lookingforanswer Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 (edited) My friend came to me looking for answers, didnt know what to tell him. He has been living with this woman and her 2 children for 8 years. The relationship was up and down. He kicked her out several times, but only lasted a few days. They had some big fights. He just married her March 2016. Her children are grown now, one is left that is a senior in high school. He finds out that she had been having an affair for the past 3 years. He found out when he accidentally looked at her phone and saw text messages from a guy. For 4 months, she convinced him it was just a flirtation and nothing happened, just made her feel pretty. later in July, the other guy sent an text and the husband saw it. He found out that the other guy had no idea she was married or even seeing anyone that past 3 years. The other guy thought she lived a distance away and she always went to his house. When he found out about the affair, he said he was going to divorce her. 2 months later, he says he wants to go to counseling and save the marriage. He knows that she was having sex with the other guy a few weeks after they got married and before they got married. She says he was just trying to get back at him, but truly loves him and wants to work on the marriage. Can a marriage survive a 3 year affair? The relationship wasn't great to start out with. He says he just wants to be positive and believes they have something special. What do you all think? Edited April 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator OP request ~T Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforanswer Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 (edited) For some clarity, the wife and other guy had been sleeping together for 3 years. Edited April 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 He's probably codependent and she's there for the checkbook. There isn't a marriage and IMO nothing to save. Maybe when he gets tired of being sick and tired he'll do something but I wouldn't count on it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 When she finds a better deal she'll dump him. He's probably doing the "pick me dance" maybe crying, begging and pleading which will just make him look inferior. Or try and nice her back but it won't avail him much. If the other man is smart he'll run but if he doesn't she may leave anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforanswer Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 It seems like he is out of the picture at this point. I'm guessing that's why she is staying in the marriage. She has no other option. I think she's telling him everything he needs to hear. They are going to therapy. Will that take care of his codependency? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Meh, she's not married for the right reasons. This will more than likely happen again, with another guy. He should go to therapy, without her...because he should move on, without her. Fixing his tendency towards codependency would be great, but it won't solve the bigger problems in this marriage. If he's smart, he'll get out. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Divorce her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 It seems like he is out of the picture at this point. I'm guessing that's why she is staying in the marriage. She has no other option. I think she's telling him everything he needs to hear. They are going to therapy. Will that take care of his codependency? He needs IC for that. MC's if they get a bad one will rug sweep this maybe they'll luck out and get a good one but... Doormattish behavior is hard for some to overcome. He'd accepted he's plan B probably and will hang on until he's dumped. At this point he's a bigger problem to himself than his wayward wife is but it's his life to waste. No one can fix this for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Hi Looking, are you firing the gun from some one else's shoulders and the guy in question is really you? Fact is, as an observer I am sure you can see what is wrong here. Your friend has to have his head stuck in the sand not to be able to see that his so called wife is non marriage material and that he should dump her before she drags him into the quicksand of her artful deception. She was sleeping with the other guy before and after her marriage to your friend which just shows how much respect she has for him. As BryanP is won't to say ' If he won't respect himself who else will'. Just tell your friend to get the hell out of this sham marriage and find himself a decent woman with no baggage which he has to be lifting. Warm wishes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Aside from that fact, can a marriage survive a 4 year affair? The relationship wasn't great to start out with. This is an understatement... The whole relationship sounds very unhealthy. Not sure why anyone would want to stay in such an unhealthy, unhappy relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 She wanted to get back at him? For what? Infidelity? Maybe they're both fine enough seeing other people while married, who knows. Anyway, counseling can't hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 four years! So when did she have her last contact with the OM? Tell your friend to avoid more pain when he finds out about her other affairs. He needs to get a fast Divorce. Hope you help him to get away from her. Has she been tested for stds? Tell your friend to get some respect for himself. She is still lying to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforanswer Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 (edited) I dont what she was getting back at him for, he was just crying so much, I didnt know what to do. I told him he should leave her and not worth the energy or time. If the affair was for a few months, I guess I could understand, but 3 years is ridiculous! I told him he should treat himself better. I dont think he has told his family members about it. Would that be too humiliating if i told them? So he could hear everyone else say he should get a divorce? I looked up codependency, sounds like him. Edited April 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforanswer Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 Last contact with OM, as far as he knows was 3 weeks ago. Dont know about the STDs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 (edited) yes, expose the three year affair. three years is not a mistake. Edited April 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforanswer Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 Anything specific I could say? Seems like he is just too blinded by emotion at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 (edited) lookingforananswer, Q Can [my friend's] marriage survive 3 year affair?A. How long is a piece of string? It depends on the parties involved and how they want to deal with it. Four years is a long time and it's not a mistake, so my gut feeling would be "no". Edited April 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 I dont what she was getting back at him for, he was just crying so much, I didnt know what to do. I told him he should leave her and not worth the energy or time. If the affair was for a few months, I guess I could understand, but 4 years is ridiculous! I told him he should treat himself better. I dont think he has told his family members about it. Would that be too humiliating if i told them? So he could hear everyone else say he should get a divorce? I looked up codependency, sounds like him. you can't fix him. He has to. Stay out of it. If you expose they'll both unite and turn on you. He's helping hide their affair. Which will probably enable it further. If he can't respect himself there's nothing you or anyone else can do. He needs to read this short article "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Anything specific I could say? Seems like he is just too blinded by emotion at this time. There are a lot of articles here but the main theme is an affair in not a mistake. It was a conscious decision on her part. He didn't cause this. Typical cheater script she'll probably blame him. Bad husband, bad father. He'd better wake up or he'll be getting more I suspect. Affairs are addictive and just because he found out doesn't mean it ends. Especially with no exposure at least to her other mans wife. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 In short , Not your place to expose or do anything about it. Stay out of it. Lend him an ear but that's it. 4 years is a conscious choice. Just like he is now choosing to let things be kinda the way they are and hoping they will go sort out on its own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforanswer Posted April 4, 2017 Author Share Posted April 4, 2017 How about I direct him to this site? Are most people in affairs and bad relationships ready to read these postings this early into things? Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 From what you said about OM (which I doubt) the other man realized damage goods here and walked. Your friend should do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
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