Should I Be Suspicious?

[JustaGuy44]

I have a female friend who calls me her best friend and her rock. We've known each other for 20+ years and our friendship has been an emotional roller coaster ride most of the time. We rekindled our friendship 3.5 years ago and all has been fine.

 

Anyway, we are just friends, I'm not even physically attracted to her anymore but due to our past I won't to allow myself to be used or disrespected this time around.

 

I called her earlier in the week and asked her if she wanted to get together this Saturday. I would buy some steaks and we'd have dinner and watch a movie and perhaps drinks afterward.

 

She called me at 11:30 am today from work and told me she was getting off at 1pm today and asked if I wanted to change our plans to today instead of tomorrow. I said I had some plans today.

 

I guess my gut was telling me something was up for her to suddenly want to change our plans so I called her back and said if she had other plans for Saturday we could just cancel, she just said "no".

 

Now negative things from the past are creeping into my head. I envision going out there for dinner and then being quickly shuffled out the door so she can proceed with some other plan with somebody else.

 

I know as a friend I shouldn't care if she is possibly seeing someone, I do just want her to be happy but I don't really want to become a stooge to her, wining and dining her while she is romantically involved with someone else. I'd rather just back off if that were the case and limit contact with her as she pursues a relationship with some other guy.

 

Should I just cancel the date and move on or just proceed with the plans and hope we have a pleasant time with my friend??? Feeling like a big dummy.

[d0nnivain]

Maybe she just wanted to see you sooner rather than later.

[preraph]

She may have had a day preference because of her normal everyday schedule, you know, shopping for groceries, all that.

 

Don't jump to conclusions, BUT if she does cut it short or not show up or whatever, that is when to confront her about it.

[CC12]

wining and dining her while she is romantically involved with someone else. I'd rather just back off if that were the case and limit contact with her as she pursues a relationship with some other guy.

 

This makes it seem like you do have some romantic feelings for her. If you honestly do just want to be friends with her, I think you're going to have to adjust your expectations and boundaries. You're a little possessive of her. Pretend she's just another guy friend you hang out with. Why would you care if he were to date someone? Why would you "wine and dine" him?

 

You also seem a little bit distrustful of her. You asked her if she had other plans. She said no. I gather that she's probably been flaky or has done some ****ty things in the past, but you say everything has been fine for 3.5 years so at what point are you going to let that go?

 

There just seems to be a lot of baggage that you're bringing to this friendship. If you want to be friends with her, be a GOOD friend. Right now, you're basically saying, "If she is pursuing a relationship with a guy, she will not have my friendship." And that's not really fair.

[JustaGuy44]

You are right, I should just be a friend regardless of her situation. I have been overthinking things way to much and need to just go with the flow and enjoy our friendship while I can because there is more to the story.

 

She was diagnosed with stage 3 to borderline 4 liver disease two months ago. I believe this is when my feelings/caring/worrying about her changed. Sadly she hasn't been able to quit drinking. She says she has cut down but she still drinks most days.

 

We actually had a nice time together yesterday but she was drinking Bacardi/coke while I was drinking diet pop. After dinner she said she wanted to go to the bar and said she buy me a couple rounds and we were going to play a few games of darts. I went and had one drink...in my mind I feel guilty because I'm enabling her and it is tearing me a part inside because she's quick to say "don't judge me" when I voice my concerns to her, as a friend.

 

So anyway, it might be done with now anyway. She called me this morning and we were having a nice talk and then she brought up how she is struggling with everything (drinking and the no carb diet her doctor put her on) I keyed on the drinking and asked her if she ever considered treatment and she got mad and let me go.

 

I want to be there for her as a friend but she confuses concern for judging, I guess that's the defense mechanism of an alcoholic? I want to be there for her as a friend but if she's basically giving up, what do I do? Hang around and watch her die? This is so hard because I don't want her to die.

[CC12]

How are things now, OP? Have you spoken to your friend at all?

 

I want to be there for her as a friend but she confuses concern for judging, I guess that's the defense mechanism of an alcoholic? I want to be there for her as a friend but if she's basically giving up, what do I do? Hang around and watch her die? This is so hard because I don't want her to die.

 

You might want to look into something called Al-Anon. It is not Alcoholics Anonymous, but it's related. Al-Anon is a group for friends and loved ones of alcoholics, and they help you learn how to cope with their addiction. Maybe you can try to attend a meeting or two.