How to deal with a grieving friend whose getting difficult?

[Aedra]

I have a friend with a sibling that recently past away. Naturally, this has been a very difficult time for her, everybody deals with grief differently too and I've been as supportive as I can. However, she's tending to get more passive aggressive towards me this past month and is now more avoidant of being around me alone then our other friends.

 

We do play alot of video games together and finding that's when it comes out worse. Getting antsy and blaming me unfairly for things going wrong in a game. She only seems to notice when I do bad now. Meanwhile she will often ignore anything she does wrong and blame it on something else. Yes, its just a video game but it definitely sucks the fun out of being around her since its our main activity together. On top of this, whenever me and her boyfriend (who is strictly just a friend and has been for years and she knows this) hang out and do something without her past couple of days she'll get annoyed in her subtle way and find an excuse to leave, making the situation awkward. We've ever hung out, not in ages. I know she needs alot of support in this time and her boyfriend has been feeling the pressure too, but I feel tense for even hanging out with him without her.

 

It's just getting really tiresome to deal with and makes me want to entirely avoid her. Am I a bad friend for getting irked by it all? I fear being more forward towards her because of course I feel really bad about what she's going through. I don't know how to deal with it all.

Edited March 30, 2017 by Aedra

[anika99]

How long ago did her sibling pass away?

 

In your first sentence you seem to say that she is avoiding spending time alone with you so there's your answer. If you feel she is being too difficult for you to handle then just let her avoid you.

[preraph]

She may be depressed and angry. I wouldn't abandon her, but I would definitely give her a little more space. If she's avoiding you, let her at least half the time.

 

And it should go without saying that if she is annoyed with you hanging out with her boyfriend, then you shouldn't do it.

[Aedra]

How long ago did her sibling pass away?

 

In your first sentence you seem to say that she is avoiding spending time alone with you so there's your answer. If you feel she is being too difficult for you to handle then just let her avoid you.

 

It's been two months, so not long. She is more then happy to hang out with two of my other friends over me and she's very lively around them, so its making me feel a bit weird if I am to be honest.

 

I've been reflecting on it past few days. I think we are very similar in the way we deal with anger and maybe she doesn't want to be reminded of that. It's just when I do try to comfort her, she gets passive aggressive and I don't notice that behavior with my other friends.

Am I reading too much into it?

 

She may be depressed and angry. I wouldn't abandon her, but I would definitely give her a little more space. If she's avoiding you, let her at least half the time.

 

And it should go without saying that if she is annoyed with you hanging out with her boyfriend, then you shouldn't do it.

 

Yeah you're likely right. It's a sensitive time and I shouldn't make her feel worse.

Edited March 30, 2017 by Aedra

[GemmaUK]

Why on earth do you hang out alone with her boyfriend?

 

If this was going on also prior to her sibling's death then this has been building up a while.

 

Your behaviour sounds completely disrespectful to me.

She just lost a sibling and to her this will feel like she is also losing a boyfriend to someone she thought was a friend.

All those closest to her she is losing - and fast in her mind.

 

I think you need to get your priorities straight.

[SpiralOut]

Are you a male or female? Were you friends with the boyfriend before she started dating him?

 

I see nothing wrong with having opposite-sex friends (if that's the case), but you should stop hanging out with her boyfriend alone for now.

[Aedra]

Why on earth do you hang out alone with her boyfriend?

 

If this was going on also prior to her sibling's death then this has been building up a while.

 

Your behaviour sounds completely disrespectful to me.

She just lost a sibling and to her this will feel like she is also losing a boyfriend to someone she thought was a friend.

All those closest to her she is losing - and fast in her mind.

 

I think you need to get your priorities straight.

 

 

Thanks for your perspective... it makes sense, but since I've known her for nearly a decade and she knows we're like bro and sister I didn't think it would be insensitive and were giving each other space they needed when they weren't together.

To add a bit more detail: I've been friends with this guy for 8 years, we three hang out with each other alot online and they were dating long before we met. We rarely hang out alone though, the times we do I make sure I invite her in case she feels left out. She was accepting of our friendship, so I didn't think hanging out alone was even an issue until she started acting differently. Also not remotely interested in him in a romantic way.

 

Either way I'm gonna back off for a while.

Edited April 2, 2017 by Aedra

[GemmaUK]

Thanks for your perspective... it makes sense, but since I've known her for nearly a decade and she knows we're like bro and sister I didn't think it would be insensitive and were giving each other space they needed when they weren't together.

To add a bit more detail: I've been friends with this guy for 8 years, we three hang out with each other alot online and they were dating long before we met. We rarely hang out alone though, the times we do I make sure I invite her in case she feels left out. She was accepting of our friendship, so I didn't think hanging out alone was even an issue until she started acting differently. Also not remotely interested in him in a romantic way.

 

Either way I'm gonna back off for a while.

 

I would back off for good with the boyfriend if I were you and just see how it plays out with your friend. An apology to her would be a good place to start.

Recognising, acknowledging and apologising is the only way she will see you are sincere - if you are. Take responsibility for the lack of respect you have displayed towards her.

 

Honestly, the bold part looks as though you and the boyfriend arrange things and she is the added extra/afterthought. If anything it should be those two arranging things and you being the added extra/afterthought.

She was accepting of your friendship I believe because she didn't have much choice not to be unless she ditches you both.

She may well be starting to ditch you at this point though so be warned that this may not be salvageable.

 

Sometimes in life we realise there are certain friends we no longer need or want in our lives. A big thing like a death can for sure make a person realise who their real friends are.

[Aedra]

Hrmm, I am finding your last post pretty antagonising. I don't believe I need to apologise for whether her boyfriend is prioritising time with her? Like I mentioned I rarely hang out with him alone. I do respect their space and most of the time I try to only hang around them together. She's a core member of our group. I'd of thought being a disrespectful person would be to not even bother to invite somebody at all nor consider how they are feeling. I care about her wellbeing.

 

Last part is true though, regardless. Thank you for your time.

Edited April 2, 2017 by Aedra

[GemmaUK]

Hrmm, I am finding your last post pretty antagonising. I don't believe I need to apologise for whether her boyfriend is prioritising time with her?

 

My post wasn't intended to be antagonising, sorry if it made you feel that way.

The apology part - I meant to be from yourself from not stepping back from her boyfriend and having consideration for her over that.

 

Good luck OP.

[anika99]

What I find more troublesome is that her sibling died just two months ago and yet you and her boyfriend seem to think she should be over it already. Grief takes a long time, has different phases and can have many setbacks. It also has a way of making people think about their own lives and take stock of things they may be unhappy about and to think about making changes.