick response to say something at the time. but you were lucky, a stranger or another less close friend might not have got the benefit to put right or redress what was wrong in person or via text whatever with you and it might have hurt them just as it bothered you for a short time etc;

 

take care with needing to feel fulfilment so often in this kind of way (game or not). technology can get into peoples heads even if you cant see them at the time.

 

everyone likes the positives of this type of thing of course, but if you are commenting on peoples every action and appearance then surely at some point where personal traits are concerned someone is going to feel a bit squashed by what was said, meant in a bad way or not if its not clarified a.s.a.p, so be careful what you are looking for or take part in online! facebook and that kind of thing isn't all roses and friendship, you only have to see the papers every now and then to see what damage and harm repeated comments can have on peoples lives.

 

nobody knows for sure how people will take things that are said to them. but you were lucky in that you know these people, however - even you cited that you thought another friend was jealous! so again you have been affected by this and have questioned another persons motives via your own set of knocked back reasons.(maybe if the person is part of your friend group, maybe offer them a bit of advice to help them getting back into shape so they can feel good about themselves again).

 

personally speaking: given the choice, id rather hang out with an ugly person who was kind and genuine (any day) than hang around or waste my time with superficial people who turn out to be mean spirited, manipulative or self centred.

 

I'm sure if you were all younger I might not be saying the same things I am here, but in your 30's or there abouts and telling each other how beautiful/pretty or hot you are on aregular basis (as a joke or not) seems a little bit silly really! but I guess if that's what you find fun, then you find it fun.

 

"anyway: I'm glad its all worked out for you in the end".

[bluefeather]

Especially coming from the person who said it because she has self esteem issues especially with her weight that she has expressed to me before.

 

Bam, there's your answer. Someone with self-esteem issues will sometimes attack others only to hide their own issues. But I already read that you came to that conclusion on your own, so cool.

 

BettyDraper, I know that was a big derail, but thanks for bringing it up so todreaminblue could point it out for others to understand. There was a time when I would skip your posts, Deb, because it would be difficult to read and I didn't understand what the deal was, but I eventually caught on and can see insight that you offer.